let it take you

i cried on the edge of the bed and you sat there
later taking me into your arms i pushed you away
i felt like i was screaming but i don;t know if you could even hear me
i was screaming on the inside, rather
screaming at myself

you grabbed me and hugged me and i felt on fire and so cold
i didn't feel at all.


let it take you

i couldve controlled myself and deep breathed but i was too
tired to control it so
here we were.
i cant help feeling like i did that to diffuse or if i did that to implode for once in a long while.

i sort of missed the screaming
at least i was honest with myself.

and then you finally reached into the turbulent waters and grabbed me from my sea of grey numbness. i felt warm in the dark and you followed me to the bathroom, i still felt on autopilot and you held me and i felt your chest shake like you were crying
but the lights were off and i couldn't tell.

i never wanted you to have to see me like that but it's happened too many times now and i still feel like im never there for you when you fall .  i want your vulnerbility in front of me so i can show you how much i love you. i want honesty in emotions and i want to know how you feel all of the time
i promise it's not me just being polite.
i want to know you at every second at every time in every feeling you have

your heart was fluttering i could feel it while i was buried in your chest and i wanted you to tell me what you wanted to

i think you sometimes share the feelings that i do but you feel like you have to be strong for me, please
once in a while

let it take you

i'll come in after you
we'll be better because of it and i know this is true
but the way you said i love you when it was through.

i really wanna ******* marry you.

let me begin by saying what i feel i can't (not allowed) to say enough
(for fear of sounding forced and polite)

i am sorry

allow me to go on, please don't quit here.

let me continue with saying what i feel i should
(for fear of losing you)

i am going to choose to use my words more wisely,   now .

"i spoke to you in cautious tones"
something i have not, something i will

i thought i was the one with the roses, picking at the thorns.
i was giving you thornless roses, i suppose, because i didn't want you to get hurt by them.
i want to see the thorns as truths and yet i gave these, thornless.

"and if my silence made you leave"
that is my own mistake. that is my worst.
my silence = keeping you in the dark
(̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶y̶n̶o̶n̶y̶m̶o̶u̶s̶)̶ ̶
i have made them synonymous.

i'm sorry.
please let me continue.

"and so it goes"
as my y-turn in the snow
i left you in the cold
to ponder
with your eyes c̶l̶o̶s̶e̶d̶  open
( i know you won't sleep tonight,
i'm sorry)

"and that is why my eyes are closed"
they are mine and you are what is s̶e̶e̶n̶  seeing

"you're the only one who knows"
more than me.
more than i.
you've always been right in opening my eyes.

"and still i feel i've said too much"
something i can not claim.
i am too careless with my words
and i've dropped my thorns
through the meadow and now you follow the trail and
piece me together
without me knowing that i've lost anything.

i am sorry
it's not okay
you've forgiven me, i suppose.

"in every heart there is a room"
and i feel i've left yours empty.

i want to fill it.

"so i will share this room with you"
as i want to
as you'd like me to (as i selfishly assume)

"but you can make decisions too"
as you do, you don't need me to say you can.
you've always known that.

"and so it goes"

i no longer write when im sad
because sadness no longer writes for me

sad in a blur in my rear view
now the occasional melancholy dusk

the rear view does not mean as much as my windshield
i drive towards the sunrise

oranges and yellows
blues and pinks

sadness blends now
it is no longer a solid hue

i have love
i have a horizon to drive towards

no matter where it leads
i am driving nonetheless

how i wish i could take the love i give you and make it visible outside of us so we could enjoy it together and plant it deep in healthy soil and watch it bloom so we both know what is true

driving late night
moon low, lookin like a street light
slow down, got some red lights
caterpillars growing up and startin to take flight
hand on your hand got me feelin right
and god, the feelins so ****** tight
thinking about your lips how i bite
when we're drivin late night.

and you've got this glow.
this halo
around you.
and my eyes should be on the road
but god knows, I can't control myself.
like wanting to taste the lemon
when i've got theses cuts on my tongue.
like gasping for air
when the room feels too tight
and all these ****** feelings
and we're just
driving late night

boys with big hands to hold me or a guitar.
to reach around my waist or to caress the keys of a piano.
quiet, soft spoken deep voiced boys with a celestial moan saved in their chest
and the warmest timbre when they say my name.
a boy with an ear to my chest and a hand on my thigh to tap the beat of my heart on chilly summer afternoons.
a boy like mine

at the point of entry (explicit)

it does not strike me strange
at the point of entry
when the heightened senses and the dark subconscious merge

when the lust and the sweat intersect
with ego desire and self is everlasting everything
that the ***** words secretion is sticky on my tongue

when I pant poems born in rawness and tears
on this the last day of the year
and eyes closed see visions extraordinaire
and the Maker whispers in both ears see!

it is the see of what is me,
it is the point of entry and departure,
one and the same,
conception an immaculate mess,
the emptying and the fulfilling, when unkempt promises
are born free flowing and semi-truths transform into
actualities unforeseen and my child cells of new poems
are injected, stored, awaiting the birthright
and the death of publication,
my moment of privileged perfection passes
and frowns and smiles are
one and the same, silken thread wove open and shut

the precision precious circumcising of flesh and soul departing

the utter collapse from within, the drowning in the amniotic,
rebirthing rebutting my denying that I have no more to give

I believe I belong to you for it is what the desire firing cylinders
say repeatedly in the union of the up and the down cycle:

come, come inside me,
I am the pleasure
you are the treasure
in one cup measured
conjoined container
when the point of entry is the point of departure
and with eyes closed from satisfaction and prayer
I see everything all at the same time, uttering:

I am undone utterly and the difference between
the end and the beginning can be seen only
at the millisecond long seven decade coming
point of entry

12/31/17 5:38am dawn dying and new day mourning

his face is so delicate
his cheeks are so ******* red

how does it feel?
to be as beautiful as you.
I'm counting the folds in your sweater on your arm.
The moon is full and you never look at me, I'm too busy counting the folds in your hand as it grips itself.
The moon is full and you never look at me.
My fingers hover over the fold in your sweater-
how does it feel?
being a silent film masterpiece, yet
never letting your eyes speak. you never
looked at me or kissed me quite as hard.
how does it feel being loved as much as you are?

I want rainy morning naps in sweaters and blankets. I want clumsy kisses in the doorway. I want a warmth from my chest and a happiness that radiates love. I want fingertips on the ridge of my back. I want that feeling in my veins. I want sunset kisses and long drives. I want a balance of love. I want hugs that tumble to the floor and laughing streaks under the covers. i want lips on my neck. I want love in my veins. I need someone..

his caffeine kisses below gray eyes
pulled me out from my body and into the light.
our tongues danced behind our fragile lips and
tiny love bites graced time
marking seconds and our bodies intertwined
lying on a teenager’s bed.
and his arms fit perfectly in the arch of my back
and my arms grasped his shoulders because
he was the only thing I was holding on for.
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