I saw bars around me and thought "prison"
Just realized it was a cradle
And I could climb out whenever I decided to
I refuse to, but
I want to drink very much at the moment
There is something about the dulling of my senses that helps make me feel more present
Finally, not feeling overstimulated
Distracted by my own morbid imagination
I just want to be normal
And sometimes it feels like it's the magic potion
But I know it's really poison
So I refuse to sip
(But goodness can I hear that clock tick, reminding me of every moment I waste white knuckling through the present)
I am tired of smiling
I am always looking for something to smile for
Any respite from this brain
But just as much because maybe it'll make others happy too
But the corners of my mouth are cramping
Cramping into a grimace
And I am tired of grimacing
I am tired of myself
I love you more than I've ever loved anything.
And I love very, very hard.
I will stand by your side no matter what tides come.
No matter how strong.
But if me leaving will make you better
I will do anything for you.
But just know I will never find anyone else.
I will wait for you forever.
I would rather die alone than with someone who isn't you by my side.
I wish I could make you understand
How much I trust you
But also how much I love you
And how much I worry
When you slur your words
or your "tells" come out.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to accuse you but I don't want to let you slip back into being addicted to something
I wish I had the brain and the heart to sleuth it out.
But I'm too tired right now.
And I am so sorry for the both of us.
That body wash
Used to be the only kinds I used
Now I can't stand the smell of them
I thought maybe it was because they reminded me of you
But I just realized it's because
They reek of a time I was trying so hard to bloom while I was wilting
I hate how I feel so unlistened to at times
Yet sometimes I'm so focused on being listened to
That I don't listen to others
Why can't I understand others are probably doing the same thing (I can later- but in real time)