I can't remember your voice, and it hurt me so bad because it's the one thing I couldn't go without each day. I can't remember the way you kissed me and told me It was gonna be alright.
I can't remember your touch and it's something I craved so much, I can't remember the way you told me you loved me and how your face would light when I told you I loved you back. No I don't remember anything but the pain I felt after I told you I was sorry.
And it hurts so much..
That I don't believe in love anymore.

I always thought that when you left me you broke my heart. I felt it break the second you walked out of my life and it broke again every time I heard your name and it broke all over every time I heard our song and it broke again every time a guy wearing the same cologne as you walked by me. I felt it break every time I saw you at school and had to hold my head up high like I didn't miss and didn't know you.

But here I am... almost two years later. My heart doesn't break anymore when I hear your name, or when I hear our song, or when I get flashbacks or have dreams of you. Because yes, almost two years have passed by and I still dream of you. But it doesn't break my heart anymore.

And I know why now.

At first I thought it was because I was over it. I thought it was because I had finally moved on and healed from all the damage you did to me. But it's not even that...

I have tried to date other people and I have tried to start over with someone else. I've tried to open up to him and I've tried to be good to him. He's a good guy and he treats me right and cares about me, but I just can't give him my heart... and today I realized why that is.

It's not because I'm scared to give my heart away, but because I don't have a heart at all anymore. It's because when you left me you took my heart with you and now I'm stone cold. I don't feel anything anymore for anyone.

In a way, I thank you... Because I never want to hurt that way ever again... And without a heart I won't hurt at all...

So much pain, so much hurt, so much regret and all I can think about is what's next.
How can it get worse?
Or
When will it get better?
Because time is coming to an end.
I can't even imagine my future anymore,
I don't remember the last time I was happy.
I just wish this agony would end.

Nothing has changed, just different people, different attitudes but whatever I do nothing changes. I'm trying, oh gosh Im trying but I keep ending up to where I first started, you. I have so much hate,  so much regret because I can't change the past, i'm trying to change the present but its like I'm in a constant loop. Why?
I could cry all night, smoke until my lungs turn black, drink until I forget but I can't get rid of you. I'm tired. I'm so ******* tired. At the the end of the day, before I cry myself to sleep, I think about when it will stop, how it will stop. Maybe if I end it.... It will stop.

How much more will i have to go through in order to be 'okay' again?
I'm tired..
of faking smiles,
faking laughs,
faking sanity.

Explain to me again, How you can love someone so much and hurt even more.
This pain is so deep its starting to devour me and all i can do is smile.

How many more medications will i have to keep taking in order to be sane again?

It hurts knowing that the only comfort you have is at the end of a bottle,
who you also told all your deepest fears too.

so someone please tell me, once you've had your heart ripped to pieces how do you glue them back together again?

Where I'm at right now is all due to the fact that my heart was torn out of my ******* chest Without a ******* goodbye. I didn't deserve it, no one deserves to be treated so ****** and I was angry, I was mad, I was scared because I didn't want it to happen again so I built a stone wall around my heart hoping that no one would hurt me again. What I wasn't planning on was hurting others instead. But how could I trust someone who doesn't even know anything about me. I told myself I wasn't ready but the vengeance in me kept going because I wanted others to know how it felt to be broken. I was lost. I was hurt. And don't think that not once I never felt anything after I broke people, it hurt me the hardest because this is not who I am and it definitely wasn't my intention. I did things I never in my life thought I would do because I stop caring I stop being scared even though being scared is what made me who I was.

I stop being scared..
And I lost my ******* self.