i wasn't a normal kid
and it wasn't easy to hide,

no pretty little princess night light
fastened to a peach wall
in a brick house

i watched the street lights flicker
through a gap in the blinds,
talking to you in my head
like,

"i hope your hands are still soft
i hope your teeth are still crooked
i hope you follow the street lights,
count your way to my house,
and sleep beside me
in my bed"

i left the window open
in the winter
cause i thought
you were the wind

the cold kept me up
and i liked it cause
i was afraid
of the pictures in my head
when sleep left me
powerless,
out of control

i never liked
losing control

one foot
in front of the other
...
always coaching
myself in my head
about things that
hardly mattered

12 years small,
afraid of mistakes
afraid of rejection
afraid of death
and friendship
and grief
and loving

falling asleep at school the next day
chipping my front tooth
on a ceramic desk,
and holding my breath

i never cried
in occupied spaces

i never asked for help

i never said,
"something's not right"
even though
those words lived
on the tip of my tongue
for years on end

they noticed the shadows under my eyes
but it was too late,
14 & poisoned
by loss and
guilt and
this growing fear
that made it
hard to speak
without my voice
breaking

no one knew
how to treat me
my mom didn't let me
lock doors
or wear long sleeves

when you hung yourself
the noose came after me

you were gone in minutes
i stayed gasping for air
and fighting
for years

i'm twenty-two now
and it's no miracle
i made it

i ******* scratched
at the roof of the coffin
you nailed me in
til my finger nails bled
and the wood split
just enough
for my lungs
to stop straining

you doomed me from
such a young age
i have trouble deciphering
where your death ends
and my personality begins

i am drenched in your blood
everything i touch is tainted
by the memory of your brother's
shaky voice through a landline receiver

i can't take a ******* shower,
open a letter,
tie my shoes,
brew a coffee,
say a word,
skip a class,
put on lipstick,
breathe
for ****'s sake
without the weight
of your blue, cold body
cracking my chest

they pulled me out of
a seventh grade class room
to say,
"they took him off life support"

and i didn't ask questions
and i knew what that meant
and i fought back tears,
swallowed them,
this dry lump
in my throat
and i never spoke
of you again

i was so small

how could you

"we got a dud
i think she's broken"
i imagined those lines
dancing through my mom's mind

and i blinked hard
i cut deep
i stayed home
i stayed asleep

i wasn't a normal kid,
it wasn't easy to hide

defined by death
answering to your crimes

you took your life
but you may as well have
taken mine

Good morning,
It's a beautiful day
to romanticize my own death

Good morning,
My brain is doing this
Brand new ****** up thing
And it's hardly 8 AM

I used to know how to float
Now I'm drowning

I used to know how to keep my distance
Now my feet are dangling over the edge

And I have this constant feeling in my stomach
Like I'm already falling

And I'd ask you to talk me down
But we haven't been talking

And I'd ask you to hold my hand
But you can't reach me
From where I've been hiding

I don't know
What it is
About this bed
That's begun to feel
Like a coffin

I drink coffee at night
And pills in the morning

I am tired
But not for a
Lack of sleeping

My dad has a doctorate degree
In civil law

I'm 22 and a freshman
With very little direction

I've been disappointed in myself for so long
But I haven't done much to change it

I thought maybe yoga
Would enlighten me
But I don't like the way
My body looks
When it bends

I thought maybe
A boy could save me
From feeling ugly
But he doesn't like they way
My body looks
When it bends

And he doesn't say it

He doesn't say much at all

But I could tell,

I was born intuitive

And I've been trying
Lately
To shake it

Cause everyone's thoughts
Are cold and painful

And I don't wanna see them
Anymore

I get paid
to bathe people,
to feed them,
to do their laundry,
And to make them smile,
But they still tell me
Right before they fall asleep
At night,
Right before I finally get
To leave them,
That I'm going to Hell
For the pictures in my skin
That I thought I needed
When I got them

I just wanna love something

I just wanna feel loved sometimes

There's a broken heart
on my right bicep
With a banner through it
That reads "myself"
And I'd say it's pretty honest

I've been breaking my own heart
Since I learned how to be
Introspective
When I was eight

I've been breaking my own heart

I just wanna be kind
To myself
And to the boy
Who holds me
And to the friends
Who call me
And to the family
Who supports me

I just wanna be kind
To my mind
And to my body

Show me how
To be decent

I'm so cruel
Anymore