These feelings flow inside me
Like the ebb and flow of waves
Sea levels keep on rising
As I struggle to grow as well

So constantly overflowing, overwhelmed
How can I hold it all in?
It's fire and not water that you can quell

Suddenly I'm out of breath
I'm sinking under water
Clutching at my neck -
I'm pulled deeper

Fire put out,
Lightless depths hold me closer.
My body lays in its clutches -
No will to hope at all.
All that's left is but cold embers,
No memory of a time where fires burned bright.

I open my eyes to the waters again,
Sway along with current,
Rise and fall with the tide,
Get a hang of it all,
Learn it all by hand.

But can I learn anything worth learning at all?

And I'll fail and learn from my mistakes
Try to be accountable for burdening others when I can't hold back
Waters turn turbulent, receding from my grasp,
Rising high,
Slamming its weight down, relentless,
My mind lost, struggling to find direction,
And I'm left trying to gather it all,
Water dispersed,
Pushing myself to reach out,
Rebuild the scattered pieces,
Rekindle what was snuffed out
With the little space I've scraped for it.

Where am I going with this all?

And I might be drowning,
With the enormity of that which I still struggle to grasp.
But slowly I'll learn to breathe this cold water again,
And hold on till the very end.

The night draws me back into myself
Quiet, contemplative
Soaking in the events of the day in my mind
All the words said and left unsaid
All of that which I share
And all of that which I withhold

And it does not mean that privacy does not beget openness
For underneath one,
two and
three layers are
many layers more
Should one reveal all
To invite disrepair many times more?

However, in my daily privacy
My heart joins too
I find myself distanced from
Those near me too
And I wish it were not the way it were
But I bide my time
Comfortable in my self-peace

"Forgive me lord for I have sinned
No words forget that I beginned
To seek that which I could not have
To love whom I couldn't
Shouldn't

And my heart yearns"
And my heart learnt
That these feelings were remiss
How could I understand how these feelings
Cause kin to reject one another
Like how Moses parted the seas
And my heart mourns this lack of understanding
Mourns this preference for hatred within
What am I to do, with these feelings of mine
Silenced, to whispers we fling
Immerse ourselves in
And we sow with these words
Enmity long-lived
How could I begin to unravel
That which flows through the minds of many
As if intertwined impossible
Knotted from within

For I cannot cut down these thoughts
Stitch new threads in
And so I choose to let go
And yet hold it all in
Forgive me my Lord
And lay me in your favour
Your mercy holds me safe
Please love me and care for all that is hidden under my flesh and skin

So constantly these days
Do I think about the passing of time
Growing old
And all that I've left behind
So often do I wish to revisit what went by
Companionship that gave me peace of mind
In my own unique way
Our own unique way
And I sigh all that I hold for you
Into the words I write
For our time together remains with me forever

You're on my mind
You're on my mind
Taking my time
And draining my sight
What I would do to forget you
And move on
Past your indifference to my plight

And I'll never forgive you
For what you've caused
Because I don't believe you'll ever
Come to care
And I'll never forgive you
Because look at you continuing on your way
Leaving me to my disrepair

My eyes are left distantly staring
You aren't who you claim yourself to be
Oh how I wish you'd be rid from my life
Oh how you tarnish my memory

And I should have seen it coming,
Your mother of the same tongue;
How she would have whispered throughout your upbringing,
How she would raise you to be a spineless snake
Oh how I wish you shut your mouth
Rid the world of your poison
- and you had a chance,  you had a chance
Had the chance to open your mouth,
Why couldn't you save me the heartache
And leave me with a sane memory of the youth I had

Twisted traitorous tormentful tactless two-face
Oh how I wish you'd opened your mouth sooner
Saved me my time
And let me leave sooner
You had your chance, but you chose to lead me on
And then ****** your nonsense over me
As if I was the treachery
Oh how I wish you could hear yourself
Oh how I wish you could process a single syllable's worth of weight of the words you said
And yet what should I expect;
Brain attached at the spine, and so missing by genetic defect

And oh how I'm left with your words
Left with everything you said
I hope you're happy,
As much as my wish to see you again

And as time flows on
Like sand falling through my fingers
My skin lines with wrinkles
And your path lingers
Turns away
Our growing shadows hinder
Hold onto our shoulders
Until they pull us down among the cinder
Soil holds us up until it holds us down
And your feet are still here
Stood next to me
But with each breath
With each blink of the eye
We yearn for more than
What's been placed in our hands
And as it all fades away
Returns back to land
I lie in wake
Of what's at hand
I'm still here
How long will you be?

What am I doing with my life?
Experiencing new things
Branching out with every new avenue
Where am I taking myself?
Goals vaguely planned
Struggling to understand how roots meet soil
Why?

Why... A question that troubled me so
A few years ago
Questioning life and all that comes in tow
These thoughts deeply sown
In my mind
Unearthed and
I understand
My constant sense of
Being out of place
But living anyway

And I'll take on life with every step
Breathe in and out the air surrounding me
Sky above me
Earth below me
And God surrounding me
And I'll keep on living