i questioned myself and then went back to sleep,


the cycle repeated for months, i knew answers weren't going to show up magically,

i knew i was going back to sleep in the lowest of feelings

emotions splattered on my pillow; tears

i knew to never know what i wanted to know about,
the secrets to a bitter reality that i didnt know the answers to

i learned i had just to make peace with myself and my decisions

i learned to be patient with my nightmares,

even if they consisted the end of the world,
i made peace with the lava chasing me down while i was running down the mountain,

i learned how to accept reality by just accepting mysely

so i gave myself a chance,

to live, again, again, and again
when the world decided to bring me to my knees

Boy: "Dad i think I'd rather take the bus today, I don't feel like walking, can you pack my lunch right now as I get ready?"
     (Boy goes into room in a stomping movement)
     (Dad starts preparing lunch)
Dad: "Are you staying for tutorials today? Your grades dont look so good, and it's starting to reflect how you're acting at home.
You're always so lazy now."
Boy: "I'm not sure if I want to stay for tutorials, I'd rather go to sleep afterschool.
School is tiring.
I'll be home later than usual though."
     (Boy starts walking towards the door and checks his pockets for money)
Dad: "Okay, well be safe, where are you going afterschool?"
     (Boy turns around)
Boy: "I was about to tell you, I need 40$ for a fieldtrip today, sorry for the late reminder."
Dad" You should've told me earlier, I'll go upstairs and see what I have in my wallet."
     (Dad goes up the stairs rapidly)


There's times where lying creates curiosity in a mans heart, and wonder if the liar is really telling the truth.
Although they know, they dont want to say anything, they'd rather trust.
Sometimes I lie, sometimes can be all the time for some people.


     (rapid steps going down the stairs)

Dad: "Here we go, $40... What time do I pick you up from school?"
Boy: "Around 7:30 pm."
Dad: "Alright, I'll be there.
Hurry out, you're going to miss your bus."
     (Dad grabs boys head, and kisses his forehead)
"I love you son."
     (Guilt glows in the boys eyes)

Boy: "I love you too dad..."

     (walks away slowly not wanting to admit his lie)


     (boy walks into school)
     (greets his friends)

Boy: "Aye, Matthew, you still down for afterschool? I got the $40, my stupid dad actually bought that I was going to a fieldtrip, we have until 7 to get back."

Matthew: "Dude you dont feel guilty? Not even I would lie to my dad face to face."
     (Both laugh)
Boy: " Is your friend still hooking it up with the *****?"
Matthew: "Yeah, he's coming along with us, I hope you brought a jacket, it's going to get cold tonight."
Boy: "I did, dude I'm nervous, what if we get caught."

People have instincts on whether or not they committed something bad, the boy knew he had committed something bad, something he knew he'd regret at the bottom of his heart.
The trust in his fathers eyes killed him the second he went out the door towards his bus stop.

Matthew: "Trust me we wont, give me the $40 right now and I'll get us two grams of white widow, or do you want OG kush?"
Boy: "White widow, I was reading it has "cooler" effects when you're high."
Matthew: (laughs) "You're lame for looking it up, either way thats very true."

     (Both kids walk different directions at the intersection of the hallway)

Boy: "Alright, well I'll see you afterschool by the lunchroom vending machines."
Matthew: "Alright, I'll see you there...
And dude, don't worry, we'll be fine."

     Throughout the whole day the boy was anxious about what was going to happen afterschool, they didn't really plan anything, they just wanted a good time with marijuana and liquor.
Sometimes when I'm smoking I think if its really worth it, then I remember I'm sad for the moment, and these herbs I'm puffing on will make me smile for a few hours.

     (Boy sees Matthew from a distance and yells his name out)

Matthew: "Aye, I was just looking for you, we going? My friends waiting outside."
Boy: "Hell yeah I'm ready" (he answered with slight tone of worry)
Matthew: "Alright let's go, I've been waiting all day for this."
Boy: "Same here."


     (Both walk up to a black car by the side of the school)

Matthew: "Jesus! How've you been? This is my friend, he's going on an adventure with us today, he bought us some widow."
Jesus: (greets himself to boy, and unlocks the car doors)
I've been good man, just hanging out, work is going slow though. Nobody wants to get tattoos right now, maybe after graduation.
I'm so glad I dont have to deal with school anynore though, my mom always ******* at me for dropping out."

I dont think school can make or break your value as a human. I feel like whatever you love, is enough to pursue. I dont think can school can define intelligence. I feel like self perception of value is so low. I feel like people that love you will always tell you your value is higher than what you think it is.

Matthew: "****, mothers can be a hassle, atleast you love what you're doing now."
Jesus: (Looks at the boy) "What about your mom, what does she get on to you for?"
Boy: (looks down) "My mom died in a car crash... she was intoxicated, and didn't stop at the red light, and an 18 wheeler slammed right where she was sitting; the driver seat..."
    
     long silence
Jesus: "Sorry to hear that bro, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know."
Boy: "It's fine, we should get going now, there's cars behind us and we're causing traffic."
     (drive off)

The boys vibe was killed by remembering the thought of his mom dying.
He asked Matthew to roll up a blunt, he was starting to get sad.
All of them took hits from the blunt, and soon they were touching Gods feet, and laughing so much.

Sometimes when you remember something you dont want to remember, you do things that can put your pain to ease and convince yourself that you're happy. Little lies.
Little lies to make you smile.
Little lies to make you feel relieved.
Little lies to be accepted.
Little lies.

Jesus: "Hey guys, I'm pretty ******* high, lets go somewhere and relax, I know this place where you can look at the whole city from a cliff.
You guys want to go?"
     (both nod yes)


     car pulls up at a cliff
Boy: "Dude this place looks amazing, how'd you find out about this place?"
Jesus: "I was wandering the woods and found it, amazing right?"
Boy: "Hell yeah, the view is great."
Matthew: "Will you guys accompany me to a beer or what?"
     Both smile and start drinking heavily

The boys didn't notice, but they were intoxicated, and higher than the Empire State Building.
Before they knew it, they were in tears expressing everything they wished people knew about them.


Sometimes your consciousness explodes when your body is let go from reality.
Emotions flow like waterfalls, fast and carelessly.
Unspoken feelings are yelled into the oblivion.


It's 7.

Boy: "*******, guys I need to get back to school, and if my dad finds out I'm drunk and ****** he's going to **** me!"
Jesus: "Keep your calm, here take a hit from this."
Boy:" Dude no, I have to go, drive me back."
Jesus: "Fine, Matthew can you drive? I'm too, well you know."
Matthew: "Sure."


All three were sharing laughs on the way back, and telling eachother which girl they wanted to **** from school. Matthew was sharing his roadtrip idea he had for the summer, and Jesus was saying how much **** he'd buy for the trip.
All three were excited, because they knew they had each other.
They were each made from different backgrounds, but they became the same when they smoked and got drunk.

Boy: "Matthew look at my eyes, they look red as ****, look at them!"

(Mathew turns around)
Matthew: "Hahahaha, dude they're so red, we need to buy you some eye drops."

(Matthew accelerates still looking at the boy)

Tire squeals were heard from a distance, but kept getting closer.
(Matthew immediately turns around)


He tries to brake, but it's too late.
His reaction was too slow, his vision was blurry, and didn't know where to turn.

Ambulances covered Jesus's face while on the bed he was lying on.
Matthews face was unrecognizable.
The boy had lost his legs, and half of his head of missing,
His brains was splattered all over the winshield.


Later on, when the dad found out his only son had died, the week after the incident, he hanged himself in his livingroom.
You know, it's crazy how a lie can take away future plans and expectations.
Plans erased.
Expectations like they never existed.
People's footsteps on earth, like if they never stepped on it.


My mom used to tell me it's wasn't good to lie.
I didn't believe it, lying had brought me a long way when I was a child.
I never knew I was going to suffer consequences 5 months ago, when I was suicidal because I was depressed.
I guess every lie I said came back as big drops of sadness raining in my heart.
I guess it's better to feel pain in truth; in the present,
than to feel pain in the future because of something you could've avoided with honesty.
In the end, it all catches up to you.

he rides his bike through woods that swallow his inner most desires
he has the urge to be a servent to people with upside down smiles
he knows what he knows is a curse
he knows that knowledge is pain
he wanders streets like a tourist
he sits and cries when no ones around for no reason  but to let out emotion every once in a while
he tries to be like the same, but cant because of the huge question mark on his forehead
he talks to women like if they all had a special place in his heart
he's sorry, he just wants people to feel cared for
he makes up scenarios in his head to make himself laugh about the what if's
he kisses his mother before he goes to bed because he's scared of her not waking up the next morning
he prays for death before anyone in his family so he won't feel the pain of losing a loved one, he's lost a few already
he cant take much more honestly
he doesn't trust anyone, but gives second chances
he walks school hallways listening to uplifting music to feel superior from everyone else
he daydreams of a futures that will maybe will never come
he talks to people for experience around human culture
he plays piano to calm his anger when his knuckles can't take anymore wall punches
he writes to make worlds he can live in when he's in solitude
he listens to loud music to block out screams of attention everywhere he goes
he reads the bible for some kind of hope in words
he knows the maze in his mind but cant get out even if he tore down all the walls
he's got a problem with love, a big one
he sleeps with a ****** incase Satan wants to **** with him when he sleeps
he prays before he closes his eyes to see galaxies in the dark incase illusions ****
he believes in aliens because he doubts coincidence in world wonders
his name is David, and he aspires to be nothing but an expression

I really wanted to hold your hand in the summer of 14 while driving listening to AM
I really wanted to continue our notebook of thoughts and ideas until it was full so we could put them to life
I really wanted to explore Dallas holding your hand even though you didn't fancy affection in public
I really wanted to make you smile for months and on, maybe even years
I really wanted to read to you while you rested your head on my chest
I really wanted to make you dinner at your house when you got hungry and there was nothing already cooked and ready to eat
I really wanted to be your Fred Astaire
I really wanted to play you songs on my piano when your sadness reached your beautiful soul
I really wanted you to be my 3am thoughts on how lovely you are and how much you amazed me
I really didn't want for me to be a common misconception
I really wanted to be with you, for a long time
I didn't fear loving you
I feared 'forever' ending

i want to be an aspiring nothing
senseless i know
i dont like getting socially acceptable answers, just to not seem weird
why cant people answer me with answers that reflect their true selves
i used to wonder if disorders were characterized by emotional and behavioral problems
and if meant to be's were planned by people
and not by God
i'd be challenging opinions on the challenged and
what do they base humans on?
chaos and not believing in the "right"?
i used to want to be "intelligent"
then i found out to be intelligent i had to meet environmental demands
i dont think i'll ever be intelligent,
and i dont think a person should be set to a title
i grow up daily, and im a variety of things
to be something in particular, there's limits
i'd rather be nothing and do all
than to be something and do one task
i used to adore the word of God,
with pain in my heart
now i get rich from less of the influential, and everything that is taught with no teacher to teach
i used to sin and wait for consequences
now i sin because Jesus Christ died for them
i used to measure my so called "intelligence" by using big words,
later i found out it didn't matter if i used big words in my simple sentences
what mattered was the meaning behind it
i used to wonder what God really meant
i used to think he wasn't significant because of the 3 letters, I was 5 years old
now thanks to beautiful printed letters in the bible i know that he's an option to believe in to be happy
"and when you pray, do not use vein repetition, as the heathen do. for they think they will be heard for their many words." (Matthew 6:7)
i guess that's why im alive, i prayed to die for me repeatedly
my selfish self didn't want to feel pain when someone i loved, left me
i guess purpose grows, and in time i'll know
until then
i'll be nothing but an expression

The whips to our backs are mental scars
Not much of physical scars
Scars can rub off easily, bad memories stay with you
They haunt you
Freedom is given to what society thinks is justified to our world
The world of diversity, somewhat we're trapped in a cage being tortured by our own kind of malignant people
We're free from freedom, and our knees are ashy from the ground we kneel in
Our bodies are burning, the sun has polluted our bodies with sweat, its affecting the way we think
We do not belong here
We're supposed to be free, free from slavery, not free from freedom
Our scars on our backs are chants
Chants that one day will be heard
And we'll walk the streets with confidence
We'll triumph together as one
My fellow brothers and sisters
We will be free

I would've never thought I'd fall for a girl who's fascinated by pictures of the city of Dallas
I mean my sense of affection for a girl named Denisse is very much in quantity
I think I'm married to the night, and she's married to the thought of walking around at night
In Dallas
I ask myself what hour it is when I'm around a beautiful motion
I dont notice time and I think I'm very fortunate because of that
She walks the streets and grips her iPhone to capture anything eye catching
In Dallas
And people say atheists go to hell, it bothers me so much because she's an opposition to my beliefs
And if after this life we dont see eachother, lets make memories
In Dallas
Memories will be endless galleries of kisses
In Dallas
We'll carve our names in coffee shop tables for people to know that we were there
That we were...
In Dallas

im in love with a girl who shakes her head with a cute sigh and smile when i tell her something nice
im in love with a girl who wears cosby knitted sweaters, and responds to my utter nonsense i tend to say
im in love with a girl who makes any destination easy to reach if you hold her hand tight enough
im in love with a girl who i wouldn't mind skydiving with
mother, im in love with a girl who doesn't believe in what you believe in
im in love with a girl that makes me question if aliens are real or not
i used to be so sure of things, now im not
and im most grateful to be part of such an insight of things
im in love with a girl who is anything but a common misconception
im in love with a girl who should smile more often to brighten the days of others, because it brightens mine
im in love with a girl who has her happiness scattered like raindrops on a car window
im in love with a girl who I've adored since the 8th grade
im in love with a girl who puts my ****** bones to work when i smile
im in love with a girl who ive always been proud of  standing next to
im in love with the girl who wears doc martens boots and has the eye brows of a model
im in love with a girl named Denisse

I've been places where the dark is its sunlight
The noises are naked and noisy
My ears block out screams
The screams are carried in trash bags that are placed in holes in the earth that play performences to recollect value
Oh dear God what ive been deciphered as is scriptured in your book
I haven't yet noticed the fullness of time and my patience is running out
There are songs that blend with my soul
There are days where the sun doesn't give light to my world of cancer
I look forward to foggy days for some kind of push to create a man out of myself
When I see myself, I see that I'm inspired by magic lanterns and damaging the atmosphere
At times I leap back a few and notice my mistakes
And I noticed no one loves a cannabis addict who roams the moving universe I'm creating and destroying
There's little hope, but no water
There a destination, but no roads
There's dreams, but no sleep
There's your future, but I'm not there
There's people, but no humanity
It's 4am, I wonder what I'll look forward to later on in my dreary merciful prison

everything that made me
is forgotten at some point of self progression
and yes, the meaning of true love changes within every lover you love
it seems like it gets truer everytime you fall again
but the things you do arent the purest
maybe one day i will center my interests and arrange them
but everything is scattered right now, and I dont know... I think it's beautiful
im obsessed with a lot of things
im obsessed with the grip of your hands around me when im kissing you
im obsessed with the cold weather and how it makes me feel like such a hopeless form of heat
creating myself has had it's obstables
and God has put some flat walls that are hard to climb
and my mother has made my ears hurt due to the screaming in my ear because of my behavior of doing the "right"
the world is patterned with joy and regret
at times I dont know where to go
and everyone else has chosen a path that may or may not workout
i have trouble doing so, i want you to hold my hand while I do so
because people can make sweet tea bitter and pian reflects glory
the tires on my bike are flat
and my destination is getting further
it seems like the longer I stay a still
the further and harder I have to fight
i thank obstacles for creating me this far enough to love the unloved
i think i finally see the upside, and stars arent so far
the sun isnt so suffocating the breeze i want to feel when im with you
catch me stealing stars like stealing smiles from the happy
maybe contradictions are taught in heaven
maybe truth is taught in hell
and maybe i just love you a little too much
maybe living is worth it now
i think it's now

the morning calls
and its waiting for your answer
sleep ignores the rings
the birds sing for you to wake up
the worlds rotation stops
your pillow holds your head closer
your mom doesnt know what to do
the cars on the streets stop
the stop light stays on red
your mom's is questioning Gods graciousness if its destiny for you to sleep forever
she holds you close, and her tears fill the room with emotion that's contradictory to smiling
her tea starts to boil, she doesnt care
she holds you close
everything that made you is still
your moms hours are running fast because the pain stills cherishment
and all the pretty faces you've encountered throughout your whole life are the ones looking at the stone you're under
and all the bad mouths regret how they used to tease your way with words
your school announces your death and the silence around the school is a reflection of how you used to be in class
and your soul shouts freedom in the sky
your carved name on the stone you're under is a sign of victory and the end of bleeding ears

im afraid the sun doesnt wait for me in the morning
im afraid people will love me for the wrong reasons
im scared of people understanding art one day
im scared people will look at me and think of me as an ideal teen dreamer
im afraid the stars are just reflections of the people who are sad
im afraid my soul is decaying as i think of ways to save myself
im afraid to let go of my mothers hand during prayer
im afraid of speaking up to my preacher about the doubts ive written about the bible
im afraid people will find out what type of photgraphy i like
im afraid people will make fun of the music i listen to before i sleep
im afraid the government keeps track of my internet history
im afraid of falling in love with the devil
im afraid of wonders i could have never thought of
im afraid im just another one Gods children
im afraid im just another one of those puppets Lucifer controls
im afraid of the eyes i look into when i look at the mirror
im afraid of a lot of things
im afraid of my mom not coming home one day
im afraid churches are illusions of a peaceful place
im afraid the only peaceful place is your heart
im afraid the only safe place is between your arms
im afraid i only feel peace when im kissing you
im afraid to live
im afraid to die
im afraid of myself

The oxygen of trees give life to my lungs
But also confuse them
Trees can give and take
The strong branches can swing your body around when a rope is tied around your neck
The shade their hundreds of leaves give me dry my sweat after a long bike ride
I wonder how many cigarettes I've ashed on trees, I hope they dont hurt them
I am most grateful you're there instead of ashing if on my neck when I'm feeling down
I am most grateful you're there when I'm tired of hitting flat surfaces with mt fists
I am most grateful you were too high to climb when I wanted to hang myself that sunny morning
I'm grateful you made me smile when I was 6 at my grandmas house in Mexico, the tire they roped to you and pushed me in made me most relaxed
I didn't have much to worry about, but you took away the little of sadness I had
Thanks for listening to me cry when I ran to the park and sat and leaned by you after my dad hit my mom
You've swung so many bodies
For laughter
For a visit to the room of judgement
For accidents
Ode to you
For giving and taking
You've done both for me, I wished you weren't so hard to climb
But thanks to the altitude, I'm here
Breathing to what you give me

Wake up and smell your mothers pancakes on a Sunday morning before church while your dad is watching cartoons wanting to be a kid again
The childhood he never had is on tv
The food his mother could never afford is on the pan cooking
You wake up and hear the hope birds sing while you inhale the scentless air
Stepping inside; your sister greets you with a hug
Knowing she doesn't mean them, you smile anyways
On the way to church the thoughts of provoking ****** things come up while the bible is on your lap
The bible slowly starts to rise
What am I?
What are you?
What is your purpose?
You stare at the priest with such questionable doubt
Is he lying to me?
You walk out of church with tears rolling down your eyes and suddenly realize you're in a dream, and you have to wake up soon because the questions you're asking  yourself are hurting you
You take the train to the city
Listen to the birds for the last time, take the elevator to the highest floor of your favorite building and throw away your body to the empty air that feels like a million swords stabbing you as you're going down quickly
Your eyes open, and gold gates are opening
Hell is deceiving, you'll die a million more times tonight
I'm alive

my mother once told me happiness isn't realized
I guess that's why I never seem to catch myself cherish it
When I was 7 I made out with my sisters bestfriend
I had no idea what I was doing
What I did know is that I was sinning
I knew that I was doing something rated R according to the movies
I sin a lot, but I sin because if I dont, Jesus Christ died for no reason
It's only fair
Sometimes im riding my bike and spit ahead of me and catch it again while riding
Sometimes I eat cold pizza, almost frozen
Sometimes I look at girls and feel nauseous
Sometimes I want to die, sometimes I want to live
Sometimes I remember, sometimes I smoke ****
Sometimes I wear shorts in the cold, sometimes I wear sweaters in the hot
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh a lot
Sometimes I open doors for old people, sometimes I egg their cars
This is not suitable for anyone
This is garbage
This is a waste
I'm going to respond to that text I just got
Sleep well
And dont ******* too much
Love you

Buried in the stillness of time
I loved how I used to cry about not having anybody to share things with
Later on I found out I should cherish what other people didn't know about the mysteries of the human mind
I thought of it as a gift, not a curse
Yet at times this "gift" made me find ropes to tie around my neck
I wonder a lot, and sometimes wanderers wander to the their inner monsters
Pain has brought me to my knees, and stronger I've gotten
I guess that's why my thighs never get tired when I travel 10 blocks on my bike with nothing on my mind but the stillness of the time
When a kid opens their gift for Christmas they feel happy and hopeful
I'm scared to open my gift
I'm afraid I will explode
I'm afraid the only thing that will be seen is a letter saying how much I loved my mom and the persons I cared about and how sorry I was that I wasn't going to see them, ever again..
I'm not good at goodbyes, many people know that
I guess that's why I usually "peace out" when I leave the scene
I guess that's why I still think the earth is still greeting me to more things
The day the greet ends, I'll know to let go to mother natures handshakes
I pray to God people learn to love and care truly
I pray to God people understanding isn't fully understanding
I pray to God he takes my soul away before my mothers
I pray to God my friends read everything I have ever written so they know that the person that makes them laugh is smiling at his sadness and confusion
I pray to God society doesn't define me by what my grades are  
I pray to God I'm not thirsty or hungry before I die
I pray to God, I pray to God

Excuse my absence
Therapy is driving me crazy
I'll be back in a few days with some new stuff
Stay blessed

My lungs have been damaged and now they're the color of how I like my coffee
Black

If I were to have no meaning
I would be fully unclothed
If I were to be armed with needs
You'll see me with a blue coat
Armed with lucky charms and wishes
My business is in my pockets
Yours are in the mouth you insult your mother with
When you see me with a blue coat
Know that I am ready to open the gates to the sky
Within the coat, there will be pockets of rich cotton
Within the pockets, there will be a cherishing smell
The salt in your eyes will be noticed
You'll envy that I will soon visit another universe
I won't explore, I'll just float and laugh at what seems to be a false religion
My spirit you want to figure out is senseless and insipid
Paradise is alone
My purity was taken a few disagreements and punches ago
A few less ***** ago
The mystery of your touch will be my new religion
So **** if the world is moving
Let's visit the clouds and sit within the stillness of your voice that damages my soul

I guess it is how we're made
Our fate lies along pain and tears
These days I just create art and listen to songs I'd dedicate to you
I imagine us in each others presence in motion of the music
The Saturdays I imagine myself with you and you're not with me are sadder days
There's times where I go on bike rides and pretend I'm riding to your house to give you roses
So I'd have your smile to look forward to
If I don't pretend, I'm riding to the destination of nothingness
If I don't pretend I would stay in my bed thinking of you wondering what it would be like you being secure in my arms
Sometimes pretending is all I can do to feel like nothing is missing
I've been pretending lately, and I'm okay
And I'll be okay until the day I throw myself from the building I've always wanted to visit
Then I'll be great

What if finding a girlfriend was as easy as finding the sun on a summers day?
What if a cat barked?
What if God was part of greek mythology?
What if living was as easy as dying?
What if forgetting was that easy?
What if loving was hard to do?
What if those eyes told a lie?
What if you are a disguise?
Its hard not to love a person like you..
What if a ***** meant sweet?
What if understanding a persons situation was as easy as just saying “I understand, I’m here for you”
What if they’re not?
What if they wanted to **** you?
What if bad was good?
What if killing a person added 1 more year to live?
In that case I would live to be 1000 years old.
But that’s just a what if.
What if, what if….

art is your body on top of mine

baby let me break your heart

baby i want to make you hopeless

baby i want to be the reason you’re depressed

baby i want to be the reason you consider suicide

baby i want you to cry

baby stab your **** for me

if you loved me, you’d do what i told you to do

baby soak me with your spit

dry me with your breathe

baby **** your religion praise me

give up what you believe, for me

it’s really hard to up heave the way i feel at times

people try to cheer the environment with unsophisticated actions

you’d have to probe me to actually feel what “feelings” really are

see life is a ******* big gamble

you either risk it all to live a great life or a ****** life

then you have teen love, with the same view points and bam another what the ****

another story to tell your friends

most girls i know have neophyte like if they don’t know what to do

then they say **** when emotions kick in that’s incoherent

when love hits it’s hard to stay away, i’d rather ponder

when a door shuts be an opportunist to win things over and find the key

that’s like giving up and trying something new and ******* at it

i’ll stick to learning every instrument in an orchestra so i can make my own concerto

and i will, I’ve been waiting for 5 years to start the composing

and i am a genius, notes are colors, music is art

if Picasso would’ve been a musical genius the music would turn into colors, the sistine chapel would be a nice orchestral piece

so many what if’s in the world

like if 20 years past, and they made another bible, would i be in it?

cause i’m destined to be somebody, it’s a promise

people take insults in a very ***** way

you choose what to be offended by in other words

a girl gets called a ***** and cries

so somebody can call me a musical genius and cry

it’s really the way you take it up the ***

in some occasions words really are stronger than actions

can love get old?

does true love really wait?

understanding is vital to me, but taking time out of your day to read and examine my writing is even better to me

cause then people appreciate your intelligence and admire you in a way they can’t see

and all the moments that are bad all conclude and remind me of a small *******

publish thoughts draw music make art creativity is everywhere find it

it is now 2014, I wrote this 17 months ago and I'm suicidal

what if my skin was really yellow but the vision of your mind is telling you it’s brown and you’re convinced to think it’s brown, what if your lover really didnt love you, what if dinosaurs are still alive… would you want one as your pet? words are very strong, but it also depends how you see them as…. what if “talking ****” was an honest opinion? is there such thing as a perfect error? so many poems to write, i just can’t gather all my thoughts in one so i scatter them out and write one small one. all the yip yap people say is really annoying but it’s a subject of matter you have to deal with, i wake up anew, and do my do’s, through the pain, i’ll always say the truth.. it’s not about it being about me it’s about me doing what the right thing is. life is a religion, and misunderstood art. the poets are the preachers, the words are the scriptures, many things are jejune, that’s why we don’t keep up with it. so much creativity keeping me stable, and writings. the feelings of expression and people being amazed by it is significant, all of the creativity, it’s allowing us to make mistakes, art is knowing which ones to keep. music, is really complex if you really look behind the meaning. simple if you just listen. i’m a curious person, curious about my mind because it’s capable of so much and controls so much, controls your style and taste levels that determine you, at time you’ll feel useless to the world, but then i realize how many lives i’ve impacted. i’m just passionate about different subject, i can’t really explain it all in words, more i’d like to show people. just to show off and to be looked up to, but then again, well die and rot and 10 years from that you’ll be 1 of billions that died… that simple. i suffer from hubris, tons of it, it’d be hard to understand, yet it’d be understandable if you were me. many people have it, but are ******* to show they’re significance, i go to school to learn fuckery, but i already know what i want to know thanks to the little scenarios i go through on a daily bases. i just can’t stand the fact that people always have to look on the negative side, why can’t they just sit back and look at life like i do and admire. greater things come ahead. what if i was the next ******, a loving kind who loved his people. who knows, so many unanswered questions that will never be answered. artistic visions that will never be shown. **** hate, yet so much violence. a lot of love, but much ***. i dont ******* know, just a little thought, got a little lost in the moment. peace. love. "happiness"

She’s so insecure, yet the prettiest girl I know
She walks the halls with her head down when I look up to her
She talks so quiet, I think it’s because she’s afraid guys will far for her beautiful voice
She doesn’t even try to look nice
Her worst days are some girls best days
When she tries, she’s the queen in my mind
She rules my world
If I had the chance, I would take her hand and make her happy
When she says love, she makes it sound believeable
When she cries my world stops
I could think all day about her
But the situation I’m in would not progress
When we text, I have to think
She hides her smile, she shouldn’t
Because I know if she didn’t she could cure a blind person
Such a representation of excellence to me
But here I am doing nothing about it
Again
Im scared she won't believe me

My old man is a good guy
He walks alone, waiting
He has a long sadness
From so much walking I look at him from a distance But we’re so different
He grew up with the century
With streetcars and red wine
Old man, my dear old man
You walk slowly now
As if forgiving the wind I’m your blood, old man I’m your silence and your time
He has sharp eyes
And a heavy build
Old age came upon him suddenly
Without a carnival or celebration
My years are new years, I'm 16
The man’s years are old
He carries his pain inside him
And he has history without time
Old man, my dear old man
You walk slowly now
Old man I’m your silence and your time
Old man, father
I miss you

He was scared to face the world alone on his own

Mistreated often, so he had thoughts of putting his life to ends

Mentally he was abandoned by the imaginary family he had

They left because they were tired of his sentimental feelings

His real family died a few years back and he was left with nothing

Sorrow chased him and caught up to him everywhere he went

He made imaginary people to keep sane

His life was a story, he was the writer

His life was a movie, he was the director

His life was a government, he was the dictator

His anger grew out towards the world

Emptiness filled his mind

Many years of suffering built up 

He was at the tip of the cliff, his toes at the edge

Known for a ******* ******

Loved writing and imagining scenarios

Imagined a dark world, where he ruled it

Many books written on it in his mind

People dying, babies burning, glory to him

Known as the Antichrist

Gods child, Lucifers puppet

I will be depressed tonight, and tomorrow
I hate only having split seconds of happiness when I kiss you before I go to class
I wish I could kiss you forever
I wish I could kiss you hello instead of goodbye
I wish I could kiss you when the clock clicks goodnight
I wish I could kiss you when the sun is beginning to show on cold mornings where your kisses are the only seconds that can make me warm
Train rides are really boring without music
I like to play indie chill music while riding
I'd rather hear you whisper in my ear how much you love taking pictures of the city we live in
I really hope we do as we say
On gloomy days, your kisses will make me happy
The day I'm dead
Your kisses will bring me to life
Just a few more seconds alive, enough to enjoy one last kiss of happiness

I wish I was 18
It'll be officially legal to **** myself slowly, thank God for cigarettes
I am the bad thought that does your son good
I am the regret that does your daughter good
We feel right, doing what pleases
It doesnt look like we can lose
Our intensions will never lose
And I'll probably go hell... bauptized
I just finished showering, but my soul is as ***** as a *******
As ***** as your girlfriend, as ***** as your mom
It's 10:23 pm, and I'm confused between a poem I cant write and a poem I'm writing
I dont know where I'll end up
I don't know much
Much of anything
Anything of nothing
I don't know nothing
The only thing I know is that I'll do good to worms when I'm beneath the ground and they're hungry

I stopped thinking about which tree I wanted to hang from
But I still think about it, and it'll haunt me for a while
I'd picture myself getting praised, while dead
Looking down with no stare
I'll feel significant above others
Just a few feet above the ground could change my view
But it'll be too late
Imagine running in heaven and falling in love with the devil
Would you do anything for your love
Would you walk downstairs for a kiss
I'm looking at this board in my room and it says "life is good"
Thats contradictory to a kid who smokes *** and who's mom thinks he's a Christian
Maybe God gave up on me
Wouldn't you **** yourself if the person you loved the most stopped loving you?
Question after question
Thoughts turn into shots to the head
Its 4:31 and this cigarette is burning out beside the church by my house
Holy smokes
I need to go home, it's cold
Plus I think there's pizza at home, I think
Later

I think I have found more reasons to hate myself.
I know life is about cherishing yourself being.
But I feel like a car crash that was unintentional.
Maybe my mom was right, maybe I am an accident.
I rather be a” was” right now.
“He was an accident” engraved on my stone that will stand on top of me when the earth is sinking me in.
There’s many ways to cure, but I’d rather not be cured, I deserve everything that people say I don’t deserve.
I’m a senseless kid not knowing better than to run outside half naked when it’s 16 degrees.
It’s just that I’m far too careless about myself now, and I don’t care, I just want to help people.
Maybe my soul was meant to be broken down to pieces and given out to the people who need some.
Or maybe I just spend so much time thinking I forgot about it.
My body knows me so well; it numbs itself before I torture it by punching bricked walls.
It knows me so well it has a springer in my throat because it knows how much I don’t like feeling heavy.
I know myself so well I smoke until I shouldn’t feel.
I wonder how it would be like to forget at an instant.
I wonder if true love truly waits.
I’m sorry for the love I give that isn’t enough,
I’m sorry for the love I give that is too much that you don’t want.
I know if you drift away, your reasons will always be for its best.
Maybe I’m not good at what I love to do.
Maybe I should stop trying to get people to express what they truly feel.
Maybe I should because you expressed what you truly felt about me and now I’m here playing happy chords on my piano to feel lifted from the grief.
Whatever it is that is causing this, I know its reasons are for its best.
You should really let the river in.
Maybe I am what you think of me; maybe I’m just in denial.
I’d love to see me the way you see me, why do you look up to me, why?
Is it possible to love life but also hate yourself?
How do I enjoy one thing I can’t control?
Maybe it’s progression within you.
I surely do feel a person can be classified as art by their mannerisms.
I adore a few people because I see them as art; they see me as art too do to the little I do that has helped.
I wonder if pride gets in the way of doing something beneficial to the world, what if it’s stopping people from happiness.
I think money comes and goes like happiness, you can never be so sure.
I’m only sure of very little, but who knows.
I think people tend to remember more of the bad times whether than the good, sadness is a long story, it can ruin and make you forget, and it can build and make you remember.
Throughout today, I’ve gone through a variety of emotions.
Yesterday was something I wasn’t prepared for, I always am but everything came to a sudden breakdown.
I’m going to record what I feel throughout this day until I feel like I’ve progressed with everything in different ways.
I hate time so much.
I hate how I thought a home could be in someones heart, my home is still there, but I think I lost the key; I think it’ll be lost for a while.
My demons inside want to unlock themselves, but somehow I still feel the love, I think I’ll always feel it, I’m glad I can feel imaginary things.
You know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t think about anything much, I wonder where I’d be right now.
At the end I feel like it’s two against one, I’m not sure what goes against what, there are just things you feel, and sometimes feeling is stupid.
I really don’t know how everything I’ve encountered has inspired me to be the person I am right now as I’m typing this in my dark room.
Little by little I start realize things I should realize when something bad happens that I overreact to.
I really don’t know what I am, sometimes I feel like my Christian phase is coming, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t believe.
I strongly believe in someone I love dearly, I don’t feel like I should believe in anything else.
I think that person is enough, more than enough.
But who knows, I mean I know but I don’t know.
It’s been a day since I’ve written anything on here, and I’m broken, it seems like I take a step forward due to hopes, then I step back two steps.
I’ve been contemplating so many things, I say nothing so I won’t be a burden, it feels nice to be worried for but at the same time I hate it.
I think my mom was right, I’m such a disappointment.
People at school give me reasons to look high of myself though, that’s makes me feel much better in all honesty.
I feel like if they’re secure before I am, then I’ll be okay because I’ve helped.
Its 4:11 pm and its November 25th 2013, I’ve never felt like this in my life.
I think I should be a diary to some people, I think I am.
Today was horrible, I’ve always talked about controlling my days and balancing them out with happiness but at the end I find ways to hate myself and something always has to go wrong.
Who knows, maybe my luck has ran out.
I’ve never actually believed in it, but if I did, I don’t think I ever had any, except for some cases; the people I’ve met are most beautiful.
There are days where I feel determined, there are days where I question my determination, and maybe everything will be okay.
But then again there are always those doubts that bother me.
Its 4:32 and I’m contemplating something really hard.
I think it’s time for me to go.
It is now January 12th
Im back.
Save me.

People have different definitions of joy, and I can honestly to say that you are my joy.
I’ve never been so proud of my joy.
With everything that goes wrong in the world, there’s always the sun shining in the dark.
When I think of the sun enlightening people’s souls, I think of you making everything easier for me.
I feel cold at this moment, and it’s not the weather.
I could be outside naked, it could 0 degrees, and I still wouldn’t feel this cold.
I want to be your first and last kiss.
I want to be your everything.
Everything that makes me happy, I share to my world.
I share to you in other words.
My world is filled with soft green grass and the idea of it makes me tremble.
The tears of tonight will remain until the day you comeback.
I wonder what you’re doing right now, its 7:49 pm, and I’ll probably do things in between while typing this.
I hope you’ll still wake up and think to yourself that I’m yours, because I am.
And I’ll be yours until the sun doesn’t give out light anymore.
I’ll still wake up with hope, because you’re in my soul, my heart, and mind.
You’re my hope.
I’m sorry if you get teary.
If so, my intentions are only to make you happy.
Like always, everything for you that I do is to make you happy.
Even if I’m not there with you, I hope I’m in your soul, heart, and mind.
I know nothing will ever change between us, a few weeks from now we’ll be laughing, hugging, and kissing.
I’ll be taking you flowers to your doorstep, and I’ll be taking you out on dates.
We’ll get on train rides, and we’ll fall even more in love under the stars in Dallas.
When I heard you cry, I shattered, everything for one split second seemed impossible.
My voice started to crack and I felt like a new born baby.
I was so confused on who I was, I started to cry.
I never want to make you cry again.
The only time I want to see you cry is when I slip on that ring on our wedding day.
I’ve put so much thought into our future, the feeling when I do has never felt so right.
Never have I believe in something so true like you, I don’t need religion.
You’re all I need to believe in.
If you ever fall, I’ll be there to pick you up.
Even when I’m at my lowest, I’ll be there to pick you up.
Always remember, you’re not disappointing anybody.
I’m proud of everything you have accomplished.
I’m proud of you, and everything you have done.
There’s nothing to be disappointed about.
Trust me; I look up to you in so many ways.
You have inspired me to be the person that I am today.
I can’t improve on myself anymore.
Because you made me all that I am, and all that I ever want to be.
I’ll always be yours, and you’ll always be mine.
Even though forever doesn’t exist, it sure does seem like it with you.
Our love seems like forever.
I know you and I will walk the streets of the city holding hands.
When we’re tired of walking we’ll sit somewhere, and I’ll kiss your forehead for reassurance that I love you at that moment, and every moment that we come across.
I love you.
It’s 8:11 pm and I’m still wondering what you’re doing.
I’m wondering what you’re thinking of.
I get jealous of your guitars, because they get to be on your arms every day.
I wish I could be your guitar forever.
I haven’t eaten since 11am, and I’m not hungry.
My throat feels weird for some reason, I’m disgusted by myself.
I feel like screaming, I think my neighbors heard my scream this afternoon.
I think my walls are hurt.
I think my mouth is tired of tasting the salty taste of my tears.
I think my knuckles numb.
I feel like a clock right now, moving but going nowhere.
The hands will always wind up in the same spot.
With you I go everywhere.
You’re the portal to somewhere that doesn’t exist that is peaceful.
I know I’ll be on your mind when you wake up and you know you’ll be on mine.
You and I both know.
I hope you’re happy.
As long as I know you’re mine and I know I’m yours I’m happy.
I hope you think the same.
I will always remember the face you made when I showed you the music on my iPod.
Your eyes were filled with amazement.
If I knew what love was back then I would’ve said I fell in love with the look in your eyes.
I will always remember.
Never forget that I will always remember.
Sometimes I think how we would look like when we’re older.
Other times I think of you, and the future.
For Christmas I’ll take you on a carriage ride in Dallas.
We can kiss in the seats we’re in.
Nothing has changed; I don’t think they ever will.
Nothing has felt so real.
Nothing will ever feel this real.
When I get my car over the summer we can sneak out together and go to IHop at 3am just as you wished a while back.  
After that we’ll go to Wal-Mart and act crazy in there.
I knew it’d get to this point of satisfaction.
Even though right now we’re not at our best, we both know we will be soon.
The day I held your hand at the fair, I meant it.
That was one of the greatest days in my life because I got to spend it with all of my friends and you.
It’s 8:32 pm and I’m wondering if I’ll still be awake at 3am like I always was.
Knowing I was your boyfriend made me sleep in peace.
I won’t sleep in peace until I am again in all honesty.
The person I am at 3 am is a very bad person.
But I’ll have you to think about, so everything will be fine.
I hear the TV from my room; usually I have music on to block it out.
It’s silent in my room right now, I wonder if it is in yours too.
Whenever you feel down listen to Baby I’m yours by Artic Monkeys.
Just for reassurance that everything will be okay.
Denisse, it’s been 1,098 words and this isn’t even the introduction to what I feel.
I know there will be better days ahead, because you’ll be in my future.
It’s 8:42 pm and it’s been an hour since I’ve been sitting on this chair typing this down, thinking.
I want to listen to music, but I’m playing back things you’ve said to me in my head that has made me feel the way I feel right now.
I remember when you used a pick-up line on me in 8th grade; it was something about you wanting a picture of me and some other stuff.
I’ll never forget that.
You would wear black pants, black vans, and a white dress shirt to the concerts while every other girl would wear skirts.
During the summer we should go to concerts and start mosh pits.
During this time I’ve been typing this I’ve wanted to cry, I don’t know.
I’ll probably sleep with my Bluetooth headphones tonight and connect it to my phone that will be in the living room.
I’ll have it on shuffle; I know I’ll cry to a few songs while I think of you.
I haven’t cried in a while.
You’re worth crying for.
It’s 8:57 pm and I’m going to go shower, plus I have to put my phone up.
I hate time.
I just got out the shower, I was just standing there.
It’s 9:30 pm and I think I’m going to try to get some sleep.
I love you so much, goodnight darling, my love.
Sweet dreams.
I hope this small journey through my mind.
I’ll do this every day just so you know I haven’t forgotten about you and that I’m here.
I’ll wait for you Denisse.
I love you, peace.