Philip Le Barr,
Was knock down by a car,
On the road to Mandalay.
He was knocked down again
By a dust cart in Spain
And again in Zanzibar.
So,
He travled at night
In the pale moon light
Away from the traffic growl
But terrible luck
He was hit by a duck
Driven by an owl.

I'm not too lucky when I gamble
I lose more than I win
I would probably do better
If I tossed my money in a bin

Gambling is not just luck
It's timing and some skill
Some gamble for the fun of it
Some gamble for the thrill

To define exactly what it means
To risk money that you've earned
Means throwing out sensible thought
And not heeding what you've learned

For example, I played poker
And I lost most every cent
I lost my mortgage payment
Now, I'm living in a tent

To win it back I chose to go
And bet double at the track
The first horse that I bet on
Fell and broke his back

The second horse was scratched
I was in for a bad night
My fifth horse only had three legs
And he could just turn right

The next one had a jockey
Who's eyes were badly crossed
I won't tell you how he finished
But, I'll tell you that he lost

To gain back my small pittance
I went to the greyhound track
My first dog had a rider
A small monkey on his back

In the third race I got daring
And I bet on number three
Once the race got started
He had to stop and ***

I picked a dog in the fifth race
Just because I liked his name
It was the best one I had ever heard
"I'MBETYOU'RESORRYTHATYOUCAME"

The odds were long but what the hell
I was now gambling just for fun
Not only did he catch the rabbit
My ****** dog had won

I think I've got the secret now
I know just how to win
If I get tempted to go back and bet
I'll throw my money in the bin.

A wordsmith from way far away
Convinced the crowd he had something to say;
“My current work does not show it,
But I would be a great poet
If my words would get out of my way.”

Heading up the coast a ways
The fog wall rolling in
Couldn't make out where we're going
Much less see where we've been
It covered like a blanket
A black hole by the sea
It was like something from a movie
One that now was starring me
The road lines were invisible
As we ventured through the mist
I couldn't see a single thing
I'm sure you get the gist
We pulled off at a sign of life
A diner on the side
We figured we'd be safe here
And rest some from our ride
The hostess seemed quite startled
When we entered from the gloom
You'd have think she'd seen a spirit
As she led us through the room
"No one's out on nights like these"
"The sane folks hunker down"
"A fog like this could last for days"
We said we're from out of town
We asked about a haven
Somewhere we could get a bed
She told us of an old place
Run by a fellow known as "Red"
She made a reservation
While we were waiting for our meal
Told "Red" we'd be there rightly
He could not disguise his zeal
"Not many folks come out this way"
"At least not for the night"
"The fog here is monotonous"
"It gives most folks a fright"
You could hear the rolling thunder
of the waves upon the shore
But, beyond that you heard nothing
Not a sound came through the door
"Red' said if we were willing
He'd tell us 'bout the place
It was nautical in flavour
A real interesting space
He got our bags secured
And he came back to the fire
He said "What I'll say is all the truth'
"I'll not be called a liar"
The b and b we were now in
Was a lighthouse in years gone by
It stood upon this craggy cliff
To see that no one did not die
One hundred twenty years it stood
His family manned the light
There was always someone here to see
Sailors made it home at night
Ships were lost upon the rocks
From waves come straight from hell
The light was there to guide them
And the town had a large bell
Most times the ships weighed anchor
Stayed away and rode it out
But others, tried their mettle
They wouldn't turn the ship about
There were life boats manned and ready
To go and get survivors from the sea
I've been out many times myself
And I only saved three
The rocks and waves and currents
Take a body far from shore
if we don't get there right quickly
Then we'll n'ere see them no more
The light was a stern warning
That the rocks were looming fast
And if they didn't alter course
Then they surely wouldn't last
We asked who manned it nowadays
He said "no one at all"
It was run by automation
It all changed after the squall
A storm came in five years ago
The light was burning bright
But the snow and ice and wind
Were blocking it from sight
The boat went down without a trace
The boats were still left docked
We couldn't hear their sirens
All the boats remained here locked
They couldn't hear the fog horn
And the light would not shine though
They'd lost communication
And they took down thirty two
The government came in and said
"We have to make a change"
"We need a better lighthouse"
"One that has a longer range"
"So, they put in a new signal"
"Amped the horn and closed me out"
"I was allowed to live beneath her"
"So, I knocked a few things out"
"I opened up the "Lighthouse"
"Never thinking folks would stay"
"But, business has been steady"
"But, only on bad days"
"I've never been back to the light"
"Since they amped it up a notch"
"They took away my livelihood"
"It was a kick into my crotch"
"But, now I get a pension"
"And a few people like you"
"So, I sit here and tell stories"
"And you'll bet I know a few"
"But, now I see you're tired"
"Some advice and then good night"
"Make sure you wear the blindfolds"
"Because I can't turn out the light!!!"

There is a point we reach in life
where we lose more than we gain
be it people, money, teeth or hair
We need to treasure what remains

If it's hair that we have lost
And our scalp is now exposed
we need to deal with what is left
and make our style not look posed

Teeth, now there's a mouthful
A subject that will make me smile
I left mine on a hilltop
And they've been up there a while

Money, what is there to say
That has not been said before?
The sinking dollar and inflation
Adds me to the working poor

But family, yes I said family
More die now, we're at that age
When we attend too many funerals
Instead, no weddings take the stage

Treasure your belongings
Your teeth, money and hair
But, remember all your loved ones
One day, they won't be there

Rusty dusty pick up trucks
Old Fords and busted Chevys
Trucks that tear the road apart
And some stuck down the levy

Showing off at the truck show
All polished up and nice
When an old man in a beat up Ford
Looked us over once or twice

It don't matter how the cover looks
It's what's beneath the hood
You may look awful pretty
But, with no power...it's no good
You wanna get the ladies
Remember, it's what's beneath the hood
Although they like a real good ride
There ain't no ride, if there's no wood

I smiled and I watched the gent
Walk and laugh and smile some
He'd mumble something to the girls
And they'd follow to where he'd come

His truck, was old and battered
Wasn't tricked out like the rest
But, when it came to having girls around
This old man was the best

It don't matter how the cover looks
It's what's beneath the hood
You may look awful pretty
But, with no power...it's no good
You wanna get the ladies
Remember, it's what's beneath the hood
Although they like a real good ride
There ain't no ride, if there's no wood

A truck may last a long long time
But you've got to use it right
You've got to check the engine
And try to run it every night

I remember what the old man said
It's about what's there beneath the hood
The girls don't want it pretty
The girls, they want it good.....

It don't matter how the cover looks
It's what's beneath the hood
You may look awful pretty
But, with no power...it's no good
You wanna get the ladies
Remember, it's what's beneath the hood
Although they like a real good ride
There ain't no ride, if there's no wood

Bill always had a problem
He was just a little off
When most kids caught a cold at school
Bill, he caught a cough

He always talked out loud without
raising up his hand
He was disruptive in the library
And so, poor Bill was banned

He sang the national anthem
to the tune of "The Old Gray Mare"
and he always challenged people
by making each request "a dare"

Bill was not quite normal
He was an enigma to us all
when the kids would all play baseball
Bill would go headbutt the ball

But, Bill he was quite special
Even though he's an odd duck
Bill was full of knowledge
When the topic turned to trucks

The kids all wrote an essay
About their favorite state
But, Bill confused the teacher
By writing, "F150s...they are great"

I've got an idea, that's just too weird to be real
But, if we could get it to work, I'll let you in on the deal
It's a way to fix things, that's as easy as pie
When I say what it is, you'll just sit and cry
You won't need a mechanic when the car goes to ***
You won't need any makeup to cover that spot
The roof has a leak, don't call for repairs
The window is broke, act as though it's not there
Your tooth hurts like crazy, no dentist to call
Don't call a contractor for that crack in the wall
The baby's still crying, leave the doctor alone
The dog ate your homework, just throw him a bone
The bank just got robbed, don't call for the cops
Don't sit there just waiting for the next shoe to drop
The answer is simple, you won't believe it....I know
But if we could get it to work, our wealth sure would grow
It's a thing so **** simple, that we do in the loo
I know that we do it, and I'm sure you do too
It's a thing just as easy as lighting a candle
to make problems go ****....just jiggle the handle !
If we could apply something this simple to our problems each day
It would be so **** easy...and they'd go away
So before you go crazy, overwhelmed with the world
Just think of this answer that I have unfurled
Remember it now...just like lighting a candle
You can make them go ****...just jiggle the handle.

Why do people die?
Why do I get cold?
What makes air air?
Why do we get old?
My child asks these questions
And I don't want to look dumb
So, being a good father
I say..."Go and ask your mom"

How many is infinity?
How can birds fly?
Where do babies come from?
Why do people lie?
Sometimes I can tell them things
That I know they might believe
I don't do it all the time though
I just do it so they'll leave

Questions from the children
Make me seem quite dumb
I always tell them half truths
Then I send them to their mom
She tells them she's busy
And they come back to see me
I guess we'll learn together
I hope they can teach me

Why are clouds so puffy?
Why is water wet?
What's a kit and caboodle?
How do you place a bet?
I love it when they ask me
It shows they want to know
Exactly why things happen
And what makes most things go

What is the moon made of?
Is it really cheese?
I get questions like this daily
Why do people sneeze?
There's one that I can't answer
My daughter wants to know
When I make my morning toast
Where does my bread slice go?

Questions from the children
Make me seem quite dumb
I always tell them half truths
Then I send them to their mom
She tells them she's busy
And they come back to see me
I guess we'll learn together
I hope they can teach me

As one who's born in England
There is something I don't know
Exactly what is "cricket" ?
Please tell me so I'll go

Both teams dress in white
The bowler doesn't bowl
He doesn't bend his arm to throw
I don't understand the goal

The ball goes out it scores six runs
But it must go in the air
The ball rolls out it scores four more
Is this really fair?

The games can last for days and days
But what confuses me
Is that every game at four o'clock
The players stop for tea

A game is called a test
But is every test a game
some may last for just one day
The length is not the same

There's a throw they call a googly
I know what that means
I got hit there playing hockey
It ***** your breath so you can't scream

There's wickets and there's bails
mid slips, and those silly stumps
I'm sure that if it confuses me
What does it do to umps?

The biggest question that I have
Besides, what's a sticky wicket?
Is of all the players on the field
Which one of them's the cricket?

Letter to My Lawyers.

Being of sound mind and body...

To whom should I leave my teeth
Which person do I love
Enough, to leave my smile to
When I'm dead and up above

My grandson will get my glass eye
When my life is at an end
I'd imagine I could see him
playing marbles with his friends

My artificial knee cap
I'll leave to my younger sister May
She can have it in her living room
As a brand new candy tray

I think I'll leave my hearing aids
To the woman up the road
They don't work too well anyways
And in truth, the cow's a toad!!

The breast implants that I have got
Are old, and slightly mottled
But, I'll leave them to the nursing home
As two hot water bottles

All my unused catheters, to the pet store
that's my wish
They can use them in aquariums
Pumping air for all their fish

This is my will and testament
It's my National Health Care list
These bits of me are all I own
There might be some things that I missed

My artificial hip joint
I'll give to the fellow down the lane
He can clean it up a little bit
And there's a topper for his cane

Anything else that I forgot
That is still good, I want to go
To someone who might need it
Make it someone that I know

One last thing I ask now
my support hose, goes to Jack
He always wanted a nice hammock
To swing in out the back!!!

Every kiss begins with Kay..
Kay must be real easy!!!

Cases of old records sat
Waiting for someone to buy
Along with mismatched tea cups
And plates as blue as sky

Vultures jumped at everything
Leaving cars running in park
Picking through the yard sale scraps
Like a raccoon in the dark

Bickering for savings
Saying a quarter is too much
I'll only pay a nickel
To buy a broken crutch

Ice skates, ball gloves, baseball hats
tossed and thrown around the yard
To watch these jackals fighting
Over a half pound piece of lard

It's amazing that one's treasures
Are reduced to blobs of crap
By bargain hunters set to pay
For unused Christmas wrap

They jostle and they tussle
To get close for a deal
They try to bundle things together
To them....it is a steal

You smile, take their money
Tell them thank you, as they shriek
Over deals they think that they have got
On stuff...they'll sell next week!!