when i leave my hometown
i leave pieces of myself behind
leaving home is bittersweet
i've made so many memories
I'm leaving all the landmarks for
those memories behind
sometimes i wish time didn't go so fast
i cannot hit rewind
there are a multitude of landmarks
that remind me of you
like when we went to cross the creek
and you lost my shoe
in my new beginning
those reminders will not exist
i'll be 828 miles away
from where we first kissed
and even after all this time
these memories still dig deep
someone once said that there is never
the same kind of love twice
i wonder which version of my love
you keep
part of me will always love you
so leaving home is hard
it's time to move on in life
to pull a different card
i wonder if you ever think of me
i guess i'll never know
but when i visit home i'll always think of you
and so
i'll keep you in my memories
and somewhere in my heart
there will always be a place for you
no matter how long we've been apart
and i couldn't tell you why
i feel the way i do
i just think that you should know
i will always love you.

and I doubt that I'll ever be the same
because after I met you
everything has changed
and there has been some laughter
as much as there is pain
but since i met you
i doubt i'll ever be the same
you changed the way i saw the world
you changed the way i felt it
because everything was foggy
and then you wiped the glass
and now i can't stop seeing you
in every reflection
your face is everywhere i go
in my brain there's a collection
of memories i made with you
and now i can't go to the park
without looking for your face
because being there without you
just makes me feel out of place
i don't regret letting you in
trust me when i say
I would do it all again.

i am a restless spirit
everyday i crave adventure more
caged is no way for a bird to live
every freedom granted makes
me yearn for another open door
what sounds like song to you
is actually a cry for help
still feeling trapped
is this my home?
maybe i'm not even a bird
i'm a lioness on the prowl
bold and daring
dangerous
always hungry for more
adventure
or maybe i am just a girl
just a writer
trying to find my place in the world.

trying to hold it together
but i'm ultimately falling apart
how do you hold back your tears?
when something is breaking your heart?

I just really want to know
Do you think of me at all?
Because I dream about you all the time
You're always lingering in my mind

I actually really miss you
though I wouldn't dare to say
I just really wish I knew
If you felt the same way

I ramble on about this
but i haven't yet told you a thing
holding you tight would be like bliss
but to the unknown I cling

You don't know how badly
I want to spill my guts
I would tell you gladly
but I stumble over words like a klutz.

sometimes i forget that i'm letting go
because when falling away from you
i sometimes grab on again
and i try climbing back up
to where i was
but i keep slipping farther
and the rope burn only gets worse
my hands are bleeding
but my stubbornness won't let me
simply let go
not without a fight
because i can't let anything just be
easy.

Spend the night with me
we'll cuddle
and tell each other bed time stories
and we'll fall asleep
intertwined
you made your way
into my heart
have i even scratched the surface
of yours?

everything is okay
little to complain
about
simple annoyances
but an abundance to be thankful for
good books to read
music to lure me to
sleep
grades to be proud of
paycheck
food in my belly
clothes on my
back
but i still want to go back
home
things here to explore
people i try and
ignore
wish i didn't depend on the bus
not something to really
trust
want to adventure
time taken up
work till late
is it worth what i get
paid
sleep is
hard to come by
these days
don't want to lose hours
with friends
waiting for long work shifts to
end
making the most
of my time
want every second to
count
don't want to spend seconds counting
change
want things to change
counting the days
till i'm home again
back with good
friends
making some here
refuse to let friends back home
disappear
like most people do
i'm stubborn like that.

Some days I'm on top of the world
and other days
I'm afraid of heights.

Grief strikes
At unexpected  moments
Memories that I stored away
Have abruptly resurfaced
And just like in the moment when
He told me that you were  gone
My breath  is taken away from me
And everything  feels wrong
Flash backs of that day
Flood my aching heart
And just like that  day
I'm torn all apart
Reliving the worst day of my life
And the last day of yours.

baby can you tell me
do you miss me at all
because if you don't i need to know
if i should move on
i'm stuck in this limbo
i'm lost don't know where to go
i just need a map
or you could point me in the right direction
am i alone in this hopeless affection
or is it even possible that you return the feelings
and if you do that would make my everything
so baby could you tell me
because i can't read your mind
my patience is fleeting, but we still have lots of time.

I want to get lost in you
to pick a vein and follow the path
praying that it leads to your heart
but if it doesn't i'll travel the depths of you
searching for the right path
and if I end up in your stomach
maybe i'll give you butterflies
I don't want to end up in your lungs
because breath is too easily spent
do I take your breath away?
but maybe i'll find myself among your thoughts
and become the song you can't get out of your head
but I would rather dwell in your heart
and give life to every part of you
but if I find myself in your fingertips
I hope the words you write will be about me
I have never been great with directions
an adventurer willing to take the risk of getting lost
and should I ever find myself on your lips
I hope it's with a kiss

mondays
recovering from
busy sundays
trying to function
barely able to speak
a couple more days
left in the school week

Monday starts the week
Wake up early, barely sleep
Class after class drags on
Then at last you go home
What awaits you tomorrow is a mystery
Today is tomorrow's history
If today was hell let's make tomorrow better
Smile and write yourself a letter
Remember to laugh
And not dwell in the past
Because only you can make this Monday better than the last.

My music knows my pain
and mocks it
pandora on shuffle
it plays exactly what I don't need
it knows exactly how I feel.

I'd say you're my cup of tea
but I don't drink tea very often
maybe you're my cup of joe
you give me that spark of energy
that i need to get through the day

At 3 am my hands froze
wishing for gloves
or hands to hold
my eyes fighting to stay open
my fingers in constant typing motion
in each room there's someone snoring
behind their eyelids their subconscious exploring
i'm fond of this place called dream land
but you'll have to wait my dear sandman.

today my name
is just another reminder
that my father never cared
Alysia spelled a l y s i  a
or in some cases ayslia
the name my father gave me yet
he cannot seem to get it right
but when you're on ****
it's hard to get anything right
my name is shrouded in dark shadows
it tastes bitter in my mouth
just another reminder of
my father's failure
it sounds like the car that crashed into my heart  the day I recognized my father's absence
my name is Alysia spelled alysia
or aylisa depending on his state of mind

And somehow
i will strip myself of you
i will remove your name
from my lips
i will no longer speak your name
i will remove your name
from my heart
i will have no attachments to you
and it might take a while
because it's been a long time
but somehow
i
will rid myself of you
but i'm not saying that when someone else speaks your name
i won't still smile
or if i see you around i won't say hi
but i'm stripping myself of you
no longer will i be the one to try
i'm stripping myself of
you

i can't be your everything,
but i can be your something
and i no longer care
what we are anymore
as long as we aren't nothing
you can't be my everything,
but you can be my something
you can't be my everything
but you can be my "one thing".

God is teaching me
how to not be so
reactive
that it is okay
to walk away
without explanation
that i don't have to
explain myself
to anyone
because he already knows my heart
completely
he is teaching me
to let go
of the things of this world
and hold on tight
to my relationship with him
and not my relationships
with others
because i feed off of
the energy of the people
i surround myself with
and i don't always
surround myself
with positive people
he has taught me that
if i feed off of people
instead of him
that i will always
be left feeling hungry
so this is my surrender.

once upon a time i was a little girl
a girl with her head in the clouds
mind a-whirl
a dizzy-day dreamer
not in tune with reality
but constantly seeing the magic of fantasy
imagination was my escape
i lived in a world where my parents didn't fight
and  my dad wasn't always gone
my mom wasn't always mad at him for BEING gone
imagined that he never put those holes in the wall
with his hands
and then his head
he never yelled at my mom
in my head we were a happy family
like the people on tv
but what did I know
just a kid in denial
the reality is
my dad was never there
my dad was too high on ****
to care
and my mom, bless her soul
was trying to uphold
a family of six
four of us kids
and an adult who acted like one
so i forgive her for screaming
and i thank her for leaving...
him
the divorce was a blessing
we needed an escape from the yelling
one that imagination couldn't always provide
and my mom and i never really got along
we had a rocky relationship
there was always something wrong
i was always misunderstood
and because i didn't know how to communicate my pain
i used my wrists
and cut my veins
it's not that i really wanted to die
i just couldn't think of the words i wanted to write
so i struggled with myself and i used my body as my journal
i wasn't ready to face the dragons
of self-image and self-hatred
not ready to grow up early and be emotionally stripped naked
i wasn't a damsel in distress
but i wasn't ready to face a beast
but what i figured out
is that i am not alone
there are people all around me
and a God up on his throne
and God has helped me most of all
he has chased and pursued me
he reached out his hand and helped me to see
the love for me he has is greater than my struggles
i lean him in times of need
and he comforts me in troubles
all my pain was wiped away
by the ocean of his grace
and it still befuddles me today
he gave up his son for me
a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
not deserving of his love
but his grace will ALWAYS be enough.

alone
praying for someone
anyone
to knock on the door
even if i can't hear it at first
alone
my only friends are the books
that i can barely read
because i'm practically
blind
and the tv i can barely hear
because i'm almost totally
deaf
new illnesses developing everyday
i'm getting
old
if only someone would come by
somebody
i've got three kids
three
one of them told me happy birthday
this year
one
grandkids
how many now?
six
but what were their names
pictures
don't get to see them often
but i see them in
pictures
new ones
i haven't gotten anything
new
but one
who was that again?
my granddaughter
what was her name
the pretty one
with the pink hair
alysia
i show that picture
to the folks around here
i love looking at it
pictures
are better than
nothing.

this is my slogan
can i make it true?

this is a year in which i will
work on realizing my
worth
realizing what i'm worth
realizing that i'm worth
more than what maybe
you can offer
i will work on realizing
that some pathways
you have to abandon
that i myself
am a pathway
best left
untraveled
untrampled
no longer will i let people
leave trails of litter
in the pathways of my heart
i will become healthier
ridding myself of the
sugarcoated people
who threaten to clog my arteries
with the sweetness of their artificial words
and broken promises
i will drop all of the weight
that has found itself
placed on my shoulders and somehow
left a burden in my heart
i will exorcise
the demons that haunt my
every waking moment
i will organize
my thoughts
and become a more calm
collected person
i will travel more
i'll buy a ticket
for a new train of thought
leaving the old one
on abandoned tracks
i will be more charitable,
realizing that
sometimes the charity i need to
give to is myself
because sometimes
i am the one in need of help
i will learn the language
of positive thoughts
and self-love
because it has become foreign to me
i will sleep better
not letting myself
lose any sleep
over people
who won't even
give me the time of day.

how are you?

i put a lot of effort into people
who put way too little effort into me
maybe i learned this from childhood
i thought i was a daddy's girl
but now i realize
i clung to my dad
when he was around
because he wasn't around much
i put way too much effort
into people
who put minimal effort into me
and i'm working on letting go
because yes
i want to be the person who
will cross oceans for someone
who wouldn't cross a puddle for me
because that is how you make the world
a brighter place
but it can be
unbearable
feeling like
you are never
anybody's
priority

normally i'd expect
a
"hello"
or a
"how are you doing?"
but from you
i have learned even that
is too much
some people you just have to learn
not to expect
anything from
because your expectations
will only lead to                  disappointment
there's no need to be disappointed
if you expect
nothing
so i have given up on you
don't feel the need to apologize,
i don't expect much
especially
from
**someone like you

I can't seem to let go
of the idea of you
and logic went out the window
back when i first met you
on that warm summer day
not to say you aren't worth my time
but i know just know that you would waste it
still i am hopelessly fixated on you
even through the long periods
of not talking
the silence deafening for me
but undetected for you
and i know you  don't
ever think about me
because if you did
i wouldn't be here
alone
stuck
on
you
frustrated because i put in more effort
than i ever should have
it wasn't exactly a waste of time
but i didn't gain much
somehow i always knew
this is just
my
luck
and i can't bring myself to just call it quits
but i don't want to feel this anymore
some stupid hopeful part of me
wrote my heart on the back of math homework
and got nothing
in return
and you never wrote anything back
so i don't have any pages to burn.

chasing the sun

i broke out in a run

i'm in a full out sprint

i'm in pursuit of the wind

the sun went away

the sky has turned gray

rain pours out of clouds

all there is is now

i have to be brave

break out of my chains

now is where it begins

now is where it ends

and i am no longer
underneath your spell
i feel numb
but it's hard to tell
will this last?
or will i ease back in
or is my pain just masked
i can't tell because  of how long it's been
how long has it been?
long enough, that's for sure
i have long since felt abandoned
i have long since been taken in
but i don't know how to feel
without your spell i am numb
will i resist or easily succumb?
i am reminded that even though
it might provide pain
emotions are beautiful
it might be nice to feel again

You are like the ocean
Drawing me in
As I step closer to the water
My feet sink in the sand
Leaving impressions of myself on the
Surface of your heart
But you steal the sand beneath my feet
I am swept into the water
With one wave you captured my being
You are so vast and beautiful
You are unending
And all encompassing
I wish nothing more than to drown
In the tides of your love
To sink deeper into the heart of my God
Because like the ocean your love is vast and
There is still so much left of you
To discover
Your word is my map
The guide to all treasure
And I will follow it faithfully
And though I might get a little lost sometimes
You are a patient guide
A faithful compass
And you will see me through
The stormy weather
And lead me home
Once more.

sometimes i get scared that
you won't be there
so i try and look for
a back-up plan
there are plenty of options
to fall back on
but i don't want any of them
so stay with me from dawn
to dusk
each and every day
i'd be called lady luck
and if i can light up your face
like you light up mine
it's  only by grace.

Two am sleep habits are tough to break
"I'll go to bed early" I say
Yet here I am
Awake
The witching hour has yet to come
And I'll never wake up before the sun.

Can you tell me
if it's time to let go?

I don't want you (wrapped around my finger).

for now
i shall have to keep you
tucked away
in a  far away pocket of my mind
but i can't seem to find a pocket
secure enough
because you just keep
coming back
to the front of my mind
and i wouldn't mind
if it stopped
need to find my focus
but keep losing focus
need a pocket
big enough to keep
the thought of you
secure
but there isn't a lock strong enough
to hold back the thought of you
and maybe that would be easier
if you only took up residence in my mind
but it seems
that you have  also
taken up residence
in my heart.

i can see past your serpent smile
deeply embedded in you is poison
and there will be no venomous victory here
i will not be your charmer
or your prey
the colors of your skin briefly baffled me
i thought i saw beauty
but i remembered the warnings once uttered to me
i am an animal of curiosity
but i unlike the cat
won't let it **** me

with facebook
comes lack of
privacy
your whole life
is out there
for the whole world to see.

when it comes to showing you
how much you mean to me
i am hardly transcendent
but i can promise you
that it's oodles more than you think
i don't always show
gratitude
for the things you do for me
but i always appreciate them
a lot of people use the cliche
"I couldn't imagine my life without you"
but don't mean it the way i do
because really
i can't imagine my life without you
fifteen years of friendship
from kindergarten till college
i can't imagine getting so easily annoyed at anyone else
over something stupid and small
but never going too long
without making peace
i can't imagine going through life
with anybody other than you
nobody else is as synchronized with me
yet also the total opposite of me
nobody else shares life's many frustrations
and joys
as much as i have with you
Proverbs 18:24 says
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
so thank you
for being that friend
for keeping me together
so i don't come to ruin
for becoming part of my family
and welcoming me into yours
i can't imagine my life without you.

forgetting you,
are you forgetting me too?
or do little things
still remind you of me
because i am reminded
constantly
do you look for me
in crowds of people?
hoping that maybe,
we might cross paths?
because i'm no good at forgetting
i just keep thinking about the past
i miss our long conversations
and how easily you made me laugh
but now it feels like
we're not even friends
this time things are different
this time there's less effort
and i'm trying to not try
but i don't want to say
goodbye
i've never been good
at letting go
so maybe i need a push.

how deep is deep enough?
how far will I sink?
will i touch the bottom before my lungs
have no oxygen left to drink?
will i just dissipate into the water?
they say 70% of the earth is made up of the ocean
and I too have 70%
I think I'll blend in nicely

and somehow i'm still feeling raw
the wounds should have already been healed
still feeling the effects of your claw
and the layers of me are being peeled
you stripped me of feelings
sliced open old wounds
but on the outside
it looks just like a bruise
can we trust what we see?
is it all what it seems?
because you appeared friendly
but you can't see venom
you just feel it when it's injected
and you poisoned me
my mind is infected
sometimes silence
cuts deeper than words
and i would love to pretend
that it was truth i had heard
but a lie was all
that you sloppily slurred
it was what you deemed i deserved
apparently you didn't find in me what you wanted
but nevertheless with my feelings you taunted
i was just another game played
until you saw
your new found prey.

i love to read
because I can wrap myself
in the security of
someone else's story
i can envelop myself in the warmth
of the characters who become
friends
and when the book ends
i feel
saudade
a nostalgic longing to be near again
to something
or someone
that is distant,
or
that has been loved and then
lost;
"The love that remains"
and that is the best fit definition
i could find
because that feeling feels so
indescribable
but characters become so real
they become friends
and family
and you can't help but feel
after the story is over
*and then the process repeats.

bibliophile
because i like watching
my collection compile
the feeling of a book
is one i can't explain
it's happiness, excitement
a thrill for my brain
books make for wonderful friends
because the next book starts when the first one ends
and there's a giant supply
a list of things to read
a list so big, i couldn't possibly complete
books are the perfect gift
because a piece of you is always in it
it warms my soul
a smile of gold
because of what in my hands
i hold
because a book is much more
than words on a page
it's part of a writer's soul captured
but not caged
because writing is like bleeding
and that's why i love reading
and so when you give me
your favorite book
it's not something lightly took
because a piece of you
is somewhere in there.

The cricket chirps a requiem for itself
it knows it's going to die
trapped inside the tarantula's cage
Thorn's eating well tonight.

you make me want to puke
i used to think you were a duke
now i know that you are ******
you are just a big fat poopie
you smell just like my dog
and you're only attractive through fog
and from far away
but dang that ugly face
what did i ever see in you
you're a stinky pile of poo
I thought you gave me butterflies, but it was just that taco bell I had for lunch.

it would seem
that i am at war with myself
half of me wants to leave you behind
the other half knows that isn't quite right
because I don't want to be someone
who walks away too easily
i am a fighter
but half of me is defeated
say something i'm giving up on you
but i won't give up on us
who would i be if i left when
times got rough?
it just feels like i have a lot of love
and i'm not sure it's worth it
not that you're not worth it
but maybe i'm not
not worth
a second
of your time.