There
You stand at my door
Banging on the screen
Same rhythm as your fists
On the front
Two months back

I kept telling you to leave
But you put your phone to the eye
And it said
"This is just a misunderstanding"
I know
I know
It's all just a misunderstanding
It always was
Always will be
I want to pour gasoline and watch it
Drip down the screen

The sound the door makes
When it hesitates to close
Mimicking the rattle of a snake
Or the rainstorm of maracas
My stomach dropping
You tearing through that screen
Reaching for the door ****

I run to the back
But there you are
Behind the glass
In front of me
Reaching for my neck
I clasp my eyes shut

Please dear

Be quick

The lights went out
When I was sipping my water
When we sat outside
In the backyard of the restaurant
You were listening to me speak
About my brother and my parents
And how I was worried that he felt
As alone as I did
When I was a kid
And you stared at me in concern
And nodded along

I loved the taste of the peppers
And I noticed them growing above you
Right by the stairs
That were covered in vine
With rickety wood
That probably gave the owner splinters
The same woman who told me that she
Got out of jury duty
Because she was biased
Because she was held at gun point
Not once
But twice
And that she wished she could return the favor


And when the lights went out
There was a stillness
And a second of quiet
And I looked up
To see infant stars sprinkled between the clouds
That were stranded above the city
Still tinged with remains of lavender
From the early sunset

And maybe
It would have been easier
If we believed in anything
If god itself could reach out
And pop each bulb
Like little balloons
And caress our cheeks
When we felt scared
Or isolated

And maybe it would have spared us
Some resentment
Or given us a break
For trying to survive
For trying to breathe in a world
Filled with a compassionate cruelty
And a smug sense of undeserved irony
That left an entire generation jaded
Or miserable
Or exhausted


Especially when looking for work
Like I did those years ago
While my father chided me
Cited merit
And integrity
And 'maybe I wasn't trying hard enough'
Yet still had the audacity
To retire young
And complain about it


And maybe
It would have been easier
If instead of apples
We were leaves
That turned into shades of fire
At the end of August
And were carried away
And then reborn
Instead of falling hard
And rotting on the ground


And maybe it would have been easier
Or maybe it wouldn't have
When my mother called me
In the cold air of the early spring
And I could hear her voice cracking
And I had to walk outside
Into the bitter cold
To keep myself from breaking


And maybe it would have been easier
If your parents hadn't loved you
And if my mother never came back
And we would've never met
And you would've never made me laugh
And I would've never had anyone
To call a friend or a sister
The way I call to you


And maybe it would have been easier

But it wasn't
When your mother called you
And told you of the news
And your eyes swelled
And my mouth dried up
And I knew it would never be easy
Since I was very young
But I would be there for you
As you continue to learn the same


And when the lights went out
We felt it
On our own
In our own ways
But we felt it together

Last night I read about a woman who purged herself to death.
We shared the same birthday,
the same habits.
Sometimes I wake up in disgust with these bones.
Other times, in narcissistic bliss with these bones.
Then there are those perpetual evenings,
when I whisper threats disguised as mantras to these bones
I want my obituary to say
that I loved this delicate framework of calcium & collagen.
When I'm 91 and the only thing I've expulsed myself of
is the need to perfect these bones.

On the Fear of Getting Attached to Others, in a world in which we all fear loving too much.

I am Blessed
With an open heart
A freely loving soul
And a beautiful optimism.

I am Blessed.
With a soft light,
A burning flicker,
Quite lantern-like.

When it is dark,
My soul is here.
And it lights my way,
So I feel endeared.

I am Whole.
Because I understand,
I am softened,
Holding out my hand.

You may hold me,
You may leave.
You might not return,
But I won't need.

Because I am here to love.
And I've been blessed.
I have an open heart,
And it beats hard within my chest.

Many say they are cursed,
To love so easily.
But here I am, with a gentle soul,
With more love than I know how to feel.

But love is not need.
Need constricts. Love frees.
If you feel need,
Look inside, to your soul, for me.

Love's freedom my dear, and that's how you'll know,
Your feelings are healthy and good.
When what you want for others is for them to feel free,
You are set, you're loving as you should.

And there is no curse, to this "loving a lot,"
You are blessed with an open heart.
Need is the energy you need to fight,
With a simple joy lighting the spark.

Love is not something for you to hold.
Love is something for you to give.
For it is in giving,
That we multiply our love.

Alone, we are but a flicker of candlelight.
But when we offer our love to others,
We fuel the flickering flame of another soul.
In this, we brighten The Light of the World.

Give
Live
Love
Is it any surprise at all, that these words are so similar.

I am discovering what it means
To be who I am.
Who I am,
Unapologetically.

I am discovering what it means
To feel truly alive
Without the weight of the world
To drown me.

I am discovering the feeling
Of no longer missing those who are gone.
To not feel the burden of longing,
In my bones.

It has been immensely hard to forget.

Their images embedded in me,
I've felt small for a long time.
A long time.

You move on,
But something stays.

Now I am living presently,
And doing something with myself.
And for once,
I am not afraid of missing you.
Any of you.

Your thought has been a terrible burden.
You've made me believe I cannot be happy
Until I find another you.
Or even worse,
That I never will.

Because I was not good enough.

And I will only ever continue to never be good enough,
For anyone I choose to love.
Because that is Who I am
Not Enough.

I must imagine,
Anyone who has experienced a true breakup
Has felt this inferiority within themselves.

But God, I am alive.

With my soul,
I know my purpose is to love.
And to continue to love.

I will remember,
That we all have flaws.
I may not be flawless,
But I am human.

And as every human is,
I am doing my best.
I am working hard, working hard to be a lovely human being,
Despite my flaws.

And so with love in my heart,
A pure will in my soul,
With a dire will to make my mark in life,
I am here. Today.

Unapologetically.

And this love, My love,
Is enough.
For it is all my soul, and all of my passion.
It is my strength, and my breath.
It is my literal life energy, in every cell of my being and it reminds me that I am alive.

This love puts the stars in my sky.
My love makes my world a magical place.

And I know,
I am not alone.

If my love is worth anything,
Then others will be invigorated
By my soul's burning light.
Through love, and generosity.
Patience, and understanding.
Through compromise, and forgiveness.
Others will know of my love.

In life, despite my flaws and my blemishes,
I choose love.
For it is in beautiful, innocent, and pure love that I know.
I am enough.

And I will not be weighed down,
By my past.

I am enough,
Because I chose love.

What is right for you is what will invigorate and inspire your soul. What is wrong is what does not nourish your soul.*

You will always regret having not tried more than you will regret having tried the wrong thing.

In trying the wrong thing, you realize that it is not right for you. And using that information, it becomes easier to discern what is, therefore, right for you. It will be easier to get to what's right.

And so above all, instead of feeling pressured to do the right things, and make the right choices, and never stumble or fall...

Feel free, instead. To do anything you can imagine. And I mean it. If it is right, good! And if it is wrong, then have patience. Because if we allow it to, then what is wrong can help lead us to the right path.

What is right, too, will eventually be wrong. The dancer will not dance the same way at 80 as they did at 20. The researcher may become too fragile for the stress of conducting research, though at another time they were not. We are always changing, as our needs do as well.

And so do not judge what is wrong in your life. Consider, instead, the possibility that what is wrong may be moulding you, shaping you, guiding you towards what is right. And when you find what is right, remember what brought you there.

We don't always like to acknowledge it, but sometimes it is the pain, the hardship, the way we felt broken that made us truly want to seek out love. And it is this strong, empowered will that moves us back into life. This is how darkness finds its purpose in the light.

The pursuits of the soul, understood through the mind and expressed through the body, are what make a life, alive.

Good *** is
The feeling of not being alone
The feeling of being together
The feeling of being one.

Good *** is
The feeling of total acceptance
The feeling of being understood
The feeling of finally being cared for like you always wanted to be.

Deep down, you always wanted to be.

When you have good ***,
You no longer feel alone.

But you will be, eventually.
And good *** will go bad, if abused.

So when it comes,
Let it fill your heart.
But do not fill your heart only with intimacy,
Because you will always, eventually, be alone.

And jealousy is not the way to love,
The need holds you down.
Jealousy constricts,
While love will set you free.

When you experience good ***,
You experience the greatest love you'll ever see.
Because don't be mistaken:
Good ***, is intimacy.

It is cuddles and holding,
And passion and devotion.
It is caring, and together,
It is love, no greater emotion.

I am
Are together the most powerful words you will ever say.

Who are you today?
Sad? Over-emotional?
Numb? down on yourself?

You decide, when you say,
I am.
You choose.

You may think life is a mix of what you do and what happens to you.
You may think that what happens to you is out of your control.

But perhaps when you say this *****, I wish I wasn't here, I am going to hate this, you are telling the world how to be for you.

This is terrible,
And so it is.

This isn't so bad, I am enjoying myself,
And it is so.

Perhaps when they say we are the universe,
They mean it.
And our thoughts are cast out into the universe,
Reflected back in our reality.

This is the key.

We think these thoughts, and they seem gone.
Then, our reality shows what we had felt, or thought.
And we call this what "happens to us."
But we happened to it first.
We create our own reality.

Life is a simple game when you realize this connection.
You can predict your future in a way, by realizing how you are feeling, and what you are thinking.

You can use your emotions in a reactionary way, as if to be on automatic:
Someone hit my car, I am angry.
I did well on my test, I am joyful.

Or you can stop yourself, and decide: how do I want to feel?
Who do I want to be today?
This is wakefulness: consciously deciding who you will be.

It is a blessing.
In gratefulness, we know we are free.

Realize that your life is determined by your feelings about it.
Your feelings (expressed in the mind through thought) are how your soul will speak to you.
Listen, when your soul speaks with you.

And say,
*Today, I am.