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5.7k · Jul 2022
Dysmorphia (12/23/2019)
The mirror mocks my every move
Every lump I try to smooth
The mirror cons me of my happiness
Knot in my throat, stuck like this

Dysmorphia

I feel the corners of my mouth
Like they're tied to the ground
I try to fix it, try to heal
I try to replace it, the shame I feel

Dysmorphia

Feeling visceral
Indescribable
If only I could find
Something comparable

Dysmorphia
1.7k · Jan 2012
Insecurities
My insecurities
They have the best of me.
Not sure what I can do
But I just keep pushing through.

Your words are my raft
In this sea of hate and doubt.
You help me cry and laugh.
I'm in a rut but with you I can get out.

My love is strengthened.
My belief is restored.
I'm learning not to bend.
These words are what I hoard.

And even when you leave,
This help will not be deceased.
I'll always have this care.
I'll never forget the way we were.
1.4k · Jan 2013
Semi-Colon
When you have the choice between a semi-colon and a period
Which would you choose?
If the period were made of the tears of friends,
Would you still reach for an end?
Because I would rather reach an exclamation point
than the question marks of those who didn't know me.
I would rather a second chance to break rules and fix mistakes
Than to end before I can complete my...
1.4k · Mar 2012
Fortune Teller
My heart is beginning to smile
as I feel the love of people
I had no clue
there were so many of you.
Now I see
and I bleed
the clearest of tears.
You don't know
how much you've saved
my body, mind, soul
and et cetera.
I still can't believe
the way you talk to me
You're beautiful.
You create beauty.
Beauty in me.
Beauty in music.
Beauty in words.
Beauty in my soul.
I don't know
where it comes from.
But I guess it's there
somewhere
in there.
How do you do that?
How did you know?
What did you see
Way inside of me?
First of four poems that I wrote during my time in a mental hospital...
1.3k · Jan 2012
Perfectionist
Why are you so perfect?
Please, please teach me
You always know what to say
How do you do that?

It flows from your lips
like Niagara Falls
I drink it in sips
Then take a big gulp

You tell me what I need to know
I take it in, but I never show
1.3k · Mar 2012
Rebirth
Tick tock
Watch the hands race around the clock.
You mark the time
by the reflection on a dime.
red, black, red, red, black, red.
Connect them together
I win again.
Forget about my past
Immersed in rebirth

Sleeping.
    Sitting.
        Bored.

Talking.
    Listening.
        Tears.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What should I see?

I look at the mirror,
She looks back at me.
Not the girl with fear in her eyes.
Not the girl controlled by insignificant slivers.

Instead the girl with the ginger hair.
The girl who plays above the stairs.
The girl with confidence.
The girl up there.

See the smile?

See the joy?

She's back.
3/4 of my hospital stay poems.
1.3k · Mar 2014
How do you know? -(2/6/13)
How do we really know
That we are good people?
How do we know
If God is smiling?
Is He really there?
Or are we just alone;
Out on our own?
Is it debatable or fact?
Or a debatable fact?
Or is this all just to give Him a good laugh?
How can anyone be so sure?
We are so imperfect
Who are we to be confident?
Are we really that self-important?
What if everything's backwards
And we're all hanging in the balance
Upside down, faces cherried
Cuffed by the toes
Left with no hope.

What if you're wrong?
1.3k · Apr 2012
Pretense of Perfection
We all have this pretense of perfection.
No one wants to believe in flaws.

We are pushed to be perfect.
Pushed so hard.
Pushed too far.

Reaching perfection
Is like touching the sky.

Always the goal
Not ever probable.

Many think that perfection is a dream.
Instead, it's a nightmare.

A nightmare we wake up crying from.

Love is the beginning and the end.

Perfection is a nice image
But never believe that it will happen.

Every day we get closer to perfection
And yet, we will never be as close
As we are right now.
1.2k · Feb 2012
Strumming Drums
Strum

Strum

Time to tune up

Play a little harder til the coils spring up.

Play

     Sing

          Scream

Pound out the rhythm.

Make sure they all hear.

It's your last chance.

Your last cry for help.

Don't listen to them say:

     "you're sick. Go to hell."

Believe

     Walk

          Sing

Twist

     Pour

          Swallow

Black.


Rest.



Peace.
It's a mess but it's what I was feeling.
1.2k · Mar 2012
Insanity
Let me start
by setting the scene.
Look around.
They're not what they seem.

I've grown to know them,
grown to love them.
I learned to show them,
had to help them.

You learn to listen.
You learn to not judge.
In this hospital of sorts,
you see you're not alone.

There's the Angry,
the Sad,
the Scared,
the Mad

However.

We're not crazy.
Try to see their past.
No one's really as different
As the name taped on their back.
2/4 of my mental hospital poems.
1.2k · Mar 2012
Disgust
Lock the muzzle
On that stupid mutt.
Don't let it cry.
Keep It shut.

If it makes a sound,
Kick it down.
Just pop it hard,
Right on the snout.

Master knows best.
Master above pet.
If it scratches the door,
Slam its foot.

"Don't you whine!"

"Don't you cry!"

"I swear to God!"

"You whimper, you die!"

That dog is nothing
But a mouth to feed.
And if there's no food
Then there is no need.

Don't you dare.
Please, I beg.
Don't make a sound
Or you'll lose your head.
My thoughts scare me.
1.2k · Mar 2014
Bandit - (6/5/13)
Your green eyes light up the night in my dark room.
And in the shadows I can see you blink slowly to say:
"I love you. I'll keep you safe."
With your head on my shoulder,
My shuddering body calms, and the sobs subside
I can feel my tears drying as a striped tail keeps time.
Your growling cries fend off every intruding demon
And you ward off the devils in my brain.
I run my hand over your soft head and I'm no longer afraid.
You're the thief turned hero
The story of my success
You're the criminal at my rescue
You're the Bandit who stole my heart for safe keeping.
Wow, it's been a year since I was last on this site. I think I'll try it out again.
1.1k · Jan 2012
Beautiful
They are fading.
They were so beautiful.
I'm sadder than I should be.
They were so beautiful.
I should be so happy.
They were so beautiful.
They're almost gone completely.
They were so beautiful.
I'm really going to miss them.
They were so beautiful.
Their color is leaving.
They were so beautiful.
Although they're no longer bleeding.
They were so beautiful.
Feels like they are burning.
They were so beautiful.
Goodbye my old friends.
You were so beautiful.
I'll never forget
You were so beautiful
No matter how I try because
They were so beautiful.
Feedback would be appreciated.
Sometimes I think that my depression has me in a chokehold so
I pull off its mask only to find that it's been rage with no place to go

Where do you put rage that sneaks up on you?

Do you put it in a flowerpot only to wilt the calla lilies that it touches?
Do you put it in a collar and leash only for it to lunge at the first stranger to approach too quickly?
Do you hold it between your teeth so that it slowly dissolves on your own tongue until every strawberry tastes like grape leaves?

Maybe I'll just file it away
   on the top shelf where I keep my winter coats in Texas.
Then, years from now, when I pack up to move to the mountains, it will topple over and smother me.
Maybe then I'll finally leave it behind
   in the pile of things too broken to donate to Goodwill.
prompted by On the Road by Jack Kerouac
1.1k · Apr 2013
She's Tired
Cut into her skin to see what she’s made of

    Her bones shake with noise

    Her heart beats a rhythm

    Her blood flows to a melody that escapes

        with every slice of her vein

Though they say she’s beautiful

They don’t see the scars of battle

    There is no peacetime in this war.

She’s tired.

They say “keep fighting”

    but they don’t know

        that she gave up long ago

You see, there is a monster that can’t be killed.

It will win in the end

No matter how much she puts in.

This is no fight.

It is a bloodbath

    There is no coming back.

Capsules unload down her throat and her eyes close

She’s tired.

She swallows the poison with no hesitation

    and lays on her bed

        whiskey by her head.

She never knew the appeal of the drink

    but figured it would do the trick.

All she ever wanted in life was the sleep when she was sick.

They told her she was born with illness in her mind

    and too much compassion.

They said she should look out for herself

    so she looked into her heart

She saw the exhaustion and knew what to do.

She fell asleep and will never come to.
Feedback would be appreciated.
993 · May 2012
Striped Smiles
Your smile lights up my whole life
When I look in your eyes, it's like
I'm flying through a dusty sea
When I catch your waves, you see me
It's as if you already know me
Our brains are alike
And so are we
I look in my soul
And I see
You and me
Will you understand, please?
I know, I know, I know
I'm so sorry.
And when you look at me
It's me who can't breathe
Now I'm the claustrophobia
And you're the door for me to leave
And you can see right through me
I really can't explain it
Our brains are alike
And so are we.
I wrote this into a song a week ago. Now it makes me sad...
It seems as though every minute is a life changing moment.
One second, everything's ok; it's just an off day.
The next, there is death in the air.
I wish I could hold you forever,
Protect you from all the things you feared.
But instead, I felt your heart quit its beat.
I can't believe I still have tears left to cry.
I can't believe that I haven't shriveled up and died.
You're still floating in the air; in my clothes; you're everywhere.
My guardian angel, you were there.
You loved me, you cared.
You showed up when I need help, you had a halo
Now I've grown, so it's time for you to go home.
933 · Mar 2012
Give Me a Roadmap
How did I get here?
Where did I turn wrong?
When will I find the map back home?

Who to turn to
     When your arms are long gone.

Your whispers fading with distance

I just can't make myself believe.
Like an Israelite, I need tangibility.
I need constant proof.

My fort of safety drove off in a van.
The love of my life is now a man.
921 · Jul 2022
Untitled (8/18/2021)
Walking through the deserted night, I descend into the valley and reserve my strength.
I come across a man. His eyes won't focus and his tongue trips over his pretty words.
He says "I would be yours if you do me this one favor."
He says "I am so parched, I couldn't give my love without a small sip." I offer him my canteen since I have a sip to spare.
But he pours what I offer into his own reservoir,
does not drink it, and then asks for more.
But I had no more to spare. Only enough for a small sip for myself.

So I continue on up the hill before me and I know I must pace myself.
I meet a girl with lines on her arms and X's on her legs.
She says she met that man down below and he gave her these scars.
She says "now I'm lost. But once I'm found, I can give you the love you desire. Could you do me this one favor and help me find my way?"
So I ask where she is hoping to go.
She says she wants the man in the valley.
She says she's sure so I lead her back to him and she screams:
"You never wanted to help me, did you?!"
She rages at me and snatches my canteen only to swallow down the last drops.
I run. Up the mountain again.

I find a boy singing to himself.
He says I can sit with him until I catch my breath.
So I do, and I ask him questions and he makes me laugh.
He says my laugh sounds like a song he never wants to end.
So he kisses me and his lips taste like sand to my dry tongue.
But I kiss him back anyway and he falls through my fingers and flies away on the wind. I crawl away, choking on the dryness in my lungs.

As I reach the top of the mountain, I collapse.
My chapped lips against the dewy grass.
A hand gently touches my shoulder and I watch as they fill my canteen from their own and we are both full.
869 · Mar 2014
Holly- (9/22/13)
Holly
Please don't lose yourself in his head
I know you love him
I love him too
But we are not crutches.
Holly
You can't keep this inside
You'll crumble from the inside out
Holly
You need to take time to breathe
Take a step so you can really see
Holly
If your mouth works,
You have an obligation to speak for what's right.
Holly
If you have a chance to keep him alive
You take it
You hear?
You take it!
Until then
Don't let yourself drown in it.
Oh, and Holly?
Remember to love you too
Like I love you.
825 · Mar 2013
Talk to a Wall
All this deceiving is getting far too easy
All my white lies are stacking up like spies
Who can I trust in this world of lust?
Who listen as if it's a given

So go talk to a wall, get hugs from a waterfall
Here it all goes down the drain and you will be ok
Just kick up the floor, it's doesn't matter anymore
You are the boss of it here, and I will lend you my ear

Just listen for my sign, we be alright
Together we can and will fight
We will win before the night
We all know what it's like to not need anyone
But I bet you need me now and I'll be there somehow

Just listen to the clock because time knows best
Find your clock and don't let it stop
I realized I hadn't ever put this one up.
The polka-dotted sidewalk,
beginnings of a rain-soaked street
The dampness of my socks means that my last pair of shoes have finally given out and left a hole in my soul

My gas light came on yesterday morning, so the wet socks will have to do, as I make my way to you

Eyes, then hands, then lips meet
Words pour, but I stop them short
Mental faucet, won't say more
The tap is too hot, and it always tastes the same

Pass it to you, I only play the game
But you see as I hide my ***** storm
You say "Don't cool off. I like your warmth"
prompted by Summertime Clothes by Animal Collective
786 · Jan 2012
Trapped
You're talking
You're talking

What if I can't say?

I'm listening
I'm listening

What if I don't hear?

I'm moving
I'm moving

What if I want to stop?
Not sure about this one. Feedback?
780 · Oct 2012
Auto-Pilot
Going through the motions of every day
Trying to make you all think I've changed my ways.
Living life stuck in this daze.
This maze.

How could you believe I changed my mind?
Have you met me? I'm not fine.
I don't believe I should even try
Not me. Not I.

All I've ever wanted to hear is what I tell you.
Yet no one gets the hint, they don't have a clue.
"Don't worry sweetie, it's nothing you do.
Would I lie to you?"

And as my fingers tremble with the ache of memories
I wish you were here to give my hand a squeeze.
If no one were around I'd drop to my knees
And Death I would plead.
After everything that's happened in the past few weeks, it's about time I turned it into something.
769 · Jul 2022
The Visit (7/7/2021)
i only meet you in my dreams
it's been 3 months since you left
i'm not sure if the voice i hear is yours or a distorted memory
does it matter?
when i can still hear you laugh?
when i know exactly what you would say and how?
i see how your hair glows in the moonlight
your eyes twinkle
mischievous in the dark
we meet in the place we both grew up
80 years apart
it's only for the night
the soft, moist, louisiana night
you taught me to drink honeysuckle
and how to be a good host
the life of the party is never truly gone
i can see you're getting tired
but i can't waste a moment
i don't know when we'll get another
don't say it!
i can't hear you say it!
but we both see the dawn
and we both know it's time
i won't say goodbye
so darlin'
until next time
762 · Mar 2014
Where is God? -(2/22/13)
Where is God in the killing of the innocent?
Where is He among the depression and addiction?
Where is He in the dark?
Where is He in the evil?
What about the selfishness and greed?
Where is He?

He's in the sunset and the rain.
He's in the comfort through the pain.
He's in this life and the next.
He's in your life and the rest.

Where is God is the hatred and abandonment?
Where is He in the bodies in the basement?
Where is He in the blood?
Where is He in the filth and the mud?
The destruction, the hurricanes, the crime?
Where's He been all this time?

He's in the grassy hills and plains.
He's in the moss and the sugar cane.
He's in your favorite song or dream.
He's in the smoothest ice cream.
He never left.
712 · Jul 2022
Coming Home (7/1/2020)
It's a summer day, dad is coming home
How long he's been away, I don't really know
It's me and mom, he won't be long
He'll want to have his space
He walks through the door
We can't ignore the look upon his face

He says "what is this?"
He can't resist a shoe left out of place
He'll fuss and groan
I can't be home
I learn to stay away
It's not all bad, I'll give him that
But I sure can't remember the good
It feels so wrong, I know it won't be long
Until the shoe is on the other foot

It's a summer day, dad is coming home
How long he's been away, since 8:00 this morning
It's me and Will, we can't sit still
We see him through the window pane
He walks through the door
We can't ignore the look upon his face

He says "what is this?"
He can't resist a hundred snowflakes
We stapled them around the room
He said he likes it better this way
It's not all good, I never said it would
But I would choose you any day
Because you find a way to make things okay
Even when you feel out of place

If I am me because of a family tree,
that's alright with me.
But you are you in spite of the things you knew
And that's a testament to you.
For my dad
704 · Jul 2022
Baby (3/22/2021)
15 days and 15 nights I kept you right here by my side
Through the darkness, hunger, and ice
I miss your hand on my back
I want your head on my chest
I want your lips on my neck
I want your voice whispering
"Do you like that?"
I like that

15 days and 15 nights I kept you right here by my side
But ****, my bed feels cold tonight

Oh no, I love you
And now I gotta tell you
Oh no, oh no

I thought I was just having a nice time
But then as you left for work I cried
Oh no, oh no
journal entry
702 · Jul 2022
Paradise Falls (11/6/2020)
Oh, the way I loved him
was the most I've ever felt
Oh, the way I loved him
made me forget everyone who's left
Oh, the way I loved him
wrote albums and symphonies
Oh, the way I loved him
made me forget he didn't love me

Oh, the way I loved him
I knew he was never mine
But god, did my heart hurt for him
Like I was running out of time

Oh, the way I loved him
could make the oceans rise
Oh, the way I loved him
could pull the stars from the skies
And put them in his eyes

I haven't seen the light since then
This isn't goodbye
This isn't "I love you"
This is not "I really miss you and I want you back"
This is a "*******" note.

I've been waiting here for 7 hours straight
All you can do is talk about the weather.
You crack jokes, you smile, and bring us in
But I know how you feel inside;
It's killing you to see me alive.
You'd spit in my face if given half a chance
And you wouldn't hesitate to give me that glance
I was there for everything.

I was there when your brother went to rehab
And when he moved back in
When you thought you could end it all
But you couldn't handle it.
I was there for your birthday
But you missed mine.
I have to remind you every time.

How could you forget that we had a life; a future?
We were supposed to be partners in crime until the day we died.
How could you forget unless it was something I did.
Please tell me what I did.
And why you hug me different.
694 · Jan 2012
You're Gone
Do you care?
At this point
I don't know
Give me something

Where's the love?
You seem so gone
We haven't spoken
In so **** long

It seemed so perfect
That honeymoon phase
Now I'm broken
And you forgot my name

You were there
You saved my life
I said not to worry
I'm done with the knife

But I need you now
I need you again
I feel you're gone
And I've lost a friend
Feedback is appreciated.
685 · May 2012
Have you ever
Let's all get together
for a rousing game of "have you ever"

Have you ever felt so low
that nothing was real?

Have you ever wanted to paint a canvas of skin and veins
Only to regret it every day?

Have you ever wanted to run away from every pain
And live your days in another place?
Have you ever been told no?

Have you ever been afraid to disappoint;
Afraid you couldn't work your own voice?

Have you ever wondered what it's like on the other side?
I wonder if it's really a heaven in the sky?
Maybe it's nothing and you really do just die.

Have you ever felt so buried under stress
that you couldn't even get dressed?

Have you ever wanted to down a bottle
And feel powered, full-throttle?

Have you ever hoped to bleed dry
So you could be light enough to fly?

Have you ever dreamed of bleeding skin
then woke up, wishing it had happened?

Have you ever loved the pain of an open sore
So much so that you made some more?

Have you ever loved someone so much so
that you didn't even care where your own life would go?

I have.

All these things.

I can't talk anymore.

My heart is throbbing.
670 · Apr 2012
The Black Dog
Shh! Quiet down
Shut your mouth.
Hear that sound?
It's drowning you out.

Listen close.
Silent as a ghost.

The whimpering
The barking
The biting
The fighting

Do you see them?
Inside your life's hole.
They're there
Fighting for your soul.

One dog,
Black as night
It seems as though he's winning the fight

The other,
Brighter than light.
Covered in wounds, he doesn't move.

I kneel next to the ****** hound,
But I leave kibble all around.

The black one eats
'til he's had his fill.

The white one lifts his head for a crumb of strength
I push his head back down and stroke him lovingly

But comfort means nothing when he's dying
The black dog's finished, he comes up beside me,
His head in my lap.
The white dog's crying.

The puddle of blood grows
I am being swallowed whole.

I see the flames beneath
So I jump to my feet.
I lean over to see.

The black dog's tail swings side to side
As he looks his master in the eye.
Is it possible for a dog to smile?

I begin to fear
I pull the white dog near.

The dark one growls
My heart rejoices

"I don't understand"
The white one wails.
His eyes close.
Stillness covers his tail.

My eyes overflow
My face breaks down
My hands grasp out
I'm falling down.

This agony is leaving
My chest no longer heaving

But the black dog grabs me
Pulls me from peace
Tosses me aside
I lean on the beast

I look to the white dog
Sadness fills my heart

But then,

His eyelids part.

But the black dog has quite the head start.
643 · Jan 2012
Thanksgiving
Thank you for my life.
Thank you for lending me time.
Thank you for easing my mind.
Thank for your guiding light.
Thank you for love.
Thank you for your hugs.
Thank you for being
absolutely cute as bugs.
Thank you for music;
It’s gotten me through it.
Thank you for caring
instead of just staring.
Thank you for everything;
I wouldn’t be here but for you.
Thank you for existing.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your charm.
Thank you for your wit.
Thank you for helping me
Get away from all of it.
Thank you for your humor;
Thanks for that.
I always love you more
when you make me laugh.
Thank you for chasing your dream.
Thank you for inspiring me.
Thank you for living free.
Thank you for embracing me.
Thank you for the warmth;
You’ve given me so much.
Thank you for the love;
I’ll never be able to pay you back.
Thank you for saving me;
I’m so glad I’m still here.
Thank you for braving my seas
of sadness and fear.
Thank you for the beauty
You bring to my world.
Thank you for helping me see
The beauty there is in me.
I couldn’t see it before,
But every now and then,
I begin to look for it,
And it brings a degree of happiness.
Thank for what you’ve done for me.
Thank you for how you’ve cared.
Thank you for proving me right,
and for proving me wrong.
I love you so so much
With all my heart.
Thank you so much
for helping me restart.
Feedback would be appreciated.
635 · Jul 2022
My Body (2/2/2022)
My toes are numb
And I can't breathe through my nose
And I can't wait to get home
And crawl under my grandma's quilt
And feel your skin against mine
Warming me up from the inside

You walk your fingers along the peaks and valleys of my frame
And inside my brain
I am pouring like water from a glass that you tip to your lips
If you're going to drink me in then I only hope
That you will love my body in all the ways I've never been able to

Worship where I've condemned
Hold what I have rejected
Kiss where I have cut
Heal where I have bruised
Be a friend to the thing I named my enemy
This thing I live in, yet keep separate from me
a journal entry
632 · Jan 2012
Peter Pan
To die would be an awfully great adventure.
Happiness must be in Never-Never Land.
I want to fly high and dry;
I want to flit through the sky.
I hope to follow a piper of pied attire
Meet in our secret place through the mountains.
There will be many lost kids
Looking for a way to live.
I don't think I know the way out.
How shall we be together again?
I don't want to grow up.
I want to stay here.
I want to fight pirates.
I want to play with ticking alligators.
I want to love in the most innocent ways.
I want us to be lost in this phase.
You just seem so perfect for me;
I want time to just freeze.
So, let's steal the dust of a fairy
and take to the night sky.
Play on the clock tower
Fight for our own power
We can be whoever we want to be.
But, flash forward now
I come back to visit.
I see you've found out
What growing up is all about.
I can't help but to feel alone.
Where do I stand now?
Where is my home?
I don't know how to get through to her;
But to die would be an awfully great adventure.
Feedback would be appreciated.
632 · Jan 2012
Coming Home
I ran away
In spite of myself
I pushed back
From your selflessness

You were so good for me
I couldn't bring myself to believe
I guess I just didn't see
The good in you or the love in me

I'm left to wonder
What could have been
I'll continue reading over
I'll continue to listen

I'll remember you
Forever and always
I gave you me
Now I've gone out in a blaze

I'll fizzle out
Like a firecracker
I'll drizzle down
And burn the earth

You're there watching
Waiting for me to come back
I'll promise you this
I'm well on my way

Be patient, please
I'm trying, I swear
Soon I'll be
Nowhere but right there
Feedback would be appreciated.
I swam down to the bottom of the river
In the muddy water I could not see anything
I thought the silence would be killing me
But in the silence, I found that I could breathe

The world above had so much chaos
I think I'll stay down here in the mud and moss
When the current moves I will too
Down in the weeds, I don't have to feel a thing

Underneath it all the devil lies in wait
Holding onto hope that someday I will break
It's not uncommon to feel nothing at all
When the waves of the water are your only walls

It gets hard sometimes
When my clock decides
To wrap its hands around you
And that's all I've wanted to do
Since I met you
628 · Jul 2022
Celebrity (11/19/2021)
Nobody writes about the glue unless it doesn't stick like it used to
Nobody cares about what's always there until it's gone elsewhere
There is no art about the dirt in the dark,
but it keeps us from falling apart

I know you think that they never saw you
oh, but I do

Sometimes you feel invisible because you don't like your hair
and you're not very tall
But don't let that make you feel so small
Because without you my world wouldn't turn at all

I know you think that they'll never see you
oh, but I do

Maybe you'll be
Eventually
Lost to history again

A face in the crowd
A voice in the loud
But I know I'd know it anywhere

So I'll have you sign a book in my mind
I'll paint your name across the sky

I'm gonna write about the glue
I'm gonna write about you
for my mom
626 · Apr 2012
The Big Bloody House
Walking up to the big beautiful house.
a mansion of sorts.
Open the door, revel in the amazing novelties in each room.
The bookshelf.
The big piano.
The grand staircase.
The host tells her to head up to her quarters.
Up the stairs she floats
her head in a daze from the extravagance surrounding her.
Into the room that could fit a barn,
she gazes around.
Her eyes glance over
the desk
the armoire
the windows with a view
the doors to the bathroom
finally,
the giant bed.
white sheets
white pillows
white blankets
pure, fine, snowy.
Her legs blur and she bounds into the bed.
As she snuggles in,
her heart drops.
She hates it here.
She wants to leave.
The door locks behind her.
She calls for the host.
Screams to be released.
Demands to leave the beast.
But the beast will never leave.
He begins to come alive.
She sees a kitchen knife.
Suddenly, she, herself, is the enemy.
The beast tells her what to do.
get the legs, the arms, ribs and face, too.
Her body drains, every second is another pint.
Her breath smells of blood
Her hair matted, but
She finally finds peace.
She remembers how she loves the beast.
But no.
She can't stay.
What of her friends?
She can't leave the devastation behind.
These lives are more than a tweak of the spine.
Her ****** knees shake
Her gashed elbows tremble
They need me! They need me! It's not this simple!
As I awake from this dream
I know what I need.
I feel my heart beat
as even my eyes bleed.
A dream I had a few nights ago...
626 · Jan 2012
I'm Begging
Please let my words ring true
please let me say I’m fighting through
please understand my words to you
please let my message be used

I don’t know where I am
I’m not sure where I stand
I’m living on the edge
but I want your safety pledge

I need to know
what you’ll do.
How do I get it through to you?
Why won’t you try, too?

You’re the only reason I’m alive.
You’re the only star in my sky
but I’m afraid it’s all just lies.
What have I lost from my eyes?

You said to write so now I’m writing.
You said it’ll help but now I’m dying.
I’m so confused by this world
I’ve built for myself

I’ve strayed so far away
from the path I intended to stay.
I know you said you wouldn’t forget
but please don’t let me, my decision, regret.
Feedback would be appreciated.
611 · Feb 2012
Stepladder
If only you knew my pain
knew my fear
knew the everlasting ache for literature.

Maybe then you'd understand.
Maybe then you'd get the hint.

Perhaps you'd be more empathetic.

How about we strike a deal?

I'll eat the banana,
and you slip on the peel.

Maybe for once you'll get it.
Maybe walking a mile in my converse
Will give you a better look at the inverse.

Would the stench of blisters keep you focused?

I doubt it.
But I'll keep going at it.

I don't need you
or your drama
or the stress.

But you sure as hell need me
and my care
and my help.

But I can't let go.
No matter how it tears me down.

You will go first
and I'll be here
give you a boost

to Heaven's Light.
I don't even know...
579 · Mar 2012
How Dare You!
Oh, you swear, do you?
When will I begin believing truth?
I'm just a naive youth.

Quit taking advantage of me.
You know you're all I see.
You know you made me believe.

How could I let myself fall?
How did you break down my walls?
Tears made my eyes shine like a doll's
because of you.

I hate what you do to me.
Why didn't you let me wither;
Just let me waste away
Until I find another day?

Why did you choose to care?
It doesn't make sense.
Why did you become a child's bear
When you knew my childishness?

All I wanted was to drift away
But you made me want to stay.
Why couldn't you just let me take the easy way?

I owe you so much debt.

Why me?
Why did you choose me to love?
Why did you cry over me?
Why do you have to mean so much to me?
I'm sorry...
577 · Mar 2014
Clara- (9/22/13)
Clara
Tell me what to do.
All I ever wanted
was to help you.
I don't know what's wrong
But I'm writing you this song.
Clara
I know you want help.
So I'm here to help

Clara
I know that you're scared.
Clara
I know that you're worth it.
We met in the dark
I found a light
You put a pillow on your eyes.
Clara
You have to believe:
It'll be ok
But I can't go back to the dark.

Clara
I'm at the edge for you
Clara
I can't give my love to
Someone who spits on it and hands it back
Clara
I still love you

Clara
What happened to summer of 2012
Don't you know to make new friends
But keep the old
576 · Jan 2013
The Sky Is On Fire
When the flaming sky is raining down on your dreams
You still have to have something to believe
When the starry skies are covered by milky streaks of light
and you can't see their twinkling eyes
You still have to know that everything will be alright
Nothing you ever do will make me stop loving you
I could never deny how bright you make my life
I want to hear it said, every day, not just in my head
I want my self-hating skin to shed.
I don't want to keep carrying this lead.
Listen when I say I'm not going away
Because I love the way you look my way
I wish I could see it every day.
573 · Mar 2014
Heavy Days -(2/9/14)
Sometimes when the world feels so heavy I can hardly breathe
I have to slow down and I'm forced to think.
My whole life has been a blur of faces as I wander through places
With time passing by so fact I forget to make each moment last.
I can't even see past the cards of talking points
And the angry letters I wrote myself.
My dreams are filled with vivid images of back when we were friends
Back in the time when I knew what I was going to do.
When my future consisted of fighting crime with you by my side
And now the days pass by untouched
I can't even move without a crutch
I've got pins in my ankles and screws in my head
And I'm pretty sure I'm better off dead.
But I've kept my promises and made my peace
I decided instead to be dominated by sleep.
My veins pump with lead and my lungs run empty
I don't know to whom I should be listening
And really there's no point in blame because I know it's my fault
I just always feel like I approach with such an assault.
And I'm sorry that I can't be more
But I'm doing my best and that's not good enough for you, I guess.
I didn't do enough to make you care about me
I don't know what else to do to keep my focus off of you.
I don't understand how you could just forget me like that.
What did I do to deserve to be treated like the **** on your shoe?
When are you going to realize
I stood by your side through all your darkest nights
How could you leave me in mine?
How dare you call yourself my best friend
When you are the one who is causing this to end
You are the one who refuses to see me for over 6 months
You are the one who I cry over losing every night.
Because I never pictured you out of my life.
I never thought of how I'd live without my best friend.
Because you knew my life and you were there with me side-by-side
Then all of a sudden, out of sight, out of mind?
I guess you never really cared about me at all.
All the times you couldn't see me, but you never wanted to, did you?
I'm looking back now with enlightened vision
Only to find all the times you didn't think about my feelings
Even though I couldn't get yours out of my head.
And how am I supposed to sleep
When I don't know how your brother's doing or if your parents are ok
What am I supposed to do to forget that you had problems too?
Problems that could come back in a simple flash.
I trained myself for four years to remember every detail
Everything I could drink in because I wanted to be a good friend.
But now I'm just supposed to pretend?
I have to forget all our past.
We've gone back to being strangers but therein lies the problem.
From the second we met we were drawn together
So I don't know how to think of talking to you then not going through.
I don't know how to not want to be around you
But I know that I don't because you're a poison.
Your face is etched into my head like a painting
With your name on a plaque beneath it
And I've been studying it for so long
I know every pore and every scar
I know every hair and inch of skin because you let me in.
And you can't let someone in if you're only going to shut them out.
Because the only way to go back to being strangers
Is to never have known you in the first place.
And I can't do that because every time I stop to think
There you are, and I'm on the brink of tears until my vision clears.
But it doesn't and I have to learn to live
Without slowing down
Because I can't think anymore.
564 · Jan 2012
Consumed
I'm consumed in the flames of confusion
There's nowhere to hide from them
But all I want to do is run away
and stay away until I fade away.
I'm scared to stay in one place for too long
I'm afraid I'll be burnt to a crisp
I'm scared to be alive but I'm scared of death itself.
Pain, it's my biggest fear, but I'm drawn to it.
I hurt all day, every day.
Yes, music helps.
But to make music you must hurt.
Hurt to help.
That's my struggle every day.
No, this is not a poem about someone.
No, this is not a poem for someone.
No, this is not for you, or for me.
It's for the universe.
It's for the everlasting pain humans cause themselves.
It's for nothing and everything.
It's for no one and everyone.
It's for life.
It's for death.
It's for old and young, and nonexistent.
This is a story of a young girl of whom everything is expected.
This is a story of a young girl who doesn't want any of it.
This is a story of a young girl who would rather die than conform.
I'd rather jump out my window and just run.
I just want to get away from here.
I just want...
I don't know.
I don't want anything.
But I want everything.
I want love
I want hate
I want him
I want them
I want it all
I want nothing at all.
I am me
I am her
I am nothing
I'm just another name in the books
I'm just another face in the crowd
I'm just someone somwhere.
I don't want help
But I want caring.
Nobody seems to know the difference.
I'm alone
I'm surrounded by billions.
I write "I" too much.
I love too much.
I don't know how to end this.
This poem.
This hour.
This time.
This love.
This life.
I'm infected with the hatred of this world
But I like it.
Too much.
Nothing will ever be the same will it?
How much do you really care?
How much can one person stand?
How much is too much, really?
Did I say something wrong?
Did I say something too right?
Did I strike a chord?
Heartstrings pulled?
Eyes opened? Ears listening?
Mouth shutting.
I'm just a scared little girl.
People forget that.
Everyone is.
Nobody is invincible.
Love is invincible.
Love is no one.
Hate is invincible.
Hate is no one.
Blue, red, yellow, black, purple, green, orange.
Everything's different
Yet it's all the same.
Goodbye.
I hope.
Forget me.
I don't want your sympathy.
I want no help.
I want to be left behind.
I want to be alone.
I want none of that.
I need someone.
I need love.
I need help
I need company.
I need love.
I need water
To get rid of this consuming fire.
This fire that's consuming me
in a thing of victory.
I'll be reduced to nothing
until that day.
you got me on your hit list
i can't afford a therapist
it might be cheaper to die
well, maybe
but the funeral industry
the way it's looking lately
oh, it's bleeding me dry

you have made up your mind
to believe a lie
well i'll admit you tried
and i
i could eat a live
wire and then my
brain would be just as fried

and you
you can have your pride
and you can  take your time
but you can't take what's mine

and you will not be the reason
i give up believing
in the good inside
because i
i will keep on breathing
and easily sleeping
purely out of spite
530 · Feb 2012
Depression
When it's least expected, it hits like a
freight train.

Where you're playing guitar on a sunny afternoon and
tornadoes blow through.

Writing songs to the beat of my heart,
the room catches fire.


My candle is blown out.

Suddenly
I can't see.
Trapped in the black silence

I create my shackles
and swallow my own key.

People come and go.

Some try to break the ties.

I glare with danger in my eyes.

Biting the hand that feeds
is now my only need.

How did I get to this point?

I won't allow me out of this joint.


Go away.

Leave me be.

Don't you see?



Come back...

Please...
528 · Jul 2022
The Wizard (5/12/2021)
I've been in my head
Trying not to be misled
But you heard me
I was screaming and you heard me

Fading and you saw me
Awakened and shaking from a bad dream
But you had me
It's ok because you had me

That night at the tree
We watched the lights from underneath
And when you kissed me
Oh my god and when you kissed me

Holding me down
Slowing things down
Like a wizard stopping time
Do you want to stay at mine?

Holding me down
Slowing things down
My pirate ship hits dry land
I want to do it all again

Silence turns to quiet
Everything is calm when you're right here
Stay right here next to me
You're all I want to see
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