Happiness isn't an emotion. It's being with you.

Whenever I die
I don’t want people to lie
And say I was nice
That wouldn’t be right
Tell them how I felt inside
How easy it was to make me cry
How I’d jump from guy to guy
That I wasn’t easy to love
And I rarely felt like I was enough
I believed in God above
But living it out was really rough
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
I could be mad and if you’d seen it
You’d know I say thing and not mean it
Tell so many lies that I’d believe it
Say I’d love them then I’d leave em
I never shared what was mine
And I wasted too much time
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
To the people I hurt I would apologize
Though I always thought I was right
I’d be crying and say I was fine
And I’d feel lonely most of the time
If it’s not too much to ask
Do me a favor one last time
Tell them who I am
Whenever I die

I know you pretend like I don't have pages and pages of poems about other guys.
I know you pretend like I didn't tell you about the time I cheated on my boyfriend last year.
I know you pretend like you didn't hear me throw up in the bathroom down the hall.
I know you pretend like you didn't see the scars on my wrist.
I know you pretend that all the things that aren't perfect about me don't exist and maybe that's why "you and I" will never be "us"

I've learned a lot in my life. I learned that sometimes all you can do is forgive. I learned that people are not homes and if you make a home out of a person then that's when things start going wrong. I learned that sometimes your best friends aren't the best friends for you. Sometimes you need to accept that and just move on. I learned that it's not about whose been there the longest. Sometimes someone will come into your life. No, not come. Run. Jump.  And sometimes they finally knock some sense into you. I learned that people can't make you happy. Money can't make you happy. Even God can't make you happy. And YOU can make yourself happy. I learned to stop complaining about things you need to do because it takes less time to just do it. I learned to appreciate the small things before they become all you need. Sometimes people that you think will stay will leave. Sometimes people you think will leave will stay. People will always hate you for being you. They will hate you for fitting in or standing out. They will hate you if you're skinny or if your fat or if your tall or if your short or if you wear makeup or if you don't wear makeup. So just be you and live. Because this is your life and it's ending seconds at a time.

This is really important to me.

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1055967/the-monster-downstairs/

Wish I could look at you.
Wish that these demons calling to me wouldn't be the last to see me.
They scream to me in a familiar voice, the one voice I'd wanna hear.
Yours.
But I know once I awake I'll see my greatest pain.
My biggest regret.
My deepest fear.
I'll see you in that revolving door once again.
When you decided I was no longer what you wanted
When you gave me everything then took it away when you left in silence that turned into a black memory crammed so far down the bottle I forgot it was even there.
You changed my world and plagued everything and everyone around.
Because every little thing you used to do calls to me asking me to remember, to see it once again.
And the birds in the freezer in my heart have become so still and quiet.
My pupils grow smaller and smaller every day because in my world that used to be so bright and full of life has become so dark and small.
And I can't come to terms with living in a world without us.
So I look-
I hear you.
I feel you.
I see you

the silence has more to say than I'd like to hear

I can't explain our relationship. Yes I'm hurting, but I'm happier with you than without you.

the type of boy who drinks a bottle for each of his problems and doesn't realize he's created a whole new one until it's too late.

I'm so tired of crying over you.
I'm so tired of you being here even though you're gone.

loving you was like the split second when you die and are revived
i felt like i had nothing but matches and gasoline
i was nothing but an unfinished book that the author didn’t want to finish
when i met you everything changed
i had learned the peace of healing
i learned the grace of forgiveness
i became whole
the fire that once burn my brain with anxiety was finally calmed
it was like driving under a bridge in the rain
i felt excited and quiet for once in life
now you’re gone and so am i
i don’t remember how to heal without you so i’ll just wait until you come back through that door
i will wait until you remember what it felt like calm the storm
walk across the ocean back to me and tell me i am worthy of life again.

Its been so long I'm starting to wonder if I have anything left to say
Its been so long I have an entire new life but here I am again
Here I am running back to the same paper and pen
Running back to write about you.
Its been years. I'm wondering why I'm even thinking about it in the first place.
Maybe its because someone had asked me if I was okay, I said yes.
But what I should've said was I'm trying.
I'm trying. God knows I'm trying.
God knows I'm unraveling.
God knows I'm anxious.

I'm 22 now.
But truthfully I feel like I've been dead since 2014.
I feel like I'm in another person's body.
Just existing.
Because all I remember are the ways you made me feel alive and its killing me.
It's been killing me slowly like a cigarette.
And I keep coming back because I'm addicted because this is the only life I've known.
Eagerly inhaling your secondhand smoke.
I'm afraid I'll waste away like this.
I'm afraid I feel helpless.
I feel trapped in you.
I'm afraid.