Oh, my love
you just need a hug
you wouldn't hurt a bug
I'm sorry, so sorry, love

it's time to live life
you deserve a happy light
a sun that makes your day bright
don't worry, I'll be alright

I'm so proud of you
you know that, right?
I love your smile
it's always so bright

Your laugh makes me laugh
your tears make me cry
I want-no, need you to go
I won't be left behind

We'll keep in touch
you need this rush
Your happiness is at risk
You gotta make the jump

You won't blow this
Please, stand your ground
I know you want this
don't lose your nerve now

You want this so bad
I know you need it
I don't want you to be sad
Don't you dare leave it

Your beauty will shine
Your face will glow
your smile will radiate
your talent, you'll know

I love you so much
I believe in you
You're gonna make this
You're gonna make you.

My dearest savior,

       Do you know what you've done?
       You've kept me from his fun.

       I never thought you'd hear it
       But here it is from my lips.

    Thank you.

    I love you.

       I'll never forget
       The moment of freedom.
       I'll never forget
       How you kept me from regret.

     You never helped me love myself.
  That was someone else.

     You never helped me get through pain.
  It was another yet again.

       But, my dearest savior,
       You helped me forget the present.

          One minute and twenty-one seconds of silly conversation
          Results in hours of peace in my mind.

    Thank you.

    I love you.

Yours Truly.

So many reminders

So many temptations

How could I do this?!

How dare I blow it all again?!

If it weren't for you

I'd be in shreds

Unfortunately

I still want to

As the noose of pain
begins to strangle her neck
the strings of her guitar
vibrate as they come to help

She's not sure what's happening.
It's all so **** confusing.
Her life flashed before her eyes
but this instrument helps her realize

She never understood
how to get herself out.
This music is good
it's the water in the drought

They'll never know
how much it means to her
to run plastic across steel
the rhythm of her earth

she can never explain
at least not fully
how it calms her soul
though they always wonder

to her it's that feeling
of eyes closing after long days
that beautiful feeling
of beings able to look past that gaze

it's like trying to say
the exact feeling of the way
you live and love and stay
alive and safe

don't you know
she can't tell you everything
it's not a to and fro
she's incapable of some things

this separation is difficult
don't you feel
how she just wants to scream and yell?
but instead, she, herself, steels

she shuts herself off
and begins to strum through
every note on the scale
just so she won't cry and wail

leave her be
please, just go
listen between the words you hear
look between the cracks you broke

Not everything is what it seems
but sometimes as you can see
everything that happens
is exactly what it seems to be

I miss you
I miss the gleaming smile
And the way you shine
I miss our old life
Take me back
To all my old ways
Let me get lost
In my own gaze
You were always there
Caressed me when I hurt
How do I repay you?
I throw you in the dirt.
I'm sorry
I miss you
Please come back

It’s so beautiful.

It’s mesmerizing.

It’s art.

And now I can’t do it

and I’m going crazy.

I want it so much.

Why can’t I just create one more painting?

One more piece of art?

Just one.

I don’t want to be a forgotten artist.

First, you feel the cool against your fingers.
     Let yourself calm down.
     Everything will be ok.

Next, comes reluctant defiance as you move closer and closer.

And then


Contact. The point meets flesh


Add a little pressure and adrenaline does the rest.


Your fingers twitch, you feel a scratch.


Now just watch, sit back. Relax.


You see the pure, white innocence


Soon, it's gone. Covered by red.


The white line turns crimson, and the shame fills your head.

But you don't care.


You continue to watch the mesmerizing show.


It's delicious and sick, watching it flow.


You feel the pain, you know it's there

     it's part of the experience
     there's no more hesitance.


Now the red runs down

It meets the clear water

And that beautiful droplet twirls and dances until there's nothing left to see.


And so you repeat.




And then





The defeat.

I feel butterflies when he walks into the room
Lightning smiles, ******* kiss, contagious confidence
His hard head and his restraint, I took for strength
And I found warmth where he touched
And it was nice to let someone else drive for once.

I feel butterflies as soon as he walks in
Verbal daggers, fierce defense, "well, so he's passionate"
My mistakes, he said he'd take with grace
But he took some warmth away
And it's worth the sacrifice to stay by his side
Because it's easier to let him drive.

I feel butterflies when he walks into the room
Phantom wings, glass to feet, maybe I don't know
My own fault, he said I'm being crazy
Maybe I'm ridiculous
But even though he gets rough
I only feel warmth where he touched
And I don't think I remember how to drive

I feel nothing when he walks into the room
Dusty squares, empty walls, open closet shelves barren
My absence, he never saw it coming
I spent decades afraid of losing all his weight
And I had nothing left
So I took the car for a drive

the light is so far away
but I hear the train so near
I scream, but the horn is blaring
but why are you all just staring?
The ropes tighten as I struggle
my half-hearted efforts are useless
when can I be released?
when can I finally breathe?
are you finished yet?
My eyes are forced to close forever with the sand of your storm
introspective roaring
my brain is imploding
I'm going the wrong way on this mountainous escalator
I'm just so tired
the exhaustion is overwhelming
everything I used to do
I now do for you
but you don't even know
I can only offer my condolences
but I can't rewire my head
it's all set.
I'm dead.

Where have you gone?
You've left me so cold.
I have no one
with which to grow old.

How did it come about
The loneliness I feel?
Where do I turnabout
To make it dust from my heels?

I'm looking for a sign.
I'm looking for an answer.
I feel so confined.
I'm locked behind bars.

The prison has provisions.
The prison has no life.
The prison gives me vision.
The prison has more strife.

I have this feeling of dread.
It's overwhelming me.
It makes me want to be dead.
I'm tired of the things I see.

I'm sick of *******.
I'm sick of lies.
I'm tired of hiding
From every eye.

I want to laugh.
I need to cry.
It shouldn't be so hard
To show an emotional side.

It's 1 in the morning
And I can't sleep
Because I'm finally realizing
You never cared about me

You used me
Just like everyone else
I'm everyone's best friend
Only when convenient for them

You're bailing and flaking
Not seeing me crying and shaking
I don't know what I did
But I'm ******* tired of it.

I'm sick of never going anywhere
Because I'm stuck being
A footstool and doormat
Hardwood, and carpet.

I'm your couches and chairs.
You take what you want
Then leave me there
Call me crazy, but how is that fair?

Your gift of the soul
can never be matched
When I fall in a hole
You help me come back

You give me the chance
to stand on my own
I fall in a trance
from the light you've shown

You give me the words
I so need to hear
I don't need to work
to know I have your ear

Your gift of love
could never be replaced
Like a beautiful dove
I'll give you the stage

You give me heart
You give me soul
You save me every day
And I really hope you know

Where did you go?
Living your dream
You seem so happy
Did you forget about me?

I hope you did
I was holding you back
You were so worried
You just need to laugh

I want you gone
I want you happy
Though I could use a hug
Every now and again

You don't need me
I'm the dust on your feet
I'm baggage you never needed
Shake me off and leave

You're better than me
You don't need this
You deserve the best
Not this burning nest

So I'll see you around
In my dreams I'll love you
In my mind I'll keep you near
But you will forever be free of me

You make me twitch into motion
I let go for the first time
You give me dreams
Make my smile gleam
You run through my veins
And play in my heart
You tease my senses
And make me feel

Talk me from my tears
I'm lost in your melody
Your picture puts a spell in me
Magicaly tranquil in its glory
I try to match the outside in
My soul wants to sing
But it's hard to be heard
When you're so far away

Tonight ain't the first
But I know it's not the last
I know it must end
But our affair is my friend
These are my controls
Run by my impulse
Tricking me into love
But it fits like a glove

And, God, it feels good
To let go and then blend in
Pretned it didn't happen
No one saw and it never did

I'm useless
You don't need me.
I'm not even a part
of this family.

I don't stand out.
I'm nothing special.
I'm your roundabout.
My presence isn't colossal.

I don't belong.
I shouldn't be here.
You all get along
So well without me.

I guess I'll go.
You won't have to know
Who I am or where I'll be
To know the me I let you see.

I should be happy

Today was a good day
  like objectively a good day
  like, on paper, a good day

I should be happy
Today good things happened
  better things than yesterday
    or last week
    or last month
    or the last 6 months

I should be happy

But why do I feel like I'm moving my feet through water just to slow them down?
Like I'm looking through cotton just to see where I'm going
Like I'm laughing to prove my smile is bigger than it is
Like even breathing is made harder by the sheet over my lips
  parachuting into my mouth with every breath.
I swear

I should be happy

You let it slice through your soul
You let it punch through a brick wall
You let it tear out every hair on your head
You let it break you down to the ground

You let it in and spit it back out
You move past it without a doubt
You scratch through the surface
You want something deeper

You don't want to die
So you sit there and lie
It begins to show through
You begin to lose you

All your friends try to do the impossible
You pull away though they mean well
You sit alone in your room
You hate the world but with no proof

You just want to give it all up
You don't want to talk it all out
What even is there to talk about?
"I have no problem, no lie, no doubt"

They say you don't deserve it
But you know the truth
There is absolutely nothing special
Inside of you

My gaze sweeps over the streets of the muse of our spirit.
The men click their heels.
The women dance to their ancestors' beat.
The children clap and keep their time.
We live in a swirl of our own past.
Fields and crops
Love and loss.
We remember
We live on.

As much as she pushes him away,
He just won't get it.
Can't he see
how desperate she is?

She can't take much more of this:
He doesn't seem to care.
He's having his fun
forcing her to the gun

She doesn't know
what else she can do.
He just won't leave;
She's begging him please

Someone help her.
Shove him back.
She can't do it alone,
her efforts falling slack

Listen to the wind
Look through holes in the screen
she's there looking in
trying to hear her own screams

She swears it will be over soon,
Her pain will ebb away.
But are her words true?
Or will he continue to play?

I give my life to You
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
I give up myself to do Your will.
Give me the strength to bend but not break
Help me to give Your name its own deserving fame.
I love You
I serve You
I believe.
Amen.

You make me sick:
Your happiness.
You're blinding me
In your sea of eternity.

It's disgusting
What I'm feeling.
I wish I could take it back,
But it's already blooming.

It's the elephant in the room.
It's in the center;
Shadow looming over
Yet we ignore it.

"Well, you're going to die anyway."

My name is but a twisted heart
Does is beat when you speak?
It's mangled and broken
Will it still beat when you speak?
I only live to please
I spend my life on my knees
and yet I'm nothing but ******
Listen to my name beat
without rhythm
without rhyme
I never look to the skies
Because the dead grass has leashed my eyes
and I'll never show a smile
because my lips can only point down
I listen to this song to know I'm not alone
I wish I were on your tongue
but, yes, I know that under the art
My name is but a twisted heart.

Where are we?
I can't see
Can you hear me?
I can't breathe
In this world of make believe
You're in me
You're what I need
Think you know, baby?
You've scratched the surface
Time to dig deep
Take down my screen
See my world for real
Quick, before it's sealed
Take the bait and leave
You've got what you need
Now give me what I crave

I don't need scars to prove I have a beating heart
and I don't need lines to make me divine
My life is just beginning
and the world won't stop spinning
Look up at the sun
and see that we are one
my palms are wet
my eyes are sweating
but my mind is racing through every setting.
Time won't give you a second to breathe
You have to make a move and not fall off your seat
Listen to what the wise man said back then
"You're more than your scars and the tools used to make them."

I'm scared

I don't want to be here.

I'm terrified.

I don't want to leave.

I'm alone.

I don't want anyone.

I'm sad.

I just want a hug.

I swear to you

I really didn't mean to

But, now we've hurt you

Please

**** me, too.

With a noose closing her throat
Blooding running from her wrists
She's prepared to take her final breath

Then she remembered
What she never wanted to forget
She cried and screamed
And fought the regret

This life was hers to take
But she knows she wants to live
Somewhere deep inside
She knows what it's like to be loved

She got down from her chair
And didn't want to move
But mom knew.

Shipped off, she began to learn what to live for.

Homecoming, her new skills are put to the test
She thinks maybe it's all been put to rest.

Mom doesn't know how  to filter
Her jokes taunting
With the ***** looks and "don't **** yourself"s
It's really no wonder why
She's afraid of the time.

So now she has a bad day
Breaks down for a moment

No hugs or "better luck next time"

Shipped off again like a package you didn't want

Is this how you treat your only daughter?

They set their expectation
She said "boy, are you mistaken"
"Just watch me" drive through the picket line

They said she couldn't do it
She'd say ain't nothing to it
"Just watch me" walking straight into the sky

We have been here before
On the hospital floor
I'll be sleeping right there next to you

You know that we're all scared
That you won't know we're there
Because you can't open your eyes like you do

Can you hear me?
Do you know I'm here?
Can you feel me?
When I whisper in your ear?
I'm here
I'm here

They say wait
Oh wait for me
She can't wait
She's got somewhere to be

Can you hear me?
Do you know I'm here?
Can you feel me?
When I whisper in your ear?
She's gone
She's gone

The day the rumors of my secret touched your ears,
They ripped apart everything you knew.
How could there have been so much pain
Hidden behind crinkled eyes and a metal-mouthed smile?
So much pain that my own flesh and blood had no clue.
Yet all I did was comfort you.
Daddy's chin wobbled as he told me
How scared he was because he couldn't save me.
Tears ran down his face
While he crushed my lungs and cracked my spine
And I feel like dying because
You're not supposed to see your dad cry.
Momma's cheeks were wet when she told me of her insecurities
And how she saw herself in me
And she sobbed because she thought it was all her fault.
I traced my body's lines
Because you're not supposed to see your mom cry.
You both came rushing in
Momma begging Daddy to wait.
I slowly lifted my sleeve
You both began to weep
Momma whipped questions around
Without bothering to wait for an answer
Daddy stayed quiet, not knowing what to do.
I was trying to force my chest to breathe as I looked at you two.
I felt my blood like cubes of ice
Because you're not supposed to see your parents cry.
I let you hold my hand
I let you squeeze my head to your chests.
And I'm so sorry I let you down
I'm sorry I lied when I said I'm alright
Because I know for a fact
You're not supposed to see your mom cry.

A thousand tears will fall from a 12 year old's suicide.
Why couldn't they say he was beautiful before he died?
And will they really wish they'd known him better?
Or are they proud of what they've done?
Because he's done exactly what they said he was best at.
And how did no one notice?
And how did no one care?
How can they do nothing about that breeding ground
For ******* and mental illness?
How can you let those deep pockets distract you from children's pain?
When did politics become more important than emotional safety?
And how can we turn this all around?
How do you make the world realize how far it's fallen
When it refuses to look down?
They'll never see how close we are to the ground.
We can dig in our heels,
But without an army
We will only be dragged and broken in half.

Every night
I relive your words
These clouds aside
You give me comfort

No idea what I'd do
If I'd never had you
But all I ask
if for you to stay through

Through the tears
Through the laughter
Through the pain
And the happiness I'm after

I awake to the screaming
That fills the house.
I hate the fighting and seething.
it kills me now.

Don't you see
What it's doing to me?
Don't you know
How to leave things be?

I'm scared- no
"Terrified" is the word.
Next sign of trouble
I'm off like a bird.

I'll take flight
Leave in the night
I can't take your fights.
I'm in such a fright.

And the silence after
Is so petrifying.
I'm trying to understand
But it's such an unreachable feat.

And now it's done.
The tension is so thick
As we all pretend
It didn't happen.

I don't know who I want to be
I go to Target to pick out new identities
   try them on in a humid fitting room
   try not to pop the seams before I buy
   try to peel them off when they don't fit just right

The ones I fall in love with are always out of stock
Or only available at the high end up the block

I'm a broken soul
Broken and bruised.
I just want to be whole
Instead of self abused.

I'm alone right now
Afraid of my brain,
Trying to learn how
To cope with my pain.

I need you to know
How lucky I feel
To have ever met you,
To know you're here.

But still I'm lost
In my life's grand journey.
To the side I've been tossed
And I fell to a gurney.

But the doctors can't fix
What's inside your head.
It just precious tricks.
They pretend with the meds.

I tell them it's worked.
I say that it's helping.
But I still have urges;
I'm still feeling crazy.

I'm alone in my mind,
Though not in my pain.
I just want to grind
My life down the drain.

I feel so stupid.
You're not oblivious.
But I'm in love still,
although it's ridiculous.

Living to love and loving to live
Are complete different entities.
I cannot explain how different they are
Without showing you every scar.
Things are so different up in my head.
Grateful for the days I don't get out of bed
So here's to the kids who live to love
But are so ******* ready to just give up
I'm right with you, so I have no advice
Don't think you're the only one suffering
You have an entire family
But here's to the kids who hate to live
Life is crazy, I know I know
But death is forever, so please don't let go.
Live in the now, don't forget the past
Listen to your heart
Because now doesn't last
Soon, tomorrow will be today
And you won't know what to say
So live to love and soon enough
Every day you get, you will love to live.

I want to be alone right now
with nothing but my thoughts
Nobody here can ever know
exactly what I've fought
I always try
but never do
Leaving you all behind
words and thoughts
leave their marks
but no one can see
these scars upon my heart
they say people will always feel
what you do for yourself
but is that still true
when I only feel hatred for me, too
I'll never know what it's like
to completely love myself
but at least I can see
who knows the truth
and who only ever sees the lie

You are so loved
Everything you do
I fall more for you
And now I wonder

How do you feel about me?
What do you think of me
When I'm not there?
What is there to keep you here?

I can't help but to think
You're far too good for me
You're living your dream
I just continue to bleed

You were my bandage
You held me tight
You protected me
Through my darkest nights

You loved me
You cared
You helped me
You were there

Here I sit
Writing you down
Sifting through this ****
Before it all comes pouring out

You passed me to another
Like food upon a plate
You took one bite of me
Then threw me away

I trusted you
I held you so dear
I don't want to hear it
I'm covering my ears

I'm done, we're through
Please, leave me be
Just let me die
Like a bird in the sea

"How was your day?" He asks.

"Up and down," I say. "How about yours?"

He goes on to write me a paragraph about how he hit traffic on the way to work and then work was fine but he had to do some extra cleaning to make up for his coworker showing up late and then he went home and did his volunteer work and his roommate's cat did something cute.

Then he stops.

I respond to each part of his recap. I'm glad he told me and I'm happy to listen.

But I don't say "Aren't you going to ask me to elaborate?"
I don't say "I set you up to ask me again."
I don't say "Don't you care about why my day was 'up and down'?"

I don't say this because then he would ask me again.
But I don't want him to ask me again because I asked him to ask me.
I just want him to ask me.
I know he already asked me.
I don't know why, but I need him to ask me twice.

Blame it on the way I was raised.
Blame it on him not knowing how to have a conversation.
I didn't even know this was bugging me until I was writing this down.

We never have conversations.
We both just make comments and then return to silence.
He doesn't know how to ask questions
And I won't allow myself to say anything unless directly requested.

So I leave my hints and he doesn't take them.
I make my jokes, and he just chuckles like he's trying make a bad comedian feel better.

He asks me how my day was and I say it was up and down and he doesn't ask me what happened.
I know he meant that in the first question.

I don't know why I need to be asked twice.

Where is this going?
We're moving way too fast.
I only have time to think
"This moment will not last."

I told you that
I miss you.
You said that
You do, too.

You say you waited,
Looked all over.
Why is it when
I look, you're not there?

You say these perfect words;
You're such a sweet talker.
I listen so desperately,
Lo and behold, again, I believe.

You say you don't want
To lose someone through the cracks,
But now I'm the one
Falling off your lap.

I want you to catch me
But your hands pull back.
You seem so disgusted
By everything I lack.

But now he's here;
Listens when I hurt.
He catches every tear
Where you left me in the dirt.

I wish I could trust.
I wish I could believe.
But when I cry, I'm hushed.
I'm scared of silences you leave.

You're still in my heart;
Still in my soul.
You still saved my life,
That much we know.

You'll always own a piece of me,
No matter how big this family.
I know you still care,
But no longer are you there.

In the silence of this night
you’ll never know what I fight
bleed out these evils
rid yourself of the poisons
you keep on knocking
but no one’s there
desperation triggers adrenaline
nothing can stop me now
I just ignore the daggers
because I know it’s all a dream
I can’t even die
and what would it be like
to be able to practice
your final act of being alive?
dying in your sleep
but still able to wake up
still able to see the morning sun
those thoughts just load the gun
I shouldn’t think these things that pop up
I should try to filter my brain
but why?
when nothing can filter the pain
just watch me fade away
all this is just part of that fight
that I fight every night
silence is a beautiful thing

The way you never fail me
is absolutely amazing.
You're always there
to catch me when I fall.

I get a hug through this melody.
You're my inspiration; my encouragement.

You believed in me.
You listen to me
Like they're the last words you'll hear.
You look at me as if I'm not failing.

You are the beat of my heart
and the sound of my guitar,
Everything I love
You keep me from falling apart

When I'm pretty:

Maybe I'll be happy
Maybe he'll love me
Maybe they'll see me
    instead of through me
Maybe they'll care
Maybe they won't forget me
Maybe I won't have to be so funny
    if only I could be pretty

But who am I kidding?
I'll never be pretty.

The fear of the unknown
caused by self-inflicted anxiety
eventually leads to a
hunger for success
through the music of your voice
you see past my pretenses.

I am determined
It will not cross my mind.
I will not be controlled
By a sliver of metal.

I am beautiful.
I am incredible.
I am worth endless amounts of love.
I will smile.

I am human.
I am strong.
I am not made of wood.
I do belong.

I am here for a purpose.
I know where I'm headed.
I will be a success.
Today I'll begin living.

I invite you to join me.
Together we'll find joy.
It's been such a long while
Since I've seen you smile.