There's carollers outside my door
With the dreaded Christmas curse
They sing and sing and sing and sing
But, they only sing ONE verse

They ring the bell beforehand
All stand back and start to sing
I'm gonna do some rewire work
So my doorbell does not ring

They're from the church
They're from the school
They can not sing in tune
I can not wait for Boxing Day
I hope it gets here soon

They sing for cans of goodies
They open up their souls
I just wish they'd learn the whole **** song
Or they'd just all shut their holes

They come out every evening
They come out every day
I bet they've never heard a jingle bell
Or even ridden in a sleigh

Now, I like Christmas Choirs
It's not that I'm a Grinch
But, learn the words before you sing
It really is a cinch

It's a partridge in a pear tree
Not a bird stuck in a bush
These two cent hacks are able
To turn the nicest songs to moosh

Just knock and stand back silent
For three minutes, silent stay
Then I'll give you all ten dollars
So you will all just go away

I was working at the Postal Service
Part time, answering letters
When one for Santa caught my eyes
I could make this kids life better
I read the letter, held it close
I couldn't promise gifts and stuff
But, I read the **** thing fifteen times
And at that point, I'd had enough

Dear Santa Claus, the letter read
My name is Katy Green
I hope this Christmas is the best
That you have ever seen
I want to let you know I'm scared
You won't find us Christmas Eve
We are living in a trailer now
But, Santa...I still believe

We lost our house and all our stuff
When we got wiped out by a storm
We had to move to trailer town
And it's not easy keeping warm
There's Mum and Dad, and my sisters
All in this trailer built for two
So don't go where we were last year
No matter what you do

I put the letter in my shirt
Without a second thought
I'd be fired in a heart beat
If I ever did get caught
I went home after work that day
Pulled the letter, showed my spouse
My Christmas gift to them this year
I was gonna find that house

I started calling neighbors
Got my friends involved as well
And told them to get others
As many folks as they could tell
We were in the countries center
They were stuck out on the coast
We were going to bring Christmas
Just like the Holy Ghost

We put the letter in the paper
Gifts came in from shops and stores
I would come home after working
There'd be gifts outside my door
We started out with eight trucks
We figured that would do the trick
Eight trucks led by a madman
By, the way...my name is Nick

We had five days until Christmas
To get this load to where they were
We had toys and clothes and gift cards
We had no frankincense or myrrh
We had trucks just full of tires
In case we broke down on the way
There was nothing that would stop us
We'd be there on Christmas Day

Each city that we passed through
Our convoy grew in size
The police just let us roll on
They could not believe the size
Our line of trucks was bigger than
Any that I'd seen on the road
And each truck was fully packed up
Each one had a full load

The plan was nearly perfect
Two days and we would be there
We would fix up their old house
Where others wouldn't dare
We would not only bring them Christmas
We would give them back their house
And we would do it all in silence
Like that poem and that sleeping mouse

Our convoy found the township
And we did the best we could
We ripped the house asunder
And then rebuilt it with new wood
One letter set this movement
Of Christmas love and cheer
In mothion for one family
That as yet, weren't even here

We put lights up and got ready
Found a tree and made it right
When the gifts were all delivered
The house was quite a sight
We went out to the trailers
Just the drivers and no press
This was our Christmas present
Started by a child...who'd have guessed

I knocked upon the trailer
All the trucks lined up the way
We still had twenty four hours
Until it would be Christmas Day
Katy stood before me
With her mother in the back
I stood waiting on the doorstep
Dressed in red with a large sack

As soon as Katy saw me
She new that Santa Claus was here
That he'd seen her letter
And was here with Christmas Cheer
When her mum saw all the trailers
Lined on both sides of the road
She said to me "Dear Santa"
Where are all the trailers stowed

I told them of the letter
And we got them all outside
It didn't take too much convincing
That we would be going for a ride
When we turned up on their crescent
And we started for their place
Each one of them was crying
Tears were streaming down their face

The house was lit up brightly
The trees were lit up too
The house was their big present
Everything inside was new
The parents stood and wondered
While the kids just went on in
They asked us why we did it
It just took a letter to begin

We made Christmas for this family
We brought a Convoy across the land
Every one who heard about us
Pitched in to lend a hand
We may not quite be Santa
But, we helped him with his load
And next year again at Christmas
There'll be a Convoy on the road

I've manned the Christmas Kettle
Every year for twenty seasons
I don't tell people why I do it,
But, you know I have my reasons

It's makes me feel so special
Doing something that's just right
I man it from round 5 till 12
And almost every night

It gets cold out there ringing
My bell, for all to hear
I do it for my charity
One I hold so dear

Each year I've been out hustling
Getting more each year than last
I don't know how long I'll keep it up
The time's gone by so fast

I don't do lights at home at all
I do not have a tree
But I'm out there with my kettle
Ringing loud where folks can see

This year it was amazing
I brought in much more than before
I changed where I was ringing
I was not out by a store

The folks at where I donate
couldn't believe how much I got
In fact they got rid of my kettle
And gave me a large ***

It's the most they've ever had brought in
By any volunteer
I know it will be hard to beat
But, I'll try again next year

I'll tell you how I did it
I didn't use a gun or knives
I just rang my bell outside a strip bar
And told the men I'd tell their wives

Seems to work a treat for  me
I keep their secret and don't tell
And they pay me off in fifties
I just stand and ring my bell.

There is a Christmas Story
For each light upon the tree
A tale to share with others
For each light that you can see
Stories of the presents
Of the times from long before
There are stories in the light string
Go to the past...step through the door

Each light brings on a feeling
As each decoration does as well
There are stories long forgotten
There are stories you should tell
Of Uncle Mike and Aunty Pat
Of skiing down the hill
Of Christmas' from long ago
You think about them still

A simple decoration
Brings a picture to your mind
Of the Christmas you first got this
Of the friends you've left behind
Of road hockey on Christmas Day
And making snowmen in the yard
It doesn't take much to find the memory
It really isn't all that hard

The tree and place is different
And the people come and go
Remember back that Christmas
When there wasn't any snow
The pictures may be buried
And the gifts, now out of sight
But, if you look closely at the tree now
You'll see a story in each light

Spend some time this Christmas
Sing some songs, remember back
Of the Christmas's forgotten
Of the people you've lost track
Look deep inside the light string
Find the stories in each light
Tell the stories to your loved ones
On this Merry Christmas night

T'was the night before Christmas
And with everything done
The kids were all dreaming
Of Christmas Day fun
The tree was completed
We had wrapped all the toys
When from the basement below
We heard a faint noise
I sprung from the couch
Took off down the stairs
On my way through the kitchen
I tripped on two chairs
I slid down the staircase
To the base of my house
And there with my shortbreads
Was a ****** great mouse
My wife followed close
And then she let out a shriek
She saw me and the mouse
And she started to freak
He nibbled the cookie
and he ran past my nose
right down my torso
Then he stopped at my toes
My wife was still screaming
The mouse didn't care
He continued his running
On under the stairs
I crawled to my workshop
Grabbed the first thing I found
A mallet for pounding
That mouse in the ground
I limped to the staircase
And I swung at the wall
I again lost my balance
And again, I did fall
I put two holes in the riser
Two more in the tread
I was gonna keep swinging
Till that mouse was dead
I broke the one lightbulb
That lit up the room
Now I was worried
I couldn't see...found the broom
I stepped on one end
Squared my self in the sack
I then heard a noise
The mouse had come back
I heard his slight skitter
As he went past my feet
He was off to the larder
For more stuff to eat
I went back to the workshop
Tripping at least three more times
I would finish this mouse
He would pay for his crimes
I grabbed for a lighter
And my large propane torch
I would hunt down this mouse
And his **** I would scorch
I lit up the propane
And I aimed at the stairs
It caught light on the carpet
And I burnt both those chairs
The flames went on upward
The stairs were quite dry
I laughed in hysterics
That **** mouse would fry
My wife had recovered
And decided to run
but, after seeing the flames
She phoned up 9 1 1
The mouse left the building
In fact, he never was found
The house burned in seconds
It collapsed to the ground
And through the whole scene
I just stood there and laughed
At the wreckage before me
And I thought, **** I'm daft
I had ruined our Christmas
And I burned down our house
Over a **** shortbread cookie
And one little mouse
The kids, they got out
And were wrapped up and warm
While I was creating
My own perfect storm
The gifts were all ruined
The house ...all consumed
And over my head
One large question loomed
If I had gone for the shotgun
And shot at the mouse
Would I be still having Christmas
And would I still have a house
My wife came on over
And she gave me a swat
She said "look what you've done"
"you great stupid ****"
I learned a great lesson
and folks ...it is that
Once I rebuild
I will then buy a cat!!!

The Christmas season is upon us
With lots of things to show
NO THERE ISN'T , YES THERE IS
And the best of them's the Panto

**** Whittington and Aladdin
Are two that I've forgot
But I've heard that they're amazing
YES THEY ARE, NO THEY'RE NOT

A tradition every Christmas
The Panto finds the kid
Inside every one who witnesses
NO HE DIDN'T , YES HE DID!!

Actors dressed as women
Silly fun for all to see
NO IT ISN'T , YES IT IS
And lots of fun for me

There's nothing like a Panto
To make the people yell
NO IT DOESN'T, YES IT DOES
It's a laugh for me as well

This year I chose my Panto
I'm going to see the lot
So, I will wish you Merry Christmas
I WILL SO, YOU WILL NOT!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND ENJOY THE PANTO IN YOUR AREA.

'TWAS THE MORNING OF CHRISTMAS
AND THE WORLD WAS CONCERNED
NO GIFTS WERE DELIVERED
WE WOKE UP AND LERARNED
WHAT HAPPENED TO SANTA?
WHY DID HE NOT COME
THE PARENTS WERE WORRIED
THEY WERE FEELING QUITE GLUM
HE'D NEVER FORGET US
ON PURPOSE, THEY SAID
PERHAPS SOMETHINGS HAPPENED
PERHAPS SANTAS DEAD
THIS SURE COULDN'T HAPPEN
OUR DEAR SANTA DIE
WHEN THE WORLDS CHILDREN HEARD THIS
THEY ALL STARTED TO CRY
ALL THIS WATER IS RISING
AND IT'S GETTING QUITE HIGH
THEY SAT AND THEY THOUGHT
THAT THERE MUST BE A REASON
THAT ST. NICK PASSED US BY
DURING THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON
PERHAPS WE'VE FORGOTTEN
WHAT CHIRSTMAS IS FOR
IT'S FOR LOVING EACH OTHER
NOT JUST SHOPPING IN STORES
PERHAPS SANTA THOUGHT
THAT THE WORLD HAD GONE BAD
WE MUST ALL HEAD OUT NORTHWARD
TO THE POLE WE MUST GO
WE;LL TELL WE'RE SORRY
HEL'LL BELIEVE US , I KNOW
WE'LL HEAD OUT DIRECTLY
BEFORE THIS DAY ENDS
WE;LL HEAD OUT TOGETHER
AND WE'LL MAKE OUR AMENDS
IT TOOK 14 HOURS TOGET TO HIS HOUSE
WE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR
AND WE SPOKE TO HIS SPOUSE
WE TOLD HER WE'RE SORRY
AND WE'LL TRY TO BE GOOD
WHEN BEHIND HER CAME SANTA
HE WAS DRESSED WITH A HOOD
HE SAID "THANK YOU FOR COMING"
"I COMMITTED THE SIN..."
"MY ALARM CLOCK IS BROKEN...
"AND I GUESS I SLEPT IN!"

The Old Man sat and watched
Muttered some, not much
He just sat there watching shoppers
Use Black Friday as a crutch
A crutch to show inherent greed
Not caring what they bought
He watched them fight for useless stuff
And in the end, it's all for naught

He smiled and he just sat there
Just incensed by what he saw
As the double doors flew open
And opened the stores maw
Whenever did the season
Change from giving gifts to this?
I've been around for many years
Was there a memo that I missed

He sat and watched the melee
A retail **** you might say
Then he muttered once more slowly
And he rose and walked away
He shook his head from side to side
Trying to make sense of this whole scene
These people gave thanks yesterday
What does Christmas mean?

He stopped and picked up letters
From his post box on the way
And then he went up to the roof, you see
To his reindeer and his sleigh
The old man, well...it's Santa Claus
And he's adding new names to his list
With the nightmare down below him
There's now some folks who might get missed

I changed a few Christmas' back
From a grinch to a believer
I realized one special day
Santa Claus was not a deceiver
I was working at my job one day
Playing Santa for the staff
Confounding all the customers
And making children laugh
Not many knew that it was me
Dressed as Santa Claus that day
And it changed the way I acted
I had carte blanche to play
Wearing the suit is not a task
It's an honor to be sure
It brings out your inner Christmas
And it opens up a door
A door to something buried
Cynicism, of man's greed
Wear a Santa Suit and you
Will get all the faith you need
A child had been watching me
I'd been watching her some too
She came and said "I don't believe"
She said "It's because I am a Jew"
I must admit this startled me
So I got down on one knee
I said "You may not believe in Christmas"
"But, I'm sure you believe in me"
I gave the girl a candy cane
For, I knew she wanted that
And the suit brought out my Inner Claus
It pulled some magic from it's hat
I said "do you believe in what you see"
She said she did, I'd sealed the deal
I held my hand for her to touch
"And my hand, does it feel real?"
She smiled and she said it did
Then I laughed at her because
The look that spread across her face
said "You are, you are Santa Claus"
At this point her brother came
And said "It's just some one in a suit"
I must admit, I wanted to just
give this lad a boot
I gave the girl two candy canes
One for her and for her brother
I told her to say it's from me
When they checked out with their Mother
She hugged me, said "I know you're real"
And she gave me one hug more
And when she went to find her mum
I left through a secret door
I stood and watched the little girl
give the candy to her brother
She said it was from Santa Claus
To the consternation of her mother
He turned around to look for me
But, I was not around
I'd left you see, and was watching him
To him I'd not be found
The look I saw upon his face
When he noticed I was gone
Was confusion, for I'd not gone past
Christmas magic had been done
I wore the suit a few more times
And I must admit because
Once you wear the Santa Suit
You are always Santa Claus.

THE STORY OF OUR SAVIOUR'S BIRTH
IS ONE WE'VE ALL BEEN TOLD
HOW THREE WISE MEN CAME FROM THE EAST
THEY WERE BEARING GIFTS AND GOLD
THEY TRAVELLED FAR ACROSS THE SAND
FOR MANY DAYS ON END
AND WHEN THEY WERE ABOUT TO QUIT
THEY SAW IT ROUND THE BEND
T'WAS NOT THE MANGER THAT THEY SOUGHT
FOR IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT
BUT WHAT THEY FOUND WAS JUST THE PLACE
WHERE THEY COULD SPEND THE NIGHT
THE SIMPLE PLACE THAT THEY HAD FOUND
WAS MADE OF MUD AND STICKS
IT STILL SURVIVES ON TO THIS DAY
IT'S NOW CALLED MOTEL 6
THEY SPENT THE NIGHT
AND THEN MOVED ON
TO FIND THE KING OF KINGS
THEY NOW HAD MORE TO GIVE HIM
WITH ALL THEIR PRECIOUS THINGS
THEY WERE RACKED WITH PAIN
AND HAD A CHURNING IN THEIR BOWELS
IT WAS CAUSED BY GUILT YOU KNOW
BECAUSE THEY'D STOLEN THEIR ROOMS TOWELS
IT TOOK TWO WEEKS BUT THEN THEY FOUND
THE MANGER THAT THEY SOUGHT
THEY CAME ON THROUGH THE LITTLE GROUP
TO SHOW THE GIFTS THEY'D BROUGHT
THE FIRST WISE MAN, HE GAVE HIS GIFT
A SMALL CASE MADE OF GOLD
"IT WAS LOVELY TO LOOK AT AND REAL NICE TO TOUCH"
"BUT I BROKE AND T'WAS SOLD"!
HE LAID IT DOWN BEFORE THE CHILD
AND HE MADE A LITTLE SPEECH
HE SAID "MY LORD, YOU'LL SOON GROW UP"
"AND THE WHOLE WORLD YOU WILL TEACH"
FRANKINCENSE WAS THE NEXT GIFT
THAT THE MAGII DID LAY DOWN
"WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT IT'S USED FOR"
SAID THIS WISE MAN WITH A FROWN
THE FINAL GIFT THAT THESE THREE GAVE
WAS MYRRH AND THIS I FEAR
IS SOMETHING WE THINK PEOPLE
ALL DAB BEHIND THEIR EARS
A BETHLEHEM STAR REPORTER
WAS WRITING IN HIS PAD
"THE CHILD LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS MUM"
"HE DON'T LOOK MUCH LIKE HIS DAD!"
THE BABY JESUS ROSE TO SPEAK
AS THE MAGGI LEFT FOR ROME
"MERRY CHRISTMAS GENTLEMEN"
"HAVE A VERY SAFE TRIP HOME"!

We Three Guys (We Three Kings)
by Roger Turner on Thursday, 11 August 2011 at 17:20 ·

We're 3 guys who ride on the bus
Please take a good look at us
We have no home, or a cell phone
There's Me and Bob and Gus
Chorus
Sally Ann will take you in
Eat off plates that look like tin
There's no fear there, and there's cheer there
Please may we 3 come in


All we have we wear on our backs
We don't have to pay income tax
It's not funny, we've no money
Yes, these are all the sad facts
(CHORUS)
I once used to have a good job
Now I dress myself like a slob
I'm a good dude, though I look rude
Greetings, my name is Bob
(Chorus)
We don't want for you to feel shame
There is no one for you to blame
Folks ignore us, some abhor us
We look at them the same
(Chorus)
I am Gus and I'm not well off
Lately, I've developed a cough
Could be TB, may just **** me
Then I'd be better off
(Chorus)
I am Paul, and these are my friends
Our good will to you we will send
Come and join us, riding our bus
Riding it Till the end.

What the hell is X-Mas?
What does X-Mas mean?
It seems to coincide with Christmas
Is it something for the teens?

Is X-Mas from the X-Men
A Marvel comic sort of thing
I've looked it up on google
And no bells does X-Mas ring

Now, Christmas, that is different
I know exactly when that is
Well, not exactly to the minute
Is X-Mas the same as this?

I'm told that X-Mas is a way
to write down Christmas fast
I mean how lazy can a person be
To worry just what time has passed?

Christ is represented now
By an X and a small dash
Just think of all the time you saved
and of all the extra cash

Saved by companies on Christmas cards
It really makes you think
Three letters gone from Christmas cards
They save a ton of ink

An  X, it just does not make sense
At least it don't to me
If the X stands for his cross
Then why not use small T

To paraphrase a friend of mine
Don't send a card to me
If Christmas isn't printed there
Then it's a card I will not see

X-Mas is not a phrase
Even PC people say
They don't even understand it's use
They all say Holidays

So have a Merry Christmas
Celebrate, our saviour's birth
And bury X-Mas in a snow drift
Even that's more than it's worth.

We all know about Rudolph
and how his nose lights up the night
And olive, the other reindeer
Who help Santa with his flight

But, there's one who is forgotten
From the Christmas songs and rhymes
And I think you should hear about him
Yes, I think it is about time

Randy was a reindeer
He liked to play the reindeer games
But he too, was like Rudolph
And the others called him names

Randy, wasn't much at flying
Didn't like going out most nights
Randy, well, he was just different
You see, he was afraid of heights

He couldn't see where he was going
Either in the day or night
You see Randy needed glasses
He had a problem with his sight

His balance was in question
Always falling to the ground
If a reindeer falls in the forest
Does that reindeer make a sound?

He had a skin condition
He needed special cream to help
The harness didn't help him
In fact, it made him yelp

He was shorter than the others
And his stride was a bit off
And when Santa came to see him
Randy had a nervous cough

He didn't like the female reindeer
He liked the males, more than he should
Randy was "light up in the antlers"
And to Santa, that's no good

Santa couldn't fly with Randy
Randy's name, it was all wrong
It screamed out Broadway not of Christmas
It didn't work in all the songs

Santa said "you're a strange reindeer"
"You can't fly, you're blind and gay"
"And if you led my team out"
"We'd not be done in just one day"

"I'm sorry, reindeer Randy"
"I have to cut you from the team"
"They play one side,you're another"
"If you know what Santa means"

So, Randy, he just wanders
Round the north pole all the while
Bumping into things and falling
With his light antlers and strange smile

He's not a famous reindeer
And I think that it's ok
That Santa has a reindeer
Who, we now all know is gay.