You appear when I least expect
And send my head careening.
All the old fears and inadequacies
Stick to the bile rising in my throat.
And I can't speak
To save myself.

Once again
You smirk at my silence.

You win.

My heart is like
The plate you broke
That was Grandmas favorite
And you lied to cover it up

You see,
Like shattered china
I'm sharp at the edges
And will cut anyone who tries to help me
Intentionally or not

And while once I was beautiful
I fell
And I'll never be the same
Once I was loved
Now I am just trash

And now that I have fallen
I'm full of lies and guilt
And a little anger
Should grandma ever find out

This is what my heart is

I run
Hard
Trying to leave
The demons
Behind
But they run
Harder
And I can't escape
The sound of my feet
And the heat of their breath
Beating out the silence
In my retreat
From the wounds
That fester once more
And bleed
And break me.

There is no such thing as turning a corner
And seeing hope set before me.

There is only the running
Hard, harder,
Fast, faster,
Gotta just keep one foot landing
Then the other.

In circles
I run.

Until the day I say it's enough.
And let the demons just out of reach
Catch up
And steal the last sliver of soul
I've run so hard to keep hold
Of.

I know I'll stop running one day.
I know I'll watch them steal me
Without a fight or care.
I know I won't scream when the pain
Of losing my soul comes.
I know I'll just stand arms slack and head back
As the skies pour one last rain for me.
I know my eyes will close knowing I have no soul.
And I know all this will be my last reality,
But it'll be your face I see.

You've been with me always.
I wish you could have stayed with me always.

But I run
Hard
And alone.

Always alone.
Because no one can keep a runner.
Because no one can love a runner.

I strip down and look in the mirror.
I see your mark everywhere.
The scars you put on my body
And the scars you put on my soul.
The scars I made with my own hands.
All these scars that carved a hole
In me, unfillable abyss.

Then my eyes trace familiar lines
From the crows feet at my cheeks
And I can't help but stare
At the genetic inheritance
You left to me.
These angled ****** planes and
Auburn highlighted hair
Are all I have left of you.
My last mementos.

The longer I stand with my scars in the mirror,
The more the pain becomes real.
The more times I trace the last of you in my face,
The smaller the imprint of your touch on me becomes.

The double-edged sword of reality:
You hurt me,
You raised me,
You hated me,
But I think you also loved me.

Confusion first swirls
Then quickly fades.
For none of that matters now does it?

All I know is you're gone
And that's now what's real.
And I miss you
And that too is a fact.

My heart stops and skips a beat
When I see your face on the inside of my eyelids
And I struggle in vain to keep
The tears from spilling over and falling out.

I know I said I let you go.
I know I said I've moved on.
I know I said I'm ok.
I know I said I'll find someone else to love
But,

******* it.
I miss you.

I hold your hand
As your bones grow cold.
I wish you didn't have to go.

I hold my breath
As yours fades away.
I wish I never had to see this day.

I keep your pillow next to me,
As my own muffles my screams.
I keep your picture on my wall
Because I don't want to forget at all.

Please.
Don't go.

Your eyes are incredulous,
Unsympathetic, and just a touch doubtful.
But why wouldn't you be?
You never lived through anything
That would bring you to such darkness.
So I don't blame you for not understanding.
And I'll do my best to keep it
From ever touching you,
For I would not even wish this depression
On my most mortal enemy.
It's an unavoidable riptide of despair
That hits like a bullet train at full speed
With absolutely no ****** warning
And takes you out to a black sea
Where you fight with every limb
To keep your head above the waves
That keep crashing down and pressing up
Until every fiber of your body and soul
Are drained of endurance and will,
So you stop kicking and flailing
And find yourself lying on your back
Floating on the top of the water,
And for a second you have peace
Because the waves are crashing
But the fight is over, the struggle is over,
And slowly you let yourself sink
Into the cold arms that have been drawing you closer.
And the last thing you see
As the light above fades into the shimming drink
Is the nothing that has been your constant friend.
So don't ask how I'm doing.
Don't inquire after my health.
For to tell you would be to ask you to risk
Life and limb to jump in after me
To save my broken soul from sinking any further.
And don't you know?
I'm too far gone for you to save.
I'd rather see you standing on solid ground
Than swimming after me.
I'd rather save you and see you keep
Your doubt and disbelief
Than ever truly understand
What my depression is to me.