I prefer not to feel
It feels a hell of a lot better than being sad
I prefer numb
I prefer the silence so loud that it burns through my ears
I enjoy the nothing breathing deeper than the ocean
I'd rather feel nothing than feel that feeling of almost empty in the bottom of my stomach
I hate the twists and turns of my heart
I hate the way my gut drops when you say you love me
Because I know it isn't real and it never was
There are so many lost relationships because of my issues with trust
I don't know why but feelings just get in my way
So when you say you feel something there
Please don't be angry when I say that I do not
Please understand when I avoid the question
It's not your fault
I just do not have the answer you're looking for
I would rather say nothing
Feel nothing
**Be nothing

I guess I'm that girl
The one you see sitting on your doorstep after work everyday
The one looking for you during every storm out of fear that you might be blown away
The girl that can't seem to get her mind away from you for more than a few moments
The one who holds you when you start to feel broken

You see, I'm THAT girl
The one who is searching for perfect in all the wrong places
The one who thinks love is when your gone but your thinking of her making silly faces
The one who thinks that just because you throw her a kiss every now and then your supposed to care
But for some reason, your never there
And I'm the girl who thinks thats fair

First comes work
Then family
Then basketball
Then rest
THEN me
And I'm still that girl
Who thinks maybe we can last past this summer
Hoping the kiss you gave means more and I wonder, if every day I'm just getting dumber and dumber

Because I am still THAT girl
Waiting for forever.

I'm so hell bent on fixing him
When I haven't even fixed myself
Fixated on a boy who wants to get inside me
It hurts because he doesn't even seem to like me
He's pretty much my Novacaine
I mean the way he affects my brain
I'm all doped up on his ******* lies
Bet I couldn't get away from him even if I tried
But it's not like I've made an attempt
Some other girl owns his heart and I'm paying that ***** rent
At the same time it could be a hallucination
After all, he is my drug and I'm not to keen on imagination
He's gotta have a good enough reason
For why his feelings change with the seasons
Maybe I'm just driving myself crazy,
But as soon as we got close enough he left me and maybe,
That just means he's afraid and needs someone to save him
Or I'm making up ****** excuses so I can have a reason to crave him
Without feeling like a little kid running after someone like her dad
Someone who leaves me alone wondering and wanting what we had
The only peace I recieve is hiding beneath these tears and sheets
Because finding peace in a person just means it hurts more when they inevitably leave
But why do I care so much
I've always given too many *****
And a while back I promised myself I'd stop
Because I'm afraid of falling and life has too many unseen drops
Kind of like a rollercoaster but you can't see it when you get to the highest point
And on the way down you scream so loud you lose your voice
Then you don't know how or who to ask if you have the right to be ornary
Because he ignores you all day, then night comes and he's *****
Well ****, I guess since I live down the street
I'm supposed to come easy like a nicely cooked piece of meat
In a restaurant for guys like you
But rather than take me on a date you'd have me shoo
I mean I guess I could leave you alone and go away
But then I'd just think about you all day
And wonder why you haven't called or texted
When I know for **** sure you have your phone but everyone says don't stress it
I dont know man
I've fallen so hard it's a struggle to stand
I guess I just refuse to see him for who he really is
A sheltered cold-hearted killer of girls who happen to like him

I'm never sure if I have the right to upset with you.
Because society has sort of thrown clingyness into my face
By telling me I need to learn how to stay in my place
For example if you aren't replying as quickly as me
I guess I'm supposed to take the hint and leave
Just so I'm not known as that needy girl
Who isn't complete without you in her world
And if I happen to actually tell you what's wrong
You'll throw me excuses so I'll feel like you were in the right all along
I'm supposed to display this big show of confidence when ignored
Like I don't need you to have fun when in reality I'm bored
Right now I'm just stuck at this spot and I'm not sure what to do
Should I hide my anger or should I just tell you

Watching cartoons on Saturday Morning.
Go outside to play when it's pouring.
Monsters under the bed, lava on the floor.
Monsters in the closet too! Don't open that door!
Quick! It's a race to see who gets the last swing!
Trying to accomplish everything before the microwave hits zero and dings.
Smiling, laughing, you never had to worry,
But you wanted to grow up in such a hurry,
Now that you're old you wish you were young.
You forgot what it's like to just have fun.
You're all grown up and your imagination is gone,
You're too old for games because you know right from wrong,
Too old for ice cream on a special night,
Too old for everything, that's what it feels like.
It all gets to the point where you just want to run,
Run from growing up because growing up isn't fun

Looking in the mirror she uncaps her marker
She leans forward a bit and begins to draw
Curving her hips into the frame of an hourglass
Pretty at last
Drawing long black hair, soft to the touch
It still isn't enough
She draws a bigger bottom
She's almost got it
She draws thinner legs, with a thigh gap
How about that?
She draws smaller arms, ones that don't jiggle
And a teeny tiny middle
The picture in the mirror is who she wants to be
But it isn't what she sees

She hits the mirror, with all her strength
She regrets it but its too late
Blood is spilling out of her hand
As she does it over and over again
Broken shards lying on her bedroom floor
She hits the mirror just once more
Once last time she gazes at her reflection
Please, pretty girl, see your perfection
Know that the picture you drew
Is not you
And if it was you would be the same
Love yourself, don't be so ashamed
You're beautiful

*Write that on your mirror