When,
when will i be able to look at the world and think how lucky i am to be here..
there.
When will i be able to look in the mirror and think of how beautiful i am?
i know that  beauty isn't me,
does not exist in me.
never will i be any type of beauty.
When will i see my life flash before my eyes just like those innocent children playing in the street at night not looking for cars, people who are intoxicated.
My eyes arent wide anymore..
nothing amazes me not even your ******* beauty.
ive seen it all.
******..
violence..
death thats how it goes..
life
its all a game
no one wins we all die all go to hell..
everyone lies..
steals..
hearts have been broken ..
right?
theres no one out there whos not been hurt..
theres everyone out there who has hurt someone in there long long life time..
right?
im right i know it i've done it..
youve done it
they've done it.
hes done it
shes done it
that girl and boy has done it
they'll probably do it to each other..
****** themselves after..
they choose to say goodbye
everyone has done and does it.
no mistakes?
are you kidding me everyone is a mistake in this world of games.
i wish i had already died.
oh baby don't cry
your perfectly fine my dear.
child i know you've gotten broken and you broke him too but you'll be fine.
thats how life is.
its a game everyone loses
everyone dies.
right?
im right i know it.
ive seen it
******
violence
death..

your body is a perfect painted canvas.
your lips are so tempting.
your body so perfect.
you are perfect.
my perfection.
you complete my heart.
you can have my fractured body..just make sure and be careful with it..
it's fragile.
needing love.

i want you.
badly.
i crave your touch.
i crave your kiss.
your lips..
i crave you.
i want you.
badly.
i want to tell you i love you.
i wanna sing for you when your down.
i want you to be mine.
i wanna love you..
show you what i can do.
baby i want you.
more than i want anything.
baby i need you.
more than i need anything.
you're my only hope.
my only possible love.
im scared..
but i need you.

.Filicia.


you finally came back…
your porcelain innocent doll face..looking at my fractured body.
you’re not innocent,
you’re not good,
you’re not real..
you’re not worth my time..
but you are thats exactly whats wrong with me…
i choose to stay even when it’s not possible for you to change; you say..
i know you can change..
i believe in you…
i have faith..little faith and believe in myself but you…
you’re more to me..
than my own life itself.
you can't go..i won't let you..
i will tie you up put chains around you my love will hold you until you can see what you’re worth..
huh,
i have so little energy..
im using it all to run around the merigal round chasing you round’ and round.
im out of breath.
do you see?
i already have caught  up with you..
i know you want to be happy..
be able to laugh without having to swallow it down..
i know you’d like to smile let your teeth show..but instead you hide that beautiful smile of yours with your sleeve..
i know what you’re hiding those scars that are buried beneath your  oh so pale skin..beautiful..thats what they are..
i know what's beneath those clothes of yours beauty..
look at you you’re my super model..
perfect..to me..
lovely..velvet blood stains your clothes..
your velvet red luscious blood drips down your oh so pale but amazingly perfect skin…
im stained with your perfect insides..
you're my drug just the sight of you makes me wanna bleed..
you're so perfect to me.

WHEN I FEEL YOUR HEART BEAT AGAINST MINE IT SENDS SPARKS THROUGHOUT ME.
WHEN I FEEL YOUR BREATH AGAINST MY NECK I WANT TO JUST TAKE YOU AS MY OWN.
AS I KISS YOU I'D LOVE THE MOMENT TO BE CAUGHT BY AN EYE THAT CAN ONLY SEE WHAT IT CAUGHT..YOU AND ME KISSING UNDER THE STARS SHINING BRIGHT.
I WAIT UP AT NIGHT JUST TO SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME TO ME.
AS I CUDDLE YOU I PLACE LITTLE TINY HEARTS ALL OVER YOUR  BACK AS YOU SLEEP NEXT TO ME.
WHEN I SEE YOU I JUST WANNA JUMP INTO YOUR ARMS AND STAY THERE FOREVER.
AS YOU KISS ME UPON THE NECK AND PLACE THEM SLOWLY DOWN TO MY CHEST AND UP THE CURVES OF MY BODY I WONDER WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE WITH YOU MY LOVE.
YOU MAKE ME REACH MY HIGHEST POINTS AND YOU NEVER LET ME FALL.
WHEN I AM AT MY LOWEST POINTS YOU ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MAKE ME SMILE AND LAUGH.
AS WE MAKE LOVE YOU..
YOU TELL ME YOU MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME.
I LOVE YOU.
YOU SAY THAT I DESERVE A GOOD MAN.
AND I SAY I'VE ALREADY GOT ONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
BABY YOU'RE MY WORLD..
MY LIFE AND BEYOND.

i wonder what you're thinking.
who you are thinking of.
when youll say you love me again.
i wonder if you mean it when you say it.
do you?
when you kiss me it feels real.
when your muscular arms wrap around my waist i can feel your heart beating on my back.
do you love me?
you say you do?
but, then you go away for along time without any goodbyes.
i wish i could tell you how i feel.
how i felt when you kissed my neck and whispered in my ear that you loved me.
you take me out so far then you leave me alone.
scared.
hurt.
confused.
what is this.
a game to you.
i love you.
but i don't think you love me.

Is it okay?
That i'm different?
Is it okay?
That I wear black?
My cloths have rips in them?
How about how I wear dark make up?
Well I truly try to be good enough for you for everyone but, me.
Im sorry for being different.
Im sorry but i’ll never be good enough.
I never have been good enough for anyone especially myself.

YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING I NEEDED.
EVERYTHING I WANTED.
EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF.
BUT, I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL INTO YOUR LITTLE TRAP.
I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS.
YOU PLAYED IT OFF LIKE YOU LOVED ME.
LIKE YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER BREAK ME.
YOU SAID YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU AT FIRST.
BUT, THEN YOU SOUNDED TRUTHFUL.
SO I TOOK A STEP FURTHER AND TRUSTED YOU.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME.
YOU KISSED ME LIKE YOU MEANT IT TOO,
YOUR LIPS TASTED OF SWEET SALT.
YOUR WARM ARMS AROUND ME FELT REAL.
SOME HOW.
I TOOK A STEP FARTHER NORTH AND GAVE YOU A PIECE OF MY LOVE.
YOU INSISTED THAT I COULD TRUST YOU.
YOU CALLED ME YOUR LOVE.
I FOOLED MYSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT YOU MEANT IT.
I TOOK A STEP FURTHER EAST AND LET YOU EXPLORE THE FRACTURED ME.
YOU SAID YOU LIKED WHAT YOU SAW.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED EVERY DAMAGED PART OF ME.
YOU CALLED ME PERFECT.
YOU CALLED ME BABY.
I BELIEVED THAT YOU LOVED ME NOW.
SO I WENT SOUTH.
I GOT THERE AND YOU EXPLORED ME FURTHER MORE.
YOU KISSED ME MORE DESPERATELY THIS TIME..
ASKING FOR MORE,
AND MORE.
YOU FOOLED ME TWICE I GAVE YOU MY ALL.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AND MY BODY.
I WENT A LITTLE EAST MAYBE A TIPPY TOE OR TWO.
I LET YOU TAKE ME.
AND YOU PROVED I COULD TRUST YOU.
I DID.
YOU FOOLED ME A THOUSAND MORE TIMES.
UNTIL YOU WERE DONE WITH ME.
THROWING ME AWAY LIKE ALL THE OTHERS THEY SAY.
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME.
YOU PROMISED TO FIX ME.
YOU PROMISED TO NEVER EVER LEAVE ME.
YOU PROMISED THAT YOU LOVED ME AND ALWAYS WOULD.
WHAT YOU DID WAS JUST MAKE MY GUARD HARDER TO PUT DOWN FOR THE NEXT GUY THAT COMES ALONG WANTING MY TRUST,
RESPECT AND LOVE.
I BELIEVE THAT YOU AREN'T A REAL MAN.
YOURE A COWARD.
YOU MESS WITH PEOPLES FEELINGS.
YOURE A TOOL.
YOURE JUST A DECORATION.
A VERY GOOD LOOKING DISPLAY.
YOU TAKE PEOPLES LOVE AND THROW IT AWAY.
YOURE NOT A REAL MAN.
YOU ARE A FAKE.
A PLAYER.
AND NOTHING MORE.
I WILL NEVER FALL FOR YOUR GAMES AGAIN.
TO THIS DAY I STILL LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE THE TYPICAL BOY WHO JUST CATCHES A GIRLS EYE WHEN YOU WALK BY.
BUT, YOU ARE FOR DISPLAY.
A DECORATION.
NO MORE.
YOU CAN LOVE A DECORATION.
OR A DISPLAY.
BUT,
DISPLAYS AND DECORATIONS CAN ONLY BE USED FOR ONE THING.
THEY CAN NOT LOVE.
THEY PRETEND.
THEY'RE FAKE.
I LOVE YOU YOU'RE MY DISPLAY THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO SHOW.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU GRAB HOLD OF MY HEART AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU TAKE ALL MY LOVE AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU THROW ME AWAY AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER FALL FOR YOUR TRICKS AGAIN.
I KNOW YOUR GAME,
YOUR RULES.
HOW YOU PLAY.
AND FOR THE OTHER GIRLS YOU COME UPON
I HOPE THEY BREAK YOU IN HALF TO WHERE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY YOUR STUPID LITTLE GAMES.
I HOPE SHE TAKES YOUR HEART NOT ONLY BREAKS IT BUT CUTS IT IN HALF THEN STOMPS ON IT LIKE YOU DID TO MINE.
I HOPE YOU CRY ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU LOST HER.
I HOPE YOU BREAK.
I HOPE YOU FALL AS FAR AS YOU CAN DROP.
AND WHEN YOU GET TO YOUR ROCK BOTTOM I HOPE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
I HOPE YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR OWN GUILT AND SHAME.
I WISH THAT YOU WILL DROWN IN YOUR OWN MISERY.
I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW BADLY YOU'VE HURT ALL OF THE GIRLS YOU'VE DONE OR BEFORE,
INCLUDING ME.

If you only knew how..
how much i’ve been through..
how much pain i inflict on myself..
even though it really doesn't hurt it just takes the pain away for not long.
If you knew how hard i try..    
to be enough for you..
for society..
for the world..
earth and beyond.
If you knew how many scars i have you’d change your mind..
but you dont know.
If you knew you’d
be scared..
hate me perhaps.

CAN I KISS YOU UNDERNEATH THE MOONLIGHT?
SHOW YOU THE WONDERS OF ME?
ASK YOU IF YOU LOVE ME?
RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR.
KISS YOU SOFTLY ON THE NECK?
LAY ON TOP YOU AND LISTEN TO THE BEAT OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART?
EXPLORE YOU WITH MY HANDS STARTING AT YOUR CHEST.
CAN I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.
CAN I SHOW YOU HOW I CAN LOVE?
SHOW YOU HOW IT CAN BE?
CAN I SHOW YOU THE REAL ME?

IM HELPLESS.
WANTING SOMEONE O HOLD.
SOMEONE WHO'LL HOLD ME WRAP ME IN THERE ARMS AND SAY THEY LOVE ME.
I WANT TO FEEL THE PRESSURE OF THEIR LIPS AMONG MINE.
FEEL THE SILKNESS OF THE TONGUE ON MY NECK.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LAUGH CARELESSLY WITH THEM.
BE ABLE TO WHISPER I LOVE YOU IN THEIR EAR AS WE FALL ASLEP IN THE SAME BED.

I GO TO SLEEP AT EASE WHEN I THINK OF YOU HOLDING ME.
I GO TO SLEEP KNOWING THAT YOU SLEEP UNDER THE SAME SKY AS ME..
I THINK OF YOU CONSTANTLY.
I NORMALLY DON'T FALL TOO EASY.
BUT, YOU YOU'RE SPECIAL SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
YOUVE CHANGED ME.
YOUVE CHANGED MY THOUGHTS.
THE WAY I THINK,
THE WAY I LOOK AT THINGS.
IS THAT GOOD?
OR IS THAT BAD?
I MIGHT BE FALLING A LITTLE TO HARD.
AND MAYBE YOU'LL STAY AT THE BOTTOM AND WAIT TO CATCH ME WHEN I COME TUMBLING DOWN.
OR YOU MIGHT JUST STEP OUT OF THE WAY AND WATCH ME FALL TO ANOTHER HEARTBREAK…
SHOULD I TRUST YOU?
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.
YOU SAY YES.
I DONT KNOW THOUGH.
WHAT DO I DO?
WAIT TO SEE?
OR DO I JUST LEAVE?
NO I CAN'T LEAVE YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME.
WELL,
WE’LL SEE IF YOU LOVE ME SOONER OR LATER.
WHEN I COME DROPPING FROM THE HIGH.
WE'LL BOTH SEE IF YOU'LL CATCH ME OR LET ME FALL
PLUMMET TO MY HEARTBREAK.
I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'LL CATCH ME.
THATS WHAT THEY ALL SAY
SEE LOVE IS A MYSTERY EVERY TIME SO WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY LOVE YOU DONT BE SURE INVESTIGATE FIRST.
I LOVE YOU.
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO CATCH ME.

Can I die?
Well yeah you can they say.
But they don’t  know what I mean.
They don't know I mean **** myself
suffer
pain
die.
I'm asking them please.
They’re saying yes but they don't know what for.
I don't really matter.
can’t they see that I want to die
suffer painfully

just when i thought all my hope was gone.
you took me by my hand
and told me i was wrong.
just when i thought there was no bright light
then you took me to it.
i was amazed by the sight
just when i thought you were gone for good.
you came back to me
and lifted my hood.
to tell me how beautiful i was..
and how much you understood.
one day you lifted up my long black sleeves..
you looked back up at me..
stared me in the eye.
slowly you pressed your lips against the red lines that appeared on my soft pale skin.
i began to cry.
and you held me for the longest time.
soon you had to go..
you walked out the door..
and never came back.
i knew that you loved me..
even though you left..
me alone.
you knew that i was strong enough to handle it on my own.
sometimes i cry because i want you to come back and hold me through the night.

sometimes i wish on a star that never shot through the sky.
sometimes i wish i’d die..
other times i love life.
i am crazy..
no one can help no one dares to get close to me.
it’s too dangerous they say
as if i’d bite them feed on their insides until
they whisper their goodbyes.
i cant even think straight half of the time filled with toxicated poison
i wouldn't hurt them i'm not like him.
he hurt me until my insides were flipped.
until i was making things up in my head that i thought were true.
id whisper things in people's ears that they didn't understand..
they’d look at me as if i were a piece of fresh meat.
i was.
until they beat me rotted me out.
now im dead.
cold as a stone that hasn't been touched in decades.
im hurt.
and alone.

she looked at me with those big wide innocent eyes..again,
i cried,
im crying!
she doesn't care..
what a *****..
she doesn't ******* care!
i'm falling hard..
again.
im falling for her..
again.
i'm breaking to pieces..again.
im dying again for her.

Can I die?
Well yeah you can they say.
But they don’t  know what I mean.
They don't know I mean **** myself
suffer
pain
die.
I'm asking them please.
They’re saying yes but they don't know what for.
I don't really matter.
can’t they see that I want to die
suffer painfully

I would like to die.
Wait…
let me rephrase that
I am dieing
slowly
painfully
in my own guilt
I’ve never really felt happiness
just sorrow and pain
and a pinch of guiltiness
I know how to swim but not as well as my demons do..
if you know what that means
you can only understand
truly if you’ve been through what i’ve been through.
I’m dying and i’m happy while  dying
I like to be in pain.
Is that insane?
yeah it is.
oh well does it look like I really care?
I hope not because I really dont give a ****.
I like dying
I know i don’t look happy but thats ok i’ll only be here for a little longer

as i take a step forward,
i can’t help but look back.
some memories are fading,
and some my mind lack.
my heart starts aching as i remember that life.
the pain is intense,
its like a knife that has stabbed me in the back.
the future is waiting.
but i can’t let go.
the past is fading fast
but my reaction is slow.
i cant let go..
i remember the way your fist felt while it connected with my face.
the way you slammed me up against the wall and began to beat my face..
it will stick with me until i take my last breath.
i will remember the way you laughed when you saw all the bruises you caused.
i refused to look in the mirror day after day then one day i looked at my reflection and i hated it.
because of you i lacked beauty.

why are you looking at me?
stop...looking at me..im addicted to those fiery but icy cold eyes..
i hate you..
but i love you.
you’re so beautiful..
your body and all,
i hate that you don’t see your image the way i do.
you are perfect,
gorgeous,
beautiful..
you are everything that i could ever want.
you are everything that i could ever want to be.
you are everything i’d like to be.
you are everything i’d love to be.
you are everything i’d like to have.
you are everything i’d love to have.
that beautiful body of yours to hold all night..
that mysterious but amazing mind to read..
those soft warm lips against my neck..
those amazingly red lips against my lips..
to feel the cold of your hand on my own..
to hold you when your nightmares take over,
to stare straight into those eyes that attract me, get me everytime..
i’d love to say i love you..
perhaps whisper it in your ear..
my beautiful love,
i’d protect you..save you from tripping on ****** roses..
save your heart from getting crushed..
to catch you when you decide to fall.
i love you.

I wish i knew how to explain..
how much i happen to love you
but, it’s not worth it..
because you cant happen to love me back..
but, i can’t force myself to stop loving you..
its not like that i wish it was tough,
its save me a lot of pain,
torture,
hurt.
and heartbreak.
but, ill go on loving you my dear while you look into her eyes and say that they’re beautiful like you’ve told me before many times actually.
i’ll still be loving you while you caress her with your great love.
i’ll still be loving you as you place that silver ring on her finger.
ill sit here and stare out this empty room into a mirror and think what could i of possibly done.
was it my hair?
the way my lips are in a thin line?
my high cheek bones?
ill sit here and look in this mirror until you come back to me my dear.
i will sit here telling myself that i lost you because of what ive done even though i don’t know what i did to make you run away.
i love you.
love hurts.
i got shot by your bullet and i’m afraid to take the bullet you shot at me out of my heart.

it all started with the first cut.
just one small cut was all i needed.
it made the emotional pain go away.
it made me feel human, a human with feelings.
the first cut
thats all it was.
it slowly grew into more,
the first cut,
its seeable to many but you.
the first cut
came from you.
thats all it was.
everyone was the first cut.
they all came and they never left.
the silk white lines across my skin.
the red lines left but the silkish white lines they will only come, never go.

Can I die?
Well yeah you can they say.
But they don’t  know what I mean.
They don't know I mean **** myself
suffer
pain
die.
I'm asking them please.
They’re saying yes but they don't know what for.
I don't really matter.
can’t they see that I want to die
suffer painfully