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Cassie Nov 2020
Your face lit up
When I agreed
To read the scholarly books you read
When I nodded my head to whatever your opinions be

But it seems
When I disagree
Perhaps read something along the lines of raw poetry or fantasy
It appears that you no longer have respect for me

You point out grammatical errors in raw poetry
Tell me fantasy isn't reality
As if those are the only respectable things
Grammatical correctness and reality

Mr. English Professor,

Did no one teach you how to read between the lines?
Cassie Oct 2020
I've never felt such a great depression and oddly, a calm acceptance in my life.

I won't bring children here if they are bound to be the same.

Suffer the same.

How could I know for sure this will be their fate?

But, also, if I truly love them, how could I even risk it?

I never imagined life without raising a family

But I refuse to make little souls suffer for my dream.

Excuse my French, but ******* anxiety.
I get crippling anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. Even on a normal day I'm a pretty anxious person. I don't know how I could live with myself if I passed this on to them. Almost every day is a struggle.
Cassie Oct 2020
Oh
I'm just so original
And quirky
And "not like the other girls"

Oh I'm just so sad,
So sad
So, so sad.
free writing, so may not be my best.

I find myself at a stance between being too heavy and being too light.
Cassie Oct 2020
I am too easily moved.

Too easily intrigued
Horrified, overjoyed or disturbed

Too loving,
Too cold, too heated

Just give me a push and baby, I'm on my way.
Cassie Sep 2020
I want
a husband
a family
roots.

but it seems that just as much of the time I find myself dreaming of
living alone in the woods

a feather in the wind
Cassie Sep 2020
I'm sorry to myself for apologizing more than you do when you're the one who should be apologizing.

But you probably don't even remember what you should apologize for since you were drunk now that I'm realizing it, so I guess I can't hold you to those.

I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted of always being the bigger/more mature person with someone I should feel is my partner in this rocky life.

I've always felt like the rock in this relationship.

He sometimes has, but I always have been.

Just when I trust he is, he falls into his lying (about his addictions) and addictions again.

It's draining not to have someone very emotionally dependable.

I know its not his fault.

He has addictions, and mental troubles of his own.

So I never hold him to it, but I am personally feeling the weight of his meanness, his hopelessness.

And to know I can't stop being someone's rock or else they'll break even further than they already have when I already feel like I've broken and need help of my own is getting to be too much.

And I can't get help because I'm worried if people (a therapist or something like that) know he's an addict and I need help with my anxiety again someday CPS might check on us and see if he is a fit parent (if we ever have kids-that's a whole other discussion).

I feel stuck.

So, so stuck.

I don't know what to do anymore.

If he wouldn't get so angry with me I could deal with this so much better.

If we could fight this as a team.

Instead of me fighting for/against him.
I feel like this relationship is eating me alive but I love him too much to leave. I also know he's just misplacing his anger and doesn't even want to drink so I feel bad for even feeling this way towards him sometimes. And he says he doesn't think he'd be here if it wasn't for me. As I said, feeling very stuck.
Cassie Sep 2020
I'm sad I can't tell you

The lack of stability here has made it harder for me to get wet

Because it will just make things more unstable

And it will just make you feel bad, and drink more

And make me less wet

And so on,

And so forth.
I sometimes wonder if I'm writing from
My death bed.

And when I think this I scream to myself

"Get up you miserable *****!"

But its been two years

And I find myself in a different room but

Still sitting in the same position.
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