have u ever ****** yourself so good, listening to 'Cigarettes and Coffee', Otis has you left in tears from his tender voice mixed with the pulsations making you all sorts of weak.

Your sheets are wet, your pillow is soaked, and your body is released.

Cry because you love yourself. Cry because you can. Cry because you touch yourself. Cry because you are your first and greatest love.

you can tell how im doing by the look of my bathroom
remembering the idea of clean white tiles spotless as can be
now they show stains left from helpless cries
marks from stomach shouting and letting out hurls

the everyday wear and paste on the sink
the leftovers of my mornings
where some days I even forget the idea of my teeth

water splashes from the days i do remember on the helpless mirror
from spitting junk from my mouth
to splashes of water for the days I take care of my face

toilet paper running out with no spare or extra supplies
just leftover cardboard from the ones used before
no more baby wipes to help soothe my body

my trashcan is full overflowing to the floor

it is just a mess.

worse of all is the smell. I know the shower is bad enough on its own but adding all the rest... simply kills my soul.

you can always tell how I am doing by the look of my bathroom.

i met this guy
strangely through the oddest of apps
we spoke
we talked
and maybe even cried
6 hours long
the quickest of my life
he heard me
he listened
felt so understood
no judgment just love
on this forsaken app

i met this guy
he swept me up
with his 6 foot 4 body
reaching out his arms grabbing for me
through the screen i felt his touch
his large body
compared to me
so overwhelming
but comfort in it all
take my hand
help me up  

i met this guy
who surprised me
someone i didnt think I would meet
some would say heaven sent
and i nearly left that app
6 hours away...
please come find me

harder for me to let you go
since I never had the chance to have you
accepting it is what it is
I cant have hope...
it always disappoints...

but this guy I just met
please come find me...
the little bit of hope
i still have left
should I open the door?
or just take the next trip?

hope for me always...
but you did remind me...
hope for you now?
so untimely.

sleepless nights
coffee driven
no motivation
just movies
and shows
dark circles
fills my eyes
tears loaded
realizing
the
wasted space
no work done
just sleepless nights
with no motivation
just netflix at night
and dark circles
becoming my eyes

Counting... Always... Counting.

A cup of herbal tea, maybe with some sugar.
If I feel up to it.

Maybe some soup, grilled cheese.
If I can stomach it.

Dinner. Whatever mom makes.
My only supervised meal.

Tired, all day... Every day.
Drowning in college papers.

The curves I worked so hard to get back...
Well. They're nearly gone.

Protruding hip bones,
Protruding collar bones,
Boney fingers,
Pale skin,
Fantastic figure and pretty ribs,
Cold toes and bad circulation.

Heart murmurs... Shaky breathing... Migraines... Exhaustion... Confusion... Lethargy... Weight loss

Shaking, Shaking, Shaking...
Shivering?

Gotta go make a cuppa, warm up a bit.

But... what's left for me to be healthy for, anyway?

I'll take a bath to warm up instead






Probably.