what is PTSD they ask

it’s not knowing which
way is right or left
it’s not knowing how
to maneuver your own mood swings
it’s trying to find your way
through a dark maze during the night
with not an ounce of light to guide you

it’s suicidal tendencies
it’s never thinking you’re enough
it’s thinking you’re *****
it’s thinking you’re useless
it’s thinking you’re used
its thinking you’re undeserving

it’s icing people out at the second
you start to feel emotion
it’s numbing yourself to the world
it’s laying in bed
it’s not being able
to move your body
for days on end
because the pain
strikes to the bone
it’s aches

its going a year out of treatment
and you were strong
until the anniversary month roles around
and suddenly you are a glass house
with stones being pelted to the core

it’s lost years
years of life I may
never fully remember

it’s nightmares
the gut wrenching ones
that night replaying
over and over and over

but most of all

it’s guilt
for not being able
to save my 7 year old self

i miss running away
from all of my problems
the first second I realized
there was a problem

maybe that’s what I’m doing now

realizing there’s a problem
and
realizing I can’t be that girl
who picks up and leaves
like she use to every time before

maybe i’ve grown
maybe i got tired of running
maybe the running away
finally cracked my soul
maybe i need to get away again
maybe i need to run

maybe i will

maybe i wont

i wanted
so badly
so *******
badly

to open up
to you
to talk about
my past
to talk about
the trauma
to talk about
the nightmares
that still haunt
my mind

you were
the first person
i openly wanted
to talk to
about it all

but all you ever
were focused on
was

y o u

dear grandma

it has been a year and a half
since you left
i am so lost
god
i am so lost

im empty
im numb
i can barley cry anymore

i just really miss you

miss our girls sleepovers
miss running away from lifes problems
hiding away at your house

you always knew when i was starving
you always knew how to get me to eat
you always knew how to make me feel better
you always knew how to make me laugh

you were the only one who really knew who i was
even when i did not know who i was

god
i miss you

visit me soon

let the pain from my past
be the ink that bleads from my body
onto paper

turning pain into power
turning feelings into words

The beginning of 2018 I was struggling beyond words
I was struggling to get out of bed
I was struggling to find happiness within myself
I was struggling to eat a simple meal
2018 was the year I attempted to end everything
2018 was the year I sat in treatment in the hospital after a suicide attempt and opened up for the first time in my 21 years of life at the time
2018 was the year jersey shore medical saved my life and made me feel something again
2018 was the year I knocked down every wall I ever built since the age of 7
2018 is the year I went back and accepted the fact that I couldn’t save my 7 year old self no matter how much I wanted too
2018 is the year I rebuilt my life, making it more open and filled with scenery
2018 is the year I took my life back
2018 is the year I threw my emotions into writing
2018, you’ve been one hell of a chapter in this book, and my god I am so thankful it wasn’t the last chapter


2019 I’m ready for you baby

my own parents
did not realize
for years
and years
the abuse
and
the torture
i went through
every time i walked a
few steps outside my house
greeting my neighbor

i remember the door locking
i remember them turning around afterwards
and smiling at me
"what do we have here"
he would say

i remember shaking
i remember wanting to run
i remember thinking
of jumping out the window
because that was the only escape
my seven year old self could think of
then everything goes black
and suddenly
i remember nothing

fast forward a few years
i am having *** with a boy from my school
knowing this means nothing
feeling nothing
my body has turned cold
my body has shed its weight in worry
my body just skin and bones

my mother never
told my father he claims now
my parents
they both knew
how could they not
how could they not
how could they not
how could they
not see the lifeless 7 year old
who returned home that day

how could they let me into that house