too long your lips have stared
into the body of my thoughts,
studying the patterns
and the features,
deciphering the blueprints,
my irrational being

...those petals,
their textures burning in the color,
popping out like embers, fed
every regulated breath

you are compelled
to lick away the dryness,
wipe the prints and traces,
put out the flames covertly...
but make it look casual:
you cannot be caught spying;
or the government of words
denies everything,
severing the strings,
abandoning its secret desire
behind enemy lines,
to be captured, questioned,
and tortured
by your very own
collaborationist conscience

do you remember when you left my bed
for the last time that dark december night?
you were angry and i was cold
i couldn't give you exactly what you wanted--
your desire, a warm invitation into a life i didn't know i'd want
but now as i see you through tinted windows at red light intersections
and i catch our friends saying your name in hushed tones
i find myself face to face with you in my midnight thoughts
wondering what i'm missing from our past life together
slow kisses, warm embraces, soft smiles
the way you held my hand as you drove your car
the way you grabbed my neck and pulled me closer
the way you wiped away these incessant tears
all the things that kept me close to you
but i can't forget the things that pushed me away
echoing arguments, unrealistic expectations, alcohol-dependent nights
the way your irreverent temper slashed my autonomy
the way you despised sobriety but only around me
the way that I was never enough
do you miss me like i miss you,
or do you hate me like i hate you?

I see what I want and I take it. I do not care about the consequences of my actions. I would rather be feared than loved. I do as I please and revel in the satisfaction of making gains. I walk around politely and appear normal, but inside I am a menacing form with little in the way of remorse. I do not act with reason but in self interest alone. I prey on the weak and the unsuspecting. I leave broken and shattered lives and destruction where ever I go. I wear a mask of illusion for I need no reason at all.

When she was alone
And when no one was home
She would close her eyes
And look up to the sky

"I know that your there"
She would say in despair
"But why aren't you here"
"Why did you disappear"

When she was afraid
Her burdens she laid
On the one up above
Who showed her such love

When she looked up to the sky
All she did was cry
Because he loved her so
That he made her his own
And now she has a home
Because she looked up to the sky

We would sneak on your rooftop during every thunderstorm
Watch raindrops kiss our flannels closer  together before we knew just how powerful the clouds could be

Lightning cracked
And just like that
It's Wednesday morning
This ceiling fan drowns out that wet pitter patter as I sit up in bed
Estimating how much water these bodies can hold
I tell myself the rain here settles down better than I do

I close my eyes
Pretend every droplet becomes another letter you sent for me
Pretend my silence now is just as deafening as my silence then
And the skies rip open
Your voice drips down my window pane onto my carpet
Asks me one last time for an answer

So I just want you to know
When we grabbed our hearts and became the flood
I thought we would be free
This nefarious rubble is all that's left
And now you're gone

I haven't slept much since I left
Most nights I stand at my window and wait for the wind to greet me
If I stand close enough, I can spot the stream behind my bedroom here
The sound it makes at night frightens me