hi! i dont know if youll eventually find your way here, but i did leave some clues for you to find this.

its unbearable, the pain. i did what i did, but i was thinking of what ill be going through again if i succumb into this kind of situation again. im just really really tired. its not that im not giving you a chance to change, but its because im tired of giving people chances. i cant seem to do anything good right now. i cant watch, sleep, play, or even sit down without thinking about you and how much i love you. but this is is how it goes, im running away again. its sad, but this is how ive always been. i just want to go back to the time where i was simply at peace with myself. for such a short amount of time, every fiber of my being became attached, and soon after, loved you for everything that you are. and it ***** because i think im scared of everything even if tho im hopeful?

im suffering every day! i blocked u bc i dont want to let my mind suffer. nung tayo naman, ang dami ko nang iniisip pero ngayon naman napalitan lang ng what ifs or other things na ayaw ko na sabihin. araw araw after the end, iniisip ko na gusto ko bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko and just let things fall back into place again. pero grabe, sobrang naaawa na ko sa sarili ko na i have to go through this thing again—na kailangan ko nanaman turuan ang taong mahal ko kung paano ba dapat ako mahalin ng tama. its so tiring and this is why i chose to let go.

hindi ko naman alam if mapapadpad ka dito, pero gusto ko lang sabihin na totoo din kitang minahal and i still love you while im writing this. but we cant be together again hanggat ganito. hindi mo naman ako pinaglaban, i keep hearing excuses. or maybe hindi ka pa dumadating sa point na dapat alam mo na gagawin mo. we're just too far apart (figuratively and literally). but im glad i met you, but here we go again with the unending heartaches.

the final straw was when i read your horoscope for the week. seems like the world is in your favor and it wanted me to release you. to be fair, i was never tired bc of what happened but bc of what i know ill be going through again. i had to stop it. pero ayun, i knew naman na u had to be alone for the time being but i just had to push this relationship bc idk siguro talaga selfish ako and kasi gusto kita. nasaktan pa tuloy kita imbis na magmove on ka nalang sa ex mo.

ayun din, ang dami ko pang kinatatakutan. what if may iba ka nang kalaro, what if bumalik ka sakanya, what if may bago na altogether. hindi ko alam, for all i know baka nakamove on ka na. pero its okay, gusto ko talagang sumaya ka! i swear, yun lang gusto ko. bukod sa pagod na ko, iniisip ko din na baka nahihirapan ka na dahil sa pressure ng relationship natin. im truly sorry for not sayong goodbye ng maayos. i never had the ***** to say everything in front of your face. i didnt even have the ***** to say i love you one last time! i ****.

hay grabe. ill cherish our memories together, no doubt. sobrang saya ko sayo. kahit hindi tayo okay, sobrang saya ko parin kasi ikaw naman yung kasama ko lutasin yung problema. sana napasaya kita kahit papaano. i know naman na puro perwisyo lang nabigay ko sayo, but just know im truly sorry for everything. kung naging toxic ako sayo, pasensya na. pasensya na talaga if it was so difficult for you to love me. sabi ko sayo its not gonna be this hard sa the one mo. but to be fair, ginusto ko rin na sana ikaw nalang, na ikaw na talaga. naisip ko nga na ikaw na talaga pero baka hindi lang ngayon?

sana makahanap ka ng mas better sakin and i hope u learned kahit papaano. ito nanaman tayo sa cycle ko, pathway lang talaga ako para ready na kayo sa the one niyo 🤣 kung magkabalikan kayo, ayaw ko na malaman! hahahaha pero masaya pa rin ako para sayo no doubt. ill always be rooting for you and your life choices. magiging **** ka pa, and sana madami kang mapasayang bata when that time comes.

ill be fine but im always praying for you. i do hope mabasa mo to. but if hindi, then let these words just reach you in some other way, or baka ibulong ko nalang sa hangin.

i love you so much, p! ill always do 😊 ill never forget you.

I've always loved disasters.

I was young, of course, I didn't know what it could do to me. They've always dressed up as the calm, but little did I know that they would actually ruin me. It led me to a faraway place, somewhere I didn't know my own existence--just pure nothingness. I lost myself, my own being, and for years I thought I would gain everything, but lost all of it.

And then you came along.

I felt like a blank canvas when you came. I was so caught up with my own emotions that it totally ruined and drained me into nothing. I forgot the feeling of being in love. I've always thought that it was the disaster that defines the feeling of it, but

actually,
it was the calm dressed up as a disaster.

Almost.

The word alone has its own impact, already a thought-consuming word. It reminds me of things I was on the brink of doing, on the edge of making, and on the verge of having, but never did.

yesterday, i was on the verge of letting you go. i left the thought of you in my last 84 years, and before that too. today, i'm 34 and maybe will last for the next decades or so. i'm not sure if i'll leave this lifetime again-- with the trails of your kisses dangling on my shoulder, its tips gently swaying across my bare back. ill ask myself again tomorrow the dreaded question of my past lifetimes, "why will i leave you again?".

i developed this habitual longing for thoughts of you inside my head. how i couldn't quite reach the satisfaction of imagining--i need your soul in physical form. i need you with me; right here, right now.

you can clearly see the fault here, and i'm sorry for that. i need to love you, not need nor want you. it's not some complicated **** as the reason of my soon-to-be absence for the rest of your life, it's the crushing thought of being not worthy to be yours. you're too precious, too much of a sweet liability for my bitter tongue could willingly handle.

alas, this lifetime would probably be wasted again on depressing decisions that will be the end of me. but one thing is for sure, inside the deep oblivion of my mind, i will always love you. and i'm wishing for more lifetimes to come for me to get that out of my nothingness.

this time, i'm going to defy the fates. i will be yours, even if you won't be mine. i'll give you my heart, and I know it's not in the fates' list of fated but you will receive it. i apologize to the one that's destined to me; you can have me in our next lifetime because this time, i'm going to break the rules. that's the ******* extent of my love for you--i'm willing to sacrifice every **** of my life because you had me with the twinkle of your eyes and that's enough compensation for the damage its reflection caused. i know for a fact that you've broken a lot of rules but let me be the rule that will break itself for you.

"was it hard?"
"what?"
"loving me?"

I just want you and that's the end of our conversation.