i cannot bring myself to hate you,
   not even when you're the reason i feel blue.
i should bring myself to hate you,
   but with each glance at you, my love only grew.
i must bring myself to hate you,
   at least that much, i knew.

yet every time we talk,
   my heart would flutter and dance.
yet every time we text,
   i savor it like it's my last chance.
yet every time you cross my mind,
   a smile plays across my face, ever the romance.

disappointment.
cold, cruel, crushing disappointment
crashes over me like a wave,
threatening to drown me,
with it's choking embrace.

this is what happens,
i tell myself—
this is what happens when you let someone in,
this is what happens when you feel too much,
this is what happens when you let your guard down.

i thought we might've had something,
small and fleeting as it may be,
a piece of driftwood,
something i could cling on,
but i was wrong.

it finally dawned on me,
on a cold winter's day,
when the sun peeked out behind the clouds,
and my world stayed dark in every way;
you could not be my salvation.

how can it be possible,
for you —or anyone— for that matter,
to love me —bruised and battered— a girl who
cannot find anything to love about herself?
how can you find a reason to accept me...

when i cannot even accept myself?

do you love me,
or do you not?
it all boils down
to a simple thought.

the light conversation we exchange,
is this something you do normally, day to day?
or is this something special,
do you have something that you're aching to say?

my heart speeds up
with every stolen glance at you.
my only question now is:
do you feel the way i do?

if i admitted my feelings for you,
and i get let down— would i be able to cope?
but my heart is bursting; i look you in the eye,

and i dare allow myself to hope.

my phone lights up,
a smile brightens up my face.
scurrying to check the notification,
hoping to see your username.

but it's not you—
it's somebody else.

i shut off my phone,
the screen turns black.
and a little bit of my heart,
darkens and crumbles along with that.

you told me you were toxic
and i still refuse to believe.
you told me you'd break my heart
right from the start.
thousands of warnings
told me i'd be mourning.
but i held on stubbornly
refusing to move on.
​so i guess it's my fault
that my shattered heart is now
locked up in a dark, lonely vault. ​

​i loved you
your humor
your quirks
your intricate works.
you said you loved me
my scars
my devil wings​
​everything.
​only after you left
did i realize
that your eyes
only ever saw my flaws.
only when i looked
at my cracked, scarred heart
did i know that nevertheless
i'd have loved you from the start.