More Structure, Bald Nature.
Intelligences without a Heart of Conscience.
Lost in the battle of Negligence.

Fear
Judged by irrationality
Hidden in accidental oversights
Feeding the dragon that leaks molten lava in salty streaks of regret
Fear
Empty wasted emotion
Saving ourselves from ourselves
Saving you from me
Worst case scenarios never included you punishing me at the sight of my weakness
Fear
You only love me beautiful
Love is a profound type of collective psychosis
Looks like strength but hides the truth
The truth that certainty is the truest delusion
Fear
On my best day, in the best possible scenario, I am still invisible
Open and still transparent
Full and still forgotten
Insightful and irrelevant my thoughts pour out unheard
Fear
In my demon's shadows lives the truth of my vulnerability
I am weak because I love you
I am a warrior because you love me
I am strong because I love you
I am a lamb because you love me
Fear
Spilling my unseen secrets
My evil self-talk, my mantra of honest lies
The purr of a kitten unsettles a soul beginning to believe it mattered
Pain dismissed in the peaceful snores of a tired moon
Fear
The sun shines in hope on the remnants of dream
On the nightmare of forgotten, overlooked, inconsequential truth
Empty apologies and the familiarity of beloved anguish
Herald the realization, that words don't matter
Truth or lies, faithless faithful, and a newfound silence
Fear
Invisible save for the ash lines that tell the tale
Of how I begged forgiveness for sharing my tormented and twisted mind
Only to be interrupted by the sounds of your peaceful slumber
Fear**
To be everything to your everything
and realize I am still........nothing at all

I know of a place,
where it only rains ash.
The sun doesn't shine,
it was swallowed en masse.
By an ominous void,
that's now stifled the grass.
I'm loathe to return,
but I'll lead you if asked.

We'll journey on over,
to death's little home.
Where graves fill the fields,
in neat little rows.
Not a songbird in sight,
just cackling crows.
Nor will flowers you see,
where the bone roses grow.

Of all the random movement
In the world
It seems no one has time
To notice your struggles
Anymore than one is saddened
By a broken sidewalk
Or demolished daisy
And now I know
How far from here
I have to go
The thought of you
Causes me to tremble
Put in simplest terms -
So much for fine words
No one can live up to them
Let me wake from this
Dream of life
And fly finally past the darkness
That reaches out for the darkness

Nestled
in a gyroscope
of allotment, haybail and heath
is the scenery of
my solemn country.
The skyrise, hollows. the
dripping
fat of the land.

The cities have boomed
and they're beautiful.
Like open roses they're
garlands of wire,
pylons and street-lights.
A thorny crown
on a girl in a nightclub. They're
blistering
they drink, kiss and drink.

And all the while
we live with whispers
splashed like
blood in a gutter.
As murmurs
pumped
through the strip-lit veins
of an office block.
Its a life where
prayers
are mist on train windows.

When we walk
we check our
reflection in car windows
and we're beautiful
we run
our hands
through our hair
knowing
we were babies born with
horns for this.

When we ride
its over
railroad boneyards,
the sleepers are
metal teeth locked in
asymmetrical laughter
at everything
at everyone
at nothing.

The skies are a
psychosis of sunlight, clouds,
vapour trails,
it's heaven
and
we're bent at the alter,
our shadow on
the crypt
has horns.

I want a bouquet of the prettiest flower you can find with a hand written poem wrapped around a stem. We can go to the park and you can bring me my favorite snacks and watch the clouds float through the sky as we point out which ones look like a boat or a car. Then let’s climb a tree until I climb so high I get scared and you have to help me down. Let’s play in the snow even though it’s all melting and lets get soaking wet in the slush. Lets jump in puddles and let the water soak into our shoes. Kiss me and then run fast as you can in the other direction so I have to chase you. Lets race down the road in our wet clothes and shivering skin. When we get too cold we will go home and change. Tell me how beautiful I look as I strip off my damp shirt and unbutton my jeans. Lay me on the bed and make love to me as you look in my eyes. *** on my tummy and laugh with me while I squirm as it drips into my belly button. Then help me get dressed again and surprise me with dinner. Walk me to the car and open the door for me. Take me on a date to Olive Garden. Play sappy love songs that remind you of me on our way. When we get to the restaurant, make sure you ask for a booth because you know how much I hate tables. Buy me noodles and shrimp and rub your feet on mine underneath the table. Steal bites of my dinner and I’ll steal bites of yours. I'll drink all my Dr. pepper right away so you'll let me drink all your water. Hold my hand when we leave and on our way home pull the car over. Let’s look at the sky and talk about aliens and how we don’t belong on this planet. Lets talk about where we really came from. Tell me what star is the brightest and show me the constellations. Let’s talk about this aching humanity and how desperately we want to fix it but don’t have any idea how. We'll yell at the planets and ask them to take us back. Then take me home and watch me take off my make up. Tell me how great I look with my hair tied back and natural skin. Lay on the couch and I will sit on your lap while you tell me stories of our future as cartoons play on the tv in the background. Listen to me giggle at spongebob while you braid my hair. Kiss my neck and tell me I'm the only princess you will ever need and someday I will be your queen. Tell me you want to marry me and reassure me that I’m not as worthless as I think I am. Tell me I didn’t deserve all this pain then listen to me and let me cry. Support me and cry with me. Wipe my tears and say you love me. Tuck me into bed and hold me until I fall asleep. When I wake up in the morning I want to smell your morning breath and kiss you for 30 minutes straight.
Don’t just say you love me. Do something about it.

I forgot to fill my prescription.
How is it that I always forget something that makes such an impact on my life?
Without it, I am not myself.
or am I more myself?
Who is to say that depression and anxiety aren't characteristics as opposed to mental illness?

A chemical imbalance of the brain.
That's how the doctors describe it.
That's how we describe it,
To make ourselves feel less ashamed.

So I forgot to fill my prescription.
Sometimes I think I forget purposefully.
Is it possible to cautiously make a sub-consous choice?
Cause' I think I might.
I think I do it to make myself feel alive again.
**** being able to "function".
I don't see functioning as living.
I truly feel alive when I allow myself to indulge in the pain.

Treating the emotional agony as something that I shouldn't feel, only makes me feel more ashamed of it.

So instead I indulge.
I don't cry.
I don't cut.
I don't expose.
I indulge in my inner sadness.

It makes me feel like a rebel.
Indulging makes me feel more alive than the actual act of living.
And that terrifies me.

I terrify me.