it's that moment when you can finally speak of it without feeling like your lungs are giving up on you.

that's when you know you are past it; or at least on your way.  

and if you're not there yet, keep working towards that moment because, believe me, the air has never felt so fresh.

​
i still sit on my porch and think about every word you've said to me
and all the things i didn't say, or have the guts to say
but i can say i drowned in your smile
and suffocated on your laugh,
i think i lost myself trying to find you.
i can say thank you for showing me how love feels
& showing me how loss feels too
thanks for making me strong for when things fall apart
i can say i still miss you when we're in the same town.
your little brother told me something i'll never forget,
"i'm sorry my brother couldn't love you the way you wanted him or needed him to"
i can admit that that hurt, way more than our distance did.
i can admit i tried to cough up the dandelions you planted in my lungs,
pretty from afar, just like you,
but you're both like weeds; not healthy for beautiful things trying to grow.
i can admit you will always make me feel like love is in my veins instead of blood.
i can admit i wanted you to be the truest love i'll ever have,
maybe it was.
i asked my grandfather how long it would take to not feel this way,
and he responded with "maybe forever, but it will get better. there's so much more to live for."
i can admit when you started showing your true colors, i got scared and wanted to repaint them.
i wish we stayed on the level i loved,
but you can't just spend the rest of your life with someone based on the three layers you know, when there's 97 left to see.
i can say thank you for the memories, but now you're just a memory.
i can admit that's why it wasn't meant to be.

Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws that we try so hard to hide
My friend once told me that she hated the color of her eyes
Just because they weren't the color gray or maybe green
Her exact words, "Brown eyes are so boring and mainstream"
My eyes are brown

Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws that we try so hard to hide
My sister once said she wanted to work out whenever I did
Even though she is just a 9 year old kid
Her exact words "I wanna look like you and weigh 103"
I weigh somewhat close to 130

Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws we try so hard to hide
My cousin said she wishes she had straight hair
She thought maybe her dad would be there
Her exact words "maybe if my hair was straight like daddy's he would love me"
My hair is also curly

Some days I wish I could be blind
That way I couldn't see the flaws we try so hard to hide
I know your flaws are different from mine
And we can forget them, from time to time
But when you're around me
I want you to see what I can see
I love the fact that your eyes aren't green
Brown is a beautiful eye color to me
I love that you weigh so much more than 102
Because if you weighed any less I wouldn't know what to hold on to
And even if you weighed 95 pounds maybe minus point 5
I would find you in my sheets, your heartbeat would be my guide
If your hair didn't curl I wouldn't know what to play with
And even if it was bone straight, I might learn how to braid it
I don't love your flaws, I'm not romanticizing your insecurities
But there are more important things to care about, so many beautiful things to see

I know you could be so happy
If you saw what I can see.