i’ve been thinking a lot
about your hand in mine
the way that our fingers
and palms intertwine

but i think about death
about loss, about worth
i admit that i fear
to return to the earth

where our bodies dissolve
into roots of a tree
and will grow into trunk
then limb, then leaf

but i've heard from a bird
that death will reverse
and your heart will beat hard
like it did at your birth

so hold on for dear life
with your hand in mine
if death makes us let go
it is only for time



© Mike Mortensen

No one else has ever felt this,
And at the same time, I know everyone has.
I'm so far away from home and it's lonely.
But tonight as we drove home,
You fell asleep on me and I couldn't help but
Think of how much I love your hands.
Is that weird?
Your hands are so familiar,
They have a piece of home in them,
And when I hold them.
The loneliness goes away.

Believe me when I say that I never intended for any of this to happen.
What I mean to say is,
back when we first started seeing each other,
and you waited 30 minutes before responding to my texts and
I got nervous speaking to you ,
I couldn’t picture any of this happening.

Perhaps I could have imagined us kissing in some restaurant, or maybe even holding hands in line at the movie theatre, but the rest of it? Well, that I could not have imagined.

I guess at this point it’s embarrassing, right? Not embarrassing like when I think I start work at 6 but I actually start at 5 and I run in an hour late and everyone stares at me.
It doesn’t make me red in the face or anything like that.
It’s just humiliating.
I know the way I sound when I talk about you: silly, young, a character from a Sarah Dessen novel, but mostly like someone I would make fun of. That’s the thing that embarrasses me the most — that this thing has turned me into someone else.
It’s that other person  
that needy, grabby salesman of a person
that you don’t like, right? Is that the thing you can't stand about me?
That neediness?
That itchiness?
The way I look at you, the way I change my plans for you?
How did I become one of those girls who work at a department store and follow you from rack to rack.
“Do you need anything?”
“Can I help you with anything?”
“Is there anything in particular today that you’re looking for?”
If I cared less, would you care more? At first I was going to ask
“would you care at all,”
but that’s not right, is it? You care about me, you do.
You value me.
Probably. I mean, if someone asked you if you value me, you would say yes.
You just don’t actively value me. It seems like that wouldn’t make a difference, but it makes a huge difference.

I’ve manicured my hands and
dyed my hair and
perfumed my skin for you and, the whole while, I’ve told myself that it would make you want me.

I’ve made sure I was the funniest in the room, the wittiest in the conversation, convincing myself that it would make you change your mind.
It should be noted that these are precisely the kind of facts that humiliate me.
It didn’t work.
None of it worked.
Isn’t that funny?
I mean, not ha-ha-funny, but you have to admit
there is something laugh-worthy about it.

I mean, I once spent the whole day getting my hair cut and blown out because you said you thought Id be too brown for red hair so I went and got something that would work.

Because I wanted a change but I needed to accommodate to you.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

I have told you so much, but there are pieces I have learned to keep hidden from you over these few months.
Perhaps, these are the parts I will eventually learn to compartmentalize and keep hidden from myself,
as well.

It’s no question in my mind:
When a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, it does not make a sound, it did not fall.

I don’t move on well.

I sit in a box labeled “Past Things.”

One of those boxes that you shove in the attic or basement and you keep your childhood dolls and high school awards in it.

I do not know why this is.

Maybe I don’t want to move on.

Do you think that’s it?

I’m sorry; that’s an unfair question, isn’t it?
Well, while I’m at it, can I ask more unfair questions?
Is there anything I can do?
I can be more honest or less harsh or less anxious or more quiet.
Do you like quiet girls? I could be a quiet girl.

Yes, I could certainly be one of those quiet girls.
Just tell me what to do it and I’ll do it.
I’m sorry.
I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
The thing you don’t like about me isn’t my hair color or my laugh that’s a bit too loud or anything like that.

It’s the questions and neediness. It's that isn't it?

Are you in love with your depression?

Because I sure am with mine. My life
Is a sunny day and ice water right now.
Yet I still see clouds touching the mountains.

I wonder what brought me to jump at every crack
On the sidewalk.

So I trace my steps back and reopen every healed scar along the way,
And laugh at the lies I told myself about life being okay.

I wonder how I got here, laying next to a 6'4" beautiful giant who is in love with me,

And I wonder if I love him for him or if I love him for loving me.

I can't ruin it this time.

Dear Poem,

    We talk everyday, you know me by many names. But we are beyond names. You know me as a person. You understand me and when I am in need of guidance you are  quick to point out my flaws and lead me back to the straight and narrow. You never let me forget. Sometimes I may have turned a blind eye to you for this simple fact but in the end I realize the importance of remembering.

     You are intelligent, you grow with me. But always a few steps ahead. You drive me farther with every dialogue that's shared between us. As if to coach me along in life and say, "life is not a box of chocolates but the bond that the box of chocolates represents" you say things that bring revelations that change my life. I love hurt feel pain and happiness everyday and you are there to take in all the pressures I have built up.

     I have no doubt that the pen in my hand and the paper beneath my palm is only the effect, caused by our interaction. It's this interaction that I am eternally grateful for. And for as long as you are there for me, I will be there for you. And you will not fade away.

      With love,
      Me.

You are
The first delicate ray of sunshine
On a dreary Novembers’ day

You are
The pounding rush of adrenaline
Felt at a concert barrier

You are
The reassuring smile
Treasured in the midst of calamity

You are
The warm woollen blanket
Wrapped round my shoulders at night

You are
The butterflies found inside me
At the peak of a roller coaster

You are
The first birdsong
At the end of a sleepless night

You are
Every beauty in this world
To me.

I have strong feelings for you.
I wish to never fall in love with anyone else.
Your personality is one of a kind, even if you blow up on me at times.
I know you have felt insecure and had problems falling in love again, since you have been broken once.
But give me your heart and I'll cherish it with all my might.
I fell in love with you since day one, you were a special girl, I knew.
I wouldn't be able to find someone else like you... I wouldn't want someone besides you.
We argue but its part of a relationship.. We can just grow stronger from it.
You're so perfect, even though you don't see it. You're so beautiful, I love seeing your eyes, they always give me a feeling that I can't describe.
I wish to always be there for you like you are. I love the fact that youre mine and fight for us.
You're amazing, adorable, my princess

Dear You,

You are divine. You are so sweet and precious, if only you knew what it’s like to witness you laughing like nothing else matters but the nice tingling joy swelling inside of your being. Your joy is contagious and it ignites warmth in my heart.

You are remarkable. The pure resonance in your voice meets an angel’s when you speak from your heart. I love the sound of your truth. I love the sound of what you like to share about yourself. And when you feel shy or a bit ashamed of what you speak of in front of others, I still think you’re great, because you’ve got the guts to try.

You’re beautiful too. You’re beautiful when you know it and you are beautiful when you don’t know it. I love it when you know it because you smile a lot more. Your smile is one of the most beautiful things about you. Your nose crinkles and your eyes squint and your teeth are exposed. You look so vulnerable and strong at the same time, it’s mesmerizing.

Also, you are mighty talented! When you do something you love to do, you are creating bits of unique love and sending them into the universe for everyone to enjoy. Your creations are brilliant, because you made something that has never been made before. That’s amazing! Your passions guide you and help you grow in such fantastic ways. When you doubt yourself, you’re pulling away from enjoying yourself. There is so much to enjoy about you! Everything you’ve created has you in it, isn’t that spectacular?

And it’s okay to deny all of these things about yourself, because that’s a very human thing to do. If we didn’t know what it felt like to fail, then we wouldn’t even understand the feeling of success, nor would we try to achieve it. It’s funny though, because you are always succeeding, just by being you! You are even succeeding when you think you’re failing because you’re trying and you’re breathing and you’re living. You are so complete and self-sufficient, even when you forget that you are. You are a whole, unique human with whole, unique thoughts and feelings. You get to be a part of this world and share such sincerely beautiful, wise and joyous things that have the ability to inspire other people and help them heal! Wow. You can help others heal. You can help others create. You can help others grow. Just by being who you are.

It’s mind-blowing really.

A kiss just a kiss until you
   Find the one you love,
A hug is just a hug until
you find the one you're
   always thinking of.

A dream is just a dream
   Until it comes true,

Love was just a word until
   they day I met you.

i’ve never known
something so fragile

i hold whatever this is
(you and i)
carefully,
with both hands

like glass,
it could shatter

the pieces
scattered

while i tiptoe
around the sharp fragments

trying to not let them
hurt me

like snow,
it melts

when the sun
comes up

to heat
the ground

and every time
i wish it’d stay

i hope my heart
will not become
like broken glass

i hope,
unlike snow
on a warm winter day,
you will decide
to never leave me

Petals flew through the wind
among the overcrowded
morning sky.

Patches of clouds splashed
onto the canvas
that’s my sky.

A seemingly perfect picture
really broken pieces
of glass shards.