can you feel that?
the thoughts are pulling
feels like a hook in the gut

it's grueling
words ruling
like a book that i can't shut

mind stealing
what am i feeling?
i'd rather feel anything but

fate sealing
revealing
it's something, but i don't know what

Because we're still alive.
Because we still write even though we've lost our minds.
Because we still breath, still struggle, and try.

All the while,
we smile the same way at both virtue and crime.
(Because we're wired to think in rhyme.)
Because we've got such short lives to live,
and need creative ways to bide our time.

Because we're insane,
but don't want to die in vain.
Because we want (just once) for someone to understand what we're saying.

We each sculpt custom-made trophies for the weekly readings,
then award them to the ones we admire most openly.
Because we keep no secrets.
We're against privacy.
We're against conformity, contentment, and sleep
(because we always lose count of all those sheep).
Because we've got all this fur and such jagged teeth.

Because we're interested in exploring what's underneath.
Why do you think the way that you think?
I think it's because of this,
don't you disagree?
Ha, that's a laugh.
Now let's have a drink.

Because we celebrate victories and failures the same.
Because we elevate sorrow along with anger and pain.
There's something to be said of all these fireworks in our brain,
so let's give it a good effort in trying to explain.

You can join too, if you'd like.
It's really quite easy.
You've just got to write,
and every now and then,
recite.

Day two and you tell me you love me. And I crave the words so bad that for a second I let them wash over me like it's reality.
But actually, you're just some tool.
But actually, you're not.

Where people use words like alcoholic and *******, I use words like healing and hurt. Too curious about a world that keeps burning you when you reach out the touch it.

I don't see this scary person that you warned me away from. But I see someone I relate to, someone I can easily speak my mind to. Someone who may just be in as much pain as I am but unable to admit it without metaphor.

I've never seen someone write that beautifully and hurt someone else.

~

Sometimes I cry,
yes, I do
when I think about what my life
was like without you

I would watch lovers stroll,
young and old, hand in hand
knowing it was always someone else,
I was somehow always left out

It hurt, I’m not going to lie, it did…
I found myself constantly wondering
what is wrong with me?
Why was I alone…

Seeing days of sunshine for others,
laughter ringing, joy on their faces
love matching their steps, as I sat
on a wooden bench staring out into the bay

Watching a single gull floating
lonely on the water,
following the never ending ripples,
silently conforming to whatever this is

And I would think, that is me,
just floating, vacant, empty, bobbing
waiting the next tide
to bring me back to start again

For so long I was this sea bird,
chasing lunch boxes
on a crowded summer beach only to
end up hungry at the end of the day

Dreaming of a day when I would have someone,
(though I came to doubt it would happen)
to fly with me, soaring our beach,
our shore, making it all worthwhile

A heart to share
these things that I kept locked
deep inside for fear
no one would care

And yes, I still cry
at these thoughts, though
far and few between now
and disappearing more each day

For I no longer fly alone
and the waiting was so well worth it
As my smile returns and I live
the life that had always been waiting for me

And I now know the answer
to what was wrong with me,
to why I was alone…

   *I hadn’t found you yet

The hardest thing about living
Is not wanting to die.
The hardest thing about giving
Is when instead your heart
Is feeling pried.
From my chest cavity within,
Emptiness..
Where it no longer lies.

From the very depths of my heart,
I've confessed my eternal love.
From the very first breath of our start,
All others, you've shone eternally above
From the first days with you
It's my heart, you've unintentionally won
I've ripped my chest wide open
So you'd see, that surrounded by blood and bone,
Is just a black and empty hole.
Because my heart, to you it now belongs
And in my possession... Is now all gone

So even though you often feel alone in solitary
Just know, my love, it’s my heart you have
To always carry.
So whenever your cold
And life feels torn,
Please use my heart to keep you warm.
But PLEASE to you, I plead and cry
With chest wide open
As I lay here and die
Even though I'd do it just for you,
Please don't let me bleed myself dry.

All I do everyday, is hope that tomorrow,
You can replace in my chest
This bleeding hole, empty with sorrow,
And save me from feeling this misconstrued,
By finally trusting in my love for you,
And letting me have... Your heart too.

Even though it's sometimes hard to live
Know that for you I try
And even though it can be hard to give
I'm all yours,
and I hope one day again soon
..you’ll be all mine..

No rhythm, no structure, no order.
Just like your life
that you hold onto so much
without cause or reason to.
**** yourself sweetheart,
or somebody that matters to the world.
That doesn't need another self-depressed loner
with a pocket full of
quivering
self indulgent
lines of just ******* life from the world
so frail and done.
Doesn't deserve.
tired.
wants it to end.
At least pretend,
please,
Not this.
Not the suffering of a thousand past lives
regressing and regressing
into the insurmountable stormy oceans
or heartache and regret
and times you kept
telling yourself to hang in there.
Just hang in there a little longer.

Conclude a  predictably worthless life
and just don't look at me while you do it.
Turn the lights off.
I don't want to see you.

If you spit blood
while brushing your teeth:
it could be a sign
of gum disease.

And if you feel
pain and distress
it might be a sign
that you're depressed.

And if you are
anything like me,
it could be a sign.
It might just be.

If you ache
and you don't know why,
it could be sign
that you need to cry.

And if you cry
and there's no relief,
it could be a sign,
that like a thief
life has taken its toll
and its becoming too much;
and now you've grown
cold to touch.

If this sounds
anything like you
it's probably a sign,
that there are two.
That together we fall.
and that what you're going through,
is nothing new;
so hold onto something,
anything,
and I will, too.

Not dead,
yet slowly dying.
But you can't fault me
or blame me
for trying.
And I'd be lying:
if I said I didn't miss her,
Or that I didn't want to kiss her
again.
But it's too late for that now.
Too much sorrow.
Too much pain.
She gets on fine without me
so why can't I do the same?

I don't know.
And doubt I'll ever.
It went by so fast,
when we were together.
Now I'm stuck here,
alone,
in the cold rainy weather.
Wondering whether
you even think of me at all.
If you're feeling as I feel
or you're standing up tall.
I wonder a lot.
Wondering if I should call
only to be put on hold.
All my life I've waited
and now
I've already grown
far too old.

I remember now why I forget.
Killing me slowly
like smoke from your cigarette.
Filling me from the inside.
Invading me
poisoning me.
A little mistress of death
I wish I had never met.