she is the neon glow but i am the rusty sign
she is the moonlight but i am the the dusty ground
everybody says they need to add a light angelic
the kind that only can be found in the hearts of
pretty girls like her on nights like this
a light that leaves you in such peace with all you have done
and become
a light that leaves you beautifully complete
with mind romancing reasons to capitulate
its not so bad after all this carpetbagger life
with your tidal water jewels and ransom notes
with your fragrant notions
and whispered dreams
its that angelic light that leaves hope when all other lights have gone
its that angelic light from the young girls heart that gives
breath to old man dreams
and a younger man's schemes
let me dance a little longer in her angelic light
let me taste these last few passing moments sweetly
it is that angelic light that gave me reason to go on
its that promise that still keeps the daylight alive
so let me sell you some tidal jewels
and strands of golden thread
let me invite you to sit in the angelic light while we sip the wine
and pass the summer's time
old man dreams
and young man's schemes
they seem so kind
in the angelic light

She emerged from within the fire, which is something to admire,
Yes, she showed us darker days.
She turned good girls into liars, and when the moment had turned dire,
None could be found to to cease her wicked ways.

This is my secret confession
Where I lived a life of deception
Blinded as I was I chose not to see
That all I was courting was just pure controversy

You see I thought that I could juggle both fire and ice
When all I was balancing were just lies
They say I can't have my cake and eat it too
Greedy as I was I chose not to listen even if it was true

In the end I juggled both up high into the sky
Where they disappeared without a goodbye
Now I sit here all alone
All alone with my bag of methadone

When I opened my eyes to the world,
Everything was beautiful and new.
But now everything seems tarnished,
Nothing sparkles like it did.
Time passed and the beauty faded.

I would have done anything for him,
Does it make me a bad person?
We all knew the truth,
But no one dared to speak a word.
The little lies and bruises floated by.

Save yourself, is what they said,
Even if they didn't say it.
But I thought it was true,
That it was better how it was.
I thought he was beautiful.

Going through each day
Looking happy and worry-free
'I am fine', I always say
But there is something they cannot see
Something hidden deep inside
So that no one could know
The scar I used to hide
My woebegone soul it would show
Still learning how to mend my heart
Looking at the shattered pieces of it
Seeing what's still left after it had been torn apart
Picking up each fragment bit by bit.

I was all edges and jaded eyes
Long before
you met me, with sweet smiles
- all teeth
My laugh gets louder
I get taller
But I was only edges
Before you met me

I'm sorry but I think
You would've liked me
Before when I was innocent,
always straightforward

Than this twisted
Hardened joke I've become.

You need to go.
Before I become too dependent
You have to go.

Little toy car, why so
Blue? Is it because there's seven
hundred miles between me and
you? So pull me in then
let me out, my lonely
heart is on a round-about.

Little photo why so
faded? Is it because you and
I are separated? In five more days I
will be home, and then we can
truly be alone.

© A. Leigh

• it's not that i don't love you
it's that when i was six, my mothers eyes were verdant fields illuminated by her laughter.
it's that my father came home that night, whiskey absorbed into his tongue, lavender lingering on his skin, the last two buttons of his shirt still undone.
it's that i always thought it was a tree branch caressing the windowpane at 2am.
when she was crying to the walls for help.
it's just that when he left, she started sleeping with the light on,
and her eyes died with winter's approach.
when they were together, her skin was a canvas for violet hues that burned like gin against your throat so she could never hug me.
it's that, last november when they healed, she painted them again - but this time in red.
it's that my mother didn't wear lavender.

• it's not that i don't love you
it's that my older sister doesn't leave her bedroom. i wonder if she misses the sunlight, or maybe if that's the problem.
it's that she told me that if people were colours he'd be red.
because she sees him in the sky when it sets.
and in the leaves that have been kissed by autumn.
it's that it's been a year, since she wrote that letter with scribbled letters and scattered thoughts,
talking about the way he said her smile reminded him of old movies,
and cotton candy.
and that she still loved him.
it's that last summer she went outside to feel his presence,
in the graveyard by the river - accompanied with lost lovers and broken hearts.
and it's that she came home and took a blade to her left wrist - heartbreak oceans leaving the sink painted scarlet.
it's that when the doctor asked her why she did it, she replied with:
"i forgot what red looked like."

• it's not that i don't love you
it's that once, my therapist told me about his wife.
and that she left him because her heart didn't beat for him anymore.
it's that when i told him my cat ran away last week
he smiled gently but with his eyes,
and replied, "don't worry, she's coming back."
like he had recited that phrase to himself a thousand times this week,
it's that i saw hope peck him on the cheek,
and ignite his eyes,
it's that i know they did that when she laughed like honey was melting into her tongue, or when she told him she loved the way his right eye was more green than the left.
it's just that, during my last visit,
he asked about my cat again,
and i had to tell him, "it's been months, i don't think she's coming home."
it's that he cried sapphire pools of misery,
because his eyes told me
he knew she wasn't.

it's not that i don't love you
*it's that i do

Are you proud of me now? I get only A's and B's, I don't get in trouble, I'm a great kid. But I cry myself to sleep and sometimes wish I weren't alive. But that's okay as long as you're proud. You see my grades and you see my friends but you don't see the mask I wear to please everyone. You give me attitude amd I got that from you so you yell at me a lot, "Oh no don't cry, it's not the end of the world" but it could be the end of mine. Now I don't cry in front of you, I need you to be proud please don't hate me. Are you proud of me now? I look happy so yoh don't worry, I look happy so you're proud. Please don't yell, I'm trying my best please be proud of me. I want to die but I'm still alive. Are you proud of me?