I don't want to write poetry anymore
I don't want to feel the need to
I just want to be me without feeling the need to explain myself (mostly for myself since nobody knows I have this site)
Just a thought
**** now is a place that once tasted a lot like heaven
I'm burning up in rays I once basked in
hypomania (self diagnosed) used to be fun honestly but now it's just really annoying and getting in the way of me being who I want to be
thoughts that prevent me:
get over it
get over yourself
It feels good to get these thoughts out at times but I'm scared in the wrong hands (with someone with a mind like mine), they could run through a person's mind almost like a negative mantra? But it's not true. You get over things in your own time and you're not a selfish/bad person for having a rough time.
And I also think getting these feelings out is important. Not only for me, but for people going through the same feelings so they don't feel so alone.
Maybe a bit ironic
That I've cared so much about having a perfect appearance in the past
That I am now completely uninterested in trying to look even presentable
If I cannot find the energy to put into looking my best
If I can't muster it, I put no energy in
Anything half-assed and I feel I look like a joke, and I feel more embarrassed than going makeupless
I know I'm being needlessly rough on myself
But at times, I think, not rough enough
It always seems to be a battle
Between polar opposites
I know I don't want to die
But how do I tell my parents I tried to do this to myself?
To do this to them?
I'll wake myself up every hour, on the hour, and eat sugar until I'm sick
Hoping I can correct for my purposeful lapse in judgement
And that I haven't killed the last bit of me that's set to keep me kickin'
Being (type 1) diabetic puts life so much into my own hands and I'm not sure yet if I'm mature/stable enough to have that sort of responsibility.
it feels like
the effort and love I put forth
is not reciprocated
but I know I too, need my breaks
I can't tell if I am being too forgiving
or too harsh
it feels like I give everything I have in me and receive little in return from the person who means most to me a lot of the time right now.
it's odd to think
some people love cherries, or rainy days, or the quiet
and others despise those things
how can some people hate what others love, and vice versa?