We can fight like holy demons
And in the end, nobody won
You ain't telling me we're over
I'll tell you when we're done

Just because we fight a bit
We argue and we cuss
I ain't set to call us done
There's time still left in us

I ain't going nowhere
I ain't jumpin' off that ridge
I ain't movin' out on you
While there's beer left in the fridge

I'll tell you when we're finished
Though we argue just a smidge
I ain't going nowhere
While there's beer left in the fridge

Sure, I done my cheating
But I kept my fingers crossed
I know that if I kept in on
My ring would not be lost

So I go and party
But I always come back home
It may take me a couple days
But, I know where I belong

I ain't going nowhere
I ain't jumpin' off that ridge
I ain't movin' out on you
While there's beer left in the fridge

I'll tell you when we're finished
Though we argue just a smidge
I ain't going nowhere
While there's beer left in the fridge

We always talk it over
Once they let me out of jail
I know that you still love me
Or you'd not have paid my bail

There's time for us to make up
And there's time for us to fight
So, three more beer or so
And we'll see which will be tonight

I ain't going nowhere
I ain't jumpin' off that ridge
I ain't movin' out on you
While there's beer left in the fridge

I'll tell you when we're finished
Though we argue just a smidge
I ain't going nowhere
While there's beer left in the fridge

Time to meet the family
At least, that's what I heard
But, she asked me when the game was on
So, I didn't catch a word

We'd be heading out a week from now
Back where it all began
To meet the wife's whole family
every woman, every man

When she said she was from the hills
I didn't ask her where
But, once he started on our way
I was always looking out for bear

They lived way up in the wooded parts
Off the road, you couldn't see
I didn't see just where they were
But, I felt them watching me

We pulled on up and there they were
They made the Clampett clan look good
Eighteen folks all standing there
and two were chewing wood

The one's I thought to be her folks
Were her sister and a dog
The one that cozied up to me
Had a leash walking a hog

There was hugging and some kissing
Lots of tangled beards and hair
Then they stood and looked at me
With that mountain kind of stare

you know the one, deliverance like
where you wonder flee or flight
It was just then that I wondered
If I'd make it through the night

Her ma came up and spun me round
slapped my ***, and said "he'll do"
I wasn't sure if that was good
And I would end up in a stew

A bearded one came over,
shook my hand, and said his name was Clem
He said that mama liked me
Now, I was one of them

they was fixing to go hunting
Which was something new to me
The last time I went hunting
I shot a canoe and a tree

They said that they were hunting
The most elusive mountain prey
I was gonna hunt for ginseng
And if we found some it would pay

First, though, time to have some drinks
Eat some greasy, stinky meal
I think it was a possum
But, it might have been an eel

They said we'd get a good night's sleep
And they started howling at the moon
Time to hit the sack they said
Hunting time is coming soon

My Appalachian in-laws
Made my sphincter close up tight
They had 14 teeth between them
And I don't think one of them could write

We hit the trail next morning
It felt like miles up that hill
I thought that I was dieing
And I hadn't left a will

A sound was heard, a gentle coo
And we was running, in our boots
Clem was out in front of us
And he'd discovered ginseng roots

I picked them up, all scraggly
Like a parsnip,  dried and dead
When a holler came from brother Boo
A monster known as Red

His beard was black as coal could be
His eyes looked at each other
They called him Red not for his hair
Just 'cause he liked the color

They filled the bags with what they found
And back down the hill they went
I thought that this was insanely mad
And then Clem got a scent

Someone else was on this hill
Out hunting Appalachian gold
That's not what I would call it
But, I just call things as I'm told

We found the truck and sped away
To get paid for the days find
We had to make sure all were there
And that we left no one behind

The gun shop and the bar and grill
Was where we would get paid
Thirteen hundred bucks a pound
Almost three grand had we made

We went back with the cash in hand
Howling at whatever we saw
I guess that I'm now one of them
An Appalachian outlaw in-law

Black and White, Coloured
It doesn't seem to matter
Technicolour, Sensoround
Made the audio much fatter
Shaking seats, scented mists
Make most patrons go scatter
To me, it's still a movie show
And entertainment's all that matters

With technological intracies
That boggle one mans mind
there are movies being made today
With images refined
Clarity and texture match
and a green screen there behind
CGI is god today
And so...it was designed

Today, I pushed the envelope
Moving dimensions one more out
I've seen 2D and 3D films
This one made me shout
In the middle of the first scene
It felt so real without a doubt
That I had to take my glasses off
This new dimension....I must tout

Even with my glasses off
It seemed so real to me
I've never seen a film like this
Not even in 3D
A mystical intrusion
And my senses were set free
Then my wife leaned over silent like
And this she said to me....

"Sit still....shut up....it's a play you idiot!"

It's time to get new glasses
I can't see right when I read
A stronger pair of readers
That's exactly what I need
I just rented a movie
I was appalled at what was on
I was getting ready for an epic
But, boy, was I wrong
I wanted to be enlightened
To watch a film that touched my heart
But, I knew from the first scene
That I was wrong right from the start
I need to get new glasses
It will make it easier to see
And from the mistake with this old movie
It will save embarrassment to me
I wanted rabbis and bah mitzvahs
And the Torah and good news
but, I got a **** shark movie
Not one about the JEWS!!

I read a comment from a friend today
She said she liked my note
It was a poem about 4 certain words
A quick one that I wrote
She said she liked Old Fairy Stories
I didn't have a clue
Was she talking gay old pooftahs
Or just fairies dressed in blue
Liberace, Quentin Crisp
Have lots of tales to tell
But, was she speaking of these fairies
Or of ones that cast a spell ?
I wasn't sure of whom she spoke
Which fairy tales she liked
Was she a big fan of Tinkerbell
Or of big, princesses named Mike?
So, I figure I'll just wait and see
I'll write one for Eileen
It'll be the strangest Fairy Tale
That she has ever seen...
Once Upon a time.......

If abortion was retroactive
How many folks would be gone
If parents could choose a do over ?

I woke up in a stranger's bed
I'm not quite sure whose
I just know it was a woman
By looking at her shoes

When I woke up she was long gone
Her note said "Thank you for the night"
But, hell, I don't remember getting here
Something ain't quite right

How did I get so messed up
What the hell did I consume?
What made this girl...a 2 at ten
Into a ten at 2
I gotta know what did I drink
What the hell did I consume
What made this girl...a 2 at ten
Into a ten at two

I went out to the kitchen
grabbed a coffee and some toast
I couldn't quite remember her
Though I do remember most

I left after a shower
Saw no pictures round the place
As hard as I tried thinking
I could not recall her face

How did I get so messed up
What the hell did I consume?
What made this girl...a 2 at ten
Into a ten at 2
I gotta know what did I drink
What the hell did I consume
What made this girl...a 2 at ten
Into a ten at two



I felt just like a hound dog
When I left through her front door
I just didn't like the feeling
I don't want to feel like that no more

Tonight I'll pick another bar
So I don't see you know who
Just what the hell was this boy drinking
And what exactly did I do?


How did I get so messed up
What the hell did I consume?
What made this girl...a 2 at ten
Into a ten at 2
I gotta know what did I drink
What the hell did I consume
What made this girl...a 2 at ten
Into a ten at two

There is falling
and there's FALLING
and I was good at both
I swear to that completely
I'll swear that under oath
If there's a way to take a tumble
A way to fall on down
Then I'm the best example
I've spent a life time on the ground

First, we'll tackle skating
Couldn't cross and make the turn
I'd get caught and then I'd tumble
It's something I never did quite learn
I was always out there falling
While the others skated by
I could never make the motion
So...I no longer even try

Athletics, you know track and field
High hurdles, running track
It's evident, I couldn't jump
So from track I got the sack
Always had weak ankles
Was always falling down
While most kids shorts were crisp and white
Mine were stained all green and brown

I gave up and then tried camping
Just a tent, the woods and me
I never even got out once
I tripped over a tree
I mean, I fell out in the forest
And yes, I made a sound
I mean if anybody heard that noise
It was me hitting the ground

I'm not much good at anything
You can see that from my past
My body moves  at one speed
My feet just go too fast
I've always been a faller
Falling's the one real thing I do
And the last time that I fell
Was the day, that I met you....

Well, I've been working out
With my doctor's written blessing
I had to make a real big change
I was having trouble dressing
He said to take it slowly
Try walking then move on from that
So, I did as he suggested
And you know, I still feel fat
I walked on past McDonalds
On past Wendy's , Burger King
I walked right up to Dairy Queen
You know, there's something in this thing
I hid all my remote controls
Now I get off from the couch
I WALK the ...oh say, 'bout 5 feet
see...I'm no longer a couch  slouch
I looked into the mirror
About three weeks into this
And although I'm not impressive
I'm sure something was amiss
I looked down at my stomach
Where I thought my abs should be
And you know, I saw a dent
Yes a dent, looking back at me
Why the hell's a dent down there
I called and asked the doc
He said keep doing what you're doing
You'll get a stomach like a rock
I said, 'I want muscles....doc"
I want those abs of steel
He said it will not happen overnight
Just think how good you feel
I thought, you know he's got it
I felt better with my dent
I guess maybe this doctor
and his ideas were heaven sent
I went back to the mirror
You know...I was feeling rather fine
But, beside my new found dent..
I looked and saw a line
A line, a ****** line
Is this good or is it bad
In two days I've found two body marks
That in my life I'd never had
I eat the things I'm told to
I've added holes to all my belts
I've added dents and lines and marks
And I'm looking rather svelte
It only took persistence
Just one step to get on board
It's nerve wracking getting healthy
I hope I make it ...praise the lord.

Two instructors of philosophy
sat down and started talking
their conversation was in depth
and so, they ceased their walking
the topic that these men discussed
had each on different sides
and the gap that formed between them
was miles and miles wide

"I swear you haven't got a clue"
"You just don't want to hear"
"The world is round as round can be"
"It's shaped just like a sphere"

"You idiot, you do not know"
"Just look, the world is flat"
"The world has got four edges"
"And that my friend is that!"

"You can not mean that in this world"
"There's an edge that is the end"
"That is right dear sir"
"The land just does not bend"

"You can sit and tell me that"
"and still keep a straight face"
"What keeps people grounded"
"and stops them shooting into space"

"the fact, that land is flat my friend"
"is a plain as plain can be"
"have you ever seen a waterfall?"
"have you tried to bend a tree?"

"Dear sir, sit down and listen close"
"and look up at the sun"
"it has just two dimensions"
"it needs another one"

"The sun is flat as well dear sir,"
"It just hangs up in the sky"
"It has a front, the moon's the back"
"you can see it if you try"

"Have you seen this new invention"
he asked, opening his robe
"It's a 3d model of the earth"
"my friend, it's called a globe"

"the world is flat, it is not round"
"it has depth, and width, that's all"
"you see the corners of the earth"
"it's not shaped like a ball"

"If you hold a pebble, to your head"
"and drop it down"
"does it fly away in space?"
"no, it drops on to the ground"

"a mountain range....inflexible"
"Like your mind, my learned friend"
"If you travel off, at some point sir"
"you will surely hit the end"

"the only end needs hitting here"
"Is the one upon your neck"
"to knock some **** sense into you"
"you're a closed myopic wreck"

"water doesn't bend a bit"
"it would not make your point true"
"it doesn't have to bend dear sir"
"it's a concept that is new"

"next you will tell me"
"there's a force we can not see"
"that keeps us all here grounded"
"and pulls the apples from the tree"

"I'm not sure of that one sir"
"but as sure as there is sound"
"the sun revolves around us"
"and that makes the world round"

"do you ever see it moving"
"back to where it came"
"of course not, it's in motion"
"it's called an orbit, that's it's name"

"I'm not sure if we go round"
"of if we are sitting still"
"but one day we will find it out"
"I'm certain, that we will"

"Arguing this point with you"
"about a round world or one flat"
"will continue on in circles"
"That's where my world is at"

"we will not be in agreement"
"as to which of us is right"
"we will never see the moon sun change"
"if we both sit here all night"

"we will have to let the prophets"
"in the future prove us wrong"
"and now sir, it is supper"
"and we both should move along"

Gilhooley had ordered a meeting
Everyone had to come round
St. Patricks day will be upon us
And a venue just has to be found

We have to find somewhere authentic
Our normal old pub just won't do
We can't celebrate with the punters
Where the beer isn't green, it's dyed blue

Gilhooley awaited suggestions
It had to be somewhere close by
There were all sorts of names on the table
So they decided to give them a try

It needed to be "somewhat old Irish"
with no dee jay, and a folky type band
they had to have red headed women
And a barman, with drinks poured and at hand

The first place they went was McKenna's
It seemed like a great place at first
but the service was slower than treacle
and a man would just die here of thirst

They found one that looked rather Irish
It was known as the new *** of gold
it had a rainbow outside on the awning
this should have been a warning fortold

the next one they tried was a classic
The green and gold tavern....a hit
but, it was booked on the day for a party
and this didn't please them one bit

they finally found one to their liking
full of guineess and pretty colleens
a punjabi bar by the  name of  ben doury's
where everything was curried and green

it was a party that no one remembered
that meant that it must have been good
nobody went to the jailhouse
even though three or four of them should

The beer and the curry were epic
the singing was like nothing we'd heard
a sitar and cymbal based trio
played so loud that nothing was heard

Gilhooley said next year we have to
come back here and do it again
It was the best St. Patty's ever
most of them passed out by ten

The next time you go out to party
call Ben Doury, the place is  spot on
the food and the beer are one colour
with a Punjabi Mumbai Leprachaun

The old lady planted roses near the corner by the driveway
She never planted roses by the door
I remember once she told me, "Bees come out to get the nectar"
And a bee sting can be deadly or quite sore
Instead, she planted herbs along the walkway to her cottage
You'd pass by, the scent was rather nice
Rubbing rosemary and lemon grass and sage against your trousers
Sometimes you would even walk by twice

She had hollyhocks and primrose, a classic English garden
Lots of fragrant trees and bushes there as well
There were cedars by the windows and hyacinth close by
If she even had a lawn, you couldn't tell
There were irises and tulips, daffodils and more
And great bushes of white lavender abound
Not only was the lawn gone, with the bushes and the trees
I bet from inside you'd nary hear a sound

Around the back the same thing, exactly as the front
Herbs and plant life, and I'd say maybe more
Than all the plants in Englands  Kew Gardens have to see
And more lilacs by the walkway by the door
The vents from down the basement blew through cedars and the lilacs
Sending warming scents around the clustered yard
There were windows to the basement, blocked by flowers and the trees
And to see in was really rather hard

The one day I remember when I came out to the house
Is one I know I'll not forget
For walking down the pathway with a policeman on each side
Was the old lady with a look of deep regret
It seems the scented flowers and the bushes and the trees
Provided scents to hide the smells from deep inside
The air was vented out directly through the flowers
The house was just a grow op in disguise

I've had enough of winter
I've had enough of snow
I handle freezing weather
Just like an eskimo

My snowblower is finished
It's blown more than it should
It's blown more snow this winter
Than the whole **** neighborhood

Spring....when the hell you coming?
When will you be here?
I'll close my eyes and I might miss you
That is my biggest fear

Last summer we set records
With the **** oppressive heat
We did the same with snow this winter
We had nearly 7 feet!!

I saw some grass last Tuesday
But, by Wednesday it was lost
Buried by a fresh snow dumping
Preceeded by a sudden frost

The sidewalk plow has torn up
Ninety square feet of my lawn
I won't find all of the damage
Until all the snow is gone

I promise that next summer
I will not once complain
Because I'd rather have the heat way up
Than shovel snow...or pump out rain

Spring...when are you coming?
When will you be here?
I'll sleep with one eye open
So, I'll be up when you appear!!!