Today was the first time I came close
I almost ended it in a post
Left to right I feel the fright
My pain is aching
What comes next
Inch by inch I take the test
Reeling with guilt and sorrow
I hate myself
Why can’t I be someone else
My body is a Perfect example of what not to be
Limp here limp there
I am disgusting
I hate myself all the time
Not just today
I want to slice my eyes open
As they don’t even work right
I am a walking disaster with nothing going for myself
I am so over it all
I cannot have what I desire I cannot have what I want
Someone is constantly judging me
With the looks of judgement
I feel condemned
Where is the honor in that
No...not even loyalty wins here
Who the hell is loyal these days
I hate myself
Not just today
Always

We have links
Several we want to sever but just can’t
Even though we are breaking inside
The constant reminder of that link being there is calming
A painful calming
Resistant to the thought of loss
Forgetting is too cruel
Why is that so hard
No one wants to disappear
Out of mind anyway
I have links I cannot get rid of
Yearning to rid myself of the guilt
But I ask and ask if I really care about it?
But I do and don’t
My throbbing heart is hurting due to this exhausting reminder

I have never been so hesitant to say
“It is over”
Over before it has started
I intentionally make sure my heart is safe
I cover it up with plastic
so much so that it suffocates
Nothing in this world is more painful
Than heartache
It sets the mind back
Twists the soul
Makes you weep til there is nothing left
I have not felt this pain for a long time
Tears fall.....dropping into a pool of sadness.
Ready to give up the load and feel numb
I can’t say I am over this...but honestly I am
I have to be....
For my sanity is slipping.
As I try to run away from this madness they call love.

I don’t think I will ever have the courage to tell you how I feel. I am just going to write it to myself right here. Last I gave my heart to someone it fell through, I was so sure of it I bet my life. I put it to the test and found out just how bad were for each other. Then another and another. Time is hasty and I feel my time nearing. I am not sure what is going through your mind and I am not going to pretend to know. I can only guess. The events that have been happening have lead me to feel this way. I believe in my heart there is something in your heart for me. I am your friend first...one day maybe more. I don’t know if you want this for a brief moment or for a while. I cannot do a brief moment with you. I think that would destroy me. I have not felt this way about a person in a long time. Maybe I am babbling maybe I am imagining all of this. I feel like this has been going on for a while. Here and there. Please tell me what you are thinking....feeling?? Help me understand so I can understand these feelings or give them up. I don’t want to say I love you but I do I feel the words pressing against my lips as I suppress them from coming out. I don’t want to freak you out but I truly do love you. I am having a hard time admitting this to myself because I have been heartbroken a couple times which has made me doubtful and jaded. When I am with you those feelings disappear and all I feel is warmth and real love. Or is it my imagination. So many feelings all over the place. I feel like I am a chaotic mess because I am entranced and spelled by you. I know of the current situation and it is killing me. I stayed away so long but I can no longer do it. Breath me in or breath me out. Let me in or let me go. I wish to always be your friend if anything but I don’t ever think I can stop loving you

Constantly being accused that I don’t care
Consistent with my bargain of the deal
What’s with these folks
Up I am and fighting the masses
Struggling with my mind
Is it too much to ask to be and feel appreciated
No one does what they say
But I am to obey
Losing my grip on reality
I am broken from fear and shame
Don’t judge me
I am against pain
And that is beating me
Tearing into my soul
Going on without a thought
I continue to smile behind the mask

Silence...dead as a door nail
That’s what I will be
Will they miss my laugh
My cry, my scream and most of all my song
Constantly being told I am the problem
Constantly being blamed for it all
Nothing eases my suffering
All I do is sit here now I sit here without voice
I am not allowed to say how I feel
Everything is based on my tone, my volume my way of speech
It is not just advice anymore
Way over this ****
I am thinking real badly of myself
The worse I fall in the worse it gets
Nothing eases my pain
Not even the right stuff
I just want to, need to disappear
Maybe I will be missed
Most likely they will cheer for me to never return
Not even from the ocean.

When will this day succeed
Apparent and clear
The universe has its ways
The path long and dark
Light barely comes through
Even a little glare helps...
A hint of hope takes over
Riding in the wind
Yesterday was a breeze
To fall through the cracks again
Time is precious
No on ever knows when our time nears
The end is never apparent
Riding in the wind...