i'm standing in the rain
and every drop that hits me
is a detail of my life
utterly random
some smack me, some miss me
and that's my life
i'm soaked in accidental events

I wake each day to dragging skies,
With hollow breath and heavy eyes.
The mirror shows a stranger’s face
A ghost that time cannot erase.

My thoughts are storms behind a grin,
A quiet war I fight within.
They see me stand, they see me try,
But never hear the hows or why.

“Go take a walk,” they gently urge,
As if that stops the endless surge.
“Just think good thoughts, and you’ll pull through,”
As if I haven’t tried that too.

I’ve stitched my soul with fraying thread,
And danced on floors where hope has bled.
I’ve whispered truths no one can see,
Like “living hurts,” and “I’m not me.”

The weight I carry, none can chart
A thousand knives deep in the heart.
And when I speak, when I confess,
They offer cures, then change the mess.

I plead in silence, cracked and shattered
And all they say is:

Pitter Patter.

I wear my scars like silent screams,
Dark echoes trapped inside my dreams.
Beneath the cracks, a hollowed beat,
Where pain and shadow coldly meet.

I’ve been a storm, a ruthless sea,
Drowning in my own debris.
Each bruise a chain, each fall a scar
A prisoner behind bars.

I bend but break, I bleed unseen,
A fragile ghost trapped in between.
Worn and shattered, still I stand—
A broken sword in trembling hands.

The nights are black, no stars to guide,
A void where hope has long since died.
My soul a grave, my thoughts decay,
A ruin slowly washed away.

In every tremble, every tear,
There’s rage too fierce to disappear.
So let the world look on and say
I’m lost within my own decay.

I wear the weight of silent cries,
Invisible beneath the lies.
A hollow heart, a cursed refrain
Forever bound in endless pain.

weight.
that’s all I feel now.

the weight of silence.
absence.  
thoughts like boots
stuck in mud up to my knees.

thirteen thousand nights
pounding out of my chest like a riot mob
choking on my life
and staring down twenty thousand more.
****.

the searing void
of an ancient sugared kiss
sends tears down my face
like tiny iron weights—
a silent guillotine.
you’re so far away now.
or maybe I am.

dusting off dreams
like they’re old pictures
and setting them back on the shelf
in this violet desert.
mirage or memory?
who knows.

I’ve become a warm corpse
mumbling “no”
to the tired lives that want to ride me
like an old horse
one limp away from being glue.

who is there to tell?
who the hell would listen?
who’d step foot
onto the interstate of my heart
dodging semis
and roadkill potpourri?

doesn’t matter.
the dreams look clean again.
and that’s enough
to keep the lights on in the cell
for another thousand nights.

so keep that duster handy.
go back to sleep.

these nights are hungry.
and they’re not going to eat themselves.

2016
You're hurt.
You might not have registered it, but he hurt you.
Many more people will hurt you in the same way.
They will make you feel worthless and replaceable, but you will find friends who stay.

2017
For the first time
You’re mourning for someone you never got to know.
Your mother is hurting—
You feel everything but you won’t understand until till you’re older.

2018
You love him,
But not in the way you think you do.
It won’t stop you from writing letters and holding his hand.
You'll spend many nights humiliated by your actions
And the next six years running away.

2019
You’ll understand sacrifice before you understand suicide,
And realise that everyone becomes orphans
And feel guilt for not paying rent to your parents.
You are not a burden.

2020
You feel trapped and scared
Feeling your fear rise along with the numbers.
But the storm will pass and it will be nothing but a common flu.

2022
For the first 6 months you’ll say your goodbyes
Then you’ll start public school in the middle of the year
You’ll learn profanities you had previously been sheltered from
Papers will pile on your shoulders and you will scream and sob as your soul is shredded over and over again.
You will learn of self harm. You will learn of insomnia.

2023
You will finally be able to name classmates
And race against the boys in PE. You will become class monitor.
You will have demons who shriek lies but also friends who will cover your ears to protect you.
You will wake up everyday with the knowledge that the death of your class is coming.
You telling stories, and stopped writing them too
You will finally talk to him about your mistakes 6 years ago, and leave the scout group in his hands

2024
You will watch as the group chat falls apart.
With you tearing yourself to try and keep the rotting bonds together.
You will tear your throat open screaming, because no one understand why at it's like to feel everything through the screen.
You will try to replace them with your new class, only to be let down again and again.
You will start to write all the hurt in rhymes, spilling your blood over the paper.
You will finally understand suicide, and why people want to die
You will also realise that a friend tried to jump two years ago, and you knew nothing about it.
You will find a find a friend willing to be the harmony to your melody, even if both of you tend to miscommunicate

2025
You've will meet will want to leave school, but also want to stay
You've will meet wonderful people on this website
Listen to their stories; cry for them, fear for them, pray for them
Want to know them better but still be too scared to do so
You will be insecure and distance yourself from friends.
You'll be scared to hurt them.
You’ll hold back because you feel like you’re too much. Don’t go silent.
But the year isn't over yet, so you've got time