I have a phantom window knocker
comes early in the mornings
catches me deep in dreamtime
too deep to have the wherewithal to catch them.

I used to do it as a young teenager
we called it Ghostknocking  
but we never did it in the middle of the night.

I will have to out fox them
somehow
I think it must be an adult
they will be leaving looking like they are wearing sunglasses
when I finally catch them.

I seek that sickly sweet suffering
Those tragedies that feed my writing
The knots in my stomach the tightness in my chest
Buried so deep but I need them to express
The purest poetry spawned from my essence
Take their forms founded in pain's presence
I need it more than nourishment
Such a sick and brutal self punishment
I leverage the scars on and in my body
To the art in all of her glorious purity

I am afraid
I panic as I try to explain through razor blade words that catch in my throat
Each emotion becoming another grotesque indistinguishable note
Sleep no longer grants a repose from the never ending march toward death
It has only served to isolate me when I awake struggling for breath
I can feel the weight on my chest grow heavier with no rest
Like a witch with stones piled on her caving chest
I'm at the edge of the abyss unsure if I should  jump or turn to flee
If I plunge into the darkness will there even be a memory left of me
I am afraid

Three months ago,
I saw your face in the rear view mirror
Of a beat pickup truck.
And now,

I can still feel the sting of your cold fingers
As they glide across my heart and grasp at it.

I can still taste the hatred spewing from your
Teeth and flowing into my head.
Telling me i am not enough.

I can still smell the burnt scraps of my soul,
Lying in a pile by your bed.

I still feel like I was paper,
Crumpled and unfixable.

too often i find myself
feeling like my head
is a balloon full of helium
tethering itself to my neck
by a ribbon curled with
an open pair of scissors

too often i find myself telling myself
that this isn’t a good way to feel,
that this is how it started last time,
that i should eat more food,
drink less coffee but more *****.

too often i taste him
underneath my fingernails and
wonder how long it will take
for my cuticles to forget him
and wonder when the nightmares
might give it a rest,
because i could use some sleep.

i wish i was a bird flying wild and free

just a life of freedom no worry would there be

flying all around each and everywhere

just a peaceful life one without a care.



i wouldnt shed a tear i wouldnt have to cry

all i need to do is spread my wings and fly,

this is just a wish that will never be

just to be bird i will never see

I caught a solar flare

It tore somewhere between your words
And my impending despair

You see I was taught to watch the world in three dimensions
To view life in bold colour

Yet sometimes
All I need are your black and white letters upon a flat page

I was the only challenge I really needed
It was you who told me;
I didn't have to be what they want.

I saw a star burst behind that flare,
Its silent explosion was beautiful within its destruction
And I questioned whether life ended there;
Or whether it was creation.

It turns out that I am lost without you.

There was an astronaut
...I believe
Caught between the flare and his own implosion on the outskirts of the explosion.
I watched him disintegrate,
His dust formed its own miniature universe
And when everything settled down
He was still there.

I thought about you
As the stardust in my eyes

As the droplets of ink

As the correlation of all the far reaches

We are three dimensional.
We are colour
Riding the cusp of a solar flare
On the verge of destruction
Yet,
At the birth of creation.

We are the stardust that lingers in the eyes of life.

I fail to see any other reality than us.

Narrow shoulders,
Small figure,
Skinny legs,
with big hands,
long fingertips,
tight grips,
Black hair,
thick eyebrows,
somewhat pale for your peers,
Red cheeks,
Small lips,
Wide toothy smile,
You seem so fragile,
But then you carry heavy words effortlessly ,
You seem so familiar,
But then you still hid behind those walls,
You seem so smart,
But then you misspelled,
You seem so serious,
But then you laughed,
You seem so  mature,
But then your eyes lit up as soon as you talked about your favorite movies,

For all i know,
you are nothing like what people seemed you to be,
you are something more,
something deep,
As if a void,
almost swallowed me whole.