I'm a pitiful little dreamer I am;
Head always filled with notions,
Nose hidden between pages,
Feet following in the steps
of a hopeless romantic.

I'm starting to accept the fact
that I will never be loved
to the degree that I love.

I've grown cold to the disappointment
but I'm not quite numb,
Still an ache accompanies this feeling.

Overthinking and mistaking
normal events as purposeful intent
Trying to fill a seemingly impossible expectation;

Or perhaps it's just me,
I'm too much.
Good, but not quite enough.
Loved, but still somehow,
second hand.

And I cant help but wonder
If I'll forever wander,
smiling,
but forever accompanied
by a hidden sadness

The only thing
that loves me so dear,
is the emptiness
that is birthed
from the fear
of doubt,
That I could ever be loved
to a depth such as this,
To how I dream it to be.

Today I am angry.
I'm angry that the car is ***** from my sister's dog.
I'm angry that the cat threw up on my bed.
I'm angry that I wasted time taking the family dog to the groomers when it was the wrong day.
I'm angry that I'm tired
I'm angry to the point that I want to cry and grumble
I'm angry that these dogs are pooping and peeing in the house and making a mess and nothing feels clean.
I'm just so ******* ******* ******.
At everything.
I'm angry that the water in the shower won't heat up.
I'm angry that whoever showered last left puddles on the floor.
I'm angry the sink keeps clogging.
Heck,
I'm angry that I woke up.
I'm angry at everything around me.
But I'm mostly angry at myself for allowing my anger to show
For letting it control me...
But it still burns viciously with an unquenchable hunger.

I write of loneliness
A loveless life
I've never fallen so hard
Never had someone to call mine

But then I met a girl
Who loved too much
She has been loved by the good ones
And she has loved the bad ones
She's had her heart broken many times before

She says I'm lucky
but I don't know
Is it better to have loved then lost?
Or to have never loved at all?

I'm sure one day we will both find
but I wonder how it must feel
to have many over far too few
Cause it leaves me feeling unwanted

At least she knows
That she is beautiful
That she catches eyes
On the streets
So easily too
While I am left wondering

Even my friends shine
I dim next to them
I often think or wonder
When out on the town
If I'm even noticed amongst them
I dwarf in comparison

Take a moment
And look at her
The girl in the corner
In the back of the class
The quiet invisible one
Maybe not quite invisible, but no more visible then a **** in the grass.

You may not notice her
But she notices you
She watches everyone
She observes and learns

She is there but not
She's involved and she's not
You know OF her, but nothing about her

She laughs at the jokes
Answers the questions
And drifts through the halls.

You write in her yearbook
HAGS
Maybe say something nice cause that is what everyone does.
But at the end of the day she is as lonely as a music-less piano
And as quiet as the dead
And when she leaves, she will leave no ghost,
only a whisper
And that too will quickly be buried under the voices of many.

I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into myself, and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into a ball, biting my tongue, grasping my pillow and crying.

Why you ask? Because tonight it hit hard.
Because tonight I can't get over this feeling of loneliness
Because tonight I wondered how anyone could ever love me
Because tonight I wondered why I was still alone
Cause tonight I just wanted someone there, and there was no one.

Oh this bitter, painful, insecurity that comes with the lack of experience in the love department.
No first kiss, no boyfriend, no remotely normal guy has pursued me.
And by normal I mean not weird, awkward, obsessive, a creep or stoner or someone just looking for something physical.
Maybe once there was a guy, but only once. One night. One date. And then he left.

I am hurt
But not in the way when you scrape your knee
And not in the way when someone irrevocably betrays your trust
I am hurt in a way that cannot be explained

I am hurt
But not in the way when you break a bone
And not in the way someone spits out stinging words
I am hurt in a way that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster

I am hurt
But not in the way when your muscles ache with soreness
And not in the way when someone tells you they don’t love you anymore
I am hurt in a way that makes my stomach twist and churn

I am hurt
But not in the way that makes you grit your teeth in pain
And not in the way that makes one shut themselves out from the world
I am hurt in a way that makes my chest tighten and constrict until I can’t breath

I am hurt
But not in the way that can be solved with the pop of a pill
And not in the way that a teenage girl who is new to love does
I am hurt in a way that makes me dig my fingernails into my palms so as to quell the bristling tears threatning to spill.

I am hurt in a way that can’t so easily be explained away  as a papercut or with a smile
I am hurt in a way that comes with the lying words “I’m Fine.”
I am not fine.

Today I hurt.
Today I want to cry.
Today I feel alone. Left Out.

There is no rhyme or reason.
There is no starting point.
There is nothing I can say to explain away the pain except that it’s there.

I am hurt.