I forgot to tell you how I feel
My words have vanished
hidden behind my eyes or hidden by my lies
its all the same
I forgot how to feel
lighting, so fast and fierce
shocks, captures me
I don't cry I don't try
its all the same
I forgot how to talk
Walls come closer and closer
anger pulses through my veins
its all the same
Find me, cure me, but I'll never be the girl you used to know

none of it was art
it was complicated
it deserved to be like the crinkled sheets of paper on the ground
it was a waste

they found it
torn and shredded to tiny pieces
they would take hours to make it uncomplicated
and when they did
it would be a work of art
they knew

why can't I be happy
why can't I laugh
why can't I try
why can't I cry
I'll tell you the reasons
I'll tell you every hit I took
I'll tell you every step I took
but I won't tell you
why
if you care
find the answers behind my vacant eyes

Where are you Madeleine?
Fiery red eyes
Giant torso wrapped in gauze
Horns jade green
We sit upon the shoulders
Why are you gone Madeleine?
Eyes leak no tears
Torso grumbles, blocked by the heavy material
Horns camouflage all we have
We count the minutes that pass by
Will I ever see you again my sister Madeleine?

You're waiting for their verdict
in mere minutes
you will either smile or cry

In the beginning you had it right
You put so much trust in the people
around you
then  at some point you forgot to trust yourself

You took and you searched
each find for yourself-
was a jab to the weak who depended on you

Now the verdict is called
and silence meets our ears

you know
and I know
life won't be the same

but maybe in some future time
you'll remember to give before you take
and you'll remember to feel for yourself
before you feel for everyone

then you won't depend on a verdict
and a room full of silence

I learned how to frown- in silence
I learned what seeing your mother cry meant- in silence
I learned how to grow up- in silence
I learned to expect nothing but a mother- in silence
I learned speech therapy, I learned art therapy, I learned bribery- all in silence

Now sirens, cheering, yelling
Now bright yellows, tangy oranges, deep reds
All demanding

I’m a fish washed ashore
Hot sand- burning my fins
Bright sun blinding

I never thought they’d expect me to smile
I never thought happiness could affect me
I never thought laughter was real
I never expected to care about a male

And I never assumed, his love for me
Could give me a calm, peaceful silence
So different from everything I believed

i found him right on time
the moon was high
its glow light on my cheeks
the summer breeze sent whispers
telling me
everything was going to be okay

he came in the form of dark clothes
and smirk so sly
he asked me
no shame on his face
and i told him
i was just a waste

he said he didn't believe me

and now 12 months later
under the same moon
with the breeze silent
i remember
what it feels like to trust
he showed me
i was a treasure in a world full of waste

will you allow those salty waterfalls to havoc your face?
will you allow bullets to strike within?

I know a boy
who never allowed a thing
to navigate his soul

on a summer evening
with not a voice to burrow in his thoughts

the tears
the heart
became to much
like a broken road
he was bound to hit a bump

lost control
oblivious to everything around
I wished he could have been found
long ago

There's nothing but silence on your end
I thought that's what I wanted
silence
silence
silence
but, now I'm wishing it wasn't coming from
you

White resembles you
Because when I close my eyes, you are not there
White resembles you
Because when I gather the roses, you are not in my hands
White resembles you
Because when I enter the hospital, you are all I can see, all I can hear, all I can feel, all I can remember

In the dark of night wind shrilled
he had to let go of the terror of which he was filled
soon came sun, ready to steal the spotlight
she danced and beamed, she was a delight
and wind accepted this defeat, he let his fear be stilled

it's so easy to look back
see all the happiness
it radiates off everything
and its all apart of who she is

here surrounded by the white walls
the blaring beeps of the monitors
each saying the same thing
she's not the same

I want her in the wake of the worst
to feel the tips of my fingers,
and the tears that escape down my cheek
to understand
my pain won't go away
only once she meets my eyes and takes my hand,
and when I can ease the terror
I know, that's running through her brain

then,
I'll be able to close my eyes,
and wipe my face
know at last- *she's safe

Not even rope
could tie us together
the touch of our skin
won't stick
wont stay together
everything I am
everything I can be
doesn't
connect
with
who you are

please vision
everything you can be
without
me

I wanted to write
write the world for you
my words could be shields
or maybe just blankets
enveloping you into warmth

they can taunt you
beg you to live to your potential
because they know
and I know
you deserve the world and all the cordial
words that enter your mind

So
when you close your eyes
and you see those words
feel them with every intake of air
your lungs can muster,

I hope
all you can think about

is me

lovely words, once
gentle kisses upon my cheek,

now don't feel the same,
since hearing them from him

those words you speak to me,
scratch,
they dare to break my skin

your words,
I wish,
loved me like their intent

I worry that every little thing I do,
disappoints you,

& I worry that the things I say,
embarrasses you.

I worry that the feelings I push away,
frustrates you.


& I realize.. i always worry,
and it always leads back to you.

But I don't ever worry for you
because I know you're not coming back,
I know you're okay.

Don’t cover your face sweetheart
I want to see your pretty eyes
don’t look away
I want to paint a picture of you in my mind
don’t tense up
I want to scale the ups and downs of your skin till I find the gold you’ve been hiding
don’t deny a thing, baby doll*
I want you to understand, you’re worth more than you think

I want you to write me,
some want to be painted
pretty colors, slow strokes of brush to paper

but I don't want that

I want bold words to describe me
imagery so vivid
you can see me, even when I'm not there

I want sentences so strong,
no one would dare confuse me
for something I'm not

I want you to write me
because then maybe
you'll finally understand me

I write in circles
happiness in the start
by the middle my words are a bore
why do you even read my poems
why do you care?
now were at the end
and tears are in your eyes
You quiver
you sniffle,
are my words
are my thoughts
the devil?
seconds pass
smiles
you say that was beautiful
what did I miss?
How could you be happy about this?

I thought writing everything on paper
maybe then, it could all make sense
But, the longer the sentences became- the more jumbled
my thoughts were.
I tried to trace one thought to the next, but all I got were scribbles.
How could I figure out what I wanted,
when I couldn't understand what I was thinking?

It seemed like it should be simple,
like learning to tie your shoes.
First, it seems an impossible task
But, before you know it, your hands tie the shoes
And you don't spare one thought about it.

It wasn't what it seemed though,
my thoughts were inchoherent
and every solution I had was a dead end.

I found myself alone
with no one to turn to-
I was deserted on a street that no one knew of.

So what do you do when you're all alone,
and a map of survival does not exist?
Do you keep thinking until a solution arises?
Or, do you pick up your feet, stand tall, and head in a direction you feel could be the way?

Your silence does not taunt me anymore

I've learned to listen
not to your words
nor your actions

I listen to chirping birds
and buzzing bumble bees

you're haughty smile does not suffocate me anymore

I've learned to feel
not  your icy touch
nor your forceful grip

I feel the wind in my hair
and the sun dancing on my skin


I don't need your silence
I don't need your arrogant touch
I've learned to live
my soul and nature all in one

back in high school
i wanted you
soul and all
i wouldn't sacrifice for nothing less


now you're gone
and my finger tips ache for your cold touch
the searing, raving, heat would disappear
all because of you

and I'm wondering
how much sadness would delve into my heart
if I never won a chance

i would just walk the hallways with a heavy heart
and fire in my eyes
just a lack of the greatest gift you gave
a
new
me

I still don't understand
I'm not what you wanted
I told you from the start
You shook your head
Your such a sweetheart
There eyes trail you like an invisible force
They want you
But
oh for some reason
all your love is for me

You might make me feel safe
You might make feel content

but I deserve better,
so much better

I gave you my attention,
I thought of you past midnight in the dark of my room,

and now you've gone back on your word
and all I can think is how ignorant I really am

but

stop it
because I'm not ignorant
I can't let you be the reason I see myself so negatively

you're the one who gave up

I might be left in the dust

but just you wait, I'm going to find the best

you're the reason
i question myself
before you
everything i saw
blazed before my eyes
now overcast
i wonder
what did i do to deserve this change
everything i heard
strong voices all around
now muffled, isolated to my brain
i wonder
what can i do to make these voices end
sand reaches the bottom of the time capsule
i hate myself
and I know
you're the reason i feel this way