-

.

We sat in a triangle
The green **** camouflaged with the grass
Your laugh camouflaged with the blowing of the wind

You were both getting high
And talking about adventures we would go on
Maybe later in the summer

I was sober and I didn't mind.
I wanted to tell you that you guys meant a lot to me
But it wasn't the time

It got quiet and we all breathed in the silence as if it were oxygen
16 weeks from now,
This will be the moment that I think about
You.
Me.
Him.
The trees.
If a moment lives in your head
And the imagination of those who read about it,

Does it ever actually die?

Day in and Day out
the mountains stand
oh, so far above me.

So tall over me, as if to say
that I will never measure up to
their beauty or elegance

oh how I've tried,
And I thought I came close once
But not here

The flat northern European hills are calling to me
they whisper songs in my sleep
*vi sætter brør i brænd, vi finder aldrig hjem

When i told you I wanted to go home, I meant I wanted you to feel like home again
When I began to pack my things
I grabbed my phone
the charger
which was awkwardly by your feet
and my pipe from the bookshelf we used as a nightstand when we finished our cheap beer the night before

then I remembered the old stuff.
the stuff you kept for me
the stuff you told me i forgot
the last time you said you loved me

it was the same week as my birthday
you called me
my time
so you'd be the first one to say it

when I called you on your birthday
three weeks later
you didn't answer

the shirt you gave back to me smells like you,


but i still have it on.

Everything is happening
exactly as i figured it would

i always love to be right
to have that "upper hand"

but what i would give
for the simple pleasure

in admitting to being wrong

Your lips are calloused
from smoking that entire pack of cigarettes

My liver is screaming
from all of that alcohol

My hair is grown now
almost to my shoulders in the back
if i pull on it

Maybe it was time for a change
*or maybe I'm just changing so the old me doesn't have to miss you

Sorry that I get angry and mask it with sad
I'm sorry about what you went through with dad
that he hit you and hurt you
and made you feel like ****
and that i thought i was strong for handling it

im sorry that you find me some tuesday nights
naked in the bathtub by candle light
that you know that i just lay on the floor
that you wish and you beg for me to eat more

I'm sorry that you want more for me
and that some days you just can't see
how bad it gets, or it has been
im sorry that im always drunk with friends

i know that you didnt picture me like this
there's a daughter that you miss
I hope one day you get her back
instead of this walking anxiety attack

There's you
and there's him
and there's me and all my problems
And I'm through
Yeah it's fin.
Nothing's gonna solve them.

Just let me stay away
While it's still not weird
This towns a little crowded
And I'll get outta here
I'll get outta here

Move up to Seattle I'll dye my hair green
Open up a little shop of imported coffee
Maybe by then I really won't care
Empathy gone and apathy there

This isn't about you
More about everything
Or about all we've been through
Well, considering

I'm laying sober on the bathroom floor
Man That's a first.
You and I as something more
"bad idea"
"Yeah. The worst"

I deleted a social media
to try and discover who i actually am
without peoples perceived notions of me

an existential crisis stems
from a perceived loss of identity
through an account
where most people didn't know my name

In India, they have elephants in the same way we have cattle (they consider cows holy, and therefore don't keep them in captivity). When a baby elephant is brought to the farm, it is tied to a pole with a very thick rope, and then left to tug and pull for its escape. When it grows older, it of course becomes stronger, and becomes increasingly capable of snapping the rope it's ******* with. The farmers, however, use an increasingly thin rope - the elephant gets so used to the limitation, that it learns to go in the direction of the tug, instead of against it. In the end, the farmers walk around with incredibly strong, heavy, dangerous elephants in nothing but strings of grass. The elephants are broken in, and no longer see the opportunities right in front of them. In the same way, human potential is almost limitless, yet we get used to limiting thoughts and mindsets - we have, deep down, the ability to do insane stuff.

There were pictures of us on the wall
Right above the bed
and a note you wrote in blue ink with a felt tip pen
you slipped it in my pocket
when we went to the park
and we acted like idiots and raced to the swings
remembering things is too **** easy for me

poetry is supposed to make the reader feel things
but all i feel is emptiness unless i've taken a couple little white pills

love is supposed to drive you wild
but im making you crazy

And conversations are supposed to make you closer
but im talking to myself

It's hard for me to be your anchor
Especially when I'm this buoyant.

I had to get drunk, and read sad poetry
just to cry over you.
We both know that
This is the way it has to be

I'm only sad when I see the moon
because I know
you're enjoying the sun

If life is all a masterpiece
and we are all creative artists

my existence is nothing more
than a color by numbers.

I guess it's not that bad

However, the numbers don't add up.

Dearest girl,
there are things I must tell you
that have happened
they are happening
and they will happen

Dearest girl the world,
as so many have said,
is a terrible place
there are things like guns,
and violence
****
and it's justification

And all you can do is
breathe it out
and breathe it out
breathe

Dearest girl, the world,
as my mother once said,
Is a beautiful place
there's things like the sun
and it's guidance
capes
and flying to your safe haven

and all you have to do is
breathe it in
and breathe it in
breathe

Dear future me:
Please be forgiving.

Do I look pretty? Cause I haven't been eating.
Let me back up, because I swear it wasn't intentional
it's just that it makes me angry
that I have to
and it makes me angry that you care
and it makes me angry that it makes me angry
because its all I ever wanted anyone to do.

I'm angry at school, and my friends, and my dad, sure.
but the worst of all is that I'm angry at myself

this one song plays in my head
but it's just one line repeating
again and
again
*I'll be hanging from a rope, and I will haunt you like a ghost

I've had dreams
bad ones;
good ones;
some that didn't make any
*******
sense

im not even trying and words are pouring out
on to a plank page

feelings i thought i forgot about

*but i never could forget the way you sigh in your sleep

it's like when i saw you
i had woken up from a dream
only to realize
everything that came before
was a nightmare

I don't think i have real feelings for you
but i felt actually happy when i was with you
and it could have just been where we were, or anything else,
but i want to kiss you again
i dont know if i have real feelings for you
but i want you to have real feelings for me

I don't need to use a metaphor.
for the way our love erupted and took over a town
For the way there would never be enough water to quench our thirst
Or the way
your oxygen
gave me life.

I know you don't love me
I'm not stupid.

I'm familiar
I'm comfort
I'm a rock

You're uncomfortable
You're lonley

We're nothing.

I took out my razor blades
And lined them up row
By row
By row
And I thought about how you said the freckles on my skin reminded you of the night time sky
You've heard how flies brains get rewired when they meet their mate?
How "sweet" it is that they can never love another.
Flies don't love. That's why that happens. It has to otherwise they would leave. There's no fake sense in staying and fulfilling an obligation. Lucky them.

14- i met you standing there outside of a class that we both had
15(a few months later) i could never picture me doing anything without you by my side
16- I told you i was moving far far away and though God knows we tried there is no logical way that it would have worked
16.5- we broke up
17- we talked 3 times that year
17-you told me you missed me
17-you told me you loved me
17-i came back
17- you don't love me anymore
17-we're not talking
17-we slept together
17-we love each other
18-we're too young
18-happy birthday darling
18-i love you

.,

It's been too long, and for that I am sorry.
The words I had to say
lost importance to me and
truth be told I
didn't think you were even listening anymore.

The long walks we took felt cheated by our shortcuts.
getting lost deep in the woods
just to talk **** and smoke blunts
I want to remember the way my body ached
from passing out on your floor
when it got too late.

We went to the water park
and it was closed.
she muttered "what are we gonna do?"

"what about something crazy? c'mon, you guys dare me???"
So I ended up with a Twin Peaks tattoo
and I know I left without giving it much thought.
but no, I haven't forgot
I'd take you along if you wanted to

I looked at the west coast
and whispered goodbye
as the view of home left my sight
I don't know when I'll be back
-or if even at all
and I might forget to write; but I'll always call.

My number's still the same
but now the bill is in my name
and I swear I'm gonna pay it
someday

God, I hate drinking
but I love popping pills
I hate being in love
but I love the way you feel

My skin feels like fire
when I slice it left to right
but, ****, I feel so cold
whenever I see you cry

I write songs about you all the time
I bet I don't run through your mind
I've given up on you,
But it still hurts to know you're not alone*

312 days had come and gone
You asked if i heard your voice crack
when i knocked on the door
i did

so here we are
312 days later
sure it's a lot
but it's also not
the hole in my heart
feels more like a crater

One day it'll all come back
all the things I've done
and said
the ways I've acted to the people I care about most
and I'll deserve whatever
i get

i saw an old woman water plants in the rain.

put me to your lips
i'll take your stress away
light me up and
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
but near your lips is my favourite place to be
and even after you're calm and im all burned up
i know it'll be fine
because you'll need me again in a couple hours
i don't mind being your cigarette break

I spend a lot of time talking to myself
I guess I just have an awful lot to say

I tore the filter off of the last Lucky Strike I had
Just as a close friend taught me to
after school in the church parking lot.
It wasn't a metaphor
we just wanted the purest tobacco to infiltrate our lungs
and the nicotine to take the pressures of the day away
*even if it was just for an hour or so

maybe tomorrow
I'll wake up
and i just won't care

maybe tomorrow
*i just wont wake up

Today I picked up a pencil in a pathetic attempt to banish all the bad thoughts.
I wrote about you.
How we haven't been talking.

I wrote about my dad.
About how I don't want to hate him

I wrote about how I stopped getting high with my friends.
And how I should be focusing on important things

I wrote about how I stayed the night at my best friends house.
And how I took too much ambien and how it made me cry all night.

I meant to get all these thoughts out But now I'm swimming in them.

some days it's not so bad
I can keep my brain on track
but I can't stand the distance
between us
and I'd be there tomorrow if
I could find a way
I'll pull the money from my piggy bank
if it meant I could stay

just as always there are two sides to this
the love that pulls me towards you
and leaving my friends
we're all growing up and I guess that's okay
but I didn't expect  
to love you this way

on a plane with rows of scared faces
first time flyers
exotic new places
but I'm going to east Texas
and I call you when I land
show me that taco place you love so much
you can drive slow, and I'll be holding hold your hand


I think if I was stuck for you for the rest of my life
maybe that wouldn't be so bad
we could hold hands when it gets quiet, listen to the echoes of our breath

I didn't bite my nails in your presence
you made me forget to be anxious
you're changing majors there's major changes and  
I wana paint a picture but I don't have a brush/ so I'll use my hands as you did once, I'll be gentile, loving, and smooth to the touch

In a dream I was buried between mountains
Let go of myself and your friends

I didn't say I was ready
I'm always reading ahead


Can I Quell my elitist tendencies
Not be ruled by dependency
A Perfect personality
Using plagiarized perceptions
We use our actions to gain attention

Feeling so tired but i can't sleep
isnt that a ******* cliche?
suffocating feelings that would make me weep
but holding onto every word you say

Your hand print on my hipbone
a bite mark on your neck
tonight we wont feel alone
and we sure as hell wont forget

But for the nights your lover is a cigarette
and the kiss of death is one you love
it's not her you want, i'll take that bet
it's not her you're thinking of

I'm going to break you
and when I do
you're gonna say I loved you better than anyone ever has

I'm going to make you wish
that we had met later
so that you had learned not to talk
to girls like me

you're going to grow up
and realize that the pretty girl with makeup on her face
and scars on her thighs
isnt worth falling for

a philosophy of life.
because you can't know why

some of us liveand some of us die
or why the light caught your eyes

in my bedroom that winter night
as the days got longer,

you planned an escape
far away for better days

and you said you'd still love me.

I always said you felt like home
not like the home i grew up in of course

not like the one where after school i found my dad
half asleep
half sober
half alive
on the couch, hating himself

i always said your eyes looked like the stars
and it was a little cliche
but the stars made me feel safe
because of the night my dad hit my mom
for the first time
And i sat on the roof and cried to them

I always said you were like my bedroom
the one i would lock myself in when i was scared
maybe thats why i locked myself in you
I wish you didnt lose the key

And im staring to think that god doesn't love me at all
if he created pain he's just watching me fall
and if god created it all, then he created sin
so us poor fools
didnt have a chance to begin
so I smoke cigarettes for the same reason i fall in love;
i like to hurt, thanks to god above
I tear myself up from the inside out
and I get drunk so I know who I'm writing about.

I was in love. Never again.