I live to be loved...
So maybe that's why I want to die.

I now know why they call it heartbreak.
Not because your heart literally breaks but because your chest becomes so heavy you feel as if your heart has sank into oblivion and shattered.
Every moment from now on when you feel love you'll be so uneasy and your heart will be so hollow you can't feel anything for anyone.
The thought of being hurt again will rise as will your barrier blocking everyone out.
I now- I now know why they say that you need time.
I now know why most people aren't in contact with their ex's.
I now know why people jump off of buildings and invade their blood stream with poison of all kind.
I now know why people throw the word love around, or why they don't say it at all.
I now know that no matter how many "I'm sorry"'s there are they fix nothing.
I now know that this is not a phase.
I now know that my heart is too big for my sleeve and I'm filing an eviction notice.
I know now what I did not know before.. and boy were they right when they said curiosity killed the cat.

The way it looks at him makes me uneasy.
Knowing that all I've ever wanted was to make him feel that way... with that look.
I can't give him what it gives him, the beauty, the perfection. I'm not enough.
I'm said to be a big part of his life and yet I feel so pushed to the background.
Lost in oblivion.. of regret and sadness.. memories on repeat. And so many emotions. Of love, of loss, of no touch.
*Of no him.

I can't promise you much, but my love, and that doesn't even keep me afloat,
and i'd never let you drown.
I'll never let someone push you down.
I'll always stand at my 5'10 and carry you on my sore shoulders and hurt my back to bend.
I will always look you in the eye and allow you to cry..
if you ever need a light i will guide you through the darkness.
I'll rub little circles on your back and lie and tell you it's going to be okay.
I will never push you away but I won't be surprised if you don't stay.
I never want to hold you back.
But if my nurturing being torn away makes you gray.
I'll stay and be one of your sun rays.
I will love you unconditionally.
With all that I have.
All that I am.
All I ever will be.
Which isn't much.
But it's the person you seem to cherish and mumble off your lips...
*''*****''

everyone is dead when i'm alive..
and alive when i'm dead.

the rain drops still dripping from the early morning rain
the air conditioner right next my head that lies upon a pillow
the sound of the t.v drowned out but you can still dimly hear the voices cackling and cheering for the late nite t.v show host
and there lies my body in between all of this as i try to sleep
as my mind runs through so many things
thinking about everything, the past, the future, the present.
all of the noises come back as i just try to rest but i cant
life has got me by the claws and wont let go
but that's okay
at least something hasn't let go of me yet