It's the voice in the back of your head
It's the feeling of yourself in the shower
It's the clothes that line your curves to well
It's the stare of all those around you

It's the screaming of the wind
It's the force if the tornado
It's the hail from the cold skies
It's the wave of the tsunami
It's everything crashing down on you at once

It is hell's demons here to plague you personally

Everywhere I look I see it
In the glint of your eye
From the corner of my eye, dancing around the corner
Through the looking glass and behind the mirror

Everywhere I go it lingers
Always on my mind
I may try to flee,
Or attempt to run.
Yet I can not escape it.
The vast hole inside of me.

I try to ignore it.
Really I do.
But when that hole is so oddly shaped that only one thing can fit,
All I can do is watch.

It is everywhere I look
It is in
A reflection in the pond,
The glare of the sun,
The pooling of my tears,

A void of nothingness
Longed to be filled.

Fighting to stay afloat
Fighting to get a grip
Fighting to stop and catch a breath
Fighting to be me
Fighting to stay alive
Fighting to love
And
Fighting for love

I am fighting for everything in my entire existence and it can't be helped
Because no one sees me
No one understands me
I'm just fighting to be me

Gray
Black
Depression strikes

Black
Blue
Nursing my wounds

Blue
Yellow
Pink
A flag of support

Pink
Purple
Colors of my past

Purple
Blue
A transition in progress

Blue
Black
The pain won't leave

Black
Gray
A blanket of sadness

Gray
A muddled state of being

Everything swirled together
Everything separate
Everything me

Don’t drag that blade across your skin
Don’t take those pills
Don’t take that jump
Take the rope from around your neck and get down from that chair
Turn off the car, open the garage and take a  breathe
Look around
You think you’re alone just because you don’t have someone there with you, right?
You’re wrong
You’re not alone
I don’t know the reason that you feel like taking your own life is the best way
You are making a mistake
I’m sure that the past hasn’t treated you well
I understand that
I’ve been through that
I know you feel like the world is against you but it’s not
Imagine this
Imagine you really do it
What would happen?
You think that no one cares
Imagine this, someone finds you
They call out your name
No answer
They go towards you and realize what you have done
They take your hand in theirs
It’s cold
No pulse at all
Taking out their phone they call the police
They try to explain what happened but they can’t
They are freaking out
The police arrive
The next day at school there is an announcement
They tell the school that there has been a tragedy
It’s announced that you committed suicide
No one says anything
They are all in shock
Finally the silence is broken when one student begins sobbing
They all think of the last thing they said to you
They wonder if their words pushed you to do it
Your teachers don’t know what to do
No one saw it coming
They didn’t see the signs
Time passes
One of your old teachers drive by your house
They slow down
Then stop down the road
They turn off the car and begin crying
They wonder what you would have been doing now if you didn’t end it
Someone who went to school with you goes by your grave
They sit down by it and begin to speak
They tell you all the things they wish they would have said when you were alive
They tell you that you’re beautiful and missed
That they always loved you
They were afraid to talk to you but they love you
They wish they could have helped
You are sitting alone right now
You think no one will care
You think that what you want to do wont matter
You’re wrong
You will be missed

A nauseous feeling in my stomach
A trip to the bathroom tells me more than I need to know
A blood stain in the toilet bowl
Get up
Get a ******
Lean over,
Throw up

Why?
Because this isn't who I am
Just a daily reminder of the word "female"
Female this
And
Female that
Female
Female
Female
♀

But what if there is more to it?

In a bind
What is that?
A terrible horrible feeling
Right now I look at my chest
There are two B cup horrors right there

In a bind
What is that?
A wave of panic throughout my entire body
A pink shirt
Girl shorts

In a bind
What is that?
Dysphoria so overwhelming that you just want to pass out

In a bind
What is that?
What is that?????
It is not being who I am

But wait didn't you chop off all your hair?

Yes I did
But there is still so much more
I need to do

In a bind
What is that?
Just that
I need that