In high school middle school and even elementary
I wasn’t in the popular crowd or the cool kids
I was just on the sidelines like I wasn’t even there
I was the kid known as that fairy kid, the queer, and the ****

I wasn’t known as who I really am.

So when I walked down the halls
I could hear them call me names
I saw them point and laugh
I still do.  
I can still remember everyone that has called me names. Queer
I can still feel it resonating in my head. ***
I still hear the laughter in the throbbing pain in my head
like the pressure of my blood pumping through. ****
I see their faces floating around like in the movies.

---In reality sometimes they’re gayer than me

I cried almost every time I was in the shower
No one could hear me
No one could see me
No one could feel the same way as I did

I would always look at the razors sitting there beside me
Trying to get my self to just grab it.
And see if the pain would go away with just one cut
I almost tried to commit suicide

I couldn’t use the razor
The sight of blood makes me faint,
I needed an alternative.
Then fire caught my eye,
and then my skin.

The pain felt like it was cold then like a bee sting all at once
But I did it more I could still hear those names
I could still see them staring and laughing
It wouldn’t go away
It couldn’t

I did this for months
Until I faced the truth that it would never take away the pain
The pain was there, is there, and always will be there
Their face will still laugh and taunt me in the back of my mind

But times are getting better
I have my friends and family to help
The pain is still there just not as bad with their help
But that’s the story behind the smile

And if I was gay
Does it matter?

i miss you
i miss your hallways
i miss seeing all my friends
i miss even seeing the bullies
i need you
i shouldn't of done that
i should have never gave in
But i did and i can't change that

The sun is shining
But why am I sad
The birds are singing
But I am crying
The flowers are beautiful
But I am hideous
The stream is flowing
But the stream is warm
The berries are red
But the red wont stop
The vultures are flying
But I am de

The sun is setting
The light on my skin feels good
The tingle on my skin is unique
The feeling is indescribable
The dark is coming
The faces are appearing  
The laughs are getting louder
The names there calling me
The flame is ignites
The flesh is burning
The pain is stinging
The reality is so strong
The alarm is going off
The body awakes
The mind alert
The dream is gone
The happiness is back