Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boom
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
A Bop bopa-lu a whop bam boom

knew a deer named Rudy
had a ruby snooty
knew a deer named Rudy
had a ruby snooty
you see a red light in the air
you knew Rudy was flying there

Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boom
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
A Bop bopa-lu a whop bam boom

Couldn't play the reindeer games
Had to hide his nose in shame
Couldn't play the reindeer games
Had to hide his nose in shame
So he chose to run away
Away from where the reindeer play

Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boom
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
A Bop bopa-lu a whop bam boom


Went off, with an elf
They went off by themselves
Went off, with an elf
They went off by themselves
Had adventures in the snow
They tried to hide old Rudy's glow

Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boom
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
A Bop bopa-lu a whop bam boom

Met a man wantin' gold
And a bumble,in the cold
Met a man wantin' gold
And a bumble, in the cold
Found the land of misfit toys
Waiting for good girls and boys

Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boom
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
A Bop bopa-lu a whop bam boom

Found their way to Christmas Town
Santa Claus was feeling down
Found their way to Christmas Town
Santa Claus was feeling down
Santa told the elves I fear
There won't be a Christmas trip this year

Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boom
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
Ruby snooty, Oh Rudy
A Bop bopa-lu a whop bam boom

Then Santa saw old Rudy's nose
You know how the story goes
When Santa saw old Rudy's nose
You know how the story goes
He led Santa on his flight
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
I'm sure you remember that song
Well that was my grandma who was hit
And again, they got part of it wrong

See, she really was run over by reindeer
But it was nothing like they said
Those deer were driving a milk truck
That left my poor grandma nearly dead

My poor grandma just got done milking
And was putting the cows back in the field
When eight drunk reindeer in a milk truck
Crashed thru the fence and didn't yield

They just kept on going thru the barn yard
Straight thru the creek and down the hill
Grandma looked like a bug on a windshield
With pieces of her wig on that milk truck's grill

Now poor grandma never seen it coming
Cause she was looking the other way
We even found that poor womans glasses
Stuck on a scarecrow near the hay

Well, now my grandma had not been drinking
Like that song had claimed she was
But somehow they try to make it funny
Seems like those city folk always does

Well, that's about as much as I can tell you
Because the lawsuit is still pending
Those reindeer got some north pole lawyer
And we heard he's pretty good at defending

So beware of reindeer driving milktrucks
For they mean to cause your grandma harm
And don't forget try to remind your grandmas
To look both ways when she leaves the barn

I've more New Year's behind me
now that I have gotten old
My next one's in the tropics
I just don't like the cold

I used to party hearty
I wouldn't get back home till five
Now, I pass out on the sofa
My wife checks if I'm alive

I remember  I went drinking
I got drunk riding the bus
When I told my friends the story
they said, dude, that wasn't us

I told them yes it was,
We all stayed out till late
They informed me of my error
I had passed out just past eight

New Years was  Lombardo
New Years...it was **** Clark
Two giants of the evening
Two men who left their mark

Now, incentive to stay up till twelve
To see who will Jenny McCarthy kiss
well, I liked her better as a playmate
now, I couldn't  give a ****

The morning will still get here
Whether I stay up, or not
New Year's eve is nothing special
I spend it with my wife (she's hot)

We cuddle on the sofa
Fall asleep as if on cue
With our tray half full of finger foods
We're asleep by ten, not two

I wish you Happy New Year's
My best wishes all are sent
If you stay awake past midnight
Call, and tell me how it went.

My Christmas tree
Is not the same as yours
You see, my tree is in my mind
It can't be bought in stores

It's made up of a lot of things
I couldn't ever, ever buy
And I put them on my Christmas Tree
Using my minds eye

The star atop my Christmas tree
Is as bright as bright can be
My tree topper  is The North Star
It's the brightest one you see

For tinsel, I use icicles
That Mother Nature made
By hitting us with an ice storm
With devastation laid

For ornaments, I have my pick
There is so much there to choose
With a winter pallet so diverse
With whites, reds, greens and blues

For lights, I use the stars again
And street lights as I need
I let them shine and light my tree
It's the brightest tree indeed

In my mind my tree is ten feet tall
With gifts piled half as high
But, in reality, there is no tree
It's just in my minds eye

You see, I am a prisoner
Of machines and stuck in doors
I haven't had a Christmas Tree
Since Nineteen Eighty Four

But, still I choose to celebrate
Giving gifts and sending cards
But I lie here looking outward
So, going out, well...it's too hard

My tree, it is incredible
And the best part, I must say
Is that I can enjoy it all year round
And when I'm done, it goes away

No needles dropping on my floor
No checking strands of lights
My tree, it shows up when I want
And it's always out of sight

I wish you could walk in my mind
And share my tree with me
It's ten feet tall, and beautiful
And it's just for me to see.

There is magic
In each snowflake
I don't know how or why
But I know
There is magic
In each snowflake
That falls in the night sky

Night snowflakes
Make lights brighter
Night snowflakes
Are more crisp
Night snowflakes
Have more magic
Night snowflakes
Are a wisp...

There is magic
In each snowfall
But, more so
Snow at night
For it's magic
From night snowfalls
That help with
Santa's magic flight

Night snow
Shines like silver
Night snow
reflects more
Night snow
Holds the magic
Night snow
Hear it roar

There is magic in each snowflake
You can't see till you believe
There is magic in each snowflake
Just wait...until Christmas Eve.....

I've lost the Christmas Spirit
It's nowhere to be seen
I don't want a White Christmas
This year it can stay green
I've lost all thoughts of putting up
A tree and Christmas lights
I don't want to hear another song
About a Christmas night
I've tried to get the spirit
Reading cards from years gone by
I just can't get in the feeling
And I know the reason why
Santa can stay home this trip
He can pass my house this year
I just can't get in the spirit
Not a chance of that my dears
You see, as the new year dawns upon us
I will be unemployed and out of work
So, you see, the Christmas spirtit
is behind a feeling I can't shirk
The spirit should be in me
But, this year it isn't here
I think I'll give up looking
There's no hope for me, I fear
I'm not worried about the presents
But, the feeling's not in me
I can't find it in the music
I can't find it in a tree
I think if Christmas Spirits
Came to work their magic act
I'd just pay them for their hours
And I think I'd send them back
Don't waste your time on me boys
My Christmas spirit up and left
Of goodwill toward others
I feel I am bereft
I would hope next year to find it
But, this year it's not in me
To wish a Merry Christmas
Maybe next year...we'll just see.

Why is it that some parents
Think that it's okay
To name their children Jesus
If they're born on Christmas day?

They name their children badly
Christmas names just do not fit
Imagine Frosty Watanabe
I bet he feels a twit

There's rules that must be followed
Jesus is not the name to use
No matter when your kid was born
He's not the leader of the Jews

We knew a J.C. Fitzmorris
When I was a kid in school
Said his name was Jesus Christ
To us, that wasn't cool

Poor J.C. took a beating
When he said that name of his
You see, no one did believe him
I felt so sorry for old Fitz

Holly Berry, Frosty
Snowflake and the rest
Are just not names for children
These names just aren't the best

Your child will just hate you
If you name them by the season
A friend of mine named Cupid
Is in therapy for this reason

So, please don't name them Jesus
Rudolph, Frosty, even Nick
There is only ever one of these
And your kid will feel a ****

But, if one night three months from now
The Holy Ghost pays you a visit
I think Jesus might be a good name
It's not so bad now...is it?

Do you know those Christmas Letters?
The one's that people love to send
The one's that make the family
Just feel like they're a friend

We get them every Christmas
And we cringe when they arrive
They make me want to  have a few
And go and drink and drive

I'd sooner jump off of a cliff
Than send these letters to
My friends and yes, my family
I hope that you would too

I don't care if you planted mums
or if the cat gave birth in May
You can phone if it's important
If you've got something good to say

I don't need to read a journal
Of every thing you did last year
If I really truly counted
You'd phone me up so I could hear

I like a card at Christmas time
But the letters have to end
don't even send them by e-post
Think twice and don't hit send

Next year I may send one myself
Something I've not done before
It's gonna be a long one
It will start in sixty four

So, please, although I love you
and I want you in my life
Don't send me Christmas journals
They're too heavy for my wife!!!

It doesn't matter if you're set
Christmas always comes
Even if you do forget
It doesn't matter if you're set

Even if real ****** you get
On egg nog with five different rums
It doesn't matter if you're set
Christmas Always Comes!!

If you've never pulled some tinsel
Out of your cat's ****
Or cleaned up after "Fluffy"
Eats the poinsetta and throws up

Surely, you've redecorated
After "Fluffy" climbs the tree
You hear it smash into the floor
In the morning, about three

You've used wire to support it
Keep it straight, that is your goal
To "Fluffy" it's her present
It's her brand new scratching pole

When the tree has got no water
But, the cat just has to ***
You have to fill the bowl again
Beneath the dying tree

You kick ornaments around the room
And find out that they're glass
Because "Fluffy" had to play with them
So, you kick her in the ***

It's a Family Christmas Ritual
If you're the owner of a cat
You can't decorate and leave it
She won't have none of that

Christmas is the season
For cats to drive you mad
And give you Christmas memories
You wish you never had

So, if you've never seen the tinsel
That the cat ate just last night
You can see it just below her tail
If the light just hits it right

This is why I have a dog....

There was a knocking on my bedroom door
It was almost ten past three
I thought it was a dream, so I
just ignored it...went to ***

I came back to my bedroom
And in my corner chair
Sat a Christmas ghost I'd seen before
I acted though he was not there

I looked at him and then it dawned
You're number three of all the ghosts
He said that nothing much had changed
The others were working up the coast

He said since his last visit
I'd gotten somewhat worse
And that the chance of my salvation
was far outnumbered by my curse

You don't believe in Christmas
You're not one we can change
On a scale of one to ten sir
you're not even in the range

The others figured what the heck
You go, you don't need us
It's only been one Christmas
So, there's no need for us to fuss

He told me Scrooge, you're awful
You make what skin I have left crawl
You're so close to the bottom now
You'd have to go up just to fall

I told him you're mistaken
I donate, and then...what's more
Scrooge is my next door neighbor
He's one house down at forty four!!!!

My daughter came home sunday
And pronounced as loud as hell
I got married on vacation
And there's plenty here to tell
From now on it's a new thing
At Christmas, here's the test
Before we eat our dinner
By a rabbi, it is blessed
Her mother, not the sharpest
Thought a bit, and with a grin
Said, if we sit down with a rabbi
Would he truly , well...fit in?
My daughter said, well Mama
The man that I just wed
Is jewish so I'm changing
I felt a pounding in my head
From now on a menorah
Would be needed in the house
My wife said, no more pets here
Your brother has a mouse
My daughter said, no mama
It's a special, holy thing
Where you light up eight blessed candles
And enjoy the holiness they bring
My wife, said, Oh I knew that
I was testing, that was all
I'll put one on my shopping list
I'll go and buy one at the mall
My daughter then continued
there's other changes that will come
I just stood there, headache pounding
I was feeling deaf and dumb
The Christmas Tree will have to go
No turkey, kosher food
No crackers or old stockings
They may think of these as rude
At this point I exploded
No Christmas Tree, no way
Little girl, this is my house, my dear
Now, listen as I say
The tree will be as always
In the corner by the fire
the stocking hung with tender care
With nails and picture wire
The turkey will be 20 pounds
At least, stuffed full of bread
Kosher food, if served here
Will be only if I'm dead
Christmas is my holiday
It's in my house, where I am boss
And I say we have a turkey
And pray to Jesus on the Cross
A Kosher Kristmas in this house
May never come to pass
We can celebrate at your new home
Got it straight, my little lass
In my house I'm the ruler
So don't come in with something new
In my house we are Christian
And we celebrate a jew
We will welcome your new husband
To our home at Christmas time
But, while you're in this dwelling
The rules in force are mine
If you want a Kosher Kristmas
I think it is a good idea
If you celebrate together
But you do not do it here....

Not being religious,
There's a question I have
that has puzzled me since I was ten
My parents divorced when I was quite young
And I guess I thought of this then

Christmas is the story
Of the birth of our lord
Yours, mine, I'm really not sure
But I often thought hard
And it bothers me still
What is Jesus' tie to a store?

Retail it seems
Makes Christmas seem right
As long as you get what you want
But I don't understand
The connection between
"made in china" and three ghosts who haunt

But back to my question
It's one I must ask
Since my parents got divorced in a court
If Jesus' father is truly our God
Did he ever get sued for support?