It thrums.
In my head.
On my skin.
Vibrating meekly within.

The beat hath weakened,
Over many in an age.
Only providing those the need.

Vibration,
Sensation.
The will to sleep.

Everlasting eternity,
With you it seems insane.
Beating constantly.
You bring me pain..

Beat on me,
Bring my self-esteem to a pulp.
I will not back down.
I will stand my ground.

End your everlasting tyranny,
You blackened heart.
Cease your beating,
Save your skin.

Anger boils in my veins,
I hate you.

Perfection is insane,
No one is perfect.
Cease your yell,
Your beat.

You to,
Are not worthy.

Cruella*
is my stepmother's name
in my phone.
If that doesn't explain
our relationship,
then I don't know what does.


(d.d.b)

[asdfhjklqwertyuiopzxcvbnm]
this basically sums up how i feel at the moment.
but this isn't a word, how the hell would it be a feeling?
well it is.
it explains how hard it is to identify my feelings,
feeling too much,
or feeling too little, maybe even feeling nothing at all.
my feelings are as complicated and as simple as those letters put together to mean nothing but everything all at once.
it's 3:40 a.m. and instead of being sound asleep i'm just thinking and thinking and thinking.
as if all this thinking could undo the mistakes I've done.
as if all this thinking could make my current self go back in time and warn me not to trust people as easily as i did over and over again until i got it.
as if all this thinking could clear all the mess I've created in this fragile heart of mine. a heart that was once too strong so people decided to break it, and we all know that what was once broken can never get completely fixed.
oh, how i wish it was just my heart that's broken not my entire being; since when did anything i ever wished for come true anyway?
you shouldn't have left.
and i should ******* stop writing about you.
and i should ******* stop thinking about you, too.
but I can't,
i can't stop hurting,
i can't even breath,
and this constant thinking of you will destroy me.
[is there anything left of me to destroy?]
i hate every inch of my soul for loving you and i can't and will never understand why you of all people.
i can't even say i deserve better, because most probably i don't.
and i'm still writing about you..god, *******.
and **** me, for trying too hard and being so desperate.
and **** me for saying all the **** i didn't mean to say.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
i'm so ******* sorry for everything,
but mostly for existing.

for an awful lot of time, I have been feeling an overwhelming rush of emotion. all kinds. I experienced every feeling there is to feel and I thought that this is the worst thing any human can experience [feeing too much]. on the contrary, now I believe that feeling too much is better than feeling nothing at all.
when an individual is numb from all kinds of emotion, one tends to act careless. may start to push some people away and may seem really distant and becomes isolated. [speaking from experience]
reading this, whoever you are. you might not understand what's so bad about not feeling but imagine it this way.
someone that means a lot to you, it might be your beloved or a dear friend have gone into a horrible car accident and they may not come out alive from it. and you feel all this pain that someone you really care about might not be alive, you might not see them ever again and you can't handle the thought of loosing anymore people and you just want to stop feeling. you want your heart to stop aching but it doesn't. you keep feeling all these horrible feelings and then after a few weeks you get a call from the hospital telling you that the person is dead. so you rush to the hospital crying and when you see that person lying on bed, with their face cold and their heart not beating, you get overwhelmed by emotion that you start to not feel anything at all. you're empty.
you go to the funeral but you still didn't shed a single tear. you want to, you want to let it all out, but you can't you're just numb and that's what you wanted right? to feel nothing? now that you do feel nothing you know how it's even a harder struggle than all that you've felt. now it feels like there's a missing part of you and you can't get it back. you can't move on because you didn't take your time to grieve. and you have to live with the emptiness until one day you get to feel something.
advice: allow yourself to feel every emotion there is to feel.
take your time to grieve and cry when you need to. don't keep anything in because yeah in times you just want a switch off from reality and pain and heartache but just remember that this is not the only emotions you can feel. there's joy, happiness, love, compassion, etc.. and life can be beautiful if you want it to be.