I can honestly say I am disgusted

I cannot tell a lie
And I will not lie back
To watch you *deny the truth
I never really loved you
I only ever felt affection
For all the abuse
That I knew I deserved
You may think it absurd
But how could I possibly
Love someone else
When I have yet to learn
How to love myself?
Or even live with myself?

Show a smile based on a lie,
Or a frown based on the truth,
Which would you prefer?
I'd like to smile
Once in a while
But I cannot tell a lie
And I will not lie back
To watch the truth die
In the soulless eyes
I see in my mirror
That girl whispers to me
But I cannot hear her
So she fades away
Silently

Yet, I know
This cannot be my destiny
Lies of smiles
Truths of frowns
It's bringing me down
I could think of a million lies
But only six eyes
To help me smile
More than just
Once in awhile
I cannot tell a lie
And I will not lie back
To watch you steal my smiles
My truths
My everything

I will stare in your eyes
While you spout all your lies
And watch you crumble
And Fall
While I smile
Standing tall
Staring down at your frown
Wishing you knew the truth
That I cannot tell a lie
And **I never really loved you

waking up was hard this morning.
hearing my alarm instead of the ringtone,
that I set for you.
it was rough getting out of bed,
when I didn't have you to get up to.
the loneliness is almost too much to handle,
but I do it, for you, for us.
I don't want to think of you,
giving another what you give to me.
so I endure the depression, loneliness
all for the fantasy of us.

"The problem with suicide is that when it becomes an option in your mind, it's always an option."

-

I’m in a new city at a club close to your office,  
sitting at a table, wondering what you will think of me
The bar is crowded, happy hour is in full swing
but basically a blur to me as I watch the front door intently,  
every person entering makes my heart skip a nervous beat

I check my watch, again…5:16
It should be any moment now, I hope
Another sip of my drink, my second this afternoon,
needing a third I think, maybe not when the door opens,
I see you walk in, I think it’s you

Gorgeous brown eyes scan the place
as I wave slightly hoping you see, recognize me
You do and I stand clumsily almost spilling my glass
I can’t contain my smile as yours illuminates the room,
you are more beautiful than the photos

A thousand frantic butterflies invade my stomach
and my knees feel weak, it is finally happening  
I smooth my hair with my hand, a stupid habit
Moving towards you, I can’t stop staring, you are so beautiful
Time has switched to slow motion

So long I have waited for this, so very long
to meet you in person, gaze into your eyes,
touch you and know you are real
I weave through the partying patrons
and reaching you I say “Hi.”

Hi? I had this perfect dialogue planned,
It was so romantic and all I can get out is hi? How pathetic is that?
I wait what seems like forever for your response
You reply “Hi.” It is the sweetest sound I have ever heard,
as the place now has gone quiet to me except for your voice

“I have a table over here,” and sweating like a high school kid
on his first prom, I lead you to our seats
I am still staring, I can’t stop “Can I get you something?”
You take my hand and whisper, “ I have everything I need now”
I melt right where I sit and realize, I am falling in love all over again…

That Smell  
Lynyrd Skynyrd
For Courts Music Challenge


The stench it fills the nocturne air
Of wicked thoughts and fevered chains
With needles polished none to share
In search of risen stoic veins

To seep within the bloodstream deep
And paint a picture filled with lies
Now drains what sanity you keep
On roadmaps built of bloodshot eyes

This strength you take from solaced fear
Where chemicals now come to play
A weakness coincides your tears
As every moment fades away

Back alley streets of littered death
When life it bids a dark farewell
Oh how the banishment of breath
And echoes crying oh that smell

What is pathetic?

You know, it’s like when the
forecast calls for rain
and puddles form in your eyes
because rivers flowing
against the current
cause your heart to break
like that thin layer of ice
that seems so sturdy
but is only as weak
as that first step you take
backwards away from the opening
revealing a frigid stare
you’ve seen before,
the last time you saw yourself
as she does now…

Yeah, it’s just like that

A lonely morning
Rain fed and darkness
Slick highways
And laughing traffic lights
Colorful and happy they seem
Splashing in puddles
Wipers hypnotize me
Back and forth
Smearing my vision
As I drive, drive, drive

Our song on repeat
Over and over again
Sometimes it makes me smile
Most times it sings me pain
Accelerating through the intersection
Wishing, I’m not sure what I’m wishing
It is just so hard to believe
We were us, you and me
And now empty lanes go on forever
Just as we were supposed to

I should forget, I can’t forget
My heart will not let me
Turning corners is for others
Those who have a direction,
A passenger to share the ride
Seal belts buckled, holding tight
Hands across consoles
Love on every city street
Finding the perfect parking spot
As I drive circles around
What we used to be

A lonely morning
Rain fed and darkness
And a drive in
That used to bring me to you
Now leads nowhere
Anymore

I looked up at the moon this morning
The sky was hazy, I could just barely see
its very faint glow through the clouds
It appeared sad to me
So I asked, “Why so sad Mr. Moon?”
It replied, “Because I am up here all alone
I have no life, no happiness and no one to love me”
Then it asked, “Why are you so sad Mr. Chris?”
I looked around my hazy world, my heart was
clouded with barely a glow,
then answered, “Because I am you Mr. Moon”

Never,
will I meet her
Never,
see her smile
Never,
hold her in my arms
for just a little while

Never,
will I kiss her
Never,
touch her skin
Never gaze into her eyes
and feel the love within

Never,
wil I hold her hand
Never,
smell her hair
Never,
whisper in her ear
how much I truly care

Never,
will it happen
Never,
it shall be
Forever,
I will just sit here,
this hollow shell of me