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i'm sorry that i'm not happy.
but all the lives i have lived,
all the heartache & pain
have caused my unhappiness.
it's nothing to do with you.
all it is, is the past.
telling me that love means pain
& that if they don't hurt you constantly
it's not love.
my past tells me that love
is always perfect & happy,
that there are no issues in love,
love is perfect.
all these ideals & perfectionism
sabotaging my relationships
sabotaging my happiness.
telling me that this is wrong
because i was raised in contradiction.
contradiction is my home.
i've seen the war between my parents
i've heard the screaming of insults
i've witnessed the anger
i've been the blank screen
on which to cast the anger on.
i was taught from a very young age
that my failures were catastrophic
instead of a normal process of life.
i was taught that my temper
was a way to gain the attention
i so desperately craved.
i was taught that my pain
was insignificant & invalid
that i was a brat for feeing anything
except grateful.
i grew up thinking that nice
was boring & unsatisfying
& that danger & manipulation
would fill the empty void.
i grew up with negativity, pain
& contradiction
clouding my every thought,
clouding my every judgement,
shaping my every decision.
so i'm sorry i'm not happy.
saying "it's not you; it's me"
sounds like such a cliché.
but it couldn't be more appropriate.
forgive me.
clearly i still have some inner issues to deal with.
Gentle tender night
Blows soft endearing kisses
Making daylight blush
Depression is not when I attend a funeral,
And the dead have been prettied,
and the coffins have been chosen.
It is not the sorrow I feel..

Depression is not when I fail a test,
Nor is it when I dishonor my family,
Or when I make a fool out of myself that day.

Depression is when I laugh heartily with family,
And chatter fills the air, it's a grand time!
But hell.. Is it hard to breath.

Depression is when I am alone and at peace,
And the clock ticks and the ink drips,
And suddenly I am suffocating in my thoughts.
Like a deep sea of worry, stress and negativity.

Depression is when my body is stone,
And every move feels like I'm dragging tons.
And so, I shed black tears.

It is when my thoughts are in blots.
It is when I am inky.

~ M.M
They said the stars shine the brightest at night,
But what if the world looks like the sun,
And you're a tiny invisible star?

Surely night will fall,
But not on your side.
Yesterday I saw you,
A singular star.
The first to twinkle,
Interrupting the darkness.

Like a firefly stuck,
On an indigo tapestry.
You shone,
Oh, so proud.

As more lights poked through,
The inky night sky,
I felt drawn to you, little star,
shining up above.

I began to wonder,
If it was him,
Watching me,
As I stood.

Up above,
Oh, so high.,
Was it you,
Watching me?
An unstoppable agony, a contorting creature of pain
Lies within you; your life
Had very little sunshine
And quite a lot of rain.

Yet, like a phoenix rising from its ashes
You survived; within an inch of your demise
You found the fortitude to rise.

I am clueless and awestruck
At your inner gentleness, your external grace;
You are an inspiration to our entire race.

Where others would hate or fear
You attempt to love or understand.
You have conquered my heart
And occupied its land.

Like rainfall on a parched field
You rejuvenated my soul.
You reclaimed me from the darkness
Before it swallowed me whole.
This one is for you, my love.
You know I'm loving every moment of this,
The minute hand slows and screams,
As I see the birth of my dreams rising before my eyes.
They spill their candies across the floor,
We opened hearts and opened doors.
Let the light spill through the cracks--
But only we can feel the warmth this brings.
Ripping chords and verses from these pages,
We dance as if tomorrow isn't right around the corner;
And the world shines as it becomes our stage.
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