You can not be a window
sealed,
Eden dreamt Bara bara
eleven years of December

Spirit wedded bliss
soul promised
pushing
a name
love light divine
non-negotiable,
the elephants never cry

(not like they used to)

not into king sized kisses
not into water buildings
and I am past
my grid

show her the pain
of a dead whistle

pure veined pride

Where does your soul
go when you are sleeping
why be afraid to
close your eyes?

I wanted to be your hero
raised arms outstretched
dashing across fields of daisies

I wanted you to bed
the person I imagined
you to be,
a heartsease river
of soliloquy.

Here fair livery of word's content
escapes this ever mindful heart
which frets upon a laden lament
of sorrow's wheel pull obedient cart

As year hard-by this gated plot
seems to forget what time has not
and grasses grow soft brown and green
above hard ground and fading dreams

In Tundral rest flows glacial loss
in Northern light yields up to moss
and weeping tree eye epiphytes
that cling to life in spite this plight

- cec

there's frost growing from my fingertips like prickling moss and i can feel it stinging on my lips, the heat of my body lacks aggression, as do I, and so the cold things grow, immortalizing me in their crystalline life.

"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."

These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.

I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.

I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.

No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.

He did all of this.

I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.

Thank god for my click.

tick tock
hands spinning around a clock
tick tock
will thIs day ever stop
pushing at me
getting at me
trying to make me see...
I don't want to see...
How bored
I really am.

The compass spins
And the wind blows from all seasons,
We have just been born,
Ageless we are:

In the beginning
Entangled in eternity
Our destiny written on a star
That burned before us,
That lights worlds after us,
Out love cried out to the
Tortured Aloness and closed
The abyss filing eachother.
    
Explode!

The floodgates of my touch
Over your luminous silhouette,
Water and fire collide
Raining embers of eternity,
The present is stilled
And the fountain of reality
Stops as I take your hand;
We are the the precipices
Where sky and earth meet,
Dawn and dusk,
A spherical momentum.

The real love,
A geometric journey
As we invent new places
In eachother,
Echoes in dreams wide awake,
All points from full moons
To quarter suns,
I love you from all points,
Your diaphanous presence,
You are my world.

listening to Ne-yo
"what am I gonna do with forever now?"
how
will I breathe?    

every breath that I take
with every move I make
it's feeling more and more like I'm making the same mistakes.

because I breathe in
and I think of- of him
again

the memories
they get the best of me
**** me slowly
painfully
I ask again:
how will I breathe?

we've already established well enough that I can't see
maybe love can blind you
pain does the same but it also has more damage to do

pain targets my memories
the ones that get the best of me
tear apart the rest of me
force me to hold on and cry
lest I
forget
the good times
each and every morning's sunrise
every time I opened my eyes

to see the guy I thought
was the one for me

he and I are one
and the same

though he took all of my pain
away
every
single
day.

but every sweet and romantic kiss, every soothing touch...
it was a lie.

now all I can do is try
not to cry
I
sit and sigh
stare at the sky
wondering a simple thing
yet it is so complex indeed:

why did he come into my life and hurt me?
why didn't he just stay the hell away, and let me be?
why did I choose to let him in?
now I'm stuck with torment I can't describe-
would you like me to begin?

I mean, I
can try...

it's like having your heart ripped open then
sewing it shut
yet you still can't stop the fact that you care-
is this too much?

I mean, to care
though he is elsewhere.
yet... not so far away
because it would take me less than a day
to reach him
if I wanted to
it is something I could do.

this pain
is worse than I thought it would be
never before had I let someone this
close to me...
forever I'll be
wondering why...

I stood afraid to love you
Completely as you needed
So I kept my distance
Ensuring our romance was defeated

My reflection darkened
In your sweet eyes
By another's shadow
Such a hard compromise

In their eclipse
I felt atoms tall
I apoligize for everything
I hated feeling so small

I know now what I should have done
Taken the dive
To show you I was the one

Why do songs about lost love
Always bring to mind your face
Every wistful tune
Filling my mouth with your taste

Your memory sneaking from my radio
Making me think again
Why didn't I take a different road
Why wasn't I a better friend

My speakers filled with tunes
I could swear you wrote
Highlighting all my wrongs

Now sing me into misery
While your memory haunts me in song