Falling
heels over head
like Alice down the rabbit hole.

every sense of security
being right out of reach

Tumbling through chaos
pushing through the past
to find some sense of clarity
that i never new existed.

A reality that I only saw on the big screen
forever unattainable
yet now-
staring me right in the face.

and for once - i'm looking right back.
because this time-
i'm falling hard and I don't want to get up

It's a tricky game
full of smoke and mirrors.

unable to determine real from fake

but then there is you.

A real thing that i try to pick apart -
trying to find a red flag amongst
a sea of green.
for no reason.

I don't deserve this.

I'm a sham, a fake, a phony.
all bark - no bite

Hiding behind humor
hoping you don't notice.
hoping your name continues
to hit my screen

I wait
like a sitting duck
to be struck again by
the blow of disappointment.

I don't know why I think
each time will be different
But I wait--
just in case

You were a cancer
Unknown
Slowly breaking me down from the inside out
Leaving me much more damaged than imagined

I’m sorry
I won’t do it again
I was wrong
You were right
I will be better
I can be better
The only sentences that were allowed in my vocabulary

As we know, cancer has long lasting effects
And here I am
Still shrinking when I feel like I’ve done something wrong
Preparing myself for hurtful words when I feel like I’ve disappointed someone.

You were a cancer
Unknown
Until you found another to break

I’m sick of being tired
Constantly on the go
Because if I don’t leave enough time for myself, than I don’t have to acknowledge that i’m not doing ok.
I’ll keep overbooking my schedule until I’m so far run into the ground
That all that’s left to do is place the stone.

Im sick of being tired
Every action dictated by a thousand various imagined world exploding outcomes.
None of which come true.
Because if I’ve thought of every single thing that CAN happen- I can’t be surprised, disappointed, or let down, when it does occur.
The last thread of control in my grasp
But my grip is growing weak.

I’m tired of being sick
knowing that something isn’t right and constantly trying to figure it out.
Like trying to find Waldo on the page.
Everything becomes a blur of colors, frustration grows, until, right in front of you all along, there he is, the mystery solved.
Until you turn the page.

And I’m tired of being sick
and continuously adding names to the list of people I feel I disappoint.
True or not
It’s rapidly growing.

I want to feel ok
But I don’t
I want my friends to think I’m ok
But I’m not
I want to break free from this circle
But,
Really,
I’m sick of being tired
And I’m tired of being sick

She was full of life with a hunger for adventure.

Everyday she traveled to the ends of the earth to bring you back all of the happiness that you needed to sooth your racing soul.

But no matter how treacherous the journey, she always persisted, she would never let you down.

But as each day passed, each journey got harder and each time she returned, more exhausted than before and the happiness and joy that she wanted to share with you was never good enough - no matter how hard she tried.

Each song that she showed you, you said wasn’t your taste

Each accomplishment she was proud of, you were less than impressed

Each smile was never quite bright enough

Stomach not flat enough, hair not soft enough, kisses not sweet enough, each blink not quick enough, each breath not shallow enough.

Her mind was never sharp enough to keep up with your greatness.

Because you were royalty, the ruler or all, controller of time. But that is only how you saw yourself. The rest saw you as a crazed puppeteer trying to control the uncontrollable.

Which is quite the feat,
but you cracked the code.

Tell me,
How do you control the uncontrollable?

You break what isn’t meant to be broken until the point of being unfixable. But you fix them and break them like a record on repeat.

Showing them that you are the only one who can fix it, but like god you can take it away

So the girls who dreamt about falling in love walk on eggshells each day as to not **** it up.

To spare themselves from the verbal berating of
“i’m the only one who will ever care”
and the
“no one will ever love you like i do”
and the best of them all
“no matter how hard you try, you are and will never be good enough.”

When a lie is told too many times you believe it to be true.

Forever the ball and chain on the ankle keeping them grounded when the winds of someone new would come by.

Because who wants a girl who is damaged?

The instructions are shredded and in a language I don’t understand.

People come and they go, fixing and tweaking, leaving and taking parts along the way.

Forever a mismatch, an unmatched sock that you just throw out.

But someone, somewhere will help her understand her unreadable instructions

I’m so tired of watching my phone hoping that every notification reads your name.

The calls are few and far between but when my screen says your name, i can’t say no. Because in that moment, though you will never admit, you missed me.

You thought of me long enough to call.

But not when i try. Just on your time.

And yet i still try, just to get no response.

So i throw myself in to something better, someone better - who does everything I want and more without even knowing it because that is just how they are.

But you’ve just become part of the problem. You’ve added to the list of reasons why i’m confident no one will stick around.

That when texts go unanswered it is not for the rational - it is because i’m annoying and too much to handle - even though i know that isn’t true.

But I still throw myself head first because you never know until you try

Things finally start to feel normal. You feel like yourself. You feel the thoughts and the memories fading into the background - and you’re okay.

You are comfortably letting go.

But then you call. And the vicious cycle begins again.

We rewind and restart but the tape in this film is wearing thin from the amount of times it has been spun.

And i’m tired. In every sense of the word. And I want to be done.

But i know one day your name will no longer frequent my screen - and the world will not end-- and I will learn to live life as if you did not exist.