I remember how you showed up at my door
and you knew I was weak in your presence.
You took my face in your hands,
and made me feel again.

You took me upstairs,
you showed me all the passion
we thought we had
forgotten.

Your flame burnt out and
I asked you to tell me that
you loved me, one more time.

I saw your shoulders slump
and that was the moment
I knew it was over.

I could write a thousand words to take your breath away.

I could write about your drive,
The ways you make me smile,
How you keep me alive.

I could write about your skill,
How your pen hits the paper with a spark,
And that it always will.

I could write about the colour of your eyes,
The way your tears hit the floor and shatter me,
And the part of me that dies.

I could write about forgiveness,
How you always have some in your pocket
And how I wish I'd need it less.

I could write about the scars on your skin,
The battles you've fought,
The way you never gave in.

I could write about your laugh when you're drunk,
The way it echoed in my ears
And the way my heart sunk.

I could write a thousand words to take your breath away,
Or I could simply tell you you're a mess,
And I like you that way.

If love builds bridges, why are we stranded?
I'm bruised and I'm broken,
Lost and abandoned.

I've gone down every winding path, traveled every twisted road.
There's no map, there's no escaping.
I've ventured through the thick and there's nowhere left to go.
There's promise beyond the rivers,
But with a heavy heart I'll sink.

If love builds bridges, mine already burnt.
I'm bruised and I'm broken,
And you're not even hurt.

Do you remember yesterday?
The day you loved me.

We wrote letters to tomorrow
and savoured every moment.
We floated in each others laughter
and you stole my misery from my lips.

Do you remember today?
The day you loved me.

We burnt the letters and wrote new ones for new people, and cringed waiting for the day to end.
The laughter was muffled by the sound of that ambulance they took you away in, and my misery planted itself in your lungs.

Do you think about tomorrow?
The day you love me.
Or, maybe the day you don't.
We'll stop writing letters, and we'll wash down yesterday with what the doctor ordered.
We'll listen to laughter that isn't ours and wonder why nothing is funny like it used to be.
My misery grew back like a **** in me, and you still haven't uprooted the **** thing out of your chest.

If only we could turn back the clock, and wind it differently.
Yesterday could have lasted.
Today might have been saved.
Tomorrow might not look so hopeless.

I don't know if your clock ever got fixed
But every day feels like tomorrow to me.

Deafening,
the sound of your tears are piercing me.

I spend every last second of my life
digging through your head
to unbury what you try to keep hidden.
I know that you're hurting -
let me fix you.

when you hear your alarm go off the first time,
and then the second time,
and the third you finally open your eyes to
find yourself surrounded by the same four walls as yesterday -
it's okay if you press snooze again.
it's okay to go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're putting on your mascara,
and then your eyeliner,
and all the other crap that makes you feel pretty -
it's okay if you cry it all off.
it's okay to go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're putting on your favourite jeans,
and your comfy sweater,
and they just don't fit the same as they used to
because you're not the same as you once were -
it's okay to try something different.
it's also okay to just go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're walking down the hallway to your first class,
and then your second one and it's all just as dreadful,
and you can't concentrate on anything other than
just picking up one foot after the other, just getting there -
it's okay to just be present physically for today, if that's all you can manage.
but maybe, it would be okay if you just went back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you get home and your mom calls you for dinner,
once, twice, and three times,
but you're just not hungry and you're not sure you can
keep up the stone face you've been wearing all day -
it's okay to ask her to save some for you to have later.
just go back to bed, just give yourself some room to breathe.

but  you don't.

every day, you fight the same battle.
and if it feels like you're not making any progress,
just remember that you didn't go back to bed -
and you could have -

**but you didn't.

I wanted to write about how much I loved
the way your fingers move quietly down your guitar
as it gently weeps, but I could only remember the way
those same hands left bruises on my body
and left me sobbing at 2am.

I tried to write with ink how  much I missed you,
but I scribe only with spilled blood.
This is what it was, and always will be.

Strum you do, on your guitar so lovingly
and my heart strings too - more reckless with each beat.
Raise the tempo, my heart rate too.

I want to forgive,
and forget the way this music used to move us,
but my love,
I ******* hate you.

Last night the stars fell out of the sky,
and you sighed deeply in your sleep.
I thought maybe you could feel it too,
the universe falling around us.

I fell in love with you last night,
and you're sleepy mind had not a clue.

I laid awake all night, listening
to the humming of your breath
against my rigid skin.

I fell in love with you last night,
and you rolled out of bed
and out the door
before my heart could let you in.

Leave me where you dropped me, like litter in the boulevard.
You're just another passer-by,
who sees my home in the dirt.
Pretend it wasn't you who made the mess, if it helps you sleep tonight.
I suppose I'm disposable,
now that I've been used.

"Go with the flow,
Love will show the way."
Just a few of the many
things you might say.

But how would I know?
You're nowhere to be seen.
If love will show the way,
then where the hell have you been?

I loved you with everything I had,
and you loved me with limits.
I loved you with your messy hair,
and how you made me forget.
You could never say the words
that you really meant.

I loved you with everything I had,
and you loved me with limits.
I told you all my secrets,
all the things I never said.
That same night you said you loved me,
but you wouldn't come to bed.

It's been a while, and you're the same
except your hair is different.
I knew right then I loved you still,
it shook me to the bone.

"I liked your messy hair better."

All too well rehearsed, you said
"It was just too difficult to take care of."

And I knew why I was sleeping alone.

When I said goodbye, I expected you to come running back
The way you always had in the past.

I never could have foreseen that you would hardly blink,
That you would leave and never say a word to me again.

I wait at the phone, still,
Hoping one day you might wake up with a feeling of nostalgia for the moments we shared.
That you might show up in the middle of the night and scream that you miss us from the rooftops.

But this life isn't cinematic,
And nothing goes as planned.

You turned on your heels that night under the dim light of a quiet street, and you never looked back.

And its too late now, its too late for me to chase after you. The lights have gone out, and you're living your life without me.

I wish that I could hate you for it,
But how could I hate you for finally being happy?

I can't quite relate to
breakup songs
because you tried to leave
in more ways
than one.

I can't quite relate to
the best of poems
because you burned the pages
in more ways
than one.

I can't quite relate to
a widow
because you didn't succeed
in more ways
than one.

I can't quite relate to
myself, anymore.
because
you were
the one.

In a world of infinite palettes,
you gave me a single colour
and told me to paint.

I was so scared you wouldn't
frame my work
I never picked up the brush.

I am your panic room,
constant and
never changing.
You built me up
for when you're breaking.

I am your panic room,
your last resort,
but always here
when you decide you need me.

I fell in love with someone who gave me everything.
He held me closer than I'd ever known, and right there - breathing in his musk, I was not afraid. I was indestructible.
But he didn't love me, and it broke my heart.
People are not safe havens.

I fell in love with someone who took everything.
He left me empty-handed, but with a few scars to show for it. The apologies came in fistfuls, and my forgiveness never did.
He loved me, and it broke my heart.
But people are not prisons, either.

I've had to try and fail at love in a million ways, but you learn to fall apart gracefully.
People are just people,
and you are in control of your life.

“Let’s watch the sun rise,” you said.
While I bore my eyes into the light, you were watching through the reflection in my eyes.

“Let’s go out for dinner,” you said.
While I shuffled around each calorie to avoid question, you shuffled in your seat – nervous to know if you would get to take me out again.

“Let’s go to the movies,” you said.
While I raved about the film, you thought about the way my hand felt in yours.

“Goodnight,” you said.
While I questioned what was really in your heart, you thought about what it would be like to wake up next to me.

“Goodbye,” I said.
And I felt nothing.
While you felt *everything I didn’t.

I can see it plain as day
The lust in your eyes.
I can see the way you long for me
Hands gliding up my thighs.
I know you crave my touch
even when you back away.
When you strike, you don't hold back.
And you think that I'm surprised -
But I saw it coming, plain as day.

What I can't see is why you're hiding
that what you feel is so much more.
You never did let go of me,
Nor did I of you.
I love you still, like I did before,
and you see it plain as day.
I'll spend forever waiting
for you to just confess
all the things you'll never say.

Prescribe me something to take away the pain,
but God, please don't prescribe me any medication.
Give me love, give me substance.
Give me a cigarette, an excuse.
But please, don't prescribe me *crazy pills.

How many days does it take to forget me?
Fewer or more than the days since you met me?

How many days will it take you to shake me?
Fewer or more than the days til you break me?

How many tears can I cry about you?
Fewer or more than the promises I made to you?

How many fears can I face without you?
Fewer or more since the day I lost you?

Answers, I need answers.
But I don't need you.

My whole life I've been lost, and
my whole life they've said, "go home".
I've read enough books and
I've seen more than enough films to know
home isn't always the same place
we retire ourselves to night after night.
So I lay awake -
Is this all there is?

In my dreams, the most beautiful places
in the entire world come alive:
The Pyramids of Egypt,
Grand Canyon,
Even Venice, Italy.
I can taste the adventure,
but I wake into a world with four walls
and no stories to tell.
Is this all there is?

"So travel," they tell me.
"See it all, the big cities and bright lights,
dip your feet in untested waters, go on."
And I've mustered enough courage to
get myself out of bed, to the car
and to brush past all my old friends.
I've got luggage, and a train ticket.
And I've got baggage, and a question:
Is this all there is?

"Board, or go home", the man behind me whines.
"Maybe I'll do both," I mutter,
but I find myself slunk against a wall
waiting for a departed train.
All my life, I've been lost.

Four walls and five words -
and they haunt me every day.
I could travel, I could go home,
but I'd still be lost anyway.
Every inch of the world could be mine,
to touch and to wander.
But what if I had boarded only to find
home was always in these four walls
echoing the same 5 hollow words -
*Is this all there is?

When moonlight fights its way through the darkness to finally meet your lips
Will you kiss it back,
Or succumb to solitude in slumber?

You're there when you can feel the anchors on your feet,
And your lips have turned a sickly blue.
When you reach your final breaking point,
And there's nothing left for you.

You're there when you can't see a future,
And your tears won't even come.
You've lost all your will to care,
And you've forgotten where you came from.

You're there when you're rocking back and forth,
And there's no one coming to your rescue.
When you scream so loud no one can hear,
And you can't ever find a refuge.

You're there when you can relate to this,
And you're not sure how that could be.
When you think maybe you're not so bad,
Cause "rock bottom could never happen to me".

By the time you see this, it will be too late.

I asked for help, I screamed for years and I received nothing but empty promises.
I recall praying for something with substance to come into my life, but the only substances I remember having came in dime bags and shot glasses.
I remember carving names into my skin and breaking my own heart, and I know that you were there to see it all go downhill.

By the time you see this, I might still be breathing through pressed lungs.
The air feels like sandpaper, and I can't bare another scratch.
So if my chest still heaves as you read this, know that it's too late to save me from the pain.
The pain is in me, and the pain I have become.
Let me be.

I wanted to show you my mess
In hopes that you might clean it up.
I wanted to show you my dreams
In hopes that you might believe in them.
I wanted to show you my life
In hopes that you might not leave it.

I wanted to show you, but instead you showed me that

I wanted to show you my mess
In hopes that it might inspire you
I wanted to show you my dreams
In hopes that you might share some
I wanted to show you my life
In hopes that we could have one together.

If 3am could talk it would probably tell me all your secrets.
it would tell me the position you sleep in to feel safe
and the ice cold comment your best friend made.

if 4am could talk it would probably only whisper rumours.
It would assume you can't sleep because he hurt you last year
And it would conclude the fluttering of your eyelids had something to do with what you failed to tell 3am.

If 5am could talk it would be nervous and unsteady.
It would look to your still body and wonder if you were at peace, and if it should wake you.
It might ask 6am to follow up.

If 6am could talk, it would try to be cheery. For the sake of 5am.
It might say you slept just fine, and tomorrow will be the same.
6am might lie and have you shaken and stirred for 7am to handle.

If 7am could talk, it would not know what to say.
It would tell me you were happy being unhappy
7am would giggle mindlessly and hope I went away.

By 8am, no one will be talking but you. And you will tell me a mix of what I already heard through the whispers of the night before.

By 9am the silence of the noise will begin all over again, and you'll wonder why nothing has changed. Why 3am can't be trusted, and 8am hasn't saved you from the incessant humming.

I want to listen to you at 3am, not the silence that tells me what wasn't mine to hear.

I want the truth at 4am, and to hold you when 5am can't.

I want to push away the last of the darkness at 6am, and I want to give 7am something to talk about.

I want to be your saving grace at 8am. I want to be the change you feel at 9am, when you hear the music of the world instead of the noise.

clever boy, honest heart
a voice of well kept notes, and an unsound mind
in grieving, in loss you sang
never silenced, always tested
songbird, keep on singing.
string each note together as you always have
in beauty and even darkness, you sang
so full of love and life
songbird, keep on singing.
clever boy, broken heart
composing music, but never yourself
songbird, keep on singing
and hiding behind your art.

It's a strange feeling I can't quite speak aloud.
I can remember your filthy hands and how they moved from the small of my back to the bones of my hips,
I can trace those movements over and over but I can't ever recreate the sparks you ignited in me.
No, your hands were burning and mine are reaching.
I can remember exactly how smooth your voice sounds in my ear at 2am and how your chest moves with every breath you take in your sleep.
I can listen with all intention of hearing you still, for hours, but only silence answers.
No, I'm alone in this bed and you're probably breathing easily.

It's a strange feeling,
Yes, I've been missing you.

When I was born,
My mother held me.
She loved me truly
And without restraint.
I was new
And not afraid.

When I was five,
My father held me.
He loved me on weekends,
But never stayed.
I was innocent,
Yet I felt shame.

When I was nine,
My sister held me.
She loved me when my stepdad yelled,
She hid me away.
I believed in fairy tales
Up until that day.

When I was fifteen,
My boyfriend held me.
He loved me when I hurt myself,
Until he did the same.
I was at fault,
I took all the blame.

Today I'm sixteen,
I won't let you touch me.
Don't love me, I'm not worth it,
Or so my demons say.
Maybe when I'm twenty,
I'll escape my chains.

If you're not sure something is right for you anymore, end it.
Leave.
Whether it's a relationship, home, your job or the person you've become —
Just leave.
Nothing leads you down the right path better than missing something,
Or not missing it at all.

I hope you heard my voice, in your sleep
and it haunts your waking hands that reach for me
in your empty bed.

I hope your arms forget everything but the air around them,
and you cling to memories instead of holding me.
*My bed is empty, too.

"Why do we always end up here?"
I thought, as we sat down
At the same old bench
For the millionth time.

I thought about how we came here
In a mid-may storm,
My makeup washed away,
And I heard you really laugh for the first time,
So I smiled for the rest of the day.

I thought about the first time I heard the words
"I love you" slip off your lips,
And how you swore we would make it work.
My hair got messier than the words you couldn't say,
And I saw you shut me out for the first time,
But I kissed you anyway.

"Why do we always end up here?"
You ask, as we settle in
At the same old bench
For the millionth time.

I smiled to myself,
And I realized
"It's just a really good place to sit."

Alive people are a lot worse
Than dead people.

The dead are finally at rest
While we spend our time
Trying to be.

I begged you to stay,
But you left without a word.
I wish you would have listened because
I had so much to say.

I begged you to try,
But you gave up without a fight.
Every day without you here
is another lonely night.

You begged me to move on,
With lust filling your brown eyes.
You hoped that I was stronger,
that you wouldn't have to lie.

You begged me not to cry,
But I gave too much to lose it all.
You wished away our promises because
Now you'd take the fall.

But beggars can't be choosers,
And just because we thought we won,
Never meant we'd not end losers.

Our first kiss was here, and you were so quiet the waves washed away your nervous humming.
I wish I would have caught your stutter.
We made history here, and I'm so sorry I only paid attention to the beauty of the sea.

Our last kiss was here, and you weren't quiet anymore because you were angry.
This time your eyes were the waves, washing me from your memories.
and oh, how I paid attention.

I'm not saying I'm in love with you, but I could be.
You're the person I want to tell about my day, and you're all the words I want to hear drag on in the dark of the night. You're the thoughts attached to my morning coffee and to my evening reflection.

I'm not saying I'm in love with you,
but I want to travel the world by your side, once, twice, even a third time. The first to see the world, the second to see you, and the third to realize you're one in the same.
I want to write in languages unspoken about the way your lips curve around mine, and I want you to drown me in your every movement. You're a tidal wave, and I'm all washed up.

I'm not in love with you,
but I'm so dangerously close.

They will try to take everything.

The people you love, and the flowers you've grown,
every award you have earned and every dollar you've yet to spend.
Your safety and your home, your lover and your rights to freedom.
They will bleed you dry of everything you own.
Your sanctuaries to ruin, music to rhythms with no sound.
This is real life, and they've no reason to stop taking
what was meant to be ours, for now and since ever.
I haven't got much left but my head, and my heart
and to no surprise, they've both been aching.

They will try to take everything, but my God,
you cannot let them.

Go if you must, now if you can.
Take all that you've got left,
run til you can't stand.
This is your battle, your fight
and fight it you must,
every day of your life.

This is the night,
one we shan't ever forget,
for this is the eve we remembered
how to be who we are
without apology.

Now go! Don't ever stop,
remember this poem
forget what they taught.
If they take us, do not forfeit.
Go, if you must,
but go violently,
Go, and we must,
and never go silently.

You're the heaviest rain to ever soak my skin,
And I'm drenched to the bone
But you're not giving in.

You're the crispest air to ever slash my wrists.
And it burns but I love you still,
Only now, with clenched fists.

You're the poorest soil to ever grow my heart,
I'm left to rot but I love you still,
Like I have from the start.

You're the most toxic man I've ever met,
And so you took too many pills
To even out your head.
You left the ones who loved you
With all this **** regret.
And the worst part is that to this day,
I haven't stopped loving you yet.

I searched for you
Every night;

I searched the stars,
The canyons,
And the ocean
Far and wide.

No matter where I looked
You just weren't in my sights.

You searched for me
Every day;

You searched the clouds,
The mountains,
And the rivers,
Far and wide.

I asked the moon
"Where could she be?"

You asked the sun
"When will she find me?"

In a rare eclipse
We crossed paths
But we couldn't see clearly

In a common passing
We crossed our fingers
That she might love me dearly.

"Does she love me? How will I know?"
I asked the moon
Who solemnly replied
"You don't."

We searched for this love.
But we remember -
all that is found
is bound to be lost.

Oh, I want to tell you. Believe me, I do.
I want to tell you how much it all hurts,
and how I hear your heartbeat in the chorus of every song.
If I could only reach the depths of your mind you never let me touch
we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
I want to scream at you, trust me, I do.
I ache to let my rage reign at full capacity,
and give you hell that burns eternally.

I'm afraid if I let these words marinade in my hatred,
I'll become far too bitter a person.
And what if your taste never leaves my lips?
I want to ask you.

Here we are, though.
I'm not speaking, screaming, and certainly not asking.
I'll drown my sorrows in something shameful,
and pray you care to save me.

where do you go?
when all the doors have been slammed in your face,
when you  hold on just a second too long,
and you're dragged in by the undertow
in such a deadly embrace,
where do you go?

when your eyes have drained of passion -
the kind that drove you to the fight you never forfeit,
when you lose all you love, and everything you know
where does your broken heart take you then?
where do you go?

when your panic room is exactly how it sounds,
no longer built for safety but for keeping
all your darkness contained within,
letting madness ensue underneath your skin
where the shadows have no bounds.
where do you go?

when you're lost, but you know the feeling
and you know exactly where you are, cause
when in this deadly embrace,
is where we find ourselves -
hiding.