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Jan 16 · 114
A Silent Prayer
N Jan 16
All I did is sit and yearn
in the gnawing loneliness
your silence left me with

Oh, you clueless frigid thing
Do you know I ached for you once?

I will never confess to
such sins of the heart

But I pray that you lose
your breath over my absence,
and forget how to dream
Jan 16 · 73
Home
N Jan 16
I wish I could make returning
home feel like a gentle burial

I don’t want to be
reminded of the time

Don’t stare at my empty wrists,
I have lost my watch long ago

But I’m still here, always here,
so is the lump in my throat

Before the night ends, and we
make our soon to be last goodbyes

Ask me to stay,
don’t let me return to my grave again

Because, I fear I won’t be
able to leave it this time

I long to remain dead,
but ask me anyway
Dec 2022 · 1.2k
The Final Act Of Love
N Dec 2022
1.
The seasons changed,
but he still kept wearing
his yellow sweater during
the hottest weather

He spoke in three languages,
but has only felt the word:
Melancholy,
and the joyous absence of it

He wondered who he would be
without his suffocating sweater,
and the word: Melancholy

2.
He never uttered the word father
for it was too heavy on his tongue,
as the heavy rain on a bleak morning  

His mother loved him dearly,
or ruined him and called it love

A man has fallen in love with him,
and he felt for the first time; the
warmth of equally returned love

His lover swallowed his heart, and
told him it was the final act of love

3.
After ten years of insomnia,
he stopped measuring happiness
based on how many nights he slept,
a funeral rose in his heart as he wept

He muttered the word:
Suffering,
as if it were
a prayer,
or a lullaby

4.
Drawing road maps on his flesh
was his only consolation,
he chose the color red
to find his missing path

Scars between his thighs
as hidden treasures—
Centuries deep away from
people’s piercing gaze

5.
His new beloved was
shaped as a knife
They embraced
for the last time,
and the gushing blood
was his final act of love
Rewrite.
Dec 2022 · 62
Her Scent
N Dec 2022
A home
can be a grave,
or a lover’s arm

I want to return to a home
where the air smelled
of only her scent
Dec 2022 · 68
Yellow Wish
N Dec 2022
I want my day to start
with her yellow laughter

And end it with her crimson mouth
laced with my bruised mouth
N Dec 2022
A dream about you
telling me the meaning behind
your name in painful details

But darling, I have already
memorized it by heart
as a prayer from a faithless soul
Dec 2022 · 90
Undying Muse
N Dec 2022
You who taught me
that I can write such loving lines
only if it is you reading them

But now I ruin myself
because I know no matter
how many brutal lines I write

I will never get to see
your face light up
as you read them
Dec 2022 · 85
Angelic Creature
N Dec 2022
I would give up heaven,
and worship her instead

I would give up heaven
to suffer through her hell

As long as I am
with my cruel angel

Oh, burn me
mighty one
Dec 2022 · 45
Once
N Dec 2022
I never truly belonged to myself—
not even once
—ever since I met her.
I was hers to claim;
completely and painfully hers.
I began to disintegrate when
she no longer cared for me.
Every part of me she once traced
with her finger has crumbled.
Only her touch can mold me back together.

She wanted me to stay
with the living, and I obeyed.
I have the scars to prove it.
Look, darling, I am bleeding
and bumping full of life and desire.
Ask for me and you shall find me,
alive, hungry, and waiting for you.
Though it is my true wish to leave,
I will not disobey her command.
I am awaiting my punishment,
or reward for staying even after she left.
I wonder what my punishment would be
when she knows that I almost fell for another.
That I was someone else’s reason for staying.
That their breathing changed
the closer I got to their hungry flesh.
Even the deepest part of hell knows
that I still long for her impossible commands.
My knees are bleeding,
but I keep pleading for her words to posses me.
Dec 2022 · 44
A Tragedy Of The Heart
N Dec 2022
I was born anew when she said,
“Thank you for being mine.”
I felt like I finally I belonged.
As if my heart’s been wandering all my life trying to find hers, so it can surrender itself in her palms.
And on that day, that one specific morning,
it was the first day of my life.
That she is my whole life.

But now she has left mine,
and I’ve been trying
to get my life back ever since.
My soul was laced around
the rhythm of her soothing voice.
And what remains of my stubborn heart
has melted into the lines of her palms.
She was my life’s begging and end.
It is in a way, a kind of ******,
and I’m grieving at my own funeral.
Dec 2022 · 56
A Gentle Burial
N Dec 2022
Oh, what I would give for your grace,
if only you ask of me

I am an ocean of sacrifice when
it comes to you, my day and night

And so I shall bleed for you
till you ask me to stop

And I will still love you
even if you ask me to stop

And I will keep yearning for you
till my breathing stops

And if the day comes where
my love does not move you

Then I beg you to rid me of this old thing,
hold my heart, and bury it gently next to yours
Dec 2022 · 48
A Good Morning
N Dec 2022
The sun and I both
burn for his morning face

We await his cold almond eyes,
and crooked lips
to greet us each morning

But he’s sharing his light
with another soul,
but mine

I wish to know how many cigarettes
must I burn till my burning longing  
reaches his frigid heart?
Dec 2022 · 36
About My Hunger
N Dec 2022
The cigarette hasn’t left
my ugly mouth
ever since yours left mine

Now I cannot speak
without pouring
as a frightening  rainy night
I cannot love
without burning
my heart and yours
I cannot breathe
without gasping for your scent
I cannot think
without remembering
the meaning behind your name

And I cannot eat
without being consumed
by my unsatisfiable hunger

For you,
I starve
Dec 2022 · 21
Another Confession
N Dec 2022
A heart is a torturous
thing to hold, alone

Will you carry mine?
Can you?
If I asked you to swallow it
Would you?

I’m all swallowed up,
I tried to be easier to hold
I did it for you, my darling one
But I am a creation
that cannot be named

My blood seeps of poison,
and I still long to be dead
Dec 2022 · 56
Moon Sleeper
N Dec 2022
Be my moon
all-night long,
I promise I will never sleep

I long to sleep next
to your moonlight face,
if only you’d let me
Dec 2022 · 71
4:14
N Dec 2022
The closest thing I can reach for
is this harmful glowing cigarette

I tend to worship the
things that burn me

You burn me
I burned for you,
but my love’s flame
was suffocating you

Our hearts were
scattered ashes,
I’m sorry I couldn’t
carry yours gently
N Oct 2022
I’m sorry for looking
like a stormy night
when you saw me tonight

I know, I know you didn’t notice  
the trail of blood you left behind
after we stopped speaking

I admit, I’m half glad
that you let me fade
with all my yearnings

You still exist in my dreams,
and for years I couldn’t escape
your gaze even with my eyes closed

I know, I know I can never have you
Even if you gently twist me in
your arms, and forget to let go

The distance between us doesn’t
bruise my heart any longer,
I’m already out of sight

But I still secretly pray for
all this dark water, and the two
of us simply speaking again
I’m in agony.
Jul 2022 · 928
Palm Reader
N Jul 2022
In a dream,
I kiss your hand because all my
longings were engraved in your palms

Because no tongue can speak
your secret language but mine

I gave you my last clementine
because I almost died when
I saw you cry for the first time

I wanted to be the one to peel it for you,
but I knew you would resent me if I did

And because of you, my teary eyed lover,
I struggle to understand
another’s language but yours
An actual dream I had. Ah.
Jun 2022 · 844
Yield
N Jun 2022
My heart started shrieking when she said love could not save us. “How else can you explain this?” I protested as I pulled my bleeding heart out of my hollow chest. “This old thing swears to be yours, and yours only” I said with a lump in my throat. “Here is my heart, it is fragile. Break it anyway, if you must.” I cried.

The flowers she picked for me still haunt me. “How cruel of her. To **** a blooming flower for a lover she soon will ****, softly” I thought, but my dancing heart did not agree with me. “Yield” Pleaded my heart. “Yield! Surender yourself to her”. And so I did.
Jun 2022 · 1.1k
My Well Deserved Death
N Jun 2022
My dear, I am writing you from the depths of my solitude, to ease your worried heart and mind. Loneliness has been gnawing at my terrified flesh as of late. Yet, my only wish is to remain alone. Unseen and untouched. I think this is pure joy, or the illusion of it. But I am content at this very moment. I promise.

You might think that I am slowly sinking. That I will soon reach the bottom of the ocean, and you fear it is too dark and solitary there. That I might not survive my own madness— not this time, not by myself. That I cannot swim nor do I intend to learn how to. That I willingly gave my body to Poseidon as a peace offering. That I finally made my peace— not with God, but with a god nonetheless. That I am all swallowed up. That I will not see you again. That I will die lamenting your forgotten smile. That Azrael, the angel of death, weeps over my doom. That I have died long ago—
But how can a corpse feel such emotions?
How do I tell my stubborn heart that it is not beating for you any longer?
How do I comfort my frantic soul by lulling it to an eternal sleep?
—And if so then tell me, my dearest one, don’t I deserve serenity, too? After burning for a decade, yearning for a safe haven. Do you think I finally deserve to rest?
N May 2022
I could swear I’ve felt your touch once,
I wonder why you couldn’t
bare seeing my raw wounds?

You know,
it is never gentle to disturb
the dead with the promise of love
So why did you do it, darling?
May 2022 · 1.1k
Dying Flame
N May 2022
I feel a fire starting under my ribs
It is swallowing everything,
my heart, lungs,
and memories too

Or I may just be missing you
to the point where I set myself ablaze,
Tell me, does my cloud of smoke not reach you?

I suffocate with a burning longing
Do you not understand?
I burn, I burn, I am burning for you

Be with me
if only for a moment
For soon nothing
will remain of me
May 2022 · 1.2k
II
N May 2022
II
The piercing sound of
your silence pains me

I wish to hear you speak
for as long as I live
Shorter version.
May 2022 · 1.2k
I
N May 2022
I
To you
who’s silence
pains me deeply

I admit,
I still converse with
you in my head

I have slowly forgotten
the sound of
your bewitching voice

But I remember how
your small mouth  
was my greatest desire
May 2022 · 1.1k
Only A Memory
N May 2022
I have but you to love,
it is only you I dare
to want so violently

I am afraid of
my relentless
yearning for you

It sickens me
to want this much
and for so long

I have never wished for you
to turn into a memory that
only brings me great pain
Apr 2022 · 705
I Too Felt Yellow Once
N Apr 2022
I am turning blue
as the days go by,
and soon I will start to fade

But before I do,
I wish to write about all the
shades of colors I used to be

How I turned bright yellow when
I saw her face every morning,
as a sunflower turns lovingly
to worship the burning sun

Alas, I am no longer vibrant and alive
The morning sun blinds me,
and your face only brings me pain
Mar 2022 · 694
Spring
N Mar 2022
A wilting flower
that will never
feel spring’s warmth

The harsh winter is all it ever known,
in an unloving season
is how it leaves this world
Mar 2022 · 664
No Longer Human
N Mar 2022
What you see is before you
is a groaning animal that has
forgotten it used to be human

With flowing words,
simply seeking the pleasures of being,
and an immense love to pour

By god,
I could have sworn that
I have felt the joy of living once

But now, I cannot bare
the agonizing sound
of my beating heart
A nod to Osamu Dazai
Mar 2022 · 336
Black Dress
N Mar 2022
I have been ruining myself
for you

I still write you
after all these years knowing you
will never read my bleeding verses

I dream of you
dancing in a black dress
as I try to hold your gaze

I spray your perfume,
and the ghosts of my mind wail
from the rushing memories

I still exist,
but not with you
Feb 2022 · 639
Stay
N Feb 2022
It hurts
to love you
like this

Without you knowing
how I ache for you

Stay
Please, stay,
and listen to a heart that
recites your name like a poem
Feb 2022 · 357
If She Ever Asks
N Feb 2022
No, this is not a
poem about her

But I know that deep
within my aching heart,
I will do anything
she asks of me

I will break all
my vows for her  

I will break all my limbs
for her to mold like clay
Feb 2022 · 281
Untitled
N Feb 2022
My love, did you know that the orchids
in my room shudder when I whisper
your name in a prayer?
Feb 2022 · 723
Untitled
N Feb 2022
My mind is a shrieking graveyard
that is too freighting to visit alone

Sometimes,
I hear the skulls of all the people I
have ever loved rattling inside my heart

I do not know how to quiet
down their wailings at night

I have nothing to offer them,
but my dripping pain

Alone, I weep,
lamenting their forgotten laughter
Feb 2022 · 1.1k
Be My Muse
N Feb 2022
Give me your
crimson mouth
to devour in secret

Help me put out
this burning desire–

All the unspeakable
things I hunger for

Be my muse,
so I can finish
writing this poem
Feb 2022 · 1.0k
Do Not Answer
N Feb 2022
Can I pour this love I hold
for you into your open mouth?

Can I write you endless
love letters as long as I live?

Can I drown my sorrows
between your thighs?

Can I devour your scent till
you suffocate with pleasure?
Feb 2022 · 1.1k
And I Wait
N Feb 2022
In the dark
I write you a letter
hoping it would reach you

It starts like this:
My beloved,
I love you still

From afar,
but I still love you
as tenderly
as ardently
as ever

I hunger for you
as violently
as madly  
as ever

And I wait
Feb 2022 · 840
I Worship Her Still
N Feb 2022
I know,
my love,
my muse,
I have always known

I knew that this would
be our last conversation,
but this is not my last poem

It pained me deeply,
but I knew that one day
I will slowly start to forget
your loving face,
bewitching scent,
and soothing voice

Oh, how I loved you
I knew I will still love you
even after you desert me

I knew it,
but I still held your small hand
I still worshiped you in secret
I still adored you blindly

And I still do
Jan 2022 · 1.2k
Do You?
N Jan 2022
Tell me, does the night go through
you with its aching loneliness?

Do you think of me when
you see a wilting sunflower?

Do you see my face when
you hear the word longing?
Jan 2022 · 618
This Is Love Too
N Jan 2022
Love, do as you wish
with my aching body,
but do not leave any bruises

Destroy what is left
of my heart, if you must,
but do not leave me again
This is love too, right?
N Jan 2022
I cannot feel love
only the grief
it left me with

I am grieving
all-night long
Jan 2022 · 1.1k
Ghazal
N Jan 2022
My beloved April moon,
when the poets write ghazal
they are writing about you

The goddess of love,
Aphrodite,
cried when I told her
that you may leave

Her tears shedding
for you to stay,
like drops of Venus

Come back
For the goddess
of love’s sake,
come back
Jan 2022 · 2.0k
Her Sculpture
N Jan 2022
I will break all my limbs
to have her mold me
as a clay sculpture

To carve her knife
into my skin because
this is how art is made

To have her look at me,
study me, conceal my flaws,
till I am finally perfect

To be owned by her,
her creation to
admire and love
Jan 2022 · 980
A Quiet Death
N Jan 2022
When I write a poem,
it is for you

Even if it does not
begin with love

You were to me what
Patroclus was to Achilles

What Aphrodite
was to Sappho

If I knew that one day
I will be apart from you,
I would have quietly chosen death
Dec 2021 · 738
Two Lovesome Creatures
N Dec 2021
As I stood by a window  
smoking a mint cigarette
at my miserable job

I saw two butterflies
flying together

One was orange, and
the other was white  

Two lovesome creatures
existing at the same time as us

The orange one made
me picture you peeling a
clementine to share with me

The white one reminded me
that there is still beauty in life,
and it is greater than my pain

There are more butterflies
that I have not seen yet, and
I wish I could see them with you
N Dec 2021
I swore not to write you,
but I cannot sleep
because I envy your pillow

How it carries
your curls, dreams,
and tears too

Your old bed sheets get
to inhale your scent while
I suffocate from your absence

I still remain in mine
burning, yearning,
dreaming of you

I will set fire to your bed,
so you would rest your
head upon my chest

Lay with me tonight
till you find your peace
on someone else’s
Dec 2021 · 806
I Will Go
N Dec 2021
I am but a snowy mountain
carrying the heavy weight
of my burning longings

I shall melt completely
to feel the sun’s warmth,
like my lover’s harmful touch

And although nothing will
remain of me in the morning,
I will go knowing I was loved
Different version
Dec 2021 · 832
How The Snow Melts
N Dec 2021
All that I am
is a snowy mountain

Desolate,
carrying a heavy burden
that people call snow

Aching in one place
for an entire season

Longing for
a little warmth
without the risk of love

Love burns me,
and all I ask
for is warmth  

To melt,
I wish to melt
completely

Perhaps,
I will fall in love with
the sun this winter

Or die trying
Dec 2021 · 244
Owned
N Dec 2021
As a kid, I never dared to
have dreams of my own
It was prohibited,
amongst other things

When asked to make
a wish on my birthday,
I only wished for the
nights to stop coming

I grew thirty years older
when my pearl was
stolen by filthy hands  

All I was left with was
an unimaginable
fear of her piercing eyes

I prayed to a cruel god
with every fiber in me
For him to either save me,
or return this body of mine

I lost my self, purity,
and youth all in one night

I died before
I had the chance
to simply live
Dec 2021 · 1.7k
Azrael’s Arms
N Dec 2021
I have never wished
for anything from life

But if there is one thing
I truly wish for before
I am in the arms of death

It is
to be held
by her

To soak in her
warmth, scent,
and harmful touch

To melt deep
between her thighs
till I dissolve completely

To release an inhuman cry
from under my skin into
the dark abyss of her pupils

To be kissed by
her cruel mouth
before death comes to kiss
Dec 2021 · 798
Endlessly
N Dec 2021
Love,
you should have kissed me
before my lips started to bleed

You should have teared me apart
before my flesh turned into
a graveyard of longings, for you

But I promise you this:
No one shall touch me
after you, not even I

My aching body,
my worn out mouth,
my fever-burned eyes,
my hungry heart,
and the rest of me
is yours for a lifetime

Though these words
strangle me to write,
you do not long for
me as you once did

I do not know who else to be
if not your lover all-night long—
Endlessly
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