they forgot... i said: i feel sedated... i don’t feel drunk, i feel sedated... but there’s you with a horse’s head telling me otherwise... high on ketamine.*

as expected,
the local highstreet is changing,
a new shop opened, a café,
serving all day breakfast,
and it donned the union jack proudly on a pole,
made me think about marching to war for a bit,
but then i walked past the local estate agent,
and, guess what,
it actually allowed the travelling circus’ posters to hang
on its windows next to unaffordable housing...
(usually these posters are reserved for dilapidated buildings,
you know how people, when it comes to gypsies with make-up
acrobats and elephants)
well... unaffordable... unless you’re a sheikh or
a rich scamming nigerian;
now that’s lucky for a giggle... a union jack above
the café door and circus posters in the estate agents... ha;
it’s like i’m watching the third partition of poland,
although here it’s not the habsburgs prussians and the romanovs
but the jazz singer blackface clowns, the regular clowns... and the mimes.

your words cut so deep,
tearing at me,
wounding to the core,
testing who i am
and the man i want to be,
testing the boundaries
of what is right and what is easy,
not sure of what I will do.

i know i'll be fine.
i've been here before,
and i'm stronger than i was,
worth more to me than i was ever told,
and i know this can't defeat me.

i'll heal from your words,
i'll heal from your cuts,
i'll heal from the gunshot,
i'll heal.

somehow, i will.

I miss you, the old you
The you who cared
The you who I loved

I was buried in this dirt,
Leaving you behind.
Sad, torn, and begging
For me to come back
Into your arms.
I see you visiting my grave,
Your sisters too.
Everything is hitting you
Like a ******* hurricane.
My son, I have lived my life, and
I'm speaking to you beyond
The grave.
You will see my old face again
When you pass through this
Black hole that is nothing.
But my love, I'm
Not hurting anymore. There's so
Much I want you to see before you
Come watch next to me.
Watch everyone you love,
And that have loved you.
Watch your grandbabies and
Great grandbabies grow
As I am now.
I love you my sweet son,
My strong, strong son.
I'm sorry I let you down but
I hurt for much too long.
There's a place for you next
To me that will always be open.
Come sit and watch, then,
Only then, will you see.

A father rocks his newborn to sleep. He can hear the child sleeping soundly against his heart beat. He falls asleep thinking of his unborn  son crying out:

"Daddy!", he cries.
"Stay, Daddy please!" he whimpers.
"Stay for mommy, don't go with your 'family'!" he cries, felling his saddened mother's heartbeat.
"Mommy needs help, we need help," he screams as silently as he can "we need a provider!".

  As he lay asleep in his mother's womb, he can feel the sadness in her heart, see his father walking towards the door and hear them arguing day by day.

"Mommy's sad, she can't do it alone!" he begs.
"Don't take your keys, Don't take your bags"
Please don't leave, We need you to stay! he pleads.
Please stop fighting, It's not good for me!" he cries.

The father reawakens with tears in his eyes knowing that he almost left and never looked back.