Living for bones
Living to ffeel
Living to feel anything at all
Living to endure pain
Living to find a way
To numb all the pain

I most deeply want to find
Love and friendship
When i would understand
If they didn't
The little voice in my head whispers
"You don't deserve to be loved"
"They're only putting on a act, they're just pretending"
I'm scared to get close to anyone
They always find a way to slowly
Slip away from what we once were
Because that's all
I've ever known
I'm sorry
I might leave you
Before you leave me
It's easier that way
So i don't have to endure the disappointment
Once again

Broken mirror on the wall
Tell me what is real
And what is not
Pick up the pieces of glass
On the floor
And fix
My distorted image
Or can you even
Pick up the pieces of glass
Broken mirror?

I'm starving
So very hungry
"You can't eat" says Ana
Me- "oh yeah i forgot"
Ana- "you can eat but when i say you can!"
Me-"okay"
Wallowing in hunger
Scared that if i disobey
Ana
I will get punished
The punishment
Is gaining weight
"Can't gain weight" i say
"Good girl" says Ana

Bones like in a cemetery
Among the living dead
Only now the bones
Are walking
And functioning
A human skeleton
Or as some say
A walking skeleton
The ghost is anorexia
She has taken over me

Lost little girl afraid of food
Lost little girl afraid of everything
Lost little girl afraid of herself
Afraid of getting
Beyond repair

You just messaged me,
I can tell you've been drinking.
You can't even remember my age,
You can't seem to recall that Saturday,
Or all those mistakes we made,

You're trying once again,
To ****** me as you did before,
Will you not stop, just quit it now?
Your girlfriend deserves so much more,
And so do I, you know.

Don't you see it hurts me?
I care so very much, too much,
Much too much to see you like this.
Too much to not try and solve it for you,
Too much to think of leaving.

I need to back away,
You know in your heart I do,
Because if I let myself get close,
You know I'll fall once again for you.
But once again I've stayed.

Nothing you do or say,
Will convince the strongest walls,
I have set guard upon my heart to fall,
I need for you to hear and understand this.
To believe this lie.

Is it really a life, what you are living?
A slave to numbers and hate,
Turning your body into a machine,
A strange reflection of your turmoil
Tell me, is this really a life?

As you count your grapes into a bowl
Are you really feeling satisfied;
Or as you sit at home denying yourself
The pleasure of company,
Tell me, is this really a life?

Pounding feet matching the stutter
Of your heart, and the blood that
Runs sluggish in your skinny veins
As you run yourself into the ground;
Tell me, is this really a life?

Talking more to the voices inside
Your head than your old friends
Carving away at your skin;
Destroying what little of you is left
Tell me, is this really a life?

Or blindly chewing and swallowing,
Knowing you’ll hate yourself
But needing to feel, comfort is sought
In the numbness of food;
Tell me, is this really a life?

As the inevitable urge overtakes
When you’ve lost control:
You failed, you’re weak and now
As you bend over the toilet bowl
Tell me, is this really a life?

You never stop to think, well maybe
You dare not: you’re haunted
By the idea your time is wasted
So you are wasting yourself
Tell me, is this really a life?

*© Tara India