Lately my words are lazy
Like my two languorous
Felines whose sleep
Is simply a subtler
Form of movement.
My words lie dreaming
Of running. Their paws
And whiskers quiver
Perhaps in the midst
Of a chase. They’re
Warm from the sun
On their bellies, turned
Upwards, refusing
To stand in a line of
Neatly aligned metaphors.
Dirt-simple and soft.
My words turned quiet
And mellow, no longer
Hungry storms of ice.
They’ve shaken the
Rain off their coats
And smell of blooms.
Their nails are long
And unused.
Contraptions for a war
Drowned out by the
Overgrown grass.
If birds flock to branches
Twittering, they merely
Roll on their back, turning
A blind eye full of sleep.
An excess of love
Has spoiled them.
Gracefully obese, they feed
Off the platters laid down
At regular intervals
Recalling the hunt as
A bygone era of
Needless toil.

I come to paint rainbows
upon your heart of
depression . . .

To turn your lips into emerald coast isles

Where light bleaches away the dark
and purifies the sand between your souls

Let me caress new feathers
of flight
that provides the freedom to soar in the winds from
distant shores

Where every breath is
a possibility of dreams come true

Bright yellows and greens
Orange and teals
As you walk the edge
between red and blue
and bleed royal purple
for those to see
who always weighed
their anchors of doubt
in your sea of despair

Sometimes, when stillness of the heart
is not enough, mind extends to landscape
unbounded and floats like a helium balloon
in the depth of sky.

It begins with streaks of light, the naming
of trees, ponds open like black blossoms,
misted lakes, the sea placing its many fingers
on the endless revels of gold bays.

The road may be mossy and slippery
as old stones ; rows of summer
swallows may rise from random wires.
As mountain strider or keeper of forests,
let love lead me south to warm nights
where stars burn through clouds.

Let the voyage end in tender words,
perhaps a clasp or a kiss. Let the faithful
ebb and flow of time join the fragments
of me in exile from myself.

I walk around these places
Trans-centric spaces
Yet I don't feel like I belong
I know that
I look like them
And based on my reading
I feel like them too
Though I still have this sense
That I somehow do not count
I am not quite enough
I feel without a place
Maybe because last time
I was at a trans art show
And my art lives in words
Not in images on canvas
Just another piece of me
That doesn't quite feel
Real enough or
Good enough
To be taken seriously
And I know
I know
This all boils down to
The way I treat myself
But I'm trying
I'm trying
Some things just take time

If my younger self were still around
I wonder what they'd think of me
I can't help but think that
They'd be confused
They wouldn't recognize me as theirself
I'd be just another burnt out adult
Scary and unable to epathize
Enough to really understand me
I imagine I'd feel alone and anxious
Staring at this strange reflection
A mutated image
Warped in the rings of teardrops
That stain this puddle under my feet
Where did the curiosity go?
What about the intense emotions?
Any emotions really
I think I'd be afraid
To come face to face with
The future that is my present day

I know that there's so many things
Positive features of this life
That I never could have imagined then
I am still living and breathing
Taking care of myself
Loving and being loved so deeply
I didn't think I'd see 18
Let alone 23
And yet
I can't help but believe
That all the experiences that led me here
Would scare younger me
Enough to change my story
Because there were so many times
I wanted to
And sometimes
I still do

But I know I'm still growing
And there's still time for me
To learn who I am
To celebrate my flaws and strengths
To love myself wholeheartedly
To simply be me
It's just hard sometimes

I wonder if cats have self esteem
And if so
Is their self worth as fragile as ours?
Do they develop that voice inside
That feeds them lies
About whether or not they're good enough?
Do they question why they were born
With long hair instead of short?
Or get self conscious about a broken tail?
Do they wish they had better owners?
Or that their owners understood them better?
Are they sensitive about their weight?
Or the length of their claws?
Do they wish they had soft orange hair
Instead of plush black fur?
Or do they love themselves entirely?
Understanding that they matter and that
Their worth isn't defined by other people?
Do they just live their lives fully
Paying no mind to anyone's judgement?
Are they happy with themselves?
Why aren't we?

Anything brighter than the darkness
Can feel like the warmest light
For half your days in half your life
You were entombed in the night
The other half felt better
Like a breath of fresh air
Although the sadness still choked you
It felt easier there
There were still pitch black moments
Though you claimed you just blinked
You couldn't acknowledge the truth
Otherwise into despair you would sink
Many years have since gone
Many spent feeling alone and distressed
Until suddenly everything went grey
You even stopped feeling depressed
What once held positive memories
Then simply displayed a blank screen
An empty, monotone canvas
You asked "What does it mean?"
Do you think now of the phrase
About not seeking out truth
Until you're truly ready for answers?
As you stare into the face of your lost youth?
Because while you did have a place
Where light shone much more often
You didn't realize how many parts of care
Were still being forgotten
You had food and peace at times
You had shelter and space too
What you didn't have was emotional safety
Or a support system to talk to
Yes, you got to go to therapy
And that helped open a door
Yet you never even questioned why
She knew of the abuse and didn't do more
There were still so many broken promises
You still had to be strong
There were so many ways out
It went on far too long
Someone should have done more for you
To protect and give you care
To let you have emotions and feel safe
But they didn't and that's unfair
You deserved love, respect, and kindness
And every day you still do
I know I couldn't make the loneliness leave then
But now I will always be here for you