i never intended to start smoking
i promised
but when you kissed me with smoke on your lips
i needed a way
to make that last forever

There is nothing more comforting than warmth
Rays of sun painting my cheeks red
Blistering campfires that tickle my toes
My own blood trickling down my arm
As I looked into the bathroom mirror I felt nothing but
Warmth
Toxic words that had been spat at me disappeared down the sink
A blurry fist fight faded to memory
My black eye and bleeding nose ceased to pain me
All I felt was the red blanket coating my arm
It doesn't hurt
I feel nothing
Silver pens write terrible tragedies in red ink
But they also write happier endings for troubled minds
I am my own demise
My destruction
There is no conductor and my train is off the rails
Spinning, racing out of control
And stopping at a red light
Red lights that pool into one in my palm
Translucent, reflecting the light above me
I see red
I feel warm
I taste fate
She can't hurt me as long as I am warm

I will leave this world with no blood on my hands but my own.

Ever since I first laid eyes on your scars
I knew
I wanted to be your hero
I can't save you
No only you can do that
I am your hero on the sidelines
Cheering you on as you take on the world
Kissing the scrapes and bruises and picking you up when you fall
I am here to make sure you keep going
I cannot save you
I'm just here to remind you that you're worth the effort
I will never leave
I want to be your hero

You do not know pain
I repeat
You do not know pain
Not until you have watched the words "I do not care"
Fall out of the lips of the person you hold most dear
You do not know pain
Not until they look at you and smile
While you fall apart
You do not know pain
Not until they act as if the world is well
As yours comes crumbling around your feet
You do not know pain
Not until they have nothing left to say
Letting you pour yourself into apologies you have no right saying
You do not know pain
Not until they ignore your very presence
As you walk around turning into the ghost they want you to be
You do not know pain
Not until your love and your heart belong to such a cold soul
A cold soul that once warmed your insides and reminded you of hope
You do not know pain
Not until they steal your last ray of sun
And give it to someone who once meant nothing when you meant the world
You do not know pain
You do not know Pain

We drink to make each other more tolerable.
Whiskey washes over the painful memories of broken trust and promises.
I don’t remember the last time we didn’t fight.
It’s like I love you too much to care anymore.

I’d give you the world if I could,
but that’s easier said than done.
You don’t want me to be so kind to you;
and that’s something I’ll never understand.

Don’t forget who I was before you tore me apart.
I was a pieced together puzzle;
until deconstruction became your hobby.
You became my demise.

Tears trickled down my wrinkled shirt the day you left.
In our life wine rhymed with love
and water tasted like sacrifice.
There are only so many wounds liquor can heal.

New stains painted my shirts,
not tears or wine.
Red cuffs covered up memories of you.
Blood washed down the drain just before you came back.

Now it’s too late to save us.
Maybe we were doomed from the start.
But I’ll refuse to believe we weren’t perfect for each other.
Not until God tells me otherwise.

I suppose I’ll see him soon and ask for His opinion.
Your embrace has never felt more soothing
as my vision blurs to black.
You whisper sweet thoughts you should’ve said before.

We drank to make each other more tolerable.
I couldn’t think of someone I’d rather tolerate.
When I embark from dark to light I’ll remember you.
I love you too much to care anymore.

Being happy is a choice
I can wallow in self pity for the rest of my life
Or I can wake up excited to be alive and to be breathing
I want to see beauty in cracks on the sidewalk
I want to be content, ecstatic, elated
Every ******* day
I am going to be happy
I will not be held back
I will breathe in sunshine and exhale rain clouds
Happiness is far more beautiful than this sadness
I will not feel sorry for my past
I am obligated to make the best of it
I will be happy
Because happiness is a choice

I am an incredibly jealous person
I am not proud of this
It feeds off of my anxiety
And consumes me from the inside out
My insecurities are reflected back at me
Fear of not being enough
Worried you will leave because of who I am
I can't make you stay
I won't beg
I will just try and give you one million reasons
Why I am worth it
So don't joke about that girl in your class
Or that actress you love
It's ridiculous
But it hurts me more than you will ever know
I never think of anyone but you
Do me a courtesy and at least
Pretend you only have eyes for me

Quit smoking
I want you to be in my life
My whole life
Let me be your oral fixation
I'll drift like smoke from your lips
I can warm your insides
And I don't leave ashes
My love doesn't end at the filter
Quit smoking
Don't leave me
Be here
Forever

Many people fear their past
They look back terrified
Ashamed
Worried it will repeat itself

I'm not sure I am
My past is riddled with darkness
It is millions of mistakes sewn into billions of memories
I have seen darkness
But I will not become
Darkness

I have laid down on cold bathroom tiles
Grasping for air and drowning in pain
I have bled myself out for a love I will never have
I have seen death
I have stopped death
I have watched friends fall into puddles of misery
Before my very eyes
I have woken in the beds of strangers
And taken my leave without a trace
I have been beaten to a pulp by a lovely friend
Who still insists she can't remember
I stayed home when they go out
Because I can't bare to see sunlight

But I will not become darkness
My past has no bearing on my future
Because I have also seen light
And it is good
Illuminating
But mostly just good

My mother told me to surround myself with good people

People who bring out the best in me

But what if I don't have a best side

What if I'm just a bad person

Who should I surround myself with then

I think they all agreed I should surround myself with empty space

It's our number
I've worn it since third grade
You had it sewn to your shirt in high school
It's the date we first kissed
In that ****** bar next to my ****** apartment
24
It's the day that you asked me to kiss you only
You were going to say something by the ocean
But your nerves got the best of you
So you asked me in your car instead
And I said yes in the passenger seat
24
It's the hours a day that I have you on my mind
Always thinking about the taste of your lips
And the way you make me fall in love
More and more each day
And it will be the day that I ask you
To spend the rest of your life with me

I have never felt so hurt.
Listening to the words I love you, I love you, I love you
Fall from your mouth that night
You gave me drunken hope
Kissing me so desperately with tears in your eyes
Begging me to feel the same way
Telling me to love you in the morning
I do, I will, forever
Saying you only slept with those people to make me jealous
I did the same
You only wanted to be with me
For the rest of your life
Crying, sobbing, biting
You held onto me like you'd fall to hell if I let you go
It was so honest
Pouring your heart out
You gave me the courage to pour mine out to you
And I did.
We got back home and you pulled me onto your bed
Saying my name over and over and over again
You pulled on your sheets and grabbed my hair
Begging me to kiss you again
And I did.
The ***** did its job and put us to bed
I woke up in the morning waiting for you to say
Do you love me in the morning?
Because I do, I will, forever
Nothing.
You played the fool and recalled nothing from that night
The night that meant the world to me
You ignored the hickeys on my neck and my swollen lip
You said the bruise on your thigh was from something else
And then you say that lies only flow when you're drinking
It was all a lie, but one you don't remember for me
You're lying
One way or the other
You either love me desperately with your whole soul
or hate me so much you want to **** my heart and watch me die

What a sad existence
Waiting by the phone
Looking out the window
Sitting in lecture
Listening to sad songs
Watching you laugh with someone else
Smoking on the train
Willing to die just to feel something
Just to see what it's like

There's no doubt that purity can be found in a shower

Everyone that has wronged you never existed

Every sin you committed turns to steam and floats to the ceiling

That's where they stay

All our sins

I think best in the shower

It has something to do with all my sins

Because my ceiling is black

I love being your friend
Telling you jokes makes me smile
Holding you while we watch Food Network sends me to the stars
Dancing with you on Friday nights heals my soul

But I want to heal you in a different way
I want to kiss you from head to toe so you know I love you
I need to wake up next to you so you know I'll never leave
I crave the feeling of your cheeks under my palms

I want to be your hero
Rush in the door before you leave more scars
Bandage up the old
And make you forget that horrible past

But you don't want a lover
You need a friend
I want more but if it makes you unhappy
I'll wait forever

if i write you a poem while i m drunk will you
still love
me in the
morning
would yuo take me
two breakfast or for coffee
wood you kiss me befroe i leave
and miss me while i am gonw
can you look at me liek
i am yur sun and moon and sea
love me becuase i wrote
you a poem while i was
drunk
i am
drunk

I would hate to become one asset of myself
What if I was only shy
or organized
What if I was simply irritable
or just funny
What if I was only good at math
Nothing else
If I was a one dimensional being
How sad would it be
To be defined by one part of yourself
I am whole
I am my own person
I can be all those things
You wouldn't define me by one attribute
So don't define me by who I love
Because she is my one "Only"

I'm not going to say it's easy loving someone with depression. It's difficult, it's repetitive, it means taking one step forward and two steps back. Sure, it's not easy but if you do it right it will be the most beautiful thing you ever do. They never listen when you compliment them. But when they can't see their worth it's like a masterpiece that is just yours to marvel at. Don't be discouraged when a bouquet of flowers doesn't make them smile. Don't get angry when they sleep in the other room. Keep bringing them flowers, keep brewing warm cups of tea, keep trying. Because on good days there is nothing more beautiful than their smile or the sound of their laugh. Some days you may want to give up. Just remember why you've loved them this long. Remember the freckles on their face or the curve of their lips and the way they keep you coming back even on dark days. You can't solve anything but you can hold their hand while they face the world. You can't stop the bad days but you can wipe tears from reddened cheeks and kiss the monsters away for the night. You can't promise it will be over tomorrow but you better promise to be there when tomorrow comes.

You are a mystery to me
Illusive and wandering
Like sun rays painted on our walls
Coming and going like the days
Your mood swings are like clockwork
Up, down, up, down
But I've never learned to tell your time
I can hold you for a moment
Before you drift away again
Leaving me in the dark
I can't seem to keep track of you
Because smoke doesn't cast a shadow

I see you in my dreams
You're magnetic
I'm drawn to you and we fit like a puzzle
But only in my dreams
In reality, I'm not sure you know my name
I see stars when we kiss
And can't control my hands
But only in my dreams
In reality, we've hardly spoken
I could hold you forever
I could watch the moon in your eyes until God calls us to him
But only in  my dreams
In reality, you don't think of me at all
I'm in love with you
But only in my dreams

When I come off as rude to you
I am defending myself
When you accuse me of projecting my feelings on you
I am defending myself
When I disagree with you
I am defending myself
And you call it a fight
You say terrible things about the one who cares the most
To be with you I need to be totally submissive
But I will not give up who I am to please you
I will not become what you want in order for you to love me
So when you say you don't love me
And I look at you in disbelief and scoff
It is because I have given you so much to love
And you give nothing in return
It is exhausting and I am tired of loving a wall of emotionless energy
And I am the enemy because I love differently than you do
It is not a sin for me to defend who I am
I am not a sinner
I am a lover, a defender of my own honor
Because you will never protect me from anything

It feels like you are trying to give me reasons to leave you
It's like you're testing my affection
When you deprive me of kisses
Hugs
Love
When you leave in a huff
You ignore me just to see how it feels
You flirt with other girls to watch me get jealous
When you tell me that I will grow tired of you
Testing me
But you don't plan on leaving, what are you doing
I don't think you understand the depths of my adoration for you
I could sit at the bottom of the sea and that wouldn't measure up
Nothing you could do or say could make me turn away
I am hopelessly bonded to you
I will ceaselessly care for you
Unconditionally love you
I will want to kiss your lips until you turn to dust
I will hold you tight until you pull away
I will have nothing but desire for your until I live my last day
Maybe even after that
I will take you with me into the unknown
I will carry you with me into darkness
And into light you will be with me
You will never be alone or without an admirer
No matter what you do
I am forever with you
For you
On your team
Until the end of time

I admire my heart
I have loved and lost more than most
My heart has been beaten and battered
But at the end of the day it still beats
It beats for every person who broke my heart
For every person that has regretted it
For every single heart that drowned in my sea
For every last fling and ****
For every missed call and lost love
We are still living
I am still breathing
My blood stays inside my body now
I will never miss a chance to say "I Love You"
I have so many flaws and imperfections
But my heart is not one
It is big and warm
I am not giving up on love
I am not afraid of love
I have fallen many times
But we get back up and love again tomorrow
It pulses through my veins with ease
I can't imagine anything more beautiful than giving someone a piece of you
As long as I have a heart
I have something to offer
As long as I have love within me
I have something to give
Because at the end of my life
I will get it back
That is beautiful

I need you to do me a favor
It's nothing big
No grand gestures
It's nothing you can't handle
It's actually very easy
Open yourself up to me
Let me love you
Love me
Open yourself up to the idea of you and I
Give us a chance
We've only just begun
Times get tough
Life throws obstacles our way
But let's tackle them with grace
Don't shut down
Don't let yourself go
Because if you slip away from me
I am going to lose myself
And you in the process
I won't be able to handle that
Kiss me when you leave for work
Tell me you love me
Let yourself fall

I use "being a writer" as an excuse

to drink alone

far too often.

I'm afraid of the dark
And you're afraid of love
Together you'll hold me at night
And I'll remind you why you have nothing to fear
Because I have enough love
And you have enough light

It's a shame that you sleep fine and I'm left sitting on the balcony using my wrist to put out the cigarettes I need to fall asleep.
Why are you okay? Why am I not?
You're the one taking medicine. I'm the one killing myself.
How come you like seeing me so utterly upset when all I want is to see you laugh again?

You are too cold
Your touch is like ice against my warm skin
I give and give
I breathe fires of love into your heart
And you remain frozen
Nothing can melt your freezing exterior
Let me in
For heaven's sake I want to love you
I want to keep you warm in this winter you're trapped in
I don't think you know how to love anything
Not even yourself
Not me
I am so filled with emotion and heat
I will not live in the vast nothingness with you
You are too cold
Too cold for me
And I will not freeze my heart in your wake

They say love never fades
But time heals all wounds
I don't understand
If we never move on from love
How do the wounds stop hurting
They don't
They start to hurt less and less
Until the one you love bursts back into your life
Like a ******* bulldozer
It hurts like hell
All that work trying to unlove them will go to waste
Because a tiny spark on gasoline will cause a fire
I will never stop loving those who have parts of me
It's scary knowing they're out in the world
Walking around with pieces of my heart
That I'll never get back
So my advice to you is
Let go of those whose love you lose
Because you will always love them
Love never fades
So do your best to stay away

They say you are in charge of your happiness
No one can change the way you feel
But I say you are making me happier than I have ever been
The days are longer and more lovely
The rain feels like renewal
The wind is at my back pushing me forward
The sun lifts my spirits to Heaven
I can't help but smile whenever you're near me
We are finally together and I am finally whole
You made me happy
I was lost and confused
But your love led me out of the darkness and into the light
I don't know how long we will have
But if it up to me
Let's start with forever

You are my air, my sun, my moon, my stars, my life.

You’re in the breeze, the ocean, the trees and the sidewalks.

You take each breath for me and every drop of blood coursing through my veins is yours.

You fill up every second, minute, hour and day.

You haunt my dreams, nightmares and every waking moment.

Your voice is in every love song I hear.

You live in every tear that rolls down my cheeks because they’re all for you.

You place every blade to my skin because it’s the only way you’ll know you’re beautiful.

You’ve made my life wonderfully and tragically lovely.

You are every bit of me and when I turn to dust I shall live inside your heart.

You saved me and you will be the death of me.

My grieving process is warped because of my family.
They yell at me, hurt me and upset me.
Then ten minutes later act as if nothing is wrong.
How can my sister say she is going to **** me then be so kind when my mother walks in the room?
How can she blackmail me with all my secrets that she knows then ask to hear more?
It hurts and I'm tired of it.

Where do you go?
When the light fades from your eyes and you turn your face from me
Where do you go?
When your smile floats from your lips and you lose yourself
Where do you go?
When I'm not around to feel your heart beat next to mine
Where do you go?
When you watch raindrops collect on your windowsill
Where do you go?
When you see the world without any light
Where do you go?
When I kiss you before you board the plane
Where do you go?
When you don't call me back for days and weeks
Where do you go?
When you refuse to speak when I ask you
Where do you go?
When you can't help but cry in front of a mirror
Where do you go?
It must be a horrible place and I want you to **stay here with me

I crushed him out in cigarette butts
Distinguished his flames in my cup of coffee
Watched the smoke of his words disappear in the air
I threw out his pillows and toothbrush
Even the sock I found in my twisted sheets from the night before
I don't see him at the bottom of bottles
But I keep looking
Maybe the next one
Or the next one
Maybe in the hospital
He's not here either
But I loved him so
I love him more now that he's gone

I am right-handed

That means that my left side

Is covered in scars

oh how lovely it is to lock eyes
amidst the fog and shining lights
thumping music fades to absolute nothing
grab my hand, i'll hold your drink
i don't care if you're drunk as ****
we both know i want you more than anything
so lick your lips and pull me close
let's kiss in front of all these people
i don't mind playing the fool for you
burn my skin with your touch
and heal your wounds with mine
i dont care if you're drunk as ****
we both know i want you more than anything

I want to watch you
But it's hard when I can't
Think
Think
Think straight
Stop changing the channels in my head with your magic remote
It's this then that
What do you want
Where do you want me to look
My eyes cross until I focus
That book
Your hand on my cheek
The bug on your wall
Tiny chips in the laminate floor
Come back
Come back to me
Give me my mind back
I need drugs to stay on task
I don't want to be defined by my attention span
Look over here, kiddo
Attention please, baby
I'm no kid
I am grown
Grown up, why does this happen to me
I should sit through meetings
I can't sit still
Sit with me
Drugs don't help, I don't want them
I can't focus on which is which
Those are for kids, I'm grown
I don't need drugs to stay on task
I need drugs to stay on task
Look here
Over there
Up at me
To you
Vying for my attention
Every last object on my desk
Every pair of eyes in the room
I need drugs to stay on task

I don't like dreaming anymore.
When I sleep I see you
I feel you
I kiss you
I hold you
I squeeze you and you squeeze back
But those few hours of euphoria
are not worth a waking life of missing you
I can't open my eyes and watch you fade into a memory
Your lips fizzle into a lingering taste on my tongue
It hurts to wake up and if I have to do it one more time
I promise it will be the last
I've lost you more times than I can count
And it's not fair
It's so unfair that my last dream will be the best
By far.

You say you don't want me in your head
But how can I do that when I'm always in your bed

I’m in love with the way you scrunch your nose when you smile at me
I’m in love with the way you dot your I’s and cross your t’s
I’m in love with the way you walk down the street
I’m in love with the way you look when we meet
I’m in love with the way your hair falls in your face
I’m in love with the way you make my heart quicken its pace
I’m in love with the way you find everything funny
I’m in love with the way that you spend your money
I’m in love with the way you hold my hand
I’m in love with the way you listen to your favorite band
I’m in love with the way you speak when you’re drunk
I’m in love with the way you keep me out of a funk
I’m in love with the way you pay attention in class
I’m in love with the way you sit in the grass
I’m in love with the way you refuse to dance
I’m in love with the way you get me in a trance
I’m in love with the way you stare at the sky
I’m in love with the way you make me ask why
Don’t ever change the way that you are
It’s made you perfectly perfect so far
I want you to know that this is all true
When lies had been many and truths had been few
I know that you hurt and I know that it’s hard
Don’t be afraid to let down your guard
I’m in love with the you that’s deep inside
The one you try so hard to hide
Let me love every single bit of you
Honest to goodness I swear that I do

living on the edge of my seat is no way to live
constant butterflies flap their wings in my chest
i don't know how to stop it all
how do i live without fear, how do i live with it
they say I'm brave
but i am constantly afraid
to turn a corner or a page
to say hello or goodbye
to shake hands or hold you close
to kiss you or push you away
i am afraid
anxious…….
living as a ghost of myself in a world of warm blooded people
tapping my toes and biting my fingertips
until they bleed
pulling at my lips until they burn
it hurts and theres no cure
i can't sit still, i can't wake up
those butterfly wings are going to fly me far away from here
and i am not not not coming back
if i can't live without fear
i will not live at all

I got headaches all the time
Give me some time make you mine
You can't see any of my ghosts
You're the one that haunts me most

I can't open up easily
I am in love lazily
You can't fix up my soul
But you're the one makes me whole

Want me to take you out with me
But I gotta stay free
If you need me let me go
I will always come home

I'm bleeding from the inside out
But you're the only one I think about
No one has to know about it
How easily we fit
Pour your heart out to me
I'll show what we could be
Kiss me in a crowded room
Your love for me is doomed

I am never gonna be the one
I am too much into having fun
Settle me down tonight
I'll give into you without a fight

Pick up my broken heart
We weren't meant to work from the start
I'm leaving you before the morning
Without so much as a warning


I'm bleeding from the inside out
But you're the only one I think about
No one has to know about it
How easily we fit
Pour your heart out to me
I'll show what we could be
Kiss me in a crowded room
Your love for me is doomed

Don't sleep on me
I may be small in a wide world of people
But my heart is big and my intentions are good
Don't sleep on me
I may look timid and blush when I'm in public
But I am a force to be reckoned with and I am strong
Don't sleep on me
I may seem innocent and naive
But I can bring a passion into your life you thought would never be
Don't sleep on me
I may stutter and trip on my words
But I can speak volumes and write eloquently about your eyes
Don't sleep on me
I may tear up during sad films
But I will blind anyone who tries to hurt you
Don't sleep on me
I may kiss your forehead softly in public
But I will make sure the neighbors know my name
Don't sleep on me
I may seem quiet and forgettable at first
But we will share moments you will dream about in 50 years
Don't sleep on me
I may beg you to stay when you try to go in the morning
But I will not lose sleep over you

You and Me are like two and three.
You always come first.

You're the only person I want to be around when I'm upset.
I need you.
I love you.
You mean the world to me.
You're beautiful.
It kills me to see you hurt yourself.
I wouldn't be alive without you.
You saved my life.
You make me so happy.
You will always be relevant.
Thank you.
I miss you.
Don't leave, stay with me.
I wanted to see you.
You always know what to say.
Hold me.
I need to talk to you.
I'm so sorry.
Come live with me.

And all of that means nothing because of one simple sentence:
"I will never know what to do about the way you love me. I can't."

The most painful bit
Is going through my day as if nothing is
Wrong
You know me better than anyone
And it hurts that I am keeping this
Secret
Watching you do dishes
Or fold laundry and I fall more in
Love
You're my greatest friend
And my most intense
Pain
I am tragically in awe
Every single time you
Laugh
And you have no idea
That my mind replays every
Kiss
When you've most likely
Forgotten each and every
Touch
So I will not profess
My undying affection for
You
Not until I am sure
That you will feel the
Same

The love of my life doesn't have messy blonde hair
or strong arms and blue eyes.
The love of my life doesn't speak my language
or sleep in my bed at night.
The love of my life can't come to dinner at my parent's house
or kiss my lips before he goes to work.
The love of my life will never leave
or dry up
or lie to me
or cheat.
In fact, the love of my life doesn't belong to me.
He is as wide as the Earth and blue as the sky.
He is older than the trees and stronger than fire.
He kisses my toes on the sand and cleanses my sins.
He is everlasting.
He is life-giving and selfless.
The love of my life is God's greatest masterpiece
and every artist's dream.
The love of my life does not judge or condemn.
The love of my life is beauty beyond compare.
Reflecting the sun and the stars and the moon.

The love of my life is the
Sea.