My every thought had a life

My every thought was a living soul

Whose very birth and death begin and end

With the existence of you


I have never truly felt such joy

Rippling through every atom within me

Each blooming into a sea of wildflowers

A sea of every living thing

Playful, wild and free

Until I've met your eyes

Until I've met your smile


When you rushed into my presence

I've not just suddenly seen the light

But felt its wrath

Felt its everlasting warmth

Felt its very presence

Merely standing distances away from

You

Letting it consume me

Letting it wrap its invisible arms around me

Seep through my being

And transform me into a

Vessel carrying only love and fear


I've been asking questions all my life

Asking to be accepted

Asking to be fearless

Asking to be loved

And thought I needed answers


Yet the moment I saw you

And every moment when you were

Within my sight

I've readily forgot how to fear

How not to let happiness through

I've even forgot my own existence

Let alone its troubles and tears


And then, came the darkness:

What you have brought with

Your presence

You've taken them with you with

Your absence

And as you turned your back and

Walked away

The joy followed you

Then the light

Then my very dream of sleepless nights

My very dream of living

Until only the dreamless, the starless

Were left

To tear me away from my own soul

To break apart my every living particle

And along with the unbearable and breathless

Pain of its tearing, hurl each of them

One by one, into the abyss

Of loveless silence

And pointless existence


I've savored the twinge of its tearing

Endure the pain of its death

And rejoiced at this everlasting suffering

Knowing my love for you is true and endless


In the end, may it never end,

If I were to never love you

I'd only wish upon you

The heat and wrath of this joy

You've once gifted to me

And never, for a moment

Feel this pain, and suffering of your

Absence

Even, if I'd have to endure them

Eternally

For you

Part 1 Down the Rabbit Hole:

He had faith in exceptions
He was optimistic
He “believed in six impossible things just before breakfast”
and had his cake.
He mused of the bunny farm
and fought the jabberwocky in his dreams.
These things failed him.
He woke up, and was crushed with the mice
In a snap of revelation
and
Under the weight of truth.
He was shattered, along with the coral corpses
Of the paperweight

Part 2 The Paper Weight:

A coral in the glass paperweight
A hummingbird shielded by twigs
The fragile illusion
A naive illusion
“The beautiful illusion”
Quoth Marlow, our dear friend Charlie.
Through the looking glass
His world, the Poet’s world,
was shattered,
Not by “a sea of trouble”
Nor by words of a mature revelation
but by Silence.

Part 3 The Horror, The Horror:

The wrath and sorrow of the composers
Were expressed
In the requiem of silence.
The conductor threw his hand open
In the final flight of the dove
For the poet, the dreamer,
Who, and whose ballads and odes
Were silenced on the battlefronts of the nouveau era.
No one followed when he chased the seagulls.
No one answered his pleads and screams of wrath and sorrow.
In the end, there was only silence
For the poet, and his poetry.
To this he whispered:
“The Horror, the Horror”
And then
Nothing more.

There are lights in the sky
Each a lamp lit for someone else
And none for me

I’d sent flame after flame
Up there for you hoping that
One day they’d be bright enough
To reach you

To listen to your words of white heat warmth
That will send a wave of fire through
The void and light a billion stars
For me
Even if you didn’t intend to
Your words, your smile,
Even your silence is what
Lit up the sky for me
So that I saw besides everlasting darkness
And ever more endless shadow
There are life brewing in the silence
Though not for me

The silence only smothers, and suffocates me
Like an invisible hand tightly gripping onto my throat
Without me noticing, ever so violently
Yet ever so slowly squeezing harder and harder
Till I cannot breath, not knowing the reason why

It forces me down into the depth of the abyss
Till I am no longer one, but one with the shadow
One with the bottomless pit of despair and fear
Till I am no longer within the void, but am the void

Yet, when I saw you
When I met you
I was lifted up out of where I thought I belonged
And could hold against the weight
Of all that is without light
The gloom, the shadows, the night
The black of space
The silence that cries
And floated weightlessly
Above, below, and within
All there ever was, and will be
For, even though I know not how
My love for you
Has the power to lift me up:

Beyond the wild fields of stars
Beyond the glistening ocean of light
Beyond the dreamless darkness
Beyond the unkempt bed of life
Beyond the inescapable swamp of death
And beyond
All of time

To a place where only the existence of you
Holds out its shapeless hand to me
And lead me
Rather the merely dust, and breath of me
Through the void, to the empty vessel
Carrying all the pure
Feelings, senses, love, and even pain

Though it is a place
Way beyond the rays of any sun
Way beyond the circle of life
Way beyond decay and apathy
Way beyond flesh and blood

I saw every color
Every being
Every state of being
Every possible and impossible thing
Every time and space
Pass through the ghost of you and I
And cease to be
At least that’s what they appeared to be

The twinges, the sharp electric sparks
You sent through out every atom of my body
And every participle of my soul
Told me that

They are no longer life that exist exterior to us
But within us, or rather
They are us, were us, and will always be
As they have never existed otherwise
In and since that moment of eternity

I see every river through me
My blood and hair
Every fish, your touch
Every dancing seagrass
The joy your gaze ripples through me

I see every mountain and valley
All around you
Every bump on your skin
Every wave on your fingertips
Every stone and sharp edges, my pain
Every field my words of love unending

Every burning star
Dots our shining eyes
Every moon, every heavenly body
That passes, they are the fleeting
Yet never ceasing reflection of affections
Waltzing again and again across our sight
Playful like children
Not yet exposed to any worldly sorrow

Every bit of space without light
Every pit of pure darkness
Caves of eternal shadow
Every howling silence that plunders pass
They are too, forever part of our love
For
They are the pain of longing
That makes each moment of proximity
So frighteningly precious
Afraid to be lost, so keeping it close
Like a token of innocent love
Pass down through generations
Till no being of flesh and mind
Remains, yet the dust still holds
Tightly onto it
Never letting go

And,
At last
Every bit of you
Like water droplets through the given earth
Like sunshine in an inseparable bond with life
Like rains of stars that will never leave the sky
Have seeped, melted, and spread
Through every drop sweet and bitter of me
Till I am no longer just acquainted with living
But am the very dream of life.

There is a ghost in your voice
Haunting me through the silence



Through every droplet of memory
Dotting my otherwise starless night

I tried to gather them
With my words, my fear, my soul
And yet they remain forever bond
To a place I cannot reach
A being I cannot see
And a love I can never hear

Your flowering existence sheds invisible petals
I seem to be able to find
Yet, I'm ever uncertain
All these pieces of your soul
Did you left them for me to find
A breadcrumb trail leading only
To a chance in the future
To an uncertain promise
Or did I just stole the traces
Of your existence you left for the universe
Claiming them as something I could own

Should I keep them or scatter them

Or are they even yours
Could it be that they are the pieces of my soul
Still clinging on to you
That you're finally shedding away
To be complete on your own

What could I do
Standing in pieces
Holding someone's soul
That may or may not be my own
If they weren't
I'd still be missing all the chunks I've given to you
If they were
I'd still be empty
Because
I'm forever hollow without you

The mythful, innocent, fresh,
Painful,
Reflection of the foolishly isolated,
Stubborn,
Passionately light, sea
Cleansed my condensing soul and lure me to
Its royal seat,
In its authoritarian pride.
To its greatness;
To my desperate need;
Instead of a fulfilling admiration,
I struggled, in all anxiety,
To leave an eternally visible trace,
A scar,
A mean,
In the order in front of my almost fearful
Sight.
Though, all is lost:
As I stomp my helpless hope in the soft,
Ignorant,
Lifeless, seeds of sand
The sadly benighted,
Or, rather,
Merciless,
Fluid,
Took in, in its reign,
The task of erasing,
Tracelessly, my deeds.
Leaving me with meaningless existence,
Waiting to rot and vanish, down further deep

How do I tell if
You’re only a dream
Or my reality

Not by the ecstasy
Of coexistence
Simply standing next to you
Moments at a time
Yet,
Each second a lifetime of joy
So short lived, mere sparks
In my dreamless night
Yet, each of them
Brighter than a thousand suns
Bringing everlasting warmth
To the starless depth
Of my soul

But, by the intensity of my pain
When your flame suddenly
Extinguished within me
Within my reach

At that very moment
And forever after
There was
A hush
The silence of deafening screams
At war with one another
That annihilate my reverie
Of living

For you have taken with you
All of me
My words, my breath, my being
Ever stretched between a world
I struggle to remain within
And the senseless
Abyss

I feel every pinch
Every twinge
Every insufferable pull
Yet, I plead not for numbness

I savor this
Savor the intensity
Of this unbearable
Suffocating pain
Of longing

For, only then
I know
You are my reality
You can never be just a dream
With such profound
Suffering

I am terribly near sighted
Consciously and subconsciously
I see not what I have saw
And
I hear not what I have heard
Sometimes,
In fact most of the time,
I don’t even feel
What I should have felt

But the mirror of life
It keeps a record of every little thing
And I relive in my dreams
All that I have missed

And much much more:

All I ever need
Is just a little hint of life:

Your lovely little smile
I failed to respond to during the day
Would haunt me
With what would seem like
A whole lifetime of sweet champagne
And
Kisses of cherries and grapes
With a scent of longing that
Fills me to the core with
Twinges that burst throughout
My entire being
Shining brightly from
Every single particle of my
Soul

The little chirps and calls of crickets
That alternate between the oblivious
Moon upon a bed of restless stars
And the wizened sun
Would always take me to a land
Unlived, untouched, unruined
A vast nonexistence
A vast ruin full of life
Where I have never been so alone
Yet so fulfilled, so joyful, and so
Free

And

The dreamless gale that
Would raise me up to mountains
From which I can finally gaze down
With sure and confident eyes
Upon the whole of life
And
See, sense, and feel
Every scenery and every being
With the purest of colours
Rowing down the crimson rivers
In a canary boat caressed by
A forest of ocean blue sequoias
Blanketed with a soup of
Violet stars
Into the heart of the universe

Where everything that have lived
Or could have lived
Never went away

Where nothing is ever gone
But just lost
So momentarily
Like a wandering child
Let out into the world
Seemingly defenselessly
Yet, perfectly safe
Under the hidden watch of
The mother

Where everything I love
Love me just as much
And so much more

Where I am never just me
But a child
A poet
A painter
A musician
An ancient pilgrim

Where I can fall into stars
And float up to the edge
Of the sky
Swim in the air without my feet
Ever touching the ground

Where I am finally
Held by you
The one person
I love most unyieldingly
In a death grip of never letting go.

I wanted you to love me because I'm truthful,
    But I forgot, there's always more fun in fiction.

Covered by a blanket of stars
Soothed by a soup of the cosmic ocean
I see silver, I see blue
Precipitation of every color and every hue
The scenery in front of me washed anew
And I saw a world formed by words false and real
I saw the sun kissing the moon
I saw sleep embracing the night
I saw time in a waltz with space
I saw promises holding itself true
I thought I'd see you holding me so
But I only beheld a shadow in my view
Is this the future of you, a love too new
Or is this just a ghost of you
A dream I never got to know

I have returned
To the land of the living
After all life have perished
To see all traces of existence
Time and space, gravity and love
Without the restriction of our limited vision
To see the imprints of our touch and impressions
Laid out in front of me in its infinite and eternal presence
Every interaction, attraction, mutual and unrequited
Left its mark, like the trails of a snail
Now visible to me in perfect clarity

I could have ran to the beginning
And walked through every moment to the end
Seen life for what it truly was for all creations

Yet, all I wanted
Coming back at the end of time
When time cease to exist
When every being, every moment
Will never again cease to exist or change
Was to find that thread
Between us
And see whether it was connected
At the very moment of sight
When I saw you for the very first time
And ever since
Tugged and pulled
At every hint of longing
Transforming me with sculpting pain and tears
And tore away my fears

And see that it was never just my hopeful Imaginations and creations of the mind
That the threads of every twinge
Every pull of my soul
Had been there
Always there
Still there
True and real
Between every you and me

I found him when I was born, and
Since, we’ve become friends.
He’s always around, but
I don't usually think of his existence as profound.
He is playful too.
Or you can say that he, like all of us, has an aggressive soul:
When I’m bored, he sleeps without sound.
When I’m joyful, he makes me shorten the song.
When I tell him to run,
He just shuffles along.
When I want him to wait,
Only seconds is he gone.
I thought it was just his nature,
Nothing wrong.
But one day,
I realize,
His trick for was for my slow death
While he, fed on my flesh, lives forever long.

Before I met you

I was merely an unaging larva

Adept at hiding

Terrified of living

That always closed itself in.


It wasn't until you suddenly rushed in

that I finally gathered up the courage

The desire, the hope, the need

To burst from my suffocating casing

And flew right to thee,

Thinking you were just like me.

But when I did,

I saw what I didn't want to see

I saw the fragile mirror

That your kind eyes were reflecting

And found myself to be

Not the beautiful butterfly I was expecting

But an ordinary worker bee.


So I worked and worked

With my every breath

Persevered for you to notice me

Pleaded that you stay with me

Instead you flew away from me

And the wind under your wings

Carried away every little thing

Sunshine, earth, and rain

Till I finally withered in Spring

Till I finally accepted my fate and gave in

Became a drop of honey

Content just to be

The unseeable sweetness in that warm cup of tea,

I used to see you land in.

Suffocating under this hopeless violent shade
of an exotic violet
Peeking through the clouds of all divine nature
saw
The tiresome one dragging his insignificantly weightless soul
and deeply profound mournful shadow
over the wisely aged support of ground
and
under the heart condensingly
sole comforting warmth
of the frightening sharp sight of the assuring moon's gaze
and
while he ever slowly decays
with unshaken belief of his haplessness
what turned from a sudden and short view
became a never more enchanted relief
and
REVEALATION

from life's start
to life's continuation
here the story lies:

Habitually crossing the windows

One can’t help but notice the existence of two brothers

Although, residing under one unfascinating roof

With all frustration, one will definitely notice that

The place of residence is not one

But in reality two by division

One main, one sub as it is under



The elder of the relation

Appears sadly clueless to the other’s existence

Having never doubt, in all possible faith, his loneliness

Though, the younger, might be well aware of the duo

Nonetheless with pains, anger, and the uttermost speechless helplessness

All his doing, or knowing

Is always credited to the elder

While the latter accepts the acknowledgment in complete bewilderment

the tale In oneself
without the deeper implication is enough of misfortune
for us to pity the Self

In truth, my love for you is more like gunpowder
Than mere candle light
Thus I had to light them one by one
And so distantly

I kept them between metaphors
and more subtle words of my burning desires
So that you’d never be hurt by its fury

I held so much loss in my hands
That I could see it everywhere
That I could never be surprised
By its appearance

After every expected parting
I moved on without much of a scar
As I was callous with all of my faults
And you’d never have to mourn for a full heart
Never have to mourn for a heart that’s
Never gained, never lost

But, you softened me,
Cut me open with shards of your soul
And I fell in love with the pain
With your sorrow

Yours was the light of life I could never lose
Once held inside of me, I would never again
Bear the darkness

How I wish I could wake and walk beside you
How I wish to read to you in my voice and not my words
How I wish to be close to you not in inference from silence
But in laughter and teary smiles
To walk the streets of Toronto,
To Paris, to Florence, to Barcelona
See every Van Gogh, Rodin, Gaudi,
And even Otto Dix and Ghiberti
To hear old tales of the tenements
And relive ancient dreams through the operas in New York City
We could even go to places less worldly
To see ghost in the streets of York
And greet sir Newton’s spirit in Westminster Abbey  
And there’s a bookstore in Venice I had always wanted you to see



Yet,
I dare not even wish for a kiss
For
I did not want you to see me
In the light of real life
And extinguish the fire that kept me sane
Kept me alive

I could not bare to lose you completely
So I let my words be there for thee
But I see you have found words better
Than any born within me
And so I thought of taking my leave
For though few would love you as fiercely
All will love you better and calmly

How I wish I could love and hold you freely
Tightly and fearlessly
Yet, I know I am not ready
A child so unkempt and messy
So fueled with readily jealousy
I am trying so hard at bettering
But I could not change so timely
I had to be certain when I held your hand
I would not hold it too tight or too loosely
I could never endure darkness without thee
Yet I cannot hold your fire momently
I know that you would never in a million years
Wait for such an unlovable me
Yet, I would hold my soul for you eternally
Making it more and more cozy
So that your fire could reside within
More comfortably
Even if you’re never burning for me

I’m afraid I have more tears
Than words nowadays
And I’m afraid they would rather
Drown you than lift you up
To where you belong

You were truly everything I had
And as I can no longer find comfort
In your eyes, your smile, your voice
I found love in your absence
In the mindless suffering and pain
The devouring cloud of fear and desire
Dragging me deep into the night

They are my greed
Wanting to feel your love
And not just know it, sense it
And wish it

They are my shame
For I was not made to be loved
My only privilege was to give you
Unconditional love

Even that, I can only show you in words
So petty, simple, undecorated
And pebbles to the gold

My words were never glamorous enough
For your beauty
And tender enough for your soul
But they are did not come from within me
I did not create them
They are the flesh of me I tear apart to show you
The emptiness inside
And to fill your scars

I hope you don't need them
Yet so afraid that you don't
Because they are already broken
And have nowhere to go

I can't bear to be the dust in the wind
Floating away from you
But as my tears and fear takes over me
That's where my words will go

I can’t desire standing next to you
Or let my tears stain your soul
So I kept myself between you and the flow
But soon, over me, the water will go

And darkness will be all I know.


If only I was forgotten before
I was known.

If only, into this life,
I was never borne.

I had no more songs to sing
Not because you never answered
But because I thought you didn't want to listen
I loved the echoes of my own voice
As long as I knew you were the cliff on the other side sending it back

But when the wall has been obscured by a total lack of presence

I can no longer see if you have already tore it down
And welcomed in everything that’s not me
And my voice had been all along
Just companion to the wind

I knew you didn't need me
But I know you needed something
I couldn't see if you are gathering
Gold underneath everything
And harbouring a world inside your dreams

I had to scatter the already broken pieces of me
So that you are never barren and empty
So you can be my distant field of love unending
Filled with all of me that's better than
These terrors I am carrying

I needed you more than you needed anything
But I knew you belonged to the earth
And I dare not let my wave of persistent
Darkness weather you away

I had to carry all of my own burdens in all of its dreamless weight
Let it crush me in silence

All I ask you is the echoes of my own voice
To know that you are still there
Listening

Healing
Feeling safe.

I have not known love
Not known the stars
The moon and the sun
And warmth and all the
Petals that blossomed inside
Every particle of my heart
I had barely known words
And I had barely known the dark

I dwelled within the dreamless
Sinking into the abyss
Dragged down by merciless
Invisible hands of fear
Senseless guilty, and
The threat of life
That clutched my throat
And crushed my being
With an abundance of
Things that are not mine
In a bet against an abundance  
Of unfulfilled desires
I was suffocating
At the fringe of madness
And pleaded for a fall
Of complete non-existence
To be forgotten
To be lost
Till I can no longer remember
Myself, till I was never here at all
Till there was no life, breath, and
Darkness

Until the spark
The flash of dim light
That flickered in an instance
Across your eyes
Like a passing shadow
Like a spectre at the edge of our sight
Like the illusion of time
And the warmth a dream brings
I cannot no longer be certain
That it was ever there
But, it was the wildfire
That lit up the barren of my soul
And led me out of the cave
And showed me a world within me
That I had wished to known
But had always been so far away

I saw stars within the milk and honey
With, or without, the night and day
I saw tears in every raindrop fallen
With, or without, endless fields or ocean waves
I saw life within your presence
With, or without, the beginning or end of being
I saw darkness within your absence
With, or without, a maelstrom, or life’s grace

As long as you were there
I was no longer the bitter
Adversary to living
But the greatest friend of life

With you
Time only meant waiting
Eons for a second of your smile

With you
Space only meant coexisting
A second with you for moons of your warmth

Yet, there was not one second
I was not aware that the darkness
The emptiness, the silence
The shadow of your future
Was trailing behind me
Getting closer and closer
Waiting to push me back down the
Bottomless pit of loss
Till I am not just as wretched as before
But completely shattered and extinguished
By the lack of your light

I tried to get to you
Before the abyss got to me
But the desperation of my fear
Frightened you away completely

Like the child and the fireflies
I tried calling you back
With shards of my soul in my palms
And tears falling from my sky
But there was no use
I had to watch you take everything
You brought with you away
I had to watch my world weather away
And the unkempt bitterness
Grow back in haste

Yet, you have not taken everything away
The shards of my soul turned into stars
And the forest of my undying love
Struggling to grow and stay

The tears of my pleas collected into a river
That I sailed on and on heading your way

And although I did not chase back
The light of your fireflies,
I kept every speck of their light
These I turned into words of love
Every day I sent one to you
So that, on your way to your happiness
You’d never stray

I don’t have much of them left
And soon I’ll be silent, dreamless,
Dark and fading away

I see and hope you are content enough
For, I can no longer hold back the silence
Of your crashing waves
I’ll soon be sailing into a place without words
And there
In complete darkness
Beneath a perpetual starless night
Is where
I’ll stay

The summit has not been obscured
By other towering dreams
Peaks of higher aspirations I cannot help
But want to cross and conquer
Or a swarm of warm mist
That seems to disperse whenever I am near
Never letting me close enough
To feel the comfort of its numbness and unawareness
The safety of the oblivion and the oblivious

Instead, I see everything so starkly
And unquestionably clear without a seam
For even a sprout of my readily self-deception
To thrive-
The minute green that would only let me see
Its specks of hope and grains of chance
While hiding away the monolith of impenetrable
Impossibility-

No, I no longer see my age old distant reveries
The yonder fading waves of rolling hills
That seemed destined to be mine
The distant mirage I only chased
Because it was a custom to be chasing
They have all been wiped from my mind
By a sudden total eclipse of presence

I have woken up, and forgot what my dreams were
I have arrived on the other side and saw nothing
But the same fields of scattered shrubs and
Abandoned trails

Perhaps it is only I, who’s lost
While everyone else have arrived at their destination

I have not stopped walking-
Towards you, towards life-
Though I have slowed my steps
And paused constantly, to look back
At every step I have taken
Every direction I could have taken
Every route others took
Every footprint that is not mine
I looked at every path I’d strayed
And wondered if I should have stayed
Wondered if I should have went a different way

My every thought flowed over me
Filled in the faults and valleys of my every step
Ebbed away from the path I never doubted
Was the way
Drowned every blade of grass, and
Washed away my conviction
And sent me down the stream back into my
More innocent days

Except, this time, I did not find myself
At the foot of a smaller hill
But, within a pit of pure darkness where
I could see the light, shining on everyone
And everything, but none could reach me
It showed me where I have failed
And where others have succeeded
Every immovable rock I have missed
And every rotten branch I have grabbed instead

I asked the light to spare some for me
Hoping to see everything
Instead it asked me where I most wanted to be
And I pointed up to the summit I thought
Where you were most likely to be
It did not show me a path straight to thee
But every stone that’s strong and sturdy
And told me not to look back or
Too widely around me
Not to question whether the path is the path to be
And stray from my sight to thee
For even if I never reach the place I wanted to be
I will never be lost,
Or be devoured mercilessly by the darkness
That’s everything behind me.

The wild grass lives only for your sight

For your unreserved love and care

For the shadows in your every step

For the light in the black of your eyes


The ripples in the lake live only for your dreams

Your life tumultuous and bare

For the wrinkles in your soul

And the weariness in your countenance


The old dog at the old place live only for your loneliness

For your tears

For your cry in the silence

As it licks away the bitterness in your existence


Yet, you love not them-

They are always there,

Simple, undecorated,

Pebbles to the gold-

But wilder, greater aspirations


With the mountains in your eyes,

You won’t see the dandelions

Will they still be there

Without your sunshine, earth and rain

That showed me my place

And taught me what it is to be alive


With the waves in your eyes

You won’t see the ripples of a single stone

Will they still be there

The seedlings growing within

The fish swimming in between

That showed me I was not empty

As you lit up the world within me


With every being in your eyes

You won’t see the old dog howling in pain

Will it still be there

The life within its loyal eyes

The laughter running free and wild

The shelter, The love, and every breath

That showed me my purpose of being

As you led me down the path I’d never stray


You will not know

You will not see


Yet, I’m certain

When you return

Danced your dance

And weary of pleasing those that will love you

Your beauty, timely, sparingly, and conditionally


They will still be there

Waiting for your return


For, even when you were chasing everything

Because you thought that they had nothing

You were, are, and will always be

Their everything.

The more timid side of the maple leaves rustles along the wind



It's silvery sheen swings from side to side



Perhaps signalling to a long lost love not yet forgotten

                     From an once upon distant dream



No one knows if the ripples in the air will carry along the message

                    Till it reaches the land of forsaken things



But still

                  

          The lone tree sings



As I cross it



I stumble onto a different reflection of yearning:

        

          As I wade through the river of wild flowers,

                    and greet the leaves with thorns as wings



The catkins hop onto me



A wave of small needle sharp pain attempts to send off their well wishes with me



Not knowing that the scratches on my being



The messages they try so desperately to depart with



The telegrams of little bumps and lines on my skin



Will never leave with me



Like the ripples in the air



The ripples through the grass

          The ripples of pain that momentarily made its presence well known throughout me



Will dissipate as soon as they form

          And be forgotten by me



All efforts of remembering and wanting to be remembered seem useless in the grand scheme of things



Still, within the palpitations of life, every pedal and every blade of grass resumes

          Its dance around me



Every seed of memory still holds onto me

And still



I try to find you within these things



Like fireflies seeking companions in the night sky



Only to find more warmth within embers of a more humble height



Of course, I did not find you in them



I only found myself seeking your presence



Even though you seem to exist within every breath I breathe



Disappointed, I went away for the night





As I was about to drift off to a more slumbering dream



Hoping for better fortunes in my aimless seeking



I saw you



          I saw you within my tea



I saw you through



The starless ripples within memories oceans deep



And as it reunites with the milk and honey



The sky became complete



Every drop was an universe



And within:



Every speck was you and me.

There are lights in the sky
Each a lamp lit for someone else
And none for me

I’d sent flame after flame
Up there for you hoping that
One day they’d be bright enough
To reach you

To listen to your words of white heat warmth
That will send a wave of fire through
The void and light a billion stars
For me
Even if you didn’t intend to
Your words, your smile,
Even your silence is what
Lit up the sky for me
So that I saw besides everlasting darkness
And ever more endless shadow
There are life brewing in the silence
Though not for me

The silence only smothers, and suffocates me
Like an invisible hand tightly gripping onto my throat
Without me noticing, ever so violently
Yet ever so slowly squeezing harder and harder
Till I cannot breath, not knowing the reason why

It forces me down into the depth of the abyss
Till I am no longer one, but one with the shadow
One with the bottomless pit of despair and fear
Till I am no longer within the void, but am the void

Yet, when I saw you
When I met you
I was lifted up out of where I thought I belonged
And could hold against the weight
Of all that is without light
The gloom, the shadows, the night
The black of space
The silence that cries
And floated weightlessly
Above, below, and within
All there ever was, and will be
For, even though I know not how
My love for you
Has the power to lift me up:

Beyond the wild fields of stars
Beyond the glistening ocean of light
Beyond the dreamless darkness
Beyond the unkempt bed of life
Beyond the inescapable swamp of death
And beyond
All of time

To a place where only the existence of you
Holds out its shapeless hand to me
And lead me
Rather the merely dust, and breath of me
Through the void, to the empty vessel
Carrying all the pure
Feelings, senses, love, and even pain

Though it is a place
Way beyond the rays of any sun
Way beyond the circle of life
Way beyond decay and apathy
Way beyond flesh and blood

I saw every color
Every being
Every state of being
Every possible and impossible thing
Every time and space
Pass through the ghost of you and I
And cease to be
At least that’s what they appeared to be

The twinges, the sharp electric sparks
You sent through out every atom of my body
And every participle of my soul
Told me that

They are no longer life that exist exterior to us
But within us, or rather
They are us, were us, and will always be
As they have never existed otherwise
In and since that moment of eternity

I see every river through me
My blood and hair
Every fish, your touch
Every dancing seagrass
The joy your gaze ripples through me

I see every mountain and valley
All around you
Every bump on your skin
Every wave on your fingertips
Every stone and sharp edges, my pain
Every field my words of love unending

Every burning star
Dots our shining eyes
Every moon, every heavenly body
That passes, they are the fleeting
Yet never ceasing reflection of affections
Waltzing again and again across our sight
Playful like children
Not yet exposed to any worldly sorrow

Every bit of space without light
Every pit of pure darkness
Caves of eternal shadow
Every howling silence that plunders pass
They are too, forever part of our love
For
They are the pain of longing
That makes each moment of proximity
So frighteningly precious
Afraid to be lost, so keeping it close
Like a token of innocent love
Pass down through generations
Till no being of flesh and mind
Remains, yet the dust still holds
Tightly onto it
Never letting go

And,
At last
Every bit of you
Like water droplets through the given earth
Like sunshine in an inseparable bond with life
Like rains of stars that will never leave the sky
Have seeped, melted, and spread
Through every drop sweet and bitter of me
Till I am no longer just acquainted with living
But am the very dream of life.

You are everywhere I go

And everything I do

You're in my dreams

Of course, that's a given

And as I am painting

I find you within every brushstroke

Thin lines of memories

In every color and every hue

Drenching the canvas in

Deep saturations

I can never wipe away with

The cloth of time



And when completed

Whatever it is that I have painted

They form an everlasting

Yet ever changing image of you



As the scent of linseed

Catches me in a deeper reverie

I was brought to Paris

Brought to a world with you that

May never exist and will never exist

Yet feels so real and hopeful



I see days of innocent bliss

Within the highlight of the forms

And my deepest sorrow in the shadows

Of When I have lost you completely

To my wearisome persistence



Still as the paint dried

All my words, all of my love

Will have been cemented into

A masterpiece of you



And it will not be the end of it

The end of my affections

And manifestation of it

For from dust to dust

I will keep on

Preserving and protecting

My undying, and ever more

Wiser love for

You



For

You are my color,

The oil that binds every pigment

The canvas onto which

I can express all my emotions

Hopes and dreams

You are the brush that

Paints my soul so perfectly

The varnish that makes it complete

The frame that puts it altogether

The nail I will never leave

And in the twinges that seem to

Spread out and bind my heart

Whenever I think of you

You are every thread woven into

My every breath of life

I woke up in the middle of the sea
With the helm in my hands and
The vast emptiness in front of me
Every star has left me
I can only follow the moonlight
To find any familiarity

In a moment’s slumber
I seem to have been pulled into a maelstrom
A pit of pure darkness
Yet I saw all the stars
Like fireflies hiding in the
Shadows of the woods
I followed my wizened self
Through the nebulas and
Fell back into my childhood

I am within
Every field of wild grass
Every flash of light cast
Every flower and every lighthouse
Every shadow that flies past

The little feet both soft and callous
Like hummingbirds within leaves and twigs
Inexperienced and fearless
Hide within the isolated and timeless Garden of Love
To savor happily all the milk and honey

I morph myself within every being
From every cocoon to every soaring lark
And every star
I am the shadow of the night
And the colorless moon
Every traceless wind
And
Every unmarked storm

I am within every mirror
Every candlelight
Every reflection within your eyes
The untouchable dream
Within every tale through time

I place myself within everything
Only for that unexpected moment
Silent and speechless
Yet our souls echoing loudly through every breath
When I meet you again and again for the very first time.

My starless nights have transcended into your shadowless morn

My lost fireflies have transcended into your guiding stars upon the sky

My tears of dews and rain have transcended into your ocean of fulfillment and happiness

My scattered breadcrumbs of thoughts have transcended into your tome of love and life

My moments of a passing glance have transcended into your eternity of within my sight

My fear of everything have transcended into your love of all beings, earthly and otherwise

And I

My lonesome I have transcended into your ever-presence

As you hold me through every particle of my soul

I felt alive

Sharp twinges burst through my body like fireworks in the dead of the night

And finally

The blink of me transcended through time

You’re not the unreachable stars
You’re not the almighty sun
You are every blade of grass
You are every deer in the forest
You are every ripple in the pond

But I
I am the restless moonchild
Roaming senselessly through
The starless sky

But I
I am the moon that wakes
Among slumbering hours
And sleeps through life

But I would rather be the dust
That buries your loneliness
But I would rather be the dews
That wash away your sorrow

Your gift for me is my love for my humility
Your happiness for me is my willingness
To be your eternal shadow and not just
The momentary sunshine

You’re not the sky high above all
You’re not the gale that takes all
You’re the dove I wish to caress
You’re the untouchable dandelion

And I
I am the dark clouds above all fleeing life
The inescapable starless night

And I
I am the gale wind that leaves nothing behind
That goes away silently
When there’s no hope left to be find


And I would rather be the catkins
That hold on to your dreams in flight
And I would rather be the honeybees
That take away your bitterness, despair and fright

Please show me how to love my humility
Please bring back my happiness, my willingness
To be your eternal shadow and not just
Momentary sunshine

For my love for you is not above all,
            But within every breath of life.

I can no longer be lost

Among the stars

Wishing to shine

More brightly than others

Never content in my own

Light


When I have finally realized

That it is no longer the time

To light up a starless sky

In this age of dreams

Bright than a thousand suns


For there are trinket souls

Of a rare and fragile beauty

Like corals in a paperweight

Abandoned by a world

Mindlessly chasing transient

Glamours


I cannot sow every seed

In this spring of an evermore

Inexperienced yet happier world

Of self-fulfillment


I cannot bring the sun

To every shadowed

And unfortunate being

Yet to be blessed with the

Summer of a much

kinder world

  

I cannot save every leaf

Falling soundlessly  

Within this autumn of a

Wizened universe


I cannot shield every

Hungry soul from

This wintry world of

Indifference


But I see a trinket soul

Around me, around

All of us

Fading, almost invisible

Withering and suffering


They are beautiful

But not glamorous

So no one praises them

Like they do to the others

Around these glass souls


They are not poor

Not hungry

Not visibly sick

Nor in desperate

Need of care

So no one ever

Rushes to their side


So they've build a wall

Around themselves

Without doors

Not that they don't

Want anyone to knock


It's just that they know

No one will knock

And deafening silence

Suffocates them


And they can’t stand

Being overlooked

By the seekers

The seekers of

The brightest and darkest

Stunning brilliance and

Obvious sorrow


Some of them feel like

They need the whole world

To love them to death

And no attention is ever enough


But, no one can really

Handle the weight of

The universe

The weight of a billion

Judging eyes on their

Already vulnerable and

Solitary shoulders


They have so much love to give

But they don’t know how to give

Those that already have enough

Couldn’t care less for them


Those that also built a wall

Around themselves

Cower to be broken

By equally fragile mirrors

Of themselves


Most of them have turned to hate

They despise this indifferent world

That have rejected them

Even when the world have done

Nothing to them


Like the empty glass shells

They have become

They project their inner

Bitterness upon every

Living soul

Even those that are hurting

Invisibly just as much as

Them

So the world stayed away

From each and every

Glass child

As it seemed that

There is no cure

For an unseeable illness

Spreading among those

With healthy and able

Bodies


And I was one of them

I wasn’t exactly sick

Mentally or physically

I was just angry

Stubborn

Unhappy


I tried to fight the world

And despised everything

Threw my tantrums

And begged for love

While being the least

Lovable person


And then something happened


I wouldn’t say I burst through my wall

I wouldn’t say I tore it down completely


But, I found my mirror

I found another glass being

That seemed bitter on the outside

But held so much sweetness

Ready to burst through the shell

Yet afraid to be wasted on

Another bland or bitter soul


I gave it all of my love

Even if it’s like artificially

Earning that love through

The looking glass

Loving myself in the process


I never broke both of

Our walls

Yet, I learned to be

A little happier

I learned to love the world

Just a little bit more

Not because I was for once

Or ever above everyone else

In this world

But I was at last a more

Significant part of a little universe

I wasn’t never the sun in anyone’s

Heart

But I like to think I was a moon

In the starless dream of nights


And

At last I was in possession

Of a trinket soul

Beautiful and sweet

That might never light up

The sky

But it finally

For once,

Lit up my whole world

I am reading your wordless affections
              With every twinge of missing you

Like notes on my heartstrings
Like a typewriter on my soul

If you were never silent
          I'd never have searched your soul
                           And loved you so profoundly.

I love your silence because I can hear everything.

You don't have to speak
               I hear you loud and clearly
Your hesitance, your doubts and needs
Your precious crystal heart so prone to
               breaking
Your fear echoeing when the silence is speaking
Your immeasurably beautiful soul worth keeping
               Hidden and untouched

I heard all these things
         And translated your silence into love
              Love, that, with my ceaseless praises,
                                    I will be protecting

Give your silence to me
           Let me exchange them for
                            The most honest words:
                            
My unyielding love for you to keep
                            Safe and eternally

I must speak constantly
               Of my love for you proudly
                              In its truth and honesty

So that you never hear the doubting echoes
               Of your loud soul in its transparent self-reflectivity
               Within the glass walls of your silence

When you don't speak
I can hear your every thought
                       How frightening!

There is a gust of silence
            Outside my window
                Calling my name
                Wondering how much
                .               I'm missing you.

If we clash
We would both break apart
Let me shine with you
            From afar

I thought I could be the keeper of time
Holding onto the most precious things
Like a handful of sugar squeezed tightly into a child's stubborn fist
Refusing to let go

I let everything around me change
They turned sour, became bitter
Withered and faded
Till nothing was the same
Till no sweetness remained

I thought it didn't matter
I thought I kept what I loved safe

But when I finally opened my palm
To savor what I held most dear
I realized, in horror,
That almost all of it has slipped away
Save only for a few seeds of memories
That the gale of time might
At any unexpecting moment,
Steal them all away.

I will hold you with my words
How true they are
Each letter like an ember
They will warm up your heart

I am the moon child that roams free
Senselessly in the starless nights
While you are all that's Earthly
Only occasionally glance up at the sky
Still, I love you,
And would rather be the dust floating in the silvery moonlight,
Just to be close to you.

(Just found this poem of mine from last year reposted on instagram without credit, and a pronoun changed)

The Ritual
By: Yue **** Yitkbel
Friday, July 17, 2015
I gently slit open the front zippers
Of the charcoal stained book bag
And reached in with the precision of a surgeon
Taking out an army green box
The heart of this unrequited tale:

The box squealed a pointless yelp
But, as always, I never responded
And, so I proceed
Taking out the red blue Murano quill

It was never yours, and always mine
But through these regretful years
I always kept it dear
It was the last
Token of our silently syncing heartbeat
Now slowly failing over time
Then, here and there
Alive once again, catching me by surprise.

I touch along its length
Like a dear old friend
Like a familiar and faithful patient
Check his health, wish it well, and
Send him back to his paper home

Like a ritual
I turn it around
And stealthily place it back upside down
For, that is how I remember her
The back of her hair, the back of her coat, the back of her heels
Standing stoically and unmoved
Against the curtain of the Venetian Rain

I showed you the way to my soul,
Hoping you would walk right in,
And indulge in all the little hidden
Presents I have planted for you
In my long unoccupied garden of love,
That yearned to be seen.  
But you found no urgency to enter
No need and no desire to knock.
Is it because you thought
I would always be right here
At the gates, keeping it wide open
Waiting to give you everything,
As soon as you asked?

But you never did.

So losing faith, and losing heart
I finally decided to shut it down
completely.
Hoping you would finally be intrigued
By the sudden closed doors
And finally be lead by your regretful curiosity
To knock, and inquire
What was hidden deep within.
What treasures could have been yours to
Take.
And keep.


(But most likely,
You would still hide away quietly
In your cozy little cabin of safety,
At most,
Only occasionally peering distantly from within,
Never taking the risk to leave.
Never taking the risk of a prickle or a sting
From plucking and holding even the most beautiful things
From my youthful affections in its zealous Spring.)

-The crimson reds depth of my sorrow
The ocean blues intensity of my passion
The scattering violets of the singes of my heart
When I miss you way too much
The white daffodils of my breathless curiosity
The sunflowers of my inevitable faith
The honey bees of my helpless perseverance
The dandelions of my stubborn yet
All encompassing, all accepting love
As well as
The sweet earth and gentle sunshine of you
Of which my entire being and happiness is
dependent on.

All these and more,
I now water with my endlessly depleting tears
All these and more,
Could have been
And still can be
Unreservedly your most prized priceless possession.

Many years ago,
I went to Greece with my school
We stayed near a beach
and there was a stray dog
It took my shoes and ran off
I went after it
and tricked it into losing the shoes
I picked them up, put them on
and played with the dog till dark
The next day,
He sat waiting for me outside the door
When he saw me,
He climbed up
and dragged me with his teeth by the sleeves
I don't know where he wanted me to go
But I didn't follow
The bus was here, and we were suppose to go
I don't know if it ever did follow the bus
or If it still remembers me
But, I kept his teeth mark on my sleeves
and his image in my soul
Then, years later
I met you
We didn't talk
but like the dog, I looked up to you
Gnawed at your heart by my gazes
Hoping to reach your soul
Hoping you would take my leash
and direct me where to go
And like my dog
We parted our ways
As we kept our silence
I don't know if that golden retriever
Still waits for me outside those doors
But, I assure you
I still am,
Loving you
With the love of a dog
Unconditionally
Never letting go

What I adore the least about
The Love of Men
Is but the conditions of our human condition
The endless ends and means unsatisfied
The ceaseless desires to be loved
While Love is never given without condition

If only, it were
-Even if just a mimic-
More akin to the affections of canines
A mere shadow, silhouette
Against the backdrop of the setting sun
Awaiting the return of yours truly
Wagging tails, without fail, holding on to
A silent, not promise, but natural instinct
To be loyal and
Forever consistent with its lordly love

It is love, that if bartered, bartered only with itself
Not taxed with useless decors
As possessions and gains
But only
Love for Love's sake
The way I'm loving you now

If you are someone that
Feels everything in its
Purest and sharpest ways

You will love and be loved
In a misunderstood and callous
Way

You will hear the silence
You will see no reaction
You will see caring eyes that look away
You will find someone that hides
In obscured place

You will feel their love
But the closer you get
The further they get away

But don’t give up
Don’t wait
If you wait
You might never hear their love
That they rather lose than
To it away

Open hearts are easily hurt
As they all say
So don’t expect them to
Express love carelessly
As they know it’s weight

They will be afraid to love those
That they know they will give
Their whole heart to
And thus be distant and away

Their silence hides a heart
That feels more than the same
Their distance keeps a soul
That rather hides away

If you wait
No worthwhile soul will stay
If you wait
A soul that feel as much as you
Will stay away:

A soul that feel everything
Might never show their love to you
Especially when they feel the same
Especially when they love you even more

They might seem always distance away
They might always be leaving and never stay
They might never say the words you want them to say

But, if you feel the same
If you feel everything in the sharpest ways
You would feel their suffering
And why they would hide away
Sometimes, you have to love them this way
This unreciprocated way

But, don’t worry
When you give your heart to them
They won’t throw them away
They might seem indifferent
And unloving to you
Because they love you
More than they can bare
Ever losing

So, love bravely with your already callous heart
Those that seem to back away
And don’t give up
The most beautiful souls will take eternity
To feel safe.

Some voices are silent
Because they have nothing
Meaningful to say

Some voices are silent
Because they know perfectly
Words have weight

Some of them walk away
Because they don’t understand you
And are too indifferent to try to
Anyway

But
Some of them won’t stay
Because they feel too much
To not be hurt by the smallest things
You may say

They both feel the same way
Silent, indifferent, hurtful and
Angry
So, you keep your hopes up
And pray
So, you never yield your love
And wait

But, don’t wait
A soul that will love you
Like you love them
Will also be the same

You are one that feels everything
And so every little thing hurts you
In every possible way
You are impossibly and impractically
Stubborn
You will believe something again and again
And you will love with all of you
No matter how many times you’ve been hurt

But you love in your own way
Unreserved, unyielding, loud
Yet sometimes completely
Silent

You are covered in calluses
And so are they
There are simple words
You struggle to say
And like you
They will take the littlest things
In the worse way

You are exactly the same
Yet, when you are together
You might seem universes away

If you wait
They will wait
A soul perfect for you
Might never come your way
Even if you’re right next to each other
At the same place

The mirror will only reflect what’s right in front of your face

That soul might love you for all of eternity
Till the end of time and space
But
If you wait
Their love might be words
You will never hear them say

Because, everyone wants to feel safe
And everyone wants to be loved
And not someone whose heart
Gets to be thrown away

They would rather keep quiet
Than to loudly love anyone
That they might love back
Bare and purely, with an open heart
So prone to be hurt

So, don’t wait
Love bravely with your already callous heart
Those that seem to back away
And don’t give up
The most beautiful souls will take eternity
To feel safe.

No matter how brightly I may one day shine among the stars,
                     I will never feel the warmth coming back to me
                     Through the distance
Never as much as I am feeling now
                    Cradling your fragile soul in my unyielding palms
Even if you are never burning for me
                    I will keep your flames alive
I will keep you safe
I will keep you warm

When your glass wall shatters
          I would walk barefoot on concrete
                     Basking in the pain
After feeling so numb
         Never been touched by a soul
                    So delicately caring
In all of its silent, indifferent, bare and transparent
                   Suffering

Did you hide your soul
Behind glass and window panes
Behind trench coats and disdain
Behind little words and a miniature screen
Behind the fear of everything

Are you always leaving
Never letting life to get too close
To be breathe in

Are you always watching
But feel too lonely to experience
Every little thing

Too meaningless in the grand scheme of things
Too much potential for pain
Too many promises no longer promising
Too much silence, that's all you are ever hearing

You won't let me in
For fear of leaving
For fear of changing
For fear of losing
The part of yourself you've open up to pain
Even though you've already lost it
And that's why you are hurting

But you can't lose something
You're no longer possessing

I am all of you that you are fearing
I am all of the lost things you still fear
Losing
Changing
Hurting

I am all of that you can never lose
As you have already lost them
I am only that which you can take back
A fragile soul still loving
Through all of the transparent suffering