It’s been 48 hours since food last touched my lips
48 hours of pain and starvation
I don’t mean to starve myself
I just can’t help it
I look at myself in the mirror;
With disgust and disapproval
I am not choosing the hunger
But when I look at food, I automatically become sick
I think of the times I’ve cried over my body
The hours I’ve spend ridiculing every stretchmark,
Fat roll,
Wrinkle,
Every inch of myself that is less than subpar in my eyes
Do you think I want to be like this?
I sit and sleep;
instead of eat
My stomach growls
Sounds like thunder on a dry summers day
Speaking to me and telling me to stop being a ******* idiot
I tell you I haven’t eaten and your response is clear
But what does it matter to me what you think
At the end of the day you aren’t the one whose hungry
You aren’t the one who pushes her body to the point of breaking all in the name of beauty
Oh to be beautiful
Seems so easy
Especially when those words roll off your tongue
But I flinch in pain
As my body begins to eat itself
And you sense something is wrong
I tell you I’m fine
But based off the look on my face;
you know it’s not just a stomach ache

To be sober is to be free
     Free from that desire
          That need
To be sober is to have a clear mind
     Be able to think
          Realize where you are
To be sober is to be tired
     Tired of the state you were in
          But ready for the change
to be sober is to be alone
     alone with your thoughts
          the thoughts of past present and future
               alone with yourself
                    and the place you have put yourself in
to be sober is to be ashamed
     ashamed of the damage you’ve caused
          the people who have walked away
               and the ones you have hurt
                    the wounds you have left
                         so deep and unforgettable
to be sober is to be alive
     you were given the ability to feel
          feel all the things you once pushed so deep down inside of you
               all those emotions that led you to the addiction come
               back all at once
to be sober is to feel different
     you feel reborn
          new and unusual
               your first breathe as a human being taste so sweet
to be sober is a figment of my imagination
     these thoughts aren’t attainable
          this is the life I’ve chosen
               there is no turning back
                    so I cozy up at the bar
                         and drink away the pain
                              the addiction controls me
to be sober is a dream

I walked into the room
Surprised to find you alone
You sit there ignoring me as if you were expecting my company
I sit down next to you
Wondering what was going to happen next
You kiss me and grab me like an alcoholic grabs a bottle after a long day of sobriety
You slowly move closer and begin to nestle yourself into me to find some sort of comfort
Moments later you ask how I’m doing
I tell you the truth
“I’m doing fine”
even though that is far from reality
but in my head, it sounds right
my words travel in one ear out the other
but I don’t mind
I’m here with you
And that’s all I wanted
I proceed to return the favor and ask how are you
And with the same intentions
You reply, “I’m fine”

It’s the silence that kills
The elephant in the corner
Staring at both of us
First at you, then at me
You’re good like that
Ignoring the obvious
Or maybe your just not bothered by it at all
But for me it the only thing on my mind
I try to be like you
But I guess I just care more

Not long after the silence is broken
We migrate from one room to another
You slowly begin to undress
Which signals me to do the same
You grab me and throw me on your bed
I’m stunned but carry on
We proceed with our usual endeavors
Your hand between my legs
Searching for a reaction
I give you what you want
Even though my attention is elsewhere
You tell me to move up and you continue
You notice somethings up and tell me I’m tense
I guess my acting wasn’t on point and you caught me
You tell me to breath and relax
But you and I both know that’s not going to work
We proceed and I pretend some more
You look up for a reaction and I give you that satisfaction
And when your finished
It’s my turn to make you moan
I get to work
I make sure to do all the things I know will make your hair stand up
I move lower and lower
Till the only thing left do is swallow your pride
You grab my hair and push me down
You love it when you have control
You pull me up to your face and kiss me
I expected this to happen next

We play the same chords over and over again
Only to continue with the movements
But this time it’s different
And right before the end you tell me you missed me
But you didn’t miss me
You missed what my body provides
A place to hold your manhood
And like the alcoholic needs a drink
You need someone to cherish your manhood
My body to you is who I am
It’s what you crave
You need the parts of me that serve you
That’s what you miss
I lie there in silence
Staring at the elephant  
Until I finally say
I missed you too